hell hath no fury like a scorned ex boyfriend

Tony and Pepper had been busy with the final touches for the tower when Coulson showed up, ruining all of his good mood. 

“Security breach!” he immediately insisted, watching in dismay as the agent walked in with a bunch of files in his hands. Ugh, he could just sense the paperwork.

And then Pepper had the audacity to call him ‘Phil’ - lover of horses? What kind of sick parent would do that - when his name was very clearly Agent and then tricked him into picking up Coulson’s bunch of files.

Ugh, he had really hoped for a relaxing night in with his best girl, perhaps even facetime Rhodey for a while and order good yummy New York pizza for the first time in like forever (two weeks). And no, instead he gets fucking homework from fucking Agent Agent of fucking SHIELD.

He morosely pulled up the holographic screens, watching as various individual’s faces and information flashed into the screen. He immediately grinned when he noticed his own suit flying, then scowled because where the fuck did they get videos of him? He needed to get JARVIS into their systems and fuck shit up a little.

Natashalie Rushmanova was also there, and was that Dr Bruce Banner as the Hulk? This was great and-

And then he stopped. Stared at the holograms in shock, leaning in closer to one particular screen, Pepper watching avidly next to him.

Then she too appeared surprised. “Is that?”

Phil appeared a little pleased. “Yeah, that’s Captain-”

“What the absolute fuck is Loki doing?!” screeched Tony, much to the astonishment of the agent.

Coulson recovered swiftly. “You know Lo-” he tried, but Tony was glaring at the screen as he pulled up the rest of the reading material.

“JARVIS, start running facial recognition and get one of my suits ready, Pep raincheck and take double agent out with you, I have homework to do.”

Coulson clearly wanted to ask more questions, probably about his connection to Loki, but one look at Tony’s furious expression and he was allowing Pepper to escort him out.

Tony glared at the screen the moment they were gone again. “I’m going to kick his ass.”

+++

Loki and Captain America were kicking the shit out of each other as Tony blasted towards them, AC/DC playing over Romanoff’s speakers. Any other time and Tony would have spent a few moments ogling the son his father never had, but any other time he didn’t have Loki in his sights wearing a weird horned helmet and his very own Sailor Moon Crescent Wand.

He shot him on sight, sending him backwards as he landed next to the spangly man with a plan, glaring at him from behind the armour mask. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

The raven haired man smirked a little at them, clearly unaware of who Tony was. He ignored the Captain greeting him and pulled up his mask, narrowed eyes on the man laying on the ground. “I said,” he started, voice no longer distorted, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Lokes?”

This time Loki had the grace of looking at him and immediately blanching. “A-Anthony?” he stammered, looking around possibly for an escape route. “Uh, you… you look, uh, very good-”

He snapped his mouth shut when Tony pointed all of his weapons at him, looking uneasy. Good for him, he could at least tell there was still a very big chance of Tony shooting him.

A few minutes later, Loki, his fancy wand, Mr American Ice Pop and Tony were on Natashalie and Agent Coulson’s helicopter, slightly tense as it took off.

Coulson tried to speak to him, but Tony sat down right opposite of a strapped in Loki, arms crossed a firm glare on his face.

Loki kept trying to evade his gaze in turn, eyes darting towards him and then guiltily away every couple of moments. He had clearly not expected Tony, which had thrown him off his game.

The good Captain was the first person to finally brave the question. “So… you uh, know this man, Mr Stark?”

The engineer didn’t look away from Loki as he spoke. “No, apparently I do not know him.”

“Anthony,” tried Loki, giving him a guilty look, but the other wasn’t done.

“I mean, you’re a fucking alien and never thought it’d be a good idea to inform me? An alien god prince? What the fuck, Lokes? Seriously.”

“Anthon-”

“And the first thing you do after showing up for the first time in years,” he continued, seething, “is to attack agents of SHIELD - who are dicks, I'll give you that - and kidnap Selvig? I hear no peep on you for more than a fucking year, ” his voice got louder and Loki seemed to be seriously considering breaking the window and jumping out without parachute, “zilch, nada, nothing! And then I have to hear it from Agent Agent that you’re back?!”

“Agent Agent?” whispered the triple impostor from the cockpit, making Coulson make a face at her.

When Tony stayed quiet for more than 10 seconds, Loki finally raised two timid hands. “Minn dyrr, I know you probably have a lot of questions,” he started, then wincing when he heard the rumble of a storm brewing.

“What, afraid of a little lightning?” couldn’t help but quip the Captain, watching between the pale and nervous Loki and the still glaring Iron Man.

