Garnet

Harry Potter had just ended his fourth year at Hogwarts and things couldn't be any worse.

During Harry's fourth year, his name got placed in the Triwizard Cup by his Defense teacher who turned out to be a death eater, the whole school blamed him for taking the glory away from Hufflepuff, and his friends abandoned him. He spent the entire year utterly miserable and alone, and then worst of all his secret boyfriend was killed in front of him and Harry had to duel Voldemort who had just been resurrected and was now back.

And who is getting blamed for all of this?

Harry.

Who does everyone always blame for everything that goes wrong?

Harry.

And he was sick of it. He was sick of his so-called friends ditching him when things get hard, or them resenting him based on jealousy for things in his life that he can't even control.

Ron was jealous of Harry's fame which was something Harry couldn't even begin to understand. Who wanted to be famous for their parents being killed in front of them, because of them? Who wanted every time they get recognized to be a reminder they don't have parents or anyone in their life who cares about them?

Ron apparently

Harry was sick of being the golden boy of Gryffindor tower

The boy-who-lived

The savior of the wizarding world

The martyr

The lamb to the slaughter

The lier

The attention seeker

The boy who is blamed for everything

Yeah, Harry knew about the prophecy and all that shit Dumbledore tried so desperately to hide from him. Harry wasn't stupid despite what some may think and it was pretty easy to work out. But Dubledore expected Harry to be a mindless pawn like the rest of his army so he didn't even bother to hide the evidence of his many crimes. Talk about egotistical.

The thing Harry still can't believe was that fucking divination ruined his life and continues to make every year a new low. Who believes in a prophecy by a speaker who is a fraud most of the time and isn't even taken seriously in her own profession? Voldy that's who.

But Harry would like to think he's smarter than both of the fuck up's who are single-handedly ruining Wizarding Britan. The hat debated putting Harry in Ravenclaw for a reason. It was Harry's previous fear of excelling that ruined his chances at that. Harry knew what happened when he outperformed his cousin in classes so he made sure he was also getting lower marks than Hermionie and sometimes Ron. He pretended to hate revising and complained about school enough to sell his act. It worked perfectly and no one even thought to question him. He gave them no reason to so why should they?

In reality, Harry had always found comfort in books from a young age, and had a perfect memory. He excelled in his studies when he wasn't holding himself back. The only subject he was previously able to show his talents in was defense because no one would question if the boy who lived was a prodigy there.

As long as Harry always shows the world what they want to see even if his story doesn't always match up, they are too blinded by what they want to believe they buy it. Simple as that.

Harry, however, planned to change during his fifth year. After all, if the whole school and his ¨friends¨ always found a new thing to hate him for each year they might as well hate him for being better than them and not hiding it. No matter what he did they hated him and he was sick of it. Why should he care about the people's opinions who believed Harry was the reason Voldemort was previously dead? How in any world did a one-year-old survive the killing curse and get rid of the most powerful wizard in the world alone? His mother obviously used dark magic to save him before she was killed, and frankly, Harry had no idea how no one had figured it out when it was clear as day. But no, the perfect ¨light¨ family would never use dark magic!

But, the part of Harry's life that angered him the most was that Dumbledore raised him as a pig to the slaughter.

Dumbledore orchestrated everything in Harry's life and this wasn't something Harry ever planned to let him be unpunished for.

Dumbledore gave Harry to his Aunt and Uncle who he knew were going to abuse Harry his whole life but what's a bit of starvation, beatings, sexual and mental abuse for the greater good of a world Harry didn't want to join in the first place?

After all a four-year-old deserves to be assaulted repeatedly, beaten, and starved since he cried or dropped a cup while doing the washing or just because.

Then Dumbledore rushed in when it was convenient for him and his plans to tell Harry about Hogwarts, acting all good when in reality he was the same as Voldemort. Only cares for himself and his plans, controlling others with no regard for anyone else as long as he reaches his goal. Since it’s all for the greater good, who cares what lives are lost or ruined along the way?

Dumbledore set up the first meeting between the Weasleys and Harry at Kings Cross. He introduced Harry to Hermione and ¨good¨ light families just to steer Harry onto the path he wanted which would lead to his eventual death.

Dumbledore paid off the Weasleys to treat Harry like one of their own (at least to his face) promising them Harry wouldn't be around to burden them forever since he wouldn't make it past seventeen. Also assuming that Harry would fall for Ginny in the process since he felt so welcomed by her family. Then the Weasleys would get all the money in his vaults for their troubles.

Bold of Dumbledore to assume Harry would fall in love and marry Ginny then leave her everything he owns. He may not have any family to leave his money to but he's not stupid enough to leave it all to a family he would have only known for seven years at most. But Dumbledore was never known for subtlety or smarts.

Especially since Harry is gay but no one knew but Cedric who was gone.

