Animal Hijinks - PG-13 (language only) - Darcy/Pepper
It began with a single white hair.
The offending strand, barely two inches in length, was discovered on an official Iron Man merchandise throw pillow that rested on one of the communal lounge’s very plush couches. With many of the tower’s residents, its discovery would have been shrugged off without a second thought. With the tower’s owner… well, Tony Stark isn’t exactly known for his habit of not sweating the small stuff. The Where-The-Fuck-Did-This-Fur-Come-From Inquisition went from zero to sixty in the space of an hour.
By the time Tony and his Secondary High Inquisitor--the long-suffering Doctor Bruce Banner--got the lab results revealing the white hair to be from a Great Pyrenees more fur had been found. The tower was on lock down. Camera footage was being combed through with all the computing power that could be spared. With the patience of an absolute saint, Bruce made his way from person to person with a StarkPad to put them through Tony’s thorough questionnaire. Bruce had barely made it through the low level staff when the results came back on the second round of fur.
Curly grey strands from a poodle were discovered on the mats of one of the training rooms. Short, sleek hairs from a dachshund were scattered across the carpet in one of the observation rooms. Fragments of the thick winter coat of an Alaskan husky were clumped on a blanket that had been thrown haphazardly over a different couch from the one where the original offender was found. The soft fluff of a pomeranian appeared in one of the penthouse elevators. DUM-E, the poor, miraculously stupid robot, whirled himself into the lab with his bottom half liberally coated in the shed hairs of a Siamese cat. Miraculously, the cameras were having critical malfunctions in every place that fur appeared.
The violation of his strict “No Pets in Avengers Tower” policy was well on the way to driving Tony complete bonkers before dinner time.
High in the fortress that was the Stark Industries CEO’s office on the floors just below the Avengers’ residences, two women watched the insanity play out in high definition on the best holo-screens that Stark tech could provide. They’d been cuddled up in the comfy pajamas they both kept hidden in the office since late morning when the White Hair of Doom had been found. They were surrounded by a collection of snack foods, fuzzy blankets, and comfortable pillows. As they watched, Tony threw a spectacular fit in the middle of the lab when Bruce brought him the news of more fur in half a dozen more places.
“Where did you get such a variety?” Pepper asked, nudging her companion’s ankle with a bunny slipper clad foot.
Darcy gave a bit of a feral grin. “I volunteer at a shelter on the weekends. Been collecting for the last two months. Endless possibilities.” She stretched and snuggled closer, drawing a crocheted afghan over both of their laps. “Any regrets leaving him for me?”
“Certainly not,” Pepper snorted, twining their hands together. “Especially not after this.” She gestured to one of the screens where a miraculously calm Dr. Banner was fighting not to laugh behind Tony’s back when Captain America found cat hair in his uniform. “This is revenge for years of the weird crap he put me through.”
“Yeah,” Darcy agreed, smiling wistfully. “I really think this might be some of my best work.”
When Bucky Barnes walked into the lab with clumps of fur stuck between the plates of his prosthetic arm, they actually got to see Tony break down in hysterical tears.