Loki’s gaze washed over him and back to Tony. “I’m not overly fond of what follows.”

The Iron Man’s face didn’t clear, exactly, but his glare loss some of the blaze. “What does he want?”

The pale eyed alien shrugged. “Probably to drag me back home kicking and screaming,” he said with a calmness that wasn’t broadcasted in the slight tensing of his shoulder.

“Yeah, I don’t think so, he can’t just come here and take my stuff,” he declared, standing up. When Loki had looked up, hopeful, he had sent him another glare. “I am still very mad at you and you have a lot to answer for.”

Loki actually pouted, which sort of threw the Captain for a second. Then something crashed against the hood of the helicopter, right before a man in clothes not dissimilar from Loki’s and with a huge hammer opened the door from the outside and stepped inside.

Before the Captain or the blond man could even try to move, Stark was standing between him and Loki, and the glare he had been throwing Loki so far paled in confront of what he was offering the blond. Honestly, Steve was surprised he hadn’t keeled over yet.

“Thor Odinson, back the fuck up from the prisoner or else.”

The man - Thor? - looked startled at having been recognised, before he scoffed. “These are matters that do not concern you, metal man.”

“Do not concern- you are standing on our airplane with electricity sparking all over you and a huge fucking hammer that was all the buzz in New Mexico and could, theoretically send this whole convoy splat on the ground, threatening to take our prisoner and somehow these matter do not concern me ?” Thor’s expression turned mulish, while Loki seemed very much amused by the turn of events. “Jane said you were a bit of a hot head but she never mentioned you being a giant back of dicks.”

The mulish expression vanished from his face. “Jane? Is she here?” he asked, looking around as if expecting the woman to appear out of nowhere. He suddenly looked like a golden retriever.

“No she is not, and you either sit down and stop trying to steal my ex boyfriend or I’ll have words with her about how much better off she’d be without you. Darcy would probably even help me.”

Thor was sitting down in a moment, expression incredibly eager. He frowned. Then he blinked, looking up at the still unappeased Tony. “You are Prince Anthony, then?”

Steve almost choked on his tongue. Howard was a prince? He knew him and his family became rich, he had read Tony Stark’s file, but there was nothing on him being royalty -

The human startled at the title, then whipped his head towards Loki.

Loki, whose cheeks were burning red and was resolutely looking at the ceiling.

“Prince... Anthony?” he repeated, voice no longer loud and angry.

Loki shrugged, still looking embarrassed. “You have the riches and the respect of the land. You throw parties and feasts, people celebrate you, and you had a detail of security not unlike my f- Odin’s Einherjar. You are this realm’s prince.” He looked up at Tony from under his lashes. “I’ve always called you that, remember, minn konungsson ?”

“You…” he started, voice wobbling. Steve looked up, worried and found the man’s face scrunching up, fat tears rolling down his face. “How can you do this to me, Lokes? You left me all alone, no explanation, no nothing. I searched for you everywhere and I couldn’t find you -”

Loki looked both gutted and horrified, his eyes seeming to fight between pale blue and green. “My dear Anthony-”

“Liar! If I was dear to you, you wouldn’t have left! You would have come back earlier! Instead now you have these stupid ideas of coming here and taking over the whole world and killing everyone, even me!” he was wailing now, and Steve hid a grimace even as his heart filled with pity. 

Coulson and Thor’s expression was not too dissimilar from his own, except that the alien was looking at his brother in disappointment, and Coulson seemed to be regretting bringing an emotionally compromised civilian with them.

“I would have never-” tried Loki, and Tony’s cries grew in sound.

“You called us all ants and you said you were the boot coming to stomp on us! You hate me, you never cared for me at all,” he shook his head breathing hard, “You big liar, it hurts so bad. How could you do this when I was ready - but you never cared, did you?”

“I did, Anthony, I swear,” repeated Loki, anguish on his face as he tried to reach towards the man. 

“It’s because I’m old and ugly now, isn’t it! You think I’m no longer pretty so now you hate me and want me dead!”

“Anthony, I swear to you-”

“No! You hurt me and you keep hurting me and you don’t care! You don’t care at all!” he whined, putting his face between his hands and sobbing.

Steve made to come closer to comfort him, but Agent Romanoff grabbed his hand before he could move. Her expression was completely closed off, but she shook her head sharply at him.

The soldier wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, but he knew better than to disagree with a woman in position of power.

