Gilderoy Lockhart and The Boy Who Lied
Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys returned to Grimmauld place for Christmas. Draco chose to remain at Hogwarts with his Godfather, and the Greengrasses went home. Their family were neutral, so they were safe. Neville and Luna spent the holidays with their own families after spending the majority of the summer with the Order. Susan stayed with her aunt, but visited every now and again.
"Well, I'm honestly surprised you survived until Christmas." Sirius said joyfully once they'd all unpacked and made themselves at home. "Especially Fred and George."
"Someone has to keep the marauder's legacy going." George said sagely. "Harry's a bit too far gone for pranks now, his whole life is one."
"That hurt." Harry said sadly, clutching his heart. "Like a knife to the chest. I won't be forgetting that anytime soon."
Sirius laughed, ruffling his Godson's hair.
He had finally been discharged from his cousin's care, and moved back into a much cleaner and more pleasant Grimmauld Place. Moody, Bill, Charlie and Remus had spent weeks combing through room after room filled to the brim with dark artifacts, and checking for any magical residue on every item they could find. Everything deemed dangerous was chucked in the attic, and then hastily moved to the cellar and warded even more heavily when Harry and the twins would spend every waking moment trying to break in.
It was a wise move, especially as Harry temporarily went on strike in the attic.
When Sirius had moved back in, he went through the items with Bill and Remus and they chose what to keep, sell, and destroy, after ensuring they were safe once again.
About a month into Sirius returning, they had realised Kreacher had disappeared. Sirius wrote to Harry, and received a letter back claiming that Kreacher had been so distraught about Harry leaving he had taken up residence at Hogwarts and was now Harry's personal house elf. This was proved by Kreacher being the one to deliver the letter instead of Hedwig. If anyone noticed the suspicious looking locket around his neck, no one commented on it.
Once sure everywhere and everything was people-friendly, Molly cleaned every room thoroughly and Tonks, Andromeda and Sirius redecorated, slowly making each room brighter and much more cosy. It was beginning to feel more like a home and less like a prison, in Sirius' opinion.
Especially when the Weasley children, Hermione, and Harry returned.
"So, what's the plan for Christmas?" Sirius asked brightly. Harry froze.
"Hold that thought!" He said hurriedly, dashing into the hallway. "I haven't said hello to my favourite member of the Black family yet!"
"Uh oh." Hermione shook her head and sighed. "Actually, you know what? I signed myself up for this, I have no right to complain."
"OH WALBURG- NO!" Harry wailed, staring at the blank wall in horror. Sirius sniggered, leaning against the freshly painted light yellow bare wall casually. "Looking for my mother? Sorry dear, we took her down and burned the painting. She's toast!"
Harry, with a look of dismay, stared glumly at the empty wall.
"Such a shame." He said, shaking his head. "I was so looking forward to seeing her again."
The next morning, Sirius gave Harry a look of betrayal as soon as he sat down to eat.
"You vandalised my house."
"You took the fun out of it first!"
Remus entered the kitchen and sat down next to Harry, who took a bite of toast.
"Why does Sirius look like a kicked puppy?" Remus asked Harry evenly. Harry shrugged.
"He's just being cranky because I stuck a bunch of his childhood pictures where his mother used to hang. In the one of him at age seven, the resemblance between him and Wednesday Addams is uncanny." Sirius half-smiled, thinking he was being complimented.
Remus hummed thoughtfully. "Yes, he did look rather like her, didn't he?" Sirius' face fell and looked at Harry and Remus, scandalised. Harry took another bite of toast and Remus turned the page of his book.
"I hate you both." He said grouchily, before storming off. They waited until Sirius was out of earshot to burst into fits of laughter.
Their first day was boring. Hermione, suddenly remembering this was their OWL year for the thousandth time in three months, forced Harry and Ron do do all of their homework in one sitting. Then she remembered it was also NEWT year for the twins, and did the same to them. If any of them so much as glanced up from their textbooks she would spray them with a water pistol she'd stolen from the twins. It was pretty effective. In her manic state, no one dared enter the kitchen. In fact, even the order meeting scheduled for that afternoon was rescheduled for the next day, after Hermione threatened Dumbledore with cutting off his beard, knife in hand. It was spectacular.
