Must Include a Kazoo - PG - Darcy/Heimdall
When the professional hero caretaker was unhappy, everyone suffered.
This was a truth that everyone working with the Avengers had come to know very well. The first time Darcy Lewis was displeased, it was because some idiot newbie told her that she was never going to be able to keep up with former S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, and that only someone with real training could ever expect to be useful to the Avengers. The entire stock of spices and condiments in the cafeteria mysteriously disappeared--consistently, no matter how many times replacements were ordered--for two straight weeks. Everyone was subjected to the most bland food they had ever encountered until Steve Rogers figured out who had said what, gave a blistering lecture, and forced an apology. The spices and such were returned overnight, though no one had ever been able to sort out how she’d done it.
Not long after, when Tony put his foot down on the suggestion that the facility should be decorated for Halloween, someone explained to Vision that it was the season of purposeful jump scares and someone who could phase through walls could really be living the dream. After several days of everyone getting an unexpected visit decorations went up and Darcy calmly explained that jump scares worked best when used sparingly. There were probably a dozen similar incidents over the years, but the true face of how unpleasant and annoying an upset Darcy could be wasn’t revealed until after the dust from the Accords had settled.
Secretary Ross began to be a regular visitor. Darcy, always in charge of hosting guests and putting on the best show of hospitality, completely disappeared for the first two visits. Like, no one could find her on the entire planet kind of disappeared. Several people whispered speculation that Romanov had been tutoring her. Others insisted that she was some kind of magic. There were still more whispers about a supposed sorcerer in Greenwich Village who’d helped her pay a blood price for complete invisibility at will.
Look, when you work with super heroes water cooler gossip and strange tumblr theories are really the same thing.
After the disappearances, Darcy began to cause genuine trouble during Ross’s visits. She never did anything bad enough to make Tony fire her, but there were plenty of annoyances. Purposefully switching sugar and salt when baking the sweets, locking people out of the thermostat so the board rooms were all uncomfortably hot or cold, and putting thumbtacks on chair seats were just a few of the things she’d gotten up to. Finally, though, she hit the point where she’d had enough. Somehow, Ross had found out that Clint Barton had a wife. He didn’t know about the kids or even Laura’s name, but he’d started putting into media circulation that he was hunting for Hawkeye’s spouse to ‘ask some questions.’ Every single soul that knew about the Barton family farm was feigning perfect ignorance, and the next time Ross visited, Darcy basically went to war.
Ross didn’t bat an eye when Darcy was already waiting in the conference room that Tony showed him to, her feet propped on one end of the conference table while she reclined in a spinning office chair. He gave her a polite nod and settled into a seat of his own. Darcy fiddled with something between her hands while he pulled papers out of a briefcase and Tony took a chair of his own. Finally, Ross opened his mouth to speak.
“Mr. Sta--”
BAAAHHH.
Startled, both men turned to Darcy and the small plastic instrument stuck between her lips. She quirked an eyebrow in their direction. Ross opened his mouth to speak again. Darcy took a deep breath and blew the kazoo over his words. Again and again. She even made noise while inhaling through the toy.
“Lewis, is that really necessary?” Tony asked, fighting not to smile. She merely raised an eyebrow again, her gaze unwavering.
“Come, Miss Lew--”
Baah bah BAAAHHH.
It didn’t take long to devolve into shouting. Shouting quickly resulted in a very flustered Ross storming out of the compound from the nearest exterior door with papers haphazardly sticking out of his briefcase. At his side, Tony was struggling to suppress his mirth. Darcy trailed behind them, keeping up the steady trumpeting every time Ross tried to talk. When they reached the middle of an open field and Ross had taken a break from his ranting to fume silently, she spit the kazoo out of her mouth.
“Hey, boss-man,” she chirped, coming up between them and looping one of her arms through each of theirs. “Wanna know where I hid all the spices that one time?” Without waiting for an answer, she tilted her head back to stare up at the clouds. “Babe! Now!”
Rainbow lights exploded around them. Sound roared in their ears as they were lifted off the ground, moving at speeds to fast to quantify. Tony’s stomach dropped into his toes. Ross lost his briefcase. Seconds later, they both hit the ground in a glittering domed building. Before them an enormous man in shining gold armor pulled a sword from a huge hunk of stone. Darcy, still on her feet as though traveling across an Einstein-Rosen bridge was as familiar as breathing, skipped forward and threw herself into the man’s arms. He bent low to kiss her, cradling the back of her head in one large hand.
“Hello, my love,” he rumbled when they came up for air.
Still in his spot on the floor, Tony sat back and laughed. “Dammit, Lewis,” he chuckled. “I have three grand in the pool on sex pact with the New York wizard.”
“That was a poor choice,” the Asgardian told him with a chuckle of his own. “The sorcerer’s heart belongs to another.” His gold eyes crinkled as he regarded Tony. “It is good to meet you, Man of Iron. I am Heimdall.” His gaze grew distant, as if something far away had caught his attention. He reluctantly released Darcy. “You don’t have much time, dear one. They are already searching for him.”
Darcy sighed like a petulant child while Heimdall crossed the room to a small chest and rummaged about. “Nothing but trouble, I swear,” she grumbled. “We need a vacation, babe. Time for just the two of us.” The Bifrost guardian returned and dropped a small pouch into her hands.
“A gift from the king.” That got an eyebrow raise from Darcy, and Tony could swear he heard her whisper something about Loki. Which didn’t make any sense given that Thor had told them about his nutcase brother kicking the bucket. “I’m not a fool,” Heimdall assured her with a fond smile. “Keep the family of Thor’s brother in battle safe, and call me when you can be spared for a few days. I am owed a small reprieve from duty.”
“Sweet!” Mollified, Darcy popped up on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck before skipping back to where Ross was finally starting to get a handle on his nerves. Before he could start shouting, she upended the pouch over his head and smirked while glittering dust was absorbed into his body. Then, very clearly, she spoke. “The tip about Barton having a wife was a lie. You’ll pull the media campaign. This little trip never happened.” Ross looked dazed, but he nodded. Darcy threw a blinding smile over her shoulder at Heimdall. He have her a gentle nod, then plunged the sword back down.
Back on Earth, they shuffled Ross off in record time, Darcy smiling all the while and twirling the kazoo between her fingers. Once he was gone and she and Tony were alone, she fixed him with a radiant smile.
“I’m gonna need a couple days off.”