“Would you… Would you like to punch me?” asked Loki, clearly struggling with coming up with anything to calm Tony down. “It maybe won’t make you feel any better, but it would hurt me if you punched me and-”

Before he could even finish the sentence, Iron Man’s fist was swinging towards his face. One hit and the ‘god’ was fully passed out, much to Steve and Thor’s obvious shock.

Instead of looking guilty or sad at his own action, Tony turned to Natasha, face surprisingly calm considering his earlier tears. “Do you have a tissue?”

The red head smirked, throwing a packet at him. “Had it ready since you started your hysterics.”

Steve felt out of the loop as Tony rolled his eyes and wiped away the tears. Still his ma had taught him manners, so, “Are you feeling better, Stark?”

The brown haired man gave him a look, like he thought Steve was stupid. “Of course I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were faking ?” connected Coulson and when he nodded with an ‘obviously?’ expression, even Thor looked perturbed.

“Then why did you punch my brother?”

Tony glared at him. “Because there is clearly something wrong with him. Did you notice his eyes?”

Thor just blinked at him. “I wasn’t really looking.”

“Do I have to do everything here? Seriously, my opinion of you is going down by the second, Thor. What does Jane see in you?” he ignored the kicked puppy look and rolled his eyes. “Loki’s eyes were blue. Not blue like Selvig and Barton but a pale blue just like the scepter. Which is not Loki’s natural eye colour. His eyes are green.”

Coulson frowned. “They are?”

“Yeah, I spent a lot of days getting fucked by him and seeing the way his eyes glimmered when he came,” he made a thoughtful noise, unaware or uncaring of the disgust on Coulson, Rogers and Thor’s faces. “I wrote ballads about them.”

Natasha let out a huff of laughter. “Back to the point?”

“Right, I was watching the video of when he showed up and he was looking all shaky and pained and haunted. And the way he was talking? That’s not my Loki. He’s a pompous, arrogant diva but he’s not a dictator.” Even Thor gave a slow a nod at that. “And the fact that his eyes are the same colour as that godawful magical girl transformation stick, and just a hue lighter than Selvig and Agent Barton? Either the sceptre’s controlling him or someone is seeing through Loki and controlling him. So I had to knock him out in case whoever it was could hear through him.”

They all stayed quiet for a few moments, digesting Tony’s theory.

“It seems… far fetched,” tried Steve, looking around for support.

Thor shook his head. “My brother… he’s had a rough year, we believed him dead. But he has never been one to callously kill people for the throne. The only time he did anything of the like was to imitate me and prove something to father.”

Everyone quietened down at that, until Coulson spoke again.

“We’re almost at the Helicarrier. We’ll finish speaking there.”

+++

Nick Fury had wanted to go speak/threaten their prisoner the moment he was brought in. After what he had seen with the explosion from the Tesseract, the man was very strong and durable, especially with the sceptre he was so fond of carrying around.

So yeah, he had sent Coulson, Romanoff and Captain Rogers believing fully in their capabilities, but still expecting them to return in a rough state.

He did not expect to see the alien called Thor carrying his unconscious younger brother while the rest of his Avengers line up settled in the main room with Coulson, barely a scratch on their bodies.

“What the hell happened to him?” he questioned Coulson, more than a little confused as he watched Stark immediately walking up to Dr Banner while Rogers and Thor made small talk. Romanoff was standing by Coulson.

Coulson snorted. “Hell hath no fury like a scorned lover,” he quoted, then pointed out Stark. “Apparently, they used to date.”

Fury glared. “Stark! You used to date the Asgardian?”

The brunet had the audacity of looking annoyed at his interruption, while Banner was staring at him in something between amusement, shock and apprehension. “Well, depends what do you define as dating.”

“You’ve slept with him?”

“Why are you jealous, Nicky?” asked the impudent man, and Rogers stared at him appalled. When Fury didn’t raise to the bait, the brunet huffed. “I’ve slept with a lot of people. The ‘playboy’ in ‘genius, bilionaire, playboy, philanthropist’ is not silent. I actually almost slept with the Hulk, you know?”

Romanoff, Hill, Coulson and the Captain looked at him in horror, while Banner groaned. “You didn’t almost sleep with the Hulk!”

“I gave him food, and he even said thank you! That was a date, and you’re just jealous the big guy almost got a piece of this before you did,” answered Tony, sticking his tongue out.

Fury sighed, rubbing circles in his forehead. If he had hair, it would be white just because of this boy. Why Maria thought it’d be a good idea for Fury to keep an eye on her son was beyond him, but it was a very cruel and unusual punishment.

“If I may,” interrupted Thor, bringing the conversation back, “my brother is quite fond of Anthony. He spoke about him several times before… before, and it is most rare that my brother finds anyone of particular interest. At least for him, you were dating.”