Harry didn't understand how that worked. Dumbledore was, regrettably, the most powerful wizard in a century, so surely he could just grow his beard back, or block whatever curse Hermione used? He didn't dare ask Hermione, though, as he felt that if he so much as opened his mouth he would find himself unable to speak for at least a week.
Minerva and Molly were eventually allowed to enter the kitchen, Molly to cook, and Minerva to check over their homework. To Harry and Ron's relief, she seemed impressed by every single essay they had written, including potions and history of magic.
"Well done, you three. I trust we can all eat dinner without risk of losing hair, Miss Granger?" Hermione twirled her pocketknife (actually when did she get the pocketknife? Harry had noticed her use one before) thoughtfully and nodded.
Harry was almost certain the entire Order were present for dinner that evening. Snape had even showed up with Draco, who smirked as soon as he saw the pocketknife.
"It works?" He asked Hermione, who nodded.
"Wonderfully." She responded, and pocketed it.
Draco later, after being given permission from Snape to spend the night, explained they had been practising anti-reversal spells. Anything the knife cut through could not be regrown or stuck back together with magic. Of curse, this was limited to fabric, hair and paper, as Hermione didn't want to risk it falling into murderous hands (Ginny). The girl got cranky very easily.
The next morning, Harry decided it was the perfect chance to get some answers.
"Mr Weasley?" He asked innocently.
"Yes Harry?"
"The Unspeakable that got put in St Mungo's, what was her name?"
Arthur blinked. "Er, Emma something. Jarrod, maybe?"
Harry leapt to his feet. "Emily Jairn?"
Arthur nodded, "Yes, I think that was it." Harry dashed to the fireplace.
"I'll be back for lunch, I need to go and visit someone."
Remus put his head in his hands, then gave Harry a look. "Harry, please tell me you haven't been befriending Unspeakables on the regular?"
"Only a few!" Harry exclaimed defensively. "And it was sort of by accident. Anyway, got to go, toodles!" Before anyone could stop him, he was gone.
Vernon and Petunia Dursley had been having a very normal morning. Dudley had returned from school and was playing video games in the living room, and Vernon had taken the day off. Petunia was cooking breakfast, and the smell of eggs and bacon wafted through the house.
After Dudley's run-in with the dementors, there had been an air of worry in the house for weeks, but they were finally returning to normal. Well, until-
"Heyyy, fam-a-lam!" Harry called cheerfully from the living room. Dudley screeched and launched his game controller at the wall in his hurry to get away from the skinny brunette boy who had just stepped calmly from the fireplace.
Petunia and Vernon rushed into the room, stopping in their tracks at the sight of their nephew.
"Boy, you are not welcome here, leave at once!" Vernon demanded, going red, then purple. Harry smiled pleasantly at him, shaking his hand vigorously.
"Oh don't worry, it's just a flying visit. Oh, is that bacon I can smell? Don't mind if I do!" Harry strolled past his relatives and into the kitchen, making himself a plate of breakfast.
"For the road." He explained at their dumbfounded looks. "I need to visit someone, but if Voldy's emo pals find out my current address they might try and gate-crash our party."
Petunia mouthed 'emo pals', looking horror stricken.
"Get you and your freakishness out of here, now!" Roared Vernon. Harry nodded agreeably.
"Yes yes, of course. Just need to-" Harry pointed his wand at the fireplace and muttered a few spells. "Just erasing all floo history. Wouldn't want Voldypants catching on, would we? Oh, by the way, I'm pretty sure Molly cast a tracking spell on me right before I jumped in the fireplace, so expect some visitors in the next... three minutes? I delayed them a bit by flooding the kitchen so I'd have time for a quick catch up before never seeing you again! Toodaloo!"
"Bye, Potter!" Dudley said suddenly, waving. "Good luck with- whatever it is you're up to?"
Harry blinked in surprise. "Aww, you're emotionally maturing, how sweet! Bye Big D, loving the self-work!"
Harry skipped merrily out of the front door, leaving it wide open so they could watch him summon a huge purple bus and disappear to goodness knows where.
"Harry James- Dursley?" Molly halted in shock a the sighed of the two adult muggles still frozen in shock in the hallway, and Dudley happily playing on his game again.
"Don't ever associate us with that brat!" Vernon snapped, seemingly coming back to himself. "And get out of my house!"
"No can do, I'm afraid, not until we have Harry." Remus glared at Lily's sister and her husband. Petunia couldn't meet his eyes.
