A Tried and Tested Guide
McGonagall's Office, normal time
Harry and Susan sat opposite the Headmistress, unable to meet her eye. The Headmistress watched them both in silence, tapping her finger on her biscuit tin. The Deputy Headmaster stood behind her, his usual blank mask firmly in place.
After several seconds of oppressive silence, Harry broke first.
"Susan did it!" He blurted out.
"I did not!" Susan gasped, turning to glare at Harry. "It was your genius idea in the first place!"
"No, I distinctly remember you coming up with it!" Harry snapped back, clenching his fists.
"You haven't distinctly remembered anything in your whole life!" Susan exclaimed. Harry gasped.
"Wow, that was low. And I'll have you know my memory is in fine working order!" He huffed, crossing his arms in offence.
"Oh yeah, what did we did have for breakfast yesterday?" Susan challenged, raising an eyebrow in a Snape-like manner.
"How should I know? I wasn't at breakfast because you dragged me off before I could even enter the Great Hall!" Harry shouted.
"You filthy liar, I never did anything of the sort!" Susan scoffed.
"Yes you did!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes you did!"
"Harry, I swear if you try that game with me I will-"
"ENOUGH!"
The two squabbling students were shocked back to silence, staring at their furious Headmistress in slight fear. Minerva almost smirked. Almost.
"I do not care which of you started it." She said severely. "What I care about is the fact the two of you somehow managed to start another war only three months after the last one finished. Three months!" Her nostrils flared.
"Four, actually. And in our defence, this war is with a completely different nation." Harry snapped his mouth shut at the fierce glare Minerva sent his way.
"Do you have any idea how dangerous goblins can be?" Snape asked quietly, eyes glittering with fury. "And you've thoughtlessly managed to start a war with them. What on earth possessed you?"
"We didn't-"
"Quiet, Miss Bones. You two have three minutes to explain yourselves before we offer you up to goblins as penance for your actions." Minerva threatened, practically hissing in anger.
Harry and Susan gulped.
"Well?" Minerva asked coldly. "Explain. The clock is ticking."
"Tick tock!" Snape said it dangerously softly, but Harry new the gleeful shine in his eye meant he was enjoying every second of this telling off. Not all old habits faded with time, after all.
Gringotts, two hours prior
"I have a preposition for you." Harry said to the Goblin King, smirking. Susan stood next to him, grinning madly.
"And what would that be?" The King asked, leaning forwards.
"Well." Harry said. "I've been told on no uncertain terms am I to ever make a bet again. So I thought it was high time to make another one!" He smiled brightly.
"And what 'bet' are you proposing?" The King raised a brow.
"I bet that me and Susan here can break into this bank and steal a selected item of your choice within three days." Harry said boldly. Susan nodded in agreement.
"I see." The Goblin King inclined his head slightly. "And if you win, what do you want from us?"
"A thousand galleons." Susan said confidently.
"Three hundred." The Goblin King sneered.
"Seven hundred."
"Five hundred is my final offer." The King growled. "And if you fail?"
"Then you get this!" Harry pulled the sword of Gryffindor out of the hat, more commonly known as Monty these days. Neville had been more than willing to give it back to him when he found out it was goblin-made and they would likely kill him if they found out he had it.
"Get what is already rightfully ours, boy?" The King roared. "Give me that sword and go with your lives!"
"But the bet!" Harry cried.
"Is off. Give me what is mine, now!"
"Or what?" Harry's eyes shone with merriment. Susan suppressed a groan at her danger-loving... friend? date? boyfriend? Eh, a conundrum to worry about when they weren't on the brink of starting a goblin war.
"Or we go to war!" The goblins surrounding the room let out a battle cry. Susan's breath hitched.
"Harry, give it to them." She muttered. "We don't want another goblin war. Seriously."
"Fine, fine, have it." Harry tossed the sword to the King, who placed it reverently on his desk. "Now, can we still do the bet?"
The Goblin King sighed. "Fine. But if we win, you have to pay the price." He bared his teeth in a savage grin.
"What do you want?" Susan asked, smirking.
"We want your lot to remember their place." The Goblin sneered. "If we win, you will tell your magic folk that you've caused another goblin war."
"Is that it?" Harry asked incredulously.