Tony gave him a dirty look. “Yeah, but usually when one counterpart leaves the other behind without telling them how long they will be gone, for whatever reason, and leaves the other part crying themselves to sleep while they look at the stars, it means they're broken up.” A pause. “Completely unrelated, I had no idea Loki was from space so I wouldn’t look up at the stars for him.”

Thor looked down, chagrined. Fury wasn’t sure if Tony hated him or was simply giving him shit. He - now - knew though that the younger man had at least been sleeping with Loki and had not too long ago become friends with Jane Foster. Even if he hadn’t concluded that Jane’s Thor and Loki’s Thor were the same before, he now had, and the dislike for Loki's Thor and general ‘I am not impressed by you’ for Jane's Thor was probably being added up.

“He’s waking up,” called Rogers, and they all looked down at the hologram in the middle of the table. Loki was standing up, slowly, a hand massaging his jaw. He paused and looked directly at the hidden camera in one corner of the cage and waved at it.

Fury made to stand up and head down to see what he could extract from the man, but Tony was already on his feet. “Very well. I’m going to get some information out of him.”

“Stark, you’re a consultant here. And your past relations means you’re compromised,” tried Coulson, coming to stand between him and the door.

“Which means he is also compromised. I know how to get information out of him,” he said, trying to side step the agent. Coulson moved with him, and Tony scowled. “Agent, let me go.”

“Prin- Stark,” said Thor, looking a little uncomfortable. “I understand you managed to outsmart my brother, earlier, but he is most capable with his tongue.”

Tony looked at him slightly perturbed. “ I know that, how would you know that?”

Banner groaned, Romanoff and Hill couldn’t hide twin smirks, Coulson looked exasperated and Thor and Rogers just kept staring at him in confusion.

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” ordered Fury, almost amused when Rogers and Thor did not look any less confused. “What is this about outsmarting him earlier?”

This time Natasha spoke. “Tony pretended to cry about being left behind and lied by Loki and then knocked him out with a punch. I was actually impressed by how well he can act.”

The man beamed. “Oh my god, the triple imposter approves of me! Okay, you’ve upgraded from Natashalie to Rushmanova now. Keep it up and you’ll be Natasha by the end of the day.” The red head rolled her eyes, while Tony turned his attention back on Fury. “Just let me go and do me; if it doesn’t work, then you can go in and start your web of lies, spy of spies.”

Fury was man enough to recognise when a fight wasn’t worth entertaining. “Fine. Go.”

“Thank you, Uncle Nicky!”

He mostly ignored Hill and Coulson’s amused expressions, settling at the table and watching the hologram of the room where Loki’s cage was.

It didn’t take long before they saw Loki straightening up and looking out of his cage with narrowed eyes. When Tony finally walked into the room, Loki immediately relaxed, letting out a breathy “Anthony,” like he was saying a prayer.

Tony didn’t move for a second, standing next to the control panel and just staring inside the room at Loki.

The Asgardian shuffled nervously, starting to tense up again. “Are you still angry, minn dyrr?”

Instead of answering, Tony opened the cage and quickly walked inside it.

“What is he doing!” nearly shouted Fury, glaring at the hologram and then staring in confusion as Tony all but pushed Loki against the glass and kissed him. His eye twitched. “Is my only eye broken or is he making out with the genocidal god?”

“This is inappropriate!” let out Rogers, looking at the screen scandalised. Whether it was the two men kissing or the two men kissing that was the problem, Nick wasn’t sure. Thor also looked very disgusted at watching his little brother be defiled, Bruce completely averted his gaze. 

Only Hill and Coulson didn’t overtly react. Natasha instead smirked and Fury rounded on her. “Is something funny, Romanoff?”

She nodded. “He would make a fine Black Widow. He has the art of manipulation of men down to a t.”

Fury frowned at the screen, managing to make out the words, “It’s okay, you can tell me, Lokes,” among various breathy moans. Oh, so that ’s what he was doing.

“I think we can trust him with this bit,” he decided and Thor, Banner and Rogers all quickly walked away from the screen, Romanoff pouting exaggeratedly as she turned it off.

Stark reappeared about half an hour later, whistling. He sent a wink at Banner, who promptly turned red, and settled next to Romanoff (Thor gave him a pained glare, while Rogers had turned red the moment Stark walked in but refused to make eye contact with the man).

