hell hath no fury like a scorned ex boyfriend

When Tony woke up that morning, Loki was already awake and sitting in the living room, the television on and a stack of pancakes in front of him. The mage immediately brightened up when he saw him walk inside the living room, his hair all kind of messed up and the disgruntled expression he had taken to show whenever coffee wasn’t handed to him quickly enough for his tastes in place. “Good morning, min dyrr.”

“Hm,” answered the genius, not stopping once in his direct path towards the coffee machine.

The pancakes were trying to siren him away from said beverage, but Tony was way too loyal to his one true love to cheat. 

Having Loki around had been really good, in Tony’s most humble opinion.

After the whole ordeal with the botched invasion, he had managed to get him fully acquitted of all charges against him. Fury had tried to make some noises about “he killed 80 people in two days”, but Tony had quickly pointed out that all Loki did was come through a portal, incapacitate some people and ruin another man’s eye. The destruction at the SHIELD base was because SHIELD was playing with the tesseract, that was not Loki’s fault.

He had still had to make amends for a lot of things, but he got to do it from the safety of Tony’s towers. And now Tony got to wake up every morning to delicacies cooked by a repentful god and got mind blowing sex every time.

It was a sacrifice he was willing to make for the world.

“Come,” said Loki, and Tony looked up from his second mug of coffee to see him still focused on the television. “This is the funniest movie I’ve ever seen, you’ll love it.”

Tony wasn’t quite so sure. So far, Loki had a propensity for watching very dramatic soap operas and equally dramatic historical fiction and neither was something Tony was particularly interested in.

He was, however, interested in Loki’s pancakes, so he grabbed a third mug of scalding bitter ambrosia and plopped himself on the couch, immediately cuddling an entirely too amused Loki. “Morning, my love.”

“Morning,” managed Tony this time, pressing a kiss on his cheek and then turning to the television as he took a sip of his drink.

To immediately spit it right out when he saw the movie Loki was talking about. 

Loki looked disgusted at his side, but Tony didn’t have time for that because, “Holy shit is that Steve?!”

“Yes. Or well, an actor playing him. Isn’t that what a movie is?” questioned the other, both irritated and confused.

Tony slapped his arm. “Loki this is not a movie, this is an active police chase!”

Because there he was clear as day: Steve Rogers running away in a car while countless of agents and police officers chased after him, siren blaring and lights shining. “Why is the police after Captain America?!”

“Perhaps it has something to do with the Director of SHIELD being announced dead yesterday,” posed Loki and Tony took another sip of his drink just so he could spit it out once more.

“WHAT?! Fury is dead?”

He was pushed away from Loki, this time. The mage’s nose was wrinkled in disgust, but he still explained. “No. I said he was announced dead last night, so I immediately teleported myself over there to see for myself. And I found out he is faking his death for some reason.”

Tony’s left eye was twitching. “And why the fuck did you not tell me?!”

“You were in your workshop!” protested the other man. “You said never to bother you if you’re in your workshop! And Fury’s name is the most sure free way of getting you bothered!”

Which... yeah, he had to concede a point.

Still, “I can’t believe people are gunning for Cap’s head over this,” he said, turning his attention on the television. Cap was no longer in the car, and was now fighting someone on the street that had Tony’s left eye twitching again.

Because he was feeling a very strong sense of deja vu, as he watched the scene in front of him.

“What the absolute fuck is Winter doing?!”

Steve was in the middle of fighting for his life when his phone started ringing. He let out a groan as he spun out of the way of another gun being shot at him, begging that if there was a God in the sky above, He would grant him mercy.

Because he was, unfortunately, very familiar with that particular ringtone. It was the ringtone that could quite possibly keep ringing uninterrupted for over an hour, or until the man on the other side of the line grew bored of waiting and turned off the call.

Considering Steve could see a bunch of news reporters in the sky filming the confrontation, he had the feeling the call would not stop anytime soon.

He threw his shield at the military trained assassin with the metal arm and pulled the phone out of his pocket. “Tony-”

“Steve!” shouted the other man, loud enough to make him still for a second like a naughty child caught doing something wrong. He nearly got tackled to the ground for that, and narrowly missed a metal punch in his chest. “Steve, you have to listen to me!”

“I am kind of in the middle of something!” he shouted back, trying to fight one armed. This seemed to be making metal arm even more mad at him. “Tony, please can you-”

“Pass him the phone!”

Pause.

“What?”

“I know him!” screamed Tony. “Just give him the phone!”

Part of Steve wanted to just cut off that conversation and deal with the assassin. On the other side, he remembered what had happened with Loki more than a year ago. And if there was any chance they could have a repeat...

“He wants to talk to you!” he shouted at Metal Arm, throwing the phone at the other.

For a second he was convinced the soldier would crush the phone in his bare hands, but instead he frowned at Steve. Stopped attacking him for a second, before putting the phone on his ear. “Алло?”

