Chapter 6
Severus Snape liked to believe he was a patient man, or at the very least tolerated more than the average person. That may seem hard to believe based on his reputation throughout his teaching career. But keeping a room filled with children from getting injured or killed because they weren't paying attention to his instructions is harder than it seems.
Especially when one of those students was Harry Potter.
Before Potter came to Hogwarts he had promised himself that he would treat him as if he was just another stone-headed Gryffindor. Severus had never doubted even before meeting the boy that he would be placed with the lions.
He wouldn’t give him special treatment or discriminate against him just because he was the chosen one. He had a promise to keep and nothing the boy could do would stop him from holding to it.
His plan fell apart the second he saw Potter walking into the great hall to be sorted. Potter looked so much like James, but all he could see was the parts of Lily in the boy. His green eyes, dimples, and the way he smiled brought Severus right back to when things hadn’t been complicated, and he hadn’t betrayed Lily’s trust.
Trust he never regained.
If it was just the boy's looks he could have ignored it, what type of professor would he be if he couldn’t ignore the aggravating traits of students? It was the way Potter acted that made him impossible not to pay attention to, for better or worse.
Potter acted nothing like James, he was reserved in a way that made it seem like he was afraid to take up space in a room. He was constantly trying to blend in yet never quite managing to act as if he wasn’t a second from running to the nearest exit.
He acted even less like Lily. She was known for being studious, it was one of the many reasons she later became a prefect. But the part Severus loved about her most was her spit-fire personality. She could go from smiling at you to threatening you in a second, it was honestly impressive to watch whoever she threatened shrink away without her ever raising her voice.
Well besides when it was aimed at him, when she tried she could be terrifying. It earned her quite a reputation during her time at Hogwarts.
Her laugh had been the first thing that drew him to her, even before they became friends, he had been unable to look away. He was enthralled with her it was almost unbearable, and the closer they got, the harder it became to look away.
He craved her smile knowing it would ruin him, he looked forward to the moment he would crumble under her gentle touch. Getting to know her had been bitter sweat. Suddenly, he was the one causing her face to light up, the person she had looked at first in a room.
It was everything he had ever hoped for and more.
He knew she could never love him in the way he wanted, by his fourth year he had made his peace with that fact. Watching her from afar was better than awkward silences neither of them knew how to fill.
It was enough.
He would never push his feelings onto her, for Merlin’s sake he wasn’t James Potter. Part of him wondered if he had been that open and persistent about his feelings, maybe he would have ended up with her after all.
But, it was too late to change the past or even to redeem himself in the future, he had lost that chance fifteen years ago. When Lily died a part of him did too, his first love, his first friend, the only person he had ever felt was worth being brave for. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to say goodbye.
He couldn’t remember when the last time they properly talked was, or when she hugged him goodbye, worst of all the way she sounded was fading away. Each memory getting more and more distorted with the passing of time.
Maybe that’s why when the first time he saw Potter he felt so let down. He had hoped he would find peace with seeing even a small part of her again, yet when he looked at the boy he saw nothing. His last chance at reconciliation was gone.
That wasn’t Potters's fault, he knew it wasn’t. If the boy wanted to sit quietly and do what was asked of him who was Severus to complain? If only it had been that simple. Potter was unpredictable at the best of times and erratic others.
He was impossible to figure out. It seemed as if he was watching two different people half the time, there was no rhythm or rhyme to his actions, and Severus couldn’t stand it. How could he hold true to his promise to protect the boy when he couldn’t even do the bare minimum of getting to know him?
Even worse was that Potter seemed to be rapidly regressing since coming back for his fifth year.
Severus couldn’t blame the boy he knew far too well what it was like to get shoved around, cursed, and told you were worthless repeatedly. But it wasn’t just a group of boys telling Potter these things it was the whole school, even some teachers joining in with small jabs. The entire wizarding world seemed to be against him.
Severus tried to go easier on him after even his house shunned him. In potions, he didn’t require Potter to pair with one of them during class, he turned a blind eye to when he spaced out during lectures, For Merlin's sake he didn’t even give Potter detention for skipping class which was becoming more and more frequent.
Academically, on the other hand, Potter was doing better than ever. He was at the top of every class he took besides Snape's own where he came second to only Draco. It was unnerving, to say the least.
