Sirius Black, Guardian?
Sirius black fits right in.
Almost too well.
Once they got Sirius to a more reasonable state of mind and he explained the entire situation, they all realized one crucial detail: Hedwig had eaten Pettigrew last year before they had all departed.
Does that make her a cannibal?
A second cousin cannibal?
The reveal of information led to another manic fit of laughter from Sirius. His laughing just became more out of control as his head lolled back and forth wildly, unable to regain his composure.
It looks like his brain short-circuited.
That led to Dobby joining him for no apparent reason, laughing along.
Man, his past masters really messed him up.
The absurdity of it trickled forth, Harry and Dumbledore both starting to giggle, the laughter turning into a clench-your-stomach howl.
Hedwig was in the middle of a mental crisis.
Seriously, does this make her a cannibal?!
It took awhile for all of them to calm down again.
Sirius was more upset that someone else got to Peter before he did, rather than the fact that he will forever be considered a criminal and exiled from society.
Sirius walked up to her and patted her head forcefully. He bent down to look her in the eyes with a cocky smile and relaxed body language, totally different from when they caught him.
A sign of a personality issue.
“There’s my new favorite.”
Lovely. Because she wants to be the favorite of a clinical psycho.
—
They all helped Sirius sneak to Gringotts in order to access his fault.
It was an embarrassing trip.
Everyone hounded the famous Harry Potter and Dumbledore. Even random stragglers came over, wanting to see what all the fuss was about.
The old man claimed that he adopted a dog.
Sirius, having been previously traumatized for the past decade and some, started foaming at the mouth at the amount of people surrounding him.
His eyes widened to the point of his eyelids disappearing and the red of his sclera showing. His mouth opened as though the dog were about to howl in fear, but the only sounds that came out were low and broken groans.
“It’s uh… it’s a special needs dog.”
A reporter pushed her way to the front and shoved her notepad right up to Dumbledore’s face.
“Why was it this dog you specifically chose? It looks like it should be euthanized.”
Sirius went out of his way to pee on the reporter.
Of course, you see, Dobby has no grasp of basic logic or moral limits, so he followed along without a second thought.
The reporter was drenched in stinky, yellow piss.
Truly, the smell was atrocious.
Sucks that she doesn’t have to go to the bathroom right now, but oh well.
Harry quickly ushers them away, face burning up.
Entering, Sirius got a new key for himself and four for the squad, claiming that he has all this money so it ought as well be spent.
And good god, were the Blacks rich.
It’s a good thing that the Goblins don’t care if you’re a mass murderer. As long as you have money.
He drug each one of them back with him to the vaults, much to the goblins displeasure.
The goblin escorting them rolled his eyes and gave annoyed grumbles as the group of misfits continued make loud noises in their pristine underground area.
Dobby fell out of the cart and they had to go back and get him.
But, they made it.
Dobby started crying again, claiming that he’s never seen this much gold in his life before.
“A past master once gave Dobby a gold tooth.”
Dobby starts slobbering with his tears.
“Dobby misses him!”
Harry is the one who has to console him with an awkward back pat, Dobby jumping into the arms of his precious Harry Potter and wiping his nose up and down his arm repeatedly.
“Dobby is blessed!”
Dumbledore is outside the vault interrogating a goblin.
That left Sirius and Hedwig.
“Ah ah, you going to swallow this too?”
He dangles his key over Hedwig’s face as though she were an unruly dog or Dobby.
She didn’t need another reminder of what she ate, thanks.
What a shithead. He better watch himself.
She looks into his eyes, making sure that he gets a full glimpse at her future murder plan, but he only laughs.
He won’t be laughing later. If he thought that image of Snape was the worst thing, he had some negative fortune cookies coming.
—
He brought them out to a big muggle city, declaring that they were all in dire need of a wardrobe change.
Hedwig, not needing clothes, slipped away.
Once again, Harry did not notice this, but he should have.
Harry was too enthralled by Sirius, his unknown godfather.
His unknown godfather that stood for everything that his blood relatives hated.
Sirius emerged from the store decked out in all-black leather gear. The thick fabric hid his emaciated frame, making him look like a badass biker. He had sunglasses resting atop his head, obscuring his eyes and creating an aura of mystery.
AC/DC playing from the stores speakers at that very moment.
He exuded confidence and masculinity. A dangerous man with a devil-may-care attitude, messy hair adding to the rebellious vibe.
He embodied the word “cool.”
If Hedwig were here, she would see the stars form in Harry’s eyes.
Harry and Dobby both looked at each other and back at Sirius, running after his beckoning hand.
—
Dumbledore didn’t realize he was in the women’s section.
He was wandering on his own when he got distracted by some beautiful overthrow robes in the window. They were so vibrant and see through! How far has muggle fashion come!
Where was Dumbledore, you might ask?
Where else but Victoria’s Secret?
The poor sales women entered a confusing conversation with the look-alike drug dealer.
“Oh my, the color here is so beautiful!”
He was poking and prodding at the boy shorts.
“But I must ask, do you have anything bigger?”
The slightly horrified woman led him over to the maternity section.
As if enchanted, he laid his eyes on a beautiful lacy purple night robe. He reached out and touched the fabric, feeling the delicate see-through material against his weathered old man fingers.
His knees knocked together as he imagined introducing the lovely fashion to Hogwarts.
He loved it.
“Perfect.”
This is how Dumbledore purchased a bunch of long night gowns meant for pregnant women in the bedroom.
-
They regrouped outside of an ice cream shop and oh, what a sight.
The three each did a spit take on their ice cream while seeing Dumbledore’s new choice of outfit.
He never ditched those damn Hello Kitty boots.
They were caked in mud and possibly
duck poop. Hello Kitty looked like she was screaming for help.
Sirius was the one forced to carry all of the shopping bags. Between the three of them, his floopy and sad muscles were working overtime.
In one of the bags was a necklace with Satan on it. Sirius took the liberty of not forgetting Hedwig.
Harry and Dobby looked like mini troublemakers. Mini makings of Sirius.
Oh god, Sirius bought Harry hairspray.
Oh no, not a mullet.
His sharp green eyes contrasted well with his almost black hair, spikes falling just above his eyes. He wore fingerless gloves, and just like Sirius, had another obnoxious leather jacket.
Now Dobby….
Dobby….
It seems that someone, taking pity, glued a hunk of hair to Dobby’s head.
Why was Dobby a ginger??
It looks like someone shaved their bush and pasted in to his head.
And who gave him a skull tattoo on the side of his neck??
He also had a brown leather jacked dangling over his diminutive frame.
He felt the power of the dark side run through him.
Regrouped and walking out, they can’t help but notice all of the helicopters.
Exiting the shopping plaza, Harry is the first to notice a white blur coming at them full speed.
…And the four tanks right behind her. And the helicopter following her suspiciously close with a spotlight. A couple of swat cars ride behind.
Oh my god, where did that dragon come from?
“Hedwig, what the bloody fuck?!”
Dumbledore squints his eyes behind his glasses.
“Oh my, is that a bomb strapped to her chest?”
What did you do!? Hedwig?!
—
The Obliviator Headquarters worked overtime.
—
On the muggle news that night, it would show a fugitive who hasn’t been seen for a decade, a suspicious figure with the appearance of a dinosaur, a man wearing a women’s night gown, a small wrinkly midget, and a white bird with a bomb strapped to its chest making a run for it before mysteriously disappearing on camera.
Alien theorists would use this tape for years to come.
—
Gringotts blacklisted Hedwig.
Sirius was left to pay for the damages.