i will not kill my coworker(s)
4:36 pm
unknown number:
Hey
unknown number:
It’s zeke
I got your new number from hange
Now listen i know what you’re about to say
levi:
i’ll fucking kill you don’t even test me
unknown number:
Allow me to start again
unknown number changed their name to Zeke
Zeke:
Heyy buddyyy…. long time no anger issues, huh?
levi:
i don’t even want to know what you want. i’m blocking you and deleting your number. again.
and then i’m killing four-eyes (hange, not you) for doing this to me
Zeke:
Woah woah woah, it’s not hange’s fault. They did it because i promised to fund their next dissection. And bought them funyuns.
levi:
bastard
Zeke:
The easiest way to a scientist’s heart is through funding and funyuns
Anyways
Heyyyyy new coworker :)
levi:
WHAT
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
Zeke:
Don’t speak like that to the newest professor of anthropology at Shiganshina University, it reflects poorly on your person
levi:
HOW
WHY
NO
NONONONONONO
no no this is a prank this is a PRANK. did eren tell you it would be funny to say this
Zeke:
Eren doesn’t know yet :) we’re having dinner tonight and i’m telling him then
levi:
fuck
Zeke:
Isn’t this so exciting? Zeke and Levi, back together again. What fresh mischief will they get into?
levi:
i can’t believe this
Zeke:
I know right
levi:
if your stunted hipster ass comes within 50 yards of me i’m gonna make your large intestine into one straight flesh tube,
small intestine as well
Zeke:
I look forward to it.
-
worsties <33
4:47 pm
levi:
hange zoë
dr. theynkenstein:
ooh not the full name and umlaut 😓😓 i can explain i prommy
please don’t kill me
levi:
i’m not mad i am just disappointed
dr. theynkenstein:
i’ve changed my mind i’d rather you just killed me
levi:
zeke yeager is coming to shiganshina and you decided it would be best if i heard about it from ZEKE YEAGER
rather than you, my best friend of roughly 15 years of my life
dr. theynkenstein:
sorry i’m so so sorry levi i am wracked with guilt you can viking blood eagle me if you want to
he did give me funyuns though 🙏 who would blame me
levi:
you’re hopeless
dr. theynkenstein:
is all forgiven?? 🥺
levi:
…
dr. theynkenstein:
so that’s a yes? or do i need to start running?
levi:
your punishment will be clean our dorm room top to bottom. for every dust particle i detect you will have to buy me lunch. you have from now until the time i get back from the criminology department.
dr. theynkenstein:
WAIT
LEVI NOOOO
YOU KNOW THE TEACHER’S DORMS ARE CAKED WITH FILTH AND GRIME BEYOND HUMAN ABILITY TO CLEAN
AND YOU KNOW ME
THE EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION
LEVI
NO
levi:
i don’t like tomato on my sandwiches but i would prefer extra lettuce.
-
Eren
Zeke (brother mine):
Hey Eren! It’s been a while…I’m in town for a few days and i was wondering if you and i could grab dinner tonight
(Read 4:35 pm)
Zeke (brother mine):
I was thinking we could do…. Hannes Bar and Grill?
(Read 5:01 pm)
Zeke (brother mine):
Hello?
Eren:
oh hi zeke my bad
was watching mikasa beat up reiner at the boxing gym and trying to do some bio work for Professor Zoe’s class
good times
but yeah i’d totally be down for dinner! does 6:30 work okay?
Zeke (brother mine):
That’s perfect, i’ll pick you up then.
Oh and Eren… don’t tell grisha. he and i are… not speaking to each other presently
Eren:
🤐
when you use ellipses like that it makes me think you’re going to kill me tbh
Zeke (brother mine):
…..
