Fourth Week, Sunday
"Raaaaaannnmmmaaaaa!"
Ranma turned to see Ryouga running towards him. Ranma briefly wondered how Ryouga had found him when he'd just gotten off the bus into Nerima a few minutes ago.
Ranma shrugged and cracked his knuckles. Why ask why? It looked like he'd be getting in a fight almost as soon as his feet hit the ground. Well, if Ryouga was gonna take THAT approach, he wouldn't share the little item he'd found in China.
Ryouga ran past Ranma, then ducked right, disappearing into an alley. Ranma blinked twice, as his expression went blank. "Huh?"
"Over here!" Ryouga called from around the corner.
Ranma thought briefly this might be a trap, but why did Ryouga sound panicked?
"Hurry, they'll be here any moment!"
That was definitely panic in Ryouga's voice. Did Akane finally figure out who P-chan was?
"You gotta hide me, Ranma!"
Ranma got his first good look at Ryouga as he entered the alley. Torn clothing, tousled hair, lipstick stains, it must have been one heck of a fight.
Ranma stopped and rewound the last observation. "Lipstick stains?!" Ranma counted four such marks on Ryouga. "Ryouga, has Akari been..."
"Shut up!" Ryouga looked around nervously. "You don't have any clue at all, do you?"
"Uhm, well, if that isn't it, what's going on?"
Ryouga clenched a fist and made a face. "You don't know the horrors I've been through the past week. I can't even get lost without some girl coming around to help me out. I've got women chasing me around trying to get me to eat the 'extra lunch they just happened to bring along.' It's been HELL, I tell you!"
That last was howled. As the echoes died away, Ryouga opened his eyes and realized exactly what he had just done.
"Oh my."
Ranma jumped up and swung himself onto a fire escape as a mob of fuku-clad women came running around the corner.
"RYOUGA-SAMA!" The lead girl was waving a bokken over her head. "I would date with you!"
"Ryouga-darling!”
“Ryouga-honey!”
“Ri-chan!”
“Charlotte!”
“Ryouga my sweet!”
“Ryouga, make me yours!"
The crowd was charging along only slightly behind the bokken wielder.
"Eeep!" Ryouga turned and ran, trying his level best to attain Warp Factor Six without benefit of a starship. Ranma had to admit he was doing a fair job of it too. Maybe this was some kind of speed training that Ryouga had thought up. Nah, that was real panic that the lost boy was displaying.
Thoroughly puzzled, Ranma swung down off the fire escape and turned the corner. Another one of the fuku wearing girls was standing there, looking at him as if he were a lunch buffet.
"Urk." Ranma felt a brief moment of panic. What had those girls done to Ryouga that had caused him such distress? Then something about the face clicked. "Akane?"
"Ranma," Akane said with a cute smile, so happy to see him that she giggled and did a quick twirl. "Do you like the new school uniform? Isn't it pretty?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Akane Tendo. My mistake." Her hair was much longer, it couldn't be Akane, could it?
"Silly," Akane giggled again, holding her hand in front of her mouth. She looked at Ranma and put her hands behind her back, swinging one leg back and forth. "I AM Akane Tendo."
"Huh?!" Ranma's mind froze up. Was it a possession? Another vengeful spirit doll or something?
Akane briefly looked sad and demure. "Ranma, when you left, I was so sad, so forlorn, so lonely without you."
"Huh?" Ranma automatically started forward when he saw tears (TEARS?!) making tracks down Akane's cheeks. "Akane, do you feel OK?"
As soon as Ranma moved within range, Akane glomped him. Again Ranma's mind locked up, maybe it was on Windows 95, but Akane acting like this seemed to freeze up his operating system.
"Ranma, don't ever do that again." Akane seemed to press even tighter against Ranma. "Don't ever leave me again, Ranma."
"A-kan-e. Can't...breathe...."
"Oh my darling, how I've counted the hours, no, the minutes since we've been parted."
"P-le-as-e. Need. Air."
"Ranma, if you must leave ever again, take me with you, I promise not to be a burden! I beg you!"
Ranma, now turning blue, only managed to make a choking noise. Some distant part of his mind noted that the hydraulic pressure on her glomp was approaching the level of a trash compactor.