"Harry left." Dudley said helpfully from the sofa. "Some purple bus thing took him. He was wittering on about Emo's and Pants for quite a while."
"He- No, he isn't, surely?" Hermione asked desperately, looking between all the adults now gathered in the Dursley household. "He wouldn't be that reckless?"
Molly shook her head, flicking her wand. "No dear, he's just arrived at St Mungo's. He probably flooed here first in case the wrong people got wind of the address we're living at."
Remus shook his head. "He might be a bit demented, but he is smart."
Hermione scowled. "I know, it's infuriating."
"Well, then, we should probably get going. Oh wait, is that bacon I can smell?" Ron asked.
"Bacon?" Sirius' eyes lit up. Ron sniggered.
"If you were in dog form, your ears would have pricked up just then." Ron jibed, heading towards the kitchen. "Oh, a full English breakfast! Enough for all of us I reckon. Who wants some?"
The entire cohort consisting of Sirius, Remus, Hermione, Molly and Arthur followed Ron into the kitchen. Draco had stayed behind for his own safety and Ginny was busy trying to coax Crookshanks into catching a rathe larger spider in her bedroom. The twins were still asleep. Apparently.
Ron made sure to leave enough for a small breakfast each for the Dursleys, which wasn't difficult as Petunia always cooked a mountain for her son and husband, and they all traipsed out of the door, leaving two stunned and one rather indifferent Dudley behind.
By the time they'd all apparated to St Mungo's, Harry was nowhere in sight. Vanishing their plates, Andromeda made her way towards them, looking bemused.
"Harry hunting, are you?" She asked, smiling. "He's on the seventh floor, room 26. I must say, the patients were delighted to see him!"
"But that's not-"
"Oh, Miss Jairn was sleeping and he didn't want to wake her, so he went to find Neville instead." Andromeda hurried off - she was working after all.
They dashed upstairs and found Neville and his grandmother sat quietly with his parents, whilst Harry, the twins, and Lockhart appeared engrossed in conversation.
"Lockhart's here?" Ron hissed to Hermione, who shrugged.
"To be fair, his whole brain was wiped." She murmured back. "Where else would they put him? I'm more surprised by the twins."
"I'm not." Ron snorted. "They find trouble quicker than Harry does."
"...apparently, people like my autographs." Lockhart was saying to Harry, who was nodding along. "I was an author?"
"Eh, not really." Harry said. "You can't believe anything anyone tells you about your past except me. People lie, you know."
"Okay." Lockhart said agreeably. "You were the one who saved me from that dark cave in the castle after all!"
"That cave was the Chamber of Secrets. You'd gotten trapped down there with no memory and so me and my friend came to save you. Anyway, the truth is..." Harry said slowly. "You're actually a zookeeper."
"A zookeeper? My, that doesn't seem right at all!" Lockhart shook his head. "Are you quite sure?"
"Positive." Harry said firmly. "You have a lovely phoenix exhibit, but they're all getting a bit hungry, the last I heard they had escaped and were breaking into muggle burger shops."
"What's a muggle?" Lockhart asked.
"Er, a big green thing with one eye and purple tongues." Harry explained. Fred and George, looking elated, were watching the interaction silently, eyes glinting as they suppressed their laughter.
"Oh, I see. The people here told me it meant people with no magic."
"Well, to be fair, they don't have magic." Harry said quickly. "But anyway, your best zoo exhibit were peacocks."
"Peacocks? Actually, I have felt very drawn to peacocks since arriving here." Lockhart said cheerfully, twirling his peacock feather quill.
"Well, I have some bad news then." Harry looked suddenly solemn. "After the phoenixes broke out, the ministry took all of your animals away and rehomed them, because they were starving."
Lockhart gasped. "My poor babies!" He cried.
"Don't worry!" Harry said hurriedly. "They've all gone to good homes. Except the peacocks, they got stolen. They currently live at Malfoy manner with Barbie!"
"Barbie?"
"Yes, Barbie. But I promise you, as soon as you're allowed to leave here we will go and get your peacocks back." Harry promised.
"Draco's going to kill you." Fred whispered. Harry grinned.
"Thank you, Harry." Lockhart said earnestly. Harry shook his hand and stood up, looking at the flabbergasted group in front of him.
"We can go now if you like." Harry offered. Molly stepped forwards, eyes shining dangerously. Harry fled.