Liability

Steve was in love with Bucky and Tony. Bucky was in love with Tony. Tony was in love with Bucky, he repeated in his head like a mantra. Steve had Bucky and Tony’s soulmarks, but it didn’t matter because they didn’t love him. At least not like that. There was no place for him in this oiled machine. There was no place for a fucked-up person like him. He was too blunt, stupid and naïve. He didn’t care about decorum and would pick a fight regardless of sex and gender. He was too big for life, he thought bitterly.

He looked around and tried to stay as calm as possible. Both men were sitting in front of him and yet too far.

Fury’s voice lulled Steve. He was giving some criticism on their teamwork. If the others seemed concentrated on whatever he was saying, for once Steve was not. His eyes unconsciously strayed back to Bucky and Tony. This time only, they were both looking at him. No. Staring at him, eyebrows furrowed.

Steve raised an eyebrow, looking calm, although, inside everything was on high alert. All of his senses were focus on the two men. He could smell and see more accurately, and he could feel all the little threads composing his clothing under his callous hands. Although, his heart may give him away. It sounded to loud even for him. His tympans were throbbing the faster it beat. Steve was sure Bucky was able to hear it.

After what it seemed to be an eternity, Tony shook his head and nudged Bucky to look away.

Steve’s heart slowed down. But his hands kept trembling during the rest of the meeting.

Once they were back at the Tower, Steve didn’t stop to the communal like the other and went back to his room. The elevator ride, with only Bucky, felt weird. They both talked like before but now things were awkward. Even Bucky’s laugh felt fake. Steve had tried to talk to him and ask him if anything was wrong but when he’d met Bucky’s eyes…his heart ached. Steve didn’t want to know why they were so cold with him. He didn’t want their friendship to end. Not because of his love.

He had tried to keep it on the low. When he looked at them, he’d count a few reglementary seconds, before turning his gaze away. If he stayed too long, it’d be considered staring and too few, suspicious. Steve made sure to never touch Bucky nor Tony too long. He’d always catch himself when hugging one of them and would do a gentle pat at the end.

So how? How could have they discover his feelings? And if it was the case, why were there acting as if Steve was…disgusting? No, too strong. Guilty? Yes. As if Steve had a choice and he choose them…

He blinked away his tears, raised a hand to give a friendly squeeze on Bucky’s shoulder. His bestfriend flinched away and Steve’s hand fell down by his side.

Bucky looked away.

“See you later, Buck,” Steve whispered while getting out of the elevator. Their soulmarks, in the center of his back burned through his entire upper body. As the doors closed, Steve walked to the balcony and looked at the full moon. He lowered himself and laid on the floor, eyes staring in the dark sky.

“Tell me ma’, what happened after I meet my soulmate,” a tiny sickly boy asked, his voice still hoarse after a fit of coughing.

“You’d live happy ever after, Stevie,” his mom, chuckled and bumped his nose.

The boy kept his eyes on the drawing he was making for his ma’.

“Tell me ma’…” his voice now a whisper. His mom had to lean to hear him properly. “What happens if they don’t love me?”

His mom forced a smile on her lips and kissed the crown of his head. Anguish pierced her heart as the thought grew in his mind. She couldn’t bear thinking about that right now. Stevie was so sick she wasn’t even sure he’d survive and be blessed or cursed to live another year. So, no…she wouldn’t think about that. That’d be a cruel joke…to let him survive all of these years, only to…she choked up and closed her teary eyes. 

“They’ll love you, Stevie. You are such a good boy. How could anyone not love you?”

Steve stayed on the floor long enough for the moon to disappear and the sun to rise slowly.

“They don’t love me, ma’. Why…” He coiled up on the cold floor and hugged his knees. He cried for his mom. He mourned her like he just learned her death. As his thoughts qpiraled out of control, Steve started regretting everything he’d done since her death. He regretted being so stupid and trying to enroll. He regretted not trying harder to find a desk job and help Bucky. He regretted never telling him that he was his soulmate...but his worst regret was the train. Steve wished he'd been faster and grabbed his shield to deflect the hit, and maybe, just maybe, Bucky wouldn't have suffered all these years.

“I should have died.” The words muttered resonated in the room and calmed him as soon as he pronounced them. His mind and heart which had raged a few seconds before were now strangely calm. “It was a punishment from God. I shouldn’t have played with fate. I should have stayed sickly and died after ma’. That was my fate.”