Eren:
what are you in town for anyway? you haven’t been up this way in years. thought you were studying in marley
Zeke:
I’ll tell you at dinner. It’s a surprise
Eren:
…
-
5:37 pm
Eren created a new chat
Eren added armin, Mikasa A., Jeanbo, and several others to the chat
Eren changed the name of the chat to the cadets 🫡🦅
Eren:
@Jeanbo nice username man
Jeanbo:
shut up my mom set up my account for me when i was like, ten
it’s default
Eren:
lmao
Mikasa A.:
Eren, don’t antagonize him.
Eren:
(whining) but mikasaaaa
Mikasa A.:
Jean is already sad enough because Annie kicked his dick in during boxing today.
Also, ‘(whining)’ is crazy.
Eren:
SHE DID WHAY
*WHAT
Jeanbo:
MIKASA I THOUGHT I SAID DONT TELL HIM THAT
Mikasa A.:
Well, you did, but I didn’t listen. :3.
Jeanbo:
>:(
Jeanbo changed Mikasa A.’s name to mikasa the betrayer
Eren changed mikasa the betrayer’s name to mikasa (goat)
Jeanbo changed their name to jean
mikasa (goat):
🐐
armin:
oh hey
Eren:
ARMIN. MY LOVE (no homo) (jk unless??)
do you wanna come over and watch a movie tonight
armin:
eren starting yet another groupchat for no discernible reason is my favorite gender
also yeah sure!
Eren:
hey it’s not for no reason :( it’s because we’re all in the 104th graduating class at SU
armin:
wait like all of us
eren that’s easily over 100 people
Eren:
nah it’s not that many only the cool people i’ve met so far (+jean)
jean:
i will fight you. i know krav maga
mikasa (goat):
If you know Krav Maga how come you didn’t use it when Annie inverted your dick earlier?
Eren:
MIKASA GOING FOR THE THROAT
armin:
MIKASA SHOW NO MERCY
mikasa (goat):
:)
Can we watch Sleepy Hollow, Eren?
Eren:
u know i’m renting it as we speak
armin arlert is this good with you
armin:
sighhh someday i will force you two to finish watching the last 30 minutes of 2001 Space Odyssey with me
but yeah ofc 😙
unknown number:
hello people i do not know!
unknown number changed their name to ymir freckled lemonade
ymir freckled lemonade:
so eren when you asked for my number i genuinely thought you were flirting with me and i was going to let you down politely but now that i see you’ve added me to a giant fuck ass groupchat instead? i think i have to make this painful
Eren:
why would you give me your number if you were going to let me down :(
ymir freckled lemonade:
it’s not because you’re ugly or anything it’s because i’m lebanese
and doing it over text is easier than doing it while looking at someone
Eren:
i have nothing against the lebanese??
mikasa (goat):
Lesbian, Eren. Haven’t you seen Mean Girls?
ymir freckled lemonade:
THANK you
but yeah i thought you seemed alright so i was gonna friendzone you
Eren:
oh. oh!
fear not m’lady 🤠(tips fedora) i am of a fruity nature myself
ymir freckled lemonade:
cringe + blocked + deleted + doxxed to reddit + pants peed + willy shrunk
Eren:
NO IT WAS A JOKE I DONT ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT ISTG 😭😭😭
pants peed and doxxed to reddit goes INSANE i’m stealing that
ymir freckled lemonade:
okay i just backread you pass the vibe check
Eren:
pumps fist
armin:
moving on from wtf that just was, hi everybody great to meet you
Eren:
i added a bunch of people idk where they all are
ymir freckled lemonade:
probably they’re all at the club i heard the bald one saying something about that
Eren:
ohhh
we’ll do intros in the morning then
OH SHIT i gotta meet zeke for dinner in half an hour i gotta goooo
mik + min ill pick you up when im done we’ll have our movie night
mikasa (goat):
Slay.
armin:
coolio
ymir freckled lemonade:
i am also here
armin:
house md reference??
Eren:
play nice 👋
-
8:00 pm
triforce of mental disorders
eren yay!:
@mikasasalele @armin
EMERGENCY