Steve was far from the soldier but not so far that he didn’t hear how loud and high Tony’s voice was over the phone or the way the soldier cringed away, his expression turning a little sheepish. “K-kotenok, hello-”

If anything, Tony’s voice got even louder and both soldiers winced. Sam came to stand next to him in confusion and Natasha had appeared from her hiding place and was watching incredulous as the fearsome cold blooded killer she had described not too long ago started to look more and more like a scolded child.

A few “Yes, I have tried to find-”, “No, I shouldn’t have-”, “But then they-”, “Yes, milaya-”, “Yes, dear,”, “You’re right, dear,” and “As you wish, dear,” later, he handed Steve his phone back. He was still looking at them with a little bit of murder in his eyes but sighed. “My kotenok says we are to return to the tower this very instant and he will deal with everything later and a Quinjet is close by. ETA 3 minutes.”

Natasha gaped at him, while Steve shook his head. “No, Fury died because -”

He couldn’t see half of his face, but he could picture a small cross scowl from the long haired man. “No, he says Fury faked his death.”

The red head stopped gaping and started scowling. “I cannot believe I wasted my tears on him.”

“I cannot believe I wasted my bullets on him.” Grumbled the enhanced soldier, just as the Quinjet landed beside them.

“And I don’t know what the hell is going on here,” complained Sam, but again no one replied to him.

+++

They arrived at Stark Tower in record time, which, considering it was Tony’s craft, they should not have been surprised. No other jets managed to keep up with them, mysteriously giving up whenever they got close and then flying the complete opposite direction from them. Steve was willing to bet JARVIS and Tony were hacking them or something.

When they landed on the top of the Tower, Tony was already standing there, still in his sleepwear and with his hands on his waist. Loki was standing beside him, his own arms crossed around his chest and a full grown pout on his own lips.

Despite having kept still and utterly silent the entire time they were on the Quinjet, the soldier visibly swallowed the second they took a step out of it, his eyes falling on Tony’s figure in an instant.

Tony was not armed. His suit was not anywhere near him. He was wearing fuzzy socks and no shoes. 

And yet the second they stepped out, the soldier put both arms in the air. “Before you say anything-”

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!”

The soldier winced. “I can explain,” he protested, arms still in the air.

“Explain!” snapped Tony finally approaching him and stopping in front of him. It was a little funny, in Steve’s opinion, how much shorter Tony was than the other man and how he still had him cowering before him. “What the fuck?”

“Remember how I told you I had amnesia?” said the soldier, quickly, before Tony could go on his rant. Tony’s eyes narrowed, but he nodded. “Yeah, it’s not amnesia. They wipe my memory, HYDRA does, and that’s why I couldn’t remember. I forget everything every time and I didn’t realise who you were until you started screaming in my ears. I remember very well how you scream.”

Steve looked at him in disgust, Loki with murder in his eyes and Natasha groaned. “Really Stark? Another brainwashed ex?” 

Poor Sam looked like he was drowning in the information they kept throwing at him with absolutely no context.

Tony glared at her. “It’s complicated! I slept with Winter ages ago during a failed assassination attempt,” he said, Sam’s eyes growing even larger than before, “And we slept together a bunch of times after for like a year, but it was like years ago!” Then he frowned. “I told you about him! Metal fingers!” He added, pointing at said fingers. 

“Aw, you talk about me, kotenok?” asked Winter, his voice low and close to purr, putting a finger under Tony’s chin. 

“Not that often, no,” said Loki, stepping forward too and all but snatching the engineer away from him. “And it’s really impolite to maintain that silly muzzle on your face as we speak.”

Winter’s eyes narrowed, even as those fingers went to the back of his head where the cowl was latched. “And who the fuck are you, twink?” he asked, dropping the piece of clothing on the floor.

And then Steve’s knees buckled under his own legs as he saw a very familiar face in front of him.

“Twink? Have care of how you speak!”

“Sure thing, queen Elizabeth -”

“Bucky?!” finally gasped Steve looking at the man in front of him in shock.

His best friend turned away from Loki, frowning slightly at him. “What the fuck is a Bucky?”

They were all sitting in one of Tony’s common rooms, the tension in the room palpable.

Well, Tony and Natasha were sitting down, a mug of coffee in front of him and both their heads bent over a Stark Pad.

Loki was half sitting on the desk next to Tony, his face completely blank as it observed the Winter Soldier. Every now and then he would pick up a cookie from Tony’s plate and eat it slowly, still never looking away from the man with the metal arm.

Said assassin was standing directly behind Tony, his back to the wall and his cowl finally off. His eyes were on Tony’s figure but they darted around every time someone as much as shifted on their feet.

Steve was watching his best friend miserably from where he stood close to the door, his expression the definition of a kicked puppy. Every now and then he would shoot a glare at Tony or Loki, but immediately after turned his eyes back on Bucky.

“So...” said Sam Wilson, cringing when all five pair of eyes snapped towards him. “What’s happening now?”

Tony took a sip of his coffee before answering. “Well, I just finished hacking into my helicarriers so they can’t fly off. Now me and our friendly neighbourhood widow are finishing an algorithm to find every HYDRA agent from the SHIELDRA files, and then we’ll send the names to vetted heads of various agencies so that they can double check them against their own agents and start making arrests.”