Dumbledore paid off Hermione with a letter to Hogwarts. Typically only well-off families with strong connections in the wizarding world can go, but for the small price of pretending to care about Harry and keeping him alive through the shit Dumbledore leaves him to deal with every year, Hermione could go for free.

Harry didn't blame Ron and Hermione for everything that has happened to him since they were only partially at fault, but that doesn't mean he can't resent them for it.

Harry is nothing if not a person who holds grudges.

Harry's Hogwarts years have been nothing besides dangerous and they all ended with at least one near-death experience every year. Believe it or not, this wasn't a fun experience like some may think. Then after each one, Dumbledore comes sweeping in like a fucking saint spewing bullshit like ¨I dont know how this happened but you did the right thing, my boy, you were so noble and brave and your parents would be proud.¨ Yeah right Dumbledore knew everything that happened in the castle and had the power to do whatever he wanted to this story was as likely as the Dursleys liking Harry. Plus it's not like Harry would even know what his parents would think since the only memory Harry has of them is their deaths. In what way would people telling Harry how great his parents were make him happy? All it did was remind him of the people he will never get to know, and the experiences he will never have. But what are Harry's feelings compared to people who want to relive their youth vicariously through Harry?

Then at the end of each school year, Harry was sent back to the Dursleys and locked there for two months.

Each Summer.

Literally, any other family would be better than the Dusleys but Dumbledore insists Harry go back to them every summer.

The boy who lived having a loving home life was not part of Dumbledore's plan to make Harry self-sacrificing so why should he have the chance to be happy?

__________________________________________

Harry was currently locked in his room or should he say cupboard?

He had been at his Aunt and Uncle's for about two months leaving only two weeks left until Hogwarts started up again on September 1st.

Harry found himself not being able to sleep more nights than not. Then every few nights when he finally managed to fall asleep he woke up 2 or 3 hours later drenched in sweat with the ghost of Cedric's name still on his lips.

The Dursleys were not too fond of being woken up to their unwanted nephew's screams and Harry couldn't find it in himself to blame them.

It's not like he enjoyed the insomnia and the nightmares bringing him back to the graveyard but he couldn't escape them, he had to live through one of the worst days of his life over and over and over again.

Before Harry was able to even hear his Uncle storming down the stairs to inevitably hurt him, he knew he was in for a long night.

If Harry was lucky he would just get roughed up a bit. A few punches, kicks, maybe getting slammed into a wall or two. If he was unlucky his uncle would do much worse things, he would touch Harry and do unimaginable things that Harry was helpless to stop.

He always froze.

He could stand up against the dark lord and survive not one but two killing curses but he couldn't deal with his creep of a Uncle?

Fucking pathetic.

Useless, Weak, Nothing.

Cedric was the only person Harry ever told. He always told Harry it wasn't his fault and Harry wasn't asking for it. That he didn't care and Harry was perfect the way he sees him no matter what his Uncle does to him. With Cedric believing that was easy, Cedric held him together when Harry couldn't himself and no one else would, and now all of that is gone.

Lost forever because of Harry.

Now he would never get that comfort again because Harry did nothing to prevent Cedric from getting murdered.

Now he was back to being nothing to everyone.

Harry didn't think he would ever be able to forgive himself for letting Cedric go, but it wasn't like anyone cared to think how this whole situation was affecting Harry anyway. Harry was always expected to be okay after everything that happened to him, and he was used to it by now. He never had parents to care about his well being so he expected no different at Hogwarts. That is just the way things are and always have been for Harry.

He was the boy who lived.

Always the boy who lived.

__________________________________________

Luckily tonight Vernon only beat him up. Well not lucky since Harry couldn't stand by the end of it, he had multiple broken bones and breathing was becoming more and more difficult the longer he layed on the ground. But he'd prefer this any day to the alternative so who was he to complain?

Harry knew his magic would heal him in a day or two and his glamors would cover the handprints around his neck, and bruises and gashes that covered the rest of his body, so he wasn't too worried about his injuries. What he was more worried about was getting back to his cupboard.

He had always subconsciously been able to cover the abuse and his malnutrition with glamors. He didn't even know he was doing it before Hogwarts, it just happened. Harry didn't know why but hey, he'd do anything to prevent anyone from knowing what he truly looked like even subconsciously.

After about an hour Harry finally found himself squeezed back into his cupboard. The only thing that had been going through Harry's head since his nightmare, really since the graveyard was Cedric.

Cedric

Cedric

Cedric

Cedric

Every time Harry closed his eyes he heard the echo of Cedric's voice and saw the cold eyes of the boy he had loved dead.

Dead, gone forever.

Harry still couldn't believe he was gone. He found himself looking for Cedric wherever he went and it was fucking annoying.