"I know I'm more fragile than you, but you must take me with you!" Akane tightened a little more. "I...I can carry my own weight!"
"urk." Ranma thought he felt his ribs groaning. Everything was fading to black. If he could just get some air. That same distant part of his mind had upgraded the pressure level to car crusher. His shock over what Akane was saying was also causing him to remain off balance.
"No, Ranma, I know what you're thinking." Akane looked up at him and noticed his coloration was off. "Oh no! Ranma, you've gotten sick! I'll bet you haven't eaten properly since you left!"
"Don't worry, Akane," came a voice as another fuku clad girl walked out of the alley.
"Ukyou," Akane smiled brightly. "Together..."
Ukyou nodded. "Together we can get him to my place and nurse him back to health."
Akane's smile turned a little predatory. Funny how it matched the grin that Ukyou was wearing. "Between the two of us, we can make sure we don't have to share him with the rest of the girls."
If Ranma had been conscious he would have been in a similar state of panic to Ryouga. As it was, he was quickly carried through the streets without much fuss at all.
-----Commercial Break-----------
SCENE: The Cat Cafe. Interior. Shampoo is wearing her cheongsam.
SHAMPOO: "Aiyah, and welcome to Cat Cafe! We have authentic style Chinese cuisine, prepared in accordance with ancient recipes. No MSG, cat, or dog used in OUR recipes."
MOUSSE (offscreen): "QUACK!"
SHAMPOO: "Ask about our pressed duck special!"
MOUSSE (runs past camera towards the exit):"QUAAAAACK!"
SHAMPOO (gives evil smile briefly before going back to "Charming Hostess" mode.): "Heh. Lunch specials daily, and absolute best ramen in Nerima."
SCENE: changes to Shampoo standing in front of a map. There is a highlighted section marked Cat Cafe.
SHAMPOO: "Convenient for Furinkan students. Come by and say why Shampoo only choice for Ranma and get 20% off YOUR lunch ramen."
SCENE: Shampoo on "bicycle of death".
SHAMPOO: "Reasonable delivery fees. Just no forget tip for pretty delivery girl."
SCENE: Shampoo chasing Ranma, she's using her bonbori.
VOICEOVER: "Cat Cafe, serving Nerima since 1993."
---End Commercial Break--------------------
Tetsuo had to admit that Hide was one of the most useful spells he knew. Not that he knew that many, or that he was powerful enough to cast some of the ones he'd heard about that sounded REALLY neat.
He also had to admit that when magical talent had been passed out, he was somewhere between Pathetic and Vaguely Competent. Knowing that, he concentrated on the spells he was able to manage, and he practiced the Hide spell quite a lot.
In theory, it was quite simple. Form a pattern of Spirit and Air, weave it with one's own chi, and feed it a trickle of your own strength. It didn't make one invisible, but unless the caster did something to draw attention to himself, people and animals tended to ignore the caster as if he were just part of the background.
Useless for a warrior, who intended to disturb the environment, and therefore canceled it out just by planning an attack. For a spy or someone trying to survive, it was incredibly useful. Tetsuo Tsukiku, recent transfer to Furinkan Senior High School, placed himself emphatically in this last category.
All it would take would be one more o-bento lunch prepared by someone with no talent or training for it and he'd be done for. It proved that good intentions were not, in and of themselves, sufficient for some tasks. Cooking, bomb disposal, and heart surgery were all, in Tetsuo's opinion, not something you did without proper training.
The news had leaked out, Tetsuo suspected Nabiki, that Tetsuo was living all by himself. That he hadn't had a homecooked meal in months and was trying to get by on his own.
There had also been the photos. Again this was most likely Nabiki, though "Gos-chan" was another possibility. Tetsuo was quite glad that the pictures of Ryouga were outselling his own. He'd only seen a few of these pictures, but the phrase "full noodle frontality" seemed to cover the basics. Pictures from the guys' showers, pictures of Ryouga in a furo, pictures of each and every one of the remaining male students in the school (plus Ryouga of course, though Miss Hinako seemed to have forgotten that Ryouga wasn't a student.)
Seeing a set of cards being passed around by one group of girls, Tetsuo edged a little closer until he could figure out what it was. When he did, he was able to go from suspicion to confirmed on who was the one responsible for his home being staked out.