That wasn’t what Sam meant, but Steve frowned. “Won’t that take too long?”

Tony squinted at him. “I’m a tech genius but I can’t make miracles happen. What did you expect me to do? Something idiotic like dump every agents file on the web and burn them all?”

Steve did not reply, though his expression said plenty.

The brunet’s glare intensified. “Maybe if you had decided to come and talk to me from the beginning, I could have gotten started on it even earlier. Seriously: one phone call was all you needed.”

Sam cleared his throat again at the new tension. “Anyway, so... Winter.”

“His name is Bucky!” complained Steve, earning a glare from the soldier.

“My name is Winter. There is a James in there,” and here he tapped against his forehead, “but there is no fucking Bucky Barnes. That was just a stupid nickname James had.”

“It wasn’t stupid,” said the blond, full puppy eyes. “But you could uh... call James?”

Winter’s eyes were colder than the season he identified himself as. “I could,” he agreed with a low hum. Steve’s expression went hopeful and Winter gave him a shark like grin. “But I don’t see why I should. My kotenok doesn’t know him all that well.”

Tony stopped tapping, tilting his head backwards and meeting his eyes. “Huh? I slept with your other personality?”

Loki bit into his cookie harder than before, which seemed to amuse Winter further. “Yes. I am pretty sure he even asked you to call him James. He made you breakfast after.”

“Oh!” said the other man, snapping his fingers. “I thought you were just in a ‘let me pretend to have a Brooklyn accent’ phase and decided to have less kinky and fun sex.”

Winter’s smile grew even larger, before his expression blanked over. Both Sam and Natasha stiffened, but Winter seemed to relax and his eyes became less cold. Steve’s expression went hopeful. “Bucky?”

The other looked at him and gave him a lopsided smirk. “Hey punk,” he said, before quickly moving towards Tony. He turned the man’s chair around, and put one arm at each of his side, leaning in close to him. “Less kinky and fun?”

Tony appraised him critically. “James, I presume?”

“Bucky!”

“The accent didn’ta give it away?” drawled the man, very much amused.

Tony crossed his arms around his chest. “What do you want me to say? Winter is a fuck machine. He has this sort of raw animal energy about him-” Loki made a noise beside him, which Tony ignored. “That you frankly don’t.” He patted his cheek. “It’s okay, though. You made me breakfast and were super sweet about it.”

James frowned, a little flush appearing on his face. “I was being considerate.”

“Or you just don’t have it in you,” said the other, shrugging. “You for taking people on sweet little dates and Winter to wreck their world.”

“I was a sniper,” complained James, voice a little away from a whine. “I am deadly and I can be as dangerous and as dark as Winter. I know how to kill.”

“Ah, yes, but Winter has perfectioned the art of the la petite mort.”

Natasha looked at him sharply, an edge of amusement on her face as James finally leant away from Tony, full on pouting.

Loki pushed Tony towards him with his foot, eyeing the younger man with suspicion. “What about me?”

Tony’s gave him a serene smile. “You are good too,” he said, trying to turn around once more.

The mage didn’t allow him, an offended expression on his face. “Good?!”

“Yup,” he said, popping the p. “But it’s okay! I adore you even if your game isn’t as strong as Winter’s.”

Loki offense grew. “I am your boyfriend! I always leave you panting and begging!”

Steve blushed, a grimace on his face.

“Ah, yes, but Winter is like the best lover I’ve ever had,” said Tony, masterfully ignoring the twitches in both James and Loki. “Hell, I am pretty sure even the two of you combined could not achieve what Winter alone could do.”

It took everything in Natasha not to laugh at the way Loki and James immediately sized each other up at those words, expressions immediately considering.

“He-”

“I can keep him away as long as we need,” said James, nodding slowly. “Pick him up, pretty boy.”

“Don’t call me pretty boy,” ordered Loki, even as he easily picked up a confused Tony from the chair he was sitting in. “Can JARVIS and the Widow finish what you were working on?”

Tony blinked at him in confusion. “Uh... sure?”

“Good,” said the dark haired man pressing a kiss on Tony’s forehead. “Me and James have decided to take what you said as a challenge.”

Tony’s lips parted in surprise, even as his eyes twinkled slightly. “Oh?”

“Bucky?” called Steve, tying to walk after them.

“Not now, punk,” said James, opening the door for Loki and Tony. “Got a sweet thing to fuck into tomorrow.”

Natasha just shook her head as Steve smacked his head to get rid of the mental images. “Stark is really a manipulative little shit. I need to make him a black widow as soon as possible, he’s the ultimate male honeypot.”

A few hours later, Tony, Loki and James walked into the common room where everyone else was sitting. Steve glared at Loki and Tony as they approached, but they were all looking too self satisfied for it to work in any way.

Natasha looked up from where she had finished talking to Hill, a raised eyebrow. “So?”

“My throat is sore as fuck, and if I think I’ll feel this for the next week,” said Tony, eyes gleaming. 

James raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you thought we were done? This is just a snack break.” He told him, smacking his ass.

Steve cried.

Tony just grinned. “So. Fucking. Worth it.”