Severus wasn’t Potter's head of house so there wasn’t much he could do, and every time he mentioned Potter's behavior in staff meetings his worries were quickly dismissed. So he assumed everything with Potter was fine, if it wasn’t Minerva would certainly step in.
After running into Potter walking the halls after curfew he wasn’t so certain, he was left with far more questions than answers. Severus knew he handled the situation the wrong way, but he hadn’t expected it to escalate so fast.
It had been a long night and Severus was finally walking back to his chambers when Potter ran head-first into him. He should have been worried for the boy, after all, he was known for walking the halls past curfew however getting caught let alone so blatantly was unheard of from him. But all Severus could think of at the moment was how much longer it would take for him to be able to go to sleep.
He rubbed his eyes briefly before beginning the spiel he had memorized his first year of teaching, “Mr. Potter care to enlighten me on why you’re out wandering the halls past curfew.”
Without even bothering to look at him Potter mumbled, “I needed some air, so I went to the astronomy tower. I lost track of time, which is why I’m just heading back to my common room now Professor.”
How stupid did the boy think he was? Neither the Astronomy Tower nor Gryffindor Tower were anywhere near the corridor they currently occupied. So that is how it was going to be then, Potter was going to make it an overcomplicated and long ordeal that could have taken five minutes if he had given honest answers, to begin with.
Fantastic.
He tried to not show any of his anger and he said, “I want you to try that again and this time tell me the real reason you are out of your dorm. I wouldn’t lie again Mr. Potter unless you want more detentions than I already plan to assign you.”
Still not looking up from his shoes Potter took slow steps back, not responding for far too long for Severus’s liking, “Sorry professor, I was coming back from the infirmary. I felt unwell after the feast so I got a stomach soother. I was just heading to the kitchens since I didn’t eat much during the feast. I know it’s passed curfew which I apologize for, it won’t happen again.”
Another lie. He didn’t even have the decency to try to make up something that sounded believable.
Potter continued to step away for him, and without thinking Severus took a step closer as he growled, “What did I tell you about lying to me boy, I know you never went to the feast yo-”
His voice quickly trailed off as Potter stumbled into the corridor wall, slowly dropping to the ground, putting his head between his knees hyperventilating. What in Merlin's name did Severus do to warrant such a reaction from the boy?
He had yelled at Potter countless times in the last five years, and he had been fine. Whether he yelled back or stayed silent he never reacted in such a way.
The situation could have still been fine if Potter stayed against the wall, he could have tried to calm him down or get Madam Pomfrey, but he didn’t. One second Potter had his head between his knees crying and the next he was gone. How he had disappeared Severus had no idea, Hogwarts was warded against apparitions. Besides Potter was far too young to
have even begun learning such a skill.
The bigger problem was that Severus didn’t have a clue about where he went. Or if he was still inside of Hogwarts or somewhere outside of the castle. Now he wasn’t proud of what he did next but he turned around and continued his walk to his chambers leaving worrying about Potter till the morning.
___
Harry knew he fucked up.
From the moment he opened his eyes and memories from the night before rushed back he knew there was no way to fix his mistake. What made it even worse was he knew walking back to the tower had its chances of backfiring, it was almost guaranteed to fuck him over in the end. Yet he went anyway. His decision might have been easier to accept if he had gone into it blind but he hadn’t. He knew the consequences but off he went.
Now he was left dealing with the fallout, which would utterly ruin his life. Maybe that was an overstatement, but it certainly felt like that. The only people who he could have maybe considered his allies had been the Slytheirns, and even before it would have been a stretch.
Now, there’s no way after what at least one of them had witnessed they would want to be seen around him let alone talk to him any longer. They hadn’t even stuck around to see when he woke up, not that he wanted them to. But it was the principle of the matter.
He was once again alone. He had been for the first eleven years of his life, maybe he had never stopped. Being alone was a comfort of sorts, with no one to let down. If you never get your hopes up you can never be disappointed, he knew this and yet he had hoped anyway.
He’d be okay; he knew how to live with regret.