It was obviously Nabiki's work, Gos couldn't put together anything nearly so professional looking. Nabs had put together TRADING CARDS. Tetsuo retreated, thanking all the kami that he'd found a lorebook on ninja spirit magic and had been able to learn the Hide spell. Height, weight, probable financial income, hobbies, and other stats had been speculated on or compiled for quite a few males in the area.
Tetsuo thought that when Hitoshi finally made a move on Nabiki, that should cut down on Nabs' free time. He wouldn't be at all unhappy to see Nabs spend less time in the yakuza-style businesses.
Looking back at the girls trading cards, Tetsuo shuddered. This was Bad, and Tetsuo figured he'd better warn the others. Now if he could just find Ryouga.
Still, he'd like to get a copy himself, just to see how he rated.
Thousands of miles away, Herb of the Musk Dynasty read a report given him by one of his spies, crumpled it in his fist, and incinerated it with a chi bolt.
"Akunin."
A shadow moved. "Not here, milord. He, ahem, has a case of the craps."
Herb sighed deeply, turned his eyes to the heavens and silently asked "Why me?"
After a moment of this he turned his attention to the one still standing in the shadows. "Karashi, isn't it?"(1)
"Yes, milord."
"Would you get your butt out here where I can see you, you're not some damn ninja you know."
Karashi shuffled forward slightly, revealing a young man with a wiry build wearing outlander clothing.
"I take it that everyone else..."
"Yes, milord."
"First this bit with Happosai," Herb looked again to the heavens. "He was supposed to be the 'Instrument Of Our Divine Vengeance', wasn't he?"
"Yes, milord," Karashi said, wondering if that was meant to be a rhetorical question or not.
Herb glared. "Then WHY does this report indicate that he has instead become our 'Instrument Of Annoyance' and failed to do much of anything to Saotome? The only one he actually GOT in this plan that was on my list was the DUCK-BOY!"
"Uhm." Karashi was pretty sure that this one WAS a rhetorical question, but nodded to indicate he was paying attention.
"On top of that we have our storage unit collapse and our dungeon got flooded with that 'Bishojo Bride' water. It wasn't a problem then, no, because it was the concentrate. Then we have a stroke of brilliance from former-Commander Mabushi, to get all the fluid out of there by using the new pumps. Which would have been fine if the stuff wasn't almost a syrup in consistency. So this GENIUS decides to flood the place so that the water is thin enough to pump through the filters.
"How lovely that he then sent two squads of HIS OWN SOLDIERS into that area to position the hoses!"
"Oh my," managed Karashi.
"So, we've got THAT problem to deal with, the damn virus going around, and the only one I've got to send on a vital mission is YOU!"
"A vital mission? Me, sir? Thankyouthankyou."
Herb hit his head against the wall a couple of times. It didn't help. The only agent he had to assist him at the moment was his idiot cousin, the one who was currently wearing an "Akira" T-shirt and ragged jeans.
Maybe, realized Herb, maybe he would just have to put everything on hold. He wasn't sure Karashi could find the Chinese coast if you gave him a map and a compass. Sighing again, he gave Karashi his instructions and waited for the idiot to leave.
If nothing else, maybe it was time to further prune the family tree.
Ranma awoke, realizing three very important things: a) each arm was handcuffed to an object. b) each object was a bed post. c) the bed he was in was NOT his futon.
This led, of course, to conclusion d. d) he was in Big Trouble.
From the position of the sun, he'd guess that he had been unconscious less than an hour. The door opened and he saw Akane enter. This was not Akane's room, so the immediate hope was that he was about to be rescued. Then he saw that she was bringing in a tray of food.
Ranma watched in horror as Akane brought the food closer.
"I'm so glad you're awake, Ranma." Akane smiled. "I made this meal, JUST FOR YOU." She sat down, preparing to feed him by hand. Ranma prayed for a meteor strike, SOMETHING that would stop this nightmare.
Akane smiled at Ranma. It was her turn to feed him, then Ukyou would get her chance. Then Shampoo would be called over. All three agreed that they would MAKE Ranma choose. All three also agreed not to invite that Harenchi woman or Kodachi over.
Ranma would make his choice, and then she and Ranma would marry. Akane smiled even more, her smile promising many things to Ranma.
Ranma just hoped at the moment that getting loose was one of them.