“So. Lokes been sent on Earth by a guy who calls himself Thanos the Mad Titan, which, opinion, is a stupid fucking name. He is looking for the Tesseract because apparently it's something called the space stone and he like, really wants it. The guy brainwashed him into agreeing to take over Earth and the stone, but Loki Doki was still fighting it so a guy called the Other managed to create almost a mind controlling link between the two of them - hence the blue eyes. When I punched him, I got that piece of shit out; evidence, Loki’s pretty pretty emeralds.

“Punch Barton and Selvig and they’ll also be freed by the scepter’s control." Romanoff let out a single breath, and Stark patted her arm. "He has a bad feeling about the sceptre but only his mom can really tell what’s inside so he recommends giving it to her. 

“Speaking of bad feelings, Barton is en route here with a bunch of anti SHIELD mercenaries and the plan was for him to destroy one of the turbines and unleash the Hulk to cause more damage and disperse the team so that we come back together stronger and stop the invasion, because my boo is smart and has been trying to thwart the whole thing without letting the Other know.

“Right now Selvig is on top of my tower using the Arc Reactor to power up his portal. If he manages it before we get there, the Chitauri - one Thanos’ armies - are hive monster creatures; we bomb the fuck out of the mothership and they’ll all fall. The machine can be powered down using the sceptre.

“Any questions?”

They all stared at him, stunned at the amount of information he had been able to get from the green eyed man.

Fury was the first to recover. “And you’re certain of this?”

Stark snorted. “It’s hard to lie to the man with a hand on your dick,” he told them, and Rogers blushed even more. “Also, he doesn’t get immunity from the All-Daddy unless his information is correct.”

“You don’t have permission to give him that!” growled Fury.

The man did not seem the slightest perturbed. “Are you planning on getting Barton charged?” he questioned, and Fury saw Natasha tensing next to him. Coulson watched him too.

“No.” He gritted out. He really didn’t, for a number of reasons. But if their situations were that similar, then if he pushed too hard on Loki, Barton would go down too. Stark had no loyalty to the archer, didn’t even know him. And right now his face told Fury that if he tried to push him on the Loki issue, Stark would see him in court. “Fine. That’s between you and Loki’s father.”

Stark’s smile was all teeth.

“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but we have been saved by the power of Tony Stark’s dick,” said Fury, standing in the penthouse of Stark Tower with the rest of the Avengers and Loki.

They had gotten to New York just as the first horde descended upon them, and it had taken a while to get nukes to destroy the battleship. Loki had joined them in killing the Chitauri, as well as the Hulk

Now they were all drinking from Stark’s stash; even the Hulk because apparently Stark wasn’t lying about their 'date' since not only the monster saved him as he was falling down from the wormhole, he also considered his ‘tinman’ his friend.

Tony raised a brow amused. “Is that an invitation for me to sleep with more people?” he questioned, then wincing when Loki pulled him from where he was sitting on the couch to his lap. “Oh don’t start getting jealous now. I’m still a little bit mad at you.”

Clint seemed still quite tempted to put a bullet through Loki’s head, but he snorted. “Is there any other dangerous guy you’ve banged that you can get to calm down?”

“Well, there were a bunch of spies at various point in my life, this assassin with metal fingers, a girl that I’m now realising might have been an alien too, scratch that, two possibly alien girls, the Hulk as soon as Banner consents,” he started, beaming when Hulk patted his head like he was some sort of kitten. 

Steve just shook his head half in culture shock and half in amusement. He wondered, idly, as they finished their drink, if metal fingers was a saying like the tongue comment from earlier that Natasha had insisted on explaining him. Or maybe he was talking about his own armour.

"To my dick!" then said Stark and everyone looked exasperated even as they raised their glasses and bottles.

"To Stark's dick!" they chorused.

Sigh. He missed Bucky. Him and Tony would have gotten along really well.

“How did you managed to convince Father?” then asked Thor, looking at him intrigued. The King of Asgard had sent them one of his Ravens a while after their fight against the Chitauri, with a message that Loki was free and that he would not be prosecuted for anything in Asgard.

Tony smirked, then stared at Thor deeply in the eyes. For a second everyone watched them curiously, and then Thor screamed like a little girl, covering his eyes.

“Oh Norms, please stop praying, I did not have to see that!”

Loki looked horrified. "Did you... pray to my- the All Father while-"

"Yup," said Tony, grinning.

"Oh Norms."

At everyone's confusion at Thor and Loki's look of growing horror, Tony looked even more amused. "You see, when you pray to Loki, Thor or any of them Asgard people, they hear you in their heads. So I sort of prayed to Odin while I was playing with Loki."

A beat. 

"EWWWWW!"