"No, of course not! We want the 500 galleons reward also."
Harry and Susan's smiles were identical. "Deal." They chorused.
It took them forty eight tries, the most memorable being the one being where they managed to get in but got stuck when they tried to ride a dragon to freedom. Harry's personal favourite was the one where they let loose a hoarde of nifflers. Eventually they succeeded by persuading Flitwick to help them (Apparently Goblins hate the smell of vanilla, who knew?). They managed to break in and steal the selected item five seconds before the deadline. And all they used was some vanilla, a bowtruckle and maybe a little bit of dynamite.
Because of the damage caused by the explosives, the King demanded they pay for the reparations and carry out the first part of the bet. 500 Galleons richer, Susan and Harry left the bank, doing their best to look guilty.
McGonagall's Office, Normal Time
"Say something!" Snape hissed at the two seventh years, who stared down at their laps, lips pursed. He shared a look with Minerva. "You have started a war, what do you have to say for yourselves!"
"April fools?" Harry offered weakly. He looked up and me the absolutely furious glare of his Headmistress. "Uh, bye!" He sprinted for the door, Susan at his heels.
"POTTER!"
~
"I'm going to be in detention until I'm thirty!" Susan wheezed, collapsing into an armchair in the Room of Requirement.
"I'm going to be in detention until I'm fifty!" Harry cackled. The two looked at each other for three seconds and then burst into a fit of laughter.
"Where have you two been?" Hermione demanded, hands on hips. "You vanished for three days and then when you returned, looking thoroughly beaten up I might add, the Daily Prophet announced a Goblin War. What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"A Goblin War?" Harry asked, no longer laughing. "That's not good. Do you have any idea how dangerous Goblin Wars can be?"
Susan spluttered and Harry started laughing again, rolling onto the floor.
Hermione and Draco glared at them both.
"I knew they had something to do with it." Ginny smirked. Daphne rolled her eyes.
"Of course they did. When do they not?" She said, grabbing the nearest textbook and whacking Harry on the head.
"Ouch!" He exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"Leaving me behind. Again!" Daphne said crossly, dropping the book.
"Now, that's just simply not fair. I took you to the Gaunt House, didn't I?" Harry pointed out. Daphne glared at him.
"Because you needed me! And you took Susan to the ministry first!" She argued back, pointing accusingly at Susan, who gave her an incredulous look.
"Daphne, are you jealous?" Ron asked slowly, teasing lilt to his tone.
Daphne huffed. "No!"
Harry got to his feet and pointed at her. "You are! You're jealous!"
"You would be if your brother kept leaving you out of fun stuff!" Daphne retorted. Harry softened.
"Aww, you consider me your brother? I love you too."
"No you don't." Daphne pouted. "Otherwise you would have invited me to go with you."
Harry and Susan shared a look. As easy as it would be to appease Daphne by telling her it was a date, they weren't ready for that titbit of information to get out yet.
"I'm planning on sneaking out this weekend to go skiing with Sirius." Harry said amicably. "Want to come with?"
"Duh." Daphne said. "Where to? The Alps?"
"No idea!" Harry said brightly. "But it will be fun!"
"Okay cool, I want ice cream now." Daphne grabbed Harry by the arm and dragged him out of the room. The rest of the group looked at each other, befuddled.
"And that was one of the more normal interactions they've had!" Draco scoffed. Ron barked out a laugh and Neville sneezed.
Hermione just shook her head and shot a knowing look at Susan, who avoided her gaze. Luna smiled.
~
Harry swiped a paw at Minerva. She hissed at him and bopped him firmly on the nose. He yapped at her playfully and lunged for her tail. She yowled and sprinted after him. Padfoot barked joyfully and charged after both of them, sending all three animagi tumbling over one another, right down a particularly steep part of the forest.
They landed in a pile at the bottom, in varying states of distress. Above them, a crow cawed loudly. They all looked up, ears twitching. The cawing got louder and louder and the crow swooped down and landed in front of them, turning back into Severus Snape with ease.
"You.. you.." He spluttered, and the fox glared at him before turning back into Harry. Minerva and Sirius followed suit.
"Run." Minerva said to Severus, before lunging at him. He fled, angry cat on his heels.