He saw Cedric in the dandelions in the grass. Reminding him of the night before the third task where they were on the grounds wishing on dandelions. Cedric told him he had something to tell him once the tourdement was done. Harry never got to know what he wanted to say.

So much left unsaid, never to be heard.

He saw him in the clouds he always used to insist looked like random objects.

In the stars from the nights Harry spent teaching Cedric on the astronomy tower. His favorite spot he had only shared with Cedric, the stories behind the constellations he was sure everyone else would find silly. Cedric just pulled him closer laughing and listening no matter how long Harry rambled on for.

But it was all gone now and all that was left was the ghost of memories in the wind.

There was only one thing that Harry could do that ever drowned out the voices and memories. It probably wasn't the best coping method, but Harry had been doing it since his second year and nothing bad had happened to him because of it and he didn't think he could stop doing it if he tried anyway. Once he started he couldn't stop till he almost passed out.

It was the feeling.

The feeling was something he couldn't explain.

It was like flying, a breath of fresh air after being stuck underwater for too long, it was like seeing clearly for the first time, hearing without the constant buzzing in his ears.

Harry had scars of shallow and deep cuts lining both of his arms going almost up to his shoulders and down to his wrists. So much so that the cut Voldemort had given him couldn't even be seen amongst the rest of his cuts.

No one knew about them and that was the way Harry was going to keep it. There were many things people didn't know about him, but hey it wasn't his fault no one cared enough to pay attention to him.

Harry dragged the blade along his scared wrist with a practiced ease. He had hundreds of cuts by now, there was almost no unblemished skin on his arms. One of the first charms Harry learned himself was the cutting spell for this exact reason but it just didn't feel the same as his blade, so unless he was desperate he never used it. Harry also never uses the cleaning or bandage charms to clean his wounds, there was something satisfying about the routine of cleaning and dressing the cuts himself. Harry carries his blade with him everywhere so he never feels the loss of control which would lead the mask he has so carefully secured to fall away. Harry would not, could not let that happen.

The only time when Harry can't hide what he is feeling and his mask drops are when he gets into weird moods that he can't block out no matter how hard he tries. And believe him, he has tried. Every few months, sometimes weeks Harry can feel sickness creeping into him. He can't get out of bed, he can't pretend to be happy, he can't move, and most of the time he can't feel.

Well, he does feel but all it is, is the sense of sorrow, and depression coursing throughout him. All he seems to be able to do is lay in bed then when he inevitably isn't able to sleep drag himself to the astronomy tower in the dead of night where he knows no one will hear him scream. He sits on the edge of the tower, thinking about jumping. About plummeting to the ground and how he would be able to finally feel the joy others experience as he fell.

He did jump once. The episode or whatever he was feeling had been going on for two weeks and he couldn't take it anymore, cutting himself wasn't enough, starving himself wasn't enough, and sitting on the edge of the tower wasn't enough so he just let go.

But instead of falling he slowly floated to the ground.

He couldn't even die right what a fucking failure at not just life but death too.

Harry tried again a few months later but again it was useless. That didn't stop Harry from coming to the tower when things got bad and sitting on the edge. Wishing he could die, wishing he was gone and could stop existing, wishing everyone could forget about him. Still jumping sometimes knowing the result and how it would make things worse, but not caring at the slight chance it could be the end of all his pain and suffering for good.

Then comes the exhilaration. The feeling of not being able to stop moving, to sit down and rest. Harry didn't sleep no matter how he felt, so he didn't even bother. He didn't even pretend to sleep like he did other nights, spending his time anywhere else doing anything that came to mind.

When Harry feels like this he tends to get in the most trouble which was bullshit. His ideas were good and everyone who didn't realize it was stupid. He went out in the middle of the night ending up at the quidditch pitch instead of the tower. Harry got his broom and flew around trying to learn faints and moves he saw in magazines. More times than not this resulted in broken bones and dangerous falls but Harry's magic healed it all before there was lasting damage and the glamors did the rest so he didn't see a problem in it.

During these times Harry couldn't help himself from talking back to Snape and anyone who got on his nerves. He tried to hold his tongue, he did but he just couldn't help himself. He spent his free time exploring the castle, looking for places that may have been missed from being added to the marauder's map.

Harry couldn't tell which mood he would rather have since no matter if he felt energized, exhausted, or as normal as he could be he was miserable. He always found himself hoping for whatever he wasn't feeling at the time so it was a loose-loose situation no matter what.

The only two people who ever seemed to notice these changes in Harry were the twins. Harry quite liked the twins since they did whatever they wanted and were more neutral than blindingly light like their family. They always tried to make him feel better without being overbearing about it, they didn't try to fix him or change him. They acted normal and didn't get annoyed when Harry was a dick to them, ignored them completely, or talked their ears off with random things he thinks of. They genuinely cared and don't want anything from him like so many others.

It was enough.