Harry’s Phase
Harry made plans to meet up with the Weasley Clan and Hermione’s family for back-to-school shopping.
And the others followed along.
Harry walked up to Hermione and Ron while they were waiting for him outside of Flourish and Blotts.
Harry practiced his new greaser move, (thanks for this visual, Sirius), sliding up to his friends with a perfect amount of swagger.
There he stood, clad in his new leather outfit, spiked hair-sprayed hair, eyeliner, and three inch boots, making him taller than his peers.
Dobby was the one to add gel to his hair. It could be imagined how this looked.
He stood there, finger guns pointed at them with a slouch.
“Uh, can I help you?”
Hermione was backing away, pushing Ron in front of her.
Harry puckered his lip and flipped his hair.
It didn’t move.
Ron pushed Hermione in front of him.
Behind him came Hedwig wearing a Satan necklace, Dumbledore wearing a sexy women’s night gown with only a light layer underneath, and a rabid dog.
Both Hermione and Ron had a look of absolute despair.
“No… Harry?”
Hermione plugged her ears and mentally willed this to be not happening. She walked away before anything else could be said.
Ron stood there open-mouthed, gawking hard at Dumbledore.
“…Professor?”
Dumbledore happened to be wearing the same outfit that Ron’s mother was wearing when Ron walked in on his parents a few years ago.
Hit with the terrifying image come to life, he promptly vomits into the nearby bush.
Draco Malfoy was hiding in that bush, having seen Harry Potter and Hedwig coming.
The puke flew out of Ron’s mouth and exploded all over Draco’s face, drenching him.
Draco stands up with a muffled scream, covered in bits of greasy turkey and cheese.
The nasty cocktail drips down his face and onto his new clothes.
They stared at each other for a few seconds before Draco ran away, silent tears sliding down his face. His fists were clenched and he ran like a panicking school girl.
He would have his revenge!
This is when Dobby comes up behind them, spotting the chunks on the ground.
“Oh! Harry Potter has left Dobby some crumbs!”
“Dobby- Dobby no! Dobby!”
—
Because Dumbledore was petty and went no contact all summer, he had no knowledge of the dementors.
He sent the three onwards to the train, flooing himself to his castle.
Harry, Hedwig, and Dobby went ahead to join Hermione and Ron in a compartment.
Harry slammed the compartment door open, flopping down onto a seat and taking up as much space as possible. He propped one leg up in a classic man-spreading stance, putting emphasis on his cool guy attitude.
Dobby laid on the floor, wiggling like the Alaskan bull worm to the corner between the seat and the wall.
He laid down face first and took a nap.
Hedwig sat next to the mysterious guy.
“Oh my god, what is that? It’s amazing.”
They all collectively followed Harry’s finger to the gremlin sitting on Hermione. He started to purr at the attention.
“Has the spray started to seep into your brain already? This-“
She held up Crookshanks like a weighted lump.
“-Is Crookshanks.”
Ron and Harry looked at each other.
“Interesting… name?”
But Hedwig was more interested in the fellow next to her.
She stared at him, eyes pouring through his skin and into his current dream.
His good dream suddenly turned into a nightmare.
(The wolf is fast and fierce, its growls filling the air. Remus tries to run away, but his body moves in slow motion.
The wolf is gaining on him, closer and closer. When the monster turns around, it has a long and crooked nose.
Remus let out a gasp mixed of fright and pity.
How hideous!
Snape's greasy, unkempt appearance was exaggerated tenfold in his werewolf form. His thinning, oily hair was now a mess of tufted and matted fur all over his body, with pieces caked and sticking out everywhere.
Clear slush coated his face, dripping down from his forehead with every jerk of movement.
His sunken eyes shone with a predatory gleam, his teeth dripping with thick, yellow saliva, a nasty stink coming from his body.
He was so lanky and ugly that when looking at him, your fear disappeared.
Remus pointed his finger and laughed.
Poor Severus Snape could not escape bullying, not even in another man’s dream.)
A little while later, everything started to get dark.
Ron and Hermione shivered while Harry finally felt the relief of cold.
When a strange misty and dark figure resembling the grim reaper appeared at their door, Harry, with no survival skills, opened the door right up and invited it in.
He dismissed the being with his right hand and held a drawn out and sarcastic tone.