Now he had to focus on finding his way out of what he assumed to be the Slytherin dorms without being seen by anyone. He didn’t have his wand so he couldn’t check the time, and the Slytherin dorms didn’t have windows looking outside either. All they showed was the inside of the lake so he couldn’t base the time of the sun.
He could probably sneak out of the dorms without being seen seeing it was a Wednesday, and the common room should be relatively empty as most people would be in classes. He slowly opened the door and walked down a hallway which he assumed led to the common room. He inched his way down the stairs, heard voices, and cursed his luck. It would be nearly impossible to sneak out unnoticed now.
He had two choices, he could either find a place to hide and wait out the rest of the day for the common room to empty for the night. Or he could run out now and hope everyone was too shocked by his sudden appearance to stop him.
He for obvious reasons went with the second option, he wasn’t going to wait around in Slytherin all day.
So with that, he wasted no more time and ran into the common room trying to get out as quickly as possible without knocking anything over or hitting anyone.
He actually thought he’d make it out before an arm slammed into his chest knocking the wind out of him. He laid on the ground regretting every moment that led him to this situation trying to regain his bearings. Sitting up he looked around to see who so kindly knocked him over.
He should have guessed it was the last person he’d want to see. Draco Malfoy once again ruining his day.
Harry glared up at him as he said, “What the fuck Malfoy, you have a wand you know. There are countless ways to stop people and yet you chose body-slamming me as your method of choice.”
Malfoy grimaced, managing to look slightly regretful, “Yeah sorry about that Potter, it probably wasn’t the best idea but I couldn’t let you leave again without us talking. Listen I think you should sit down as I tell you this, I don’t know what you remember about last night but I took you out of Gryffindor Tower because-”
That fucking bitch, it was Malfoy who saw him like that. The rest of what he was saying went straight over Harry’s head, all he could focus on was ringing in his ears getting steadily louder.
He shook his head trying to clear it, “No, I’m done with your shit Malfoy! You had no right to do that, to butt into things that were never your business to begin with. I know you think you know me and your owed my gratitude but that’s bullshit. I didn’t need your help in first year when you offered your hand, or in second when you thought I was the heir of Slytherin, and I definitely do not need your help now.”
All Malfoy did was frown, “Potter you're being unreasonable you expect me to have left you there knowing what was going to be done to you if I hadn’t intervened, that's mad.”
Harry could feel his anger boiling over, who did Malfoy think he was? What right did he think he had to even be arguing with Harry about this as if he understood what Harry was going through in the slightest?
“Yes I do, I don’t need a savior. I’m ruined, broken beyond repair. What’s one more time right? I needed help when I was four and broke a glass so my uncle decided that was the perfect time to teach me a lesson, I guess he took a liking to it after that. I needed help when I was too hurt to move, when I was so hungry I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in to end my suffering. I needed help when I was locked in my cupboard for weeks, and thought I had finally gone mad with so little human interaction. Where was anyone then, huh? No, but no one cares unless it affects them because I only matter when I can be of some benifit. Isn’t that right?”
Malfoy’s face got steadily paler the longer Harry spoke, good let him be scared, let him feel half as bad as Harry felt. “Potter…..If I had known, if anyone had known back then they would have helped.”
Harry could only laugh, he knew he must sound mad right now but he was far beyond caring what he looked like at the moment, “Dumbledore knew exactly what he was doing when he sent me away to live with the Dursleys. He wanted a martyr, he wanted a broken child who he could mold into the perfect little savior. Well congrats to him because it worked, he wanted someone unfixable and he got exactly that.”
“Potter, I’m sorry for what happ-”
Harry quickly interrupted him, he couldn't bear to hear another useless apology. “I don’t want your pity Malfoy. Let me out of this room. You can't help me, no one here can help me. I don’t have my wand but I swear to Merlin once I get it back the next time I see you I will curse you into the next year if you do not let me out right now.”
“I have your wand, Potter, if you sit down I’ll go get it for you.”
How stupid did Malfoy think he was to fall for something like that? “Oh fuck you Malfoy, I don’t give a shit about my wand if that means I have to stay here for one more second. Nice try but I’m not that stupid.”
With that he stormed out of the common room, he didn’t need his wand anyway. Wandless magic existed for this exact reason, and he could definitely learn at least the basics before he decided to go to his next class.
Easy as that.