“Psh. Not you again, silly.”
Huh. It ran away.
His group shrugged.
Unfortunately, Remus’s interesting dream attracted another one from the open window he was beside.
Remus woke up to a dementor staring into his eyes, ready to suck out his soul and push him into a never-ending void of nothingness.
He felt his body grow weak as his lips began to tremble.
This is a situation that requires a grown man to cry out for his mom.
What a rude way to describe Hedwig.
Dobby was still fast asleep.
Ron and Hermione backed up into the hallway while Harry waltzed up to get a closer look.
Right when Remus whipped his wand out, Hedwig did the unthinkable.
Her neck craned back as her jaws opened at an unnatural width for a bird, the dementor unwillingly entering her mouth like a succubus absorbing a soul.
The dementor tried to flee, arms reaching out to the good lord for mercy.
But unfortunately for this soul-sucker, Hedwig was God. Hedwig was the almighty, and Hedwig would manipulate the laws of physics however she wanted.
Its high-pitched and ear-splitting wail shattered the windows, icicles flying everywhere, one impaling Harry.
He took off his thick leather jacket, revealing that it was too thick to penetrate.
“Huh, it’s kinda cold in here.”
The sound of its loud screaming was drowned out by the deafening sound of the her powerful suction, a ship sinking into a whirlpool.
It disappeared into the depths of her maw.
And when she was done, nothing remained but a tiny puddle of blackness on the ground, the dementor's essence completely consumed.
So she could reverse her magic spews.
Nice.
She promptly falls over, unconscious.
Remus doesn’t know what to say.
Dobby wakes up in a daze, crawling on all fours towards the new mystery guy who must obviously be at fault.
“Something just threatened my beloved!”
Remus swats at the house elf trying to climb him, awkwardly walking into everything.
No one helps him.
“Hey, who are you anyway?”
Harry resumes his cool guy stance.
Remus can’t answer, for he is busy trying to rip Dobby off of his face and throw him out the window.
Harry looks at his friends and shrugs.
—
It’s officially year three.
Hurray.
Hedwig, after regaining consciousness, hurries off to Hargrid’s hut, eager to see her work.
The dragon Hedwig stole from Gringotts now resides in a giant brick hut.
He finally got his wish.
Unfortunately, his house was destroyed and part the Hogwarts castle caved in, but Hagrid got his dragon and refused to let go of custody.
The dragon makes himself right at home.
—
Harry’s new hairdo had everyone looking.
And the giant shard of glass sticking out of his chest area.
He walked into the great hall with the rest of his group to wait for the sorting ceremony to start.
Draco Malfoy was studying Harry’s hair.
(He would outmaneuver him and Weasley by becoming him. There would be nothing special about Harry Potter anymore.)
After the sorting hat grated everyone’s ears, Dumbledore took stand, front and center where every student could see him.
Every muggleborn felt a wave of nausea instantly hit them.
You could see the students rushing to cover the eyes of the young.
The new robe was emphasizing Dumbledore’s nonexistent and saggy man cleavage.
It clung to his first layer, a silky black nightgown. (Additional purchase.)
A few pureblood girls took interest in this shiny overthrow robe.
Dumbledore cracked drinking glasses together with an added vocal sound effect to gather everyone’s attention.
“Dingle dingle dingle.”
Dingle?
“Hello, all.”
He let out a girlish giggle and twirled in his robe, revealing something awful to Snape’s eyes.
His eyes became vacant and dull, system rebooting.
“I have an announcement.”
He gestured toward the end of the podium in a frantic gesture.
“This will be the service dog of Hogwarts. A unique muggle invention.”
Padfoot comes out, thick white foam dripping from his open mouth and stupidity outlining his face.
He dawns a mis-fitted red service dog vest.
Dog is misspelled.
D-O-U-G
The fat he has managed to gain the past few weeks is being squeezed outwards, leading him to heavy breathe, all the more off-putting.
“Heh. Hehh. Heh.”
He had a weird bald spot on his neck from Dobby.
There are too many people for him here. He starts knawing on Dumbledore’s exposed ankle.
The students were unsure if they should clap or not.
Remus takes a break from drinking to look up at whatever has everyone so shocked.
He projectile-spat his juice all over Snape.