Steve nodded, now firmly certain that it was this fault. He should have never gone to Erskine and accept. He should have never tried to play God and now he was alone, lonely for almost an eternity. Bound to witness his lovers’ death.

A bitter laugh escaped his mouth. His laugh turned into screams. Heart wrenching screams that rattled his chest.

Tears ran down his cheeks, but he didn’t care.

I should have died. I should have died. I should have died. I have to die.

Yes, he had yet to die. He had cheated Death for all of these years and now he had to pay.

He pressed a hand on his holster. Inhale. Exhale. The familiar weight grounded him.

“Captain Rogers? Boss wants to talk to you.”

Steve slowly stood up with a renewed peace. Like a man on a mission…a divine mission. He inhaled and exhaled, feeling freed. For once in his life, there was no burden. He cracked his neck and joints, groaning as the tightness in his muscles.

“Tell him I’m coming in 20 minutes.”

“Boss was rather –”

“Tell him I’m coming in 20 minutes, please.” He repeated firmly. Friday didn’t reply. If what his guts were telling him was true, he’d like to be prepared for what’d happened.

Steve looked around as he went to the bathroom, memorizing each little detail as he went by. Once his clothes discarded, he walked under the hot, burning water and let it purify him from his love.

The elevator ride went faster than usual. He didn’t know what Tony had to tell him, in the wee hours of the day but it seemed more than urgent. There was a small flame of hope shining in his dark mind. Maybe, just maybe they weren’t about to tear him apart and left him to die. A humorless smile spread on his lips. He bit them to refrain from laughing at his own stupidity.

The doors opened silently. Steve walked still deadly calm. He looked around and found Tony…and Bucky, both staring at him from across the central table. Bucky had one arm around Tony waist, fingers drumming on his ACDC t-shirts.

“Hey,” Steve started, eyes going from Bucky to Tony.

The couple exchanged a look. Steve, who should have felt left out, only tilted his head and played with the small razor blade he found in his bathroom. The sharpness of the blade sent a chill down his spine. He smiled softly, his hair hiding the amusement in his eyes.

I could end it here, he thought dreamy. And none of them would be able to save me.

“Steve, we need to talk,” Tony started. “It’s nothing against you but we’ve noticed how you looked at us.”

Steve raised his head.

“Oh,” he simply said. His forefinger swiped along the edge of the blade, blood poured slowly, surprising him. Before he could analyze his feelings, the wound was already healed. He tried again. This time after Bucky spoke. Steve resisted the urge to do it right away. There was something freeing in feeling his blood pour. This time it was of his consent. No one had beat or tortured him.

It was he who decided if he wanted to spill some blood.

“Yeah, we love you. We really do and in other circumstances we’d jump on the occasion and date you…” Steve tensed at the upcoming ‘but’. “But we are not your soulmates.” Steve’s body trembled under his sardonic laugh, which was mistaken for sobs.

“Steve? I know it’s hard, and you may resent us, but it’s for the best.” Tony butted in. “Once you’ll find your soulmate, you’ll forget about us and any feelings you had for us would seem pale compared to what you feel for your soulmate.”

“So, how can you love me if you have you’re each other soulmate?”

Bucky and Tony glanced at each other and seemed to hold a silent conversation. Steve’s jeans pocket was now drenched in blood. He hadn’t stopped swiping and swiping again and again his finger which was taking longer to heal.

“We love you for sure, but not like we love each other.”

Tony nodded at Bucky’s explanation and added some more. “If we were to get together right now there’d be a primary relationship between Bucky and I, and a secondary with you. It wouldn’t be fair to you –.”

“Because we know you punk,” Bucky interrupted after sending sad look toward Tony. “We know that if you date us and you happen to find your soulmates, you’d choose to stay with us and deny yourself the chance to find someone who’ll complete you totally.”

“Someone who’ll truly love you, because like I said, the love for a soulmate is really more…” Tony trailed off and cupped Bucky’s jaw and pressed their foreheads together.

Steve froze. The words and their implications echoed in his head. He stopped playing with the blade and closed his eyes as the swirl of feelings destroyed everything, every wall he build to protect himself. It reached further and further to the most important and hidden part of him. And as it found his deeper self, it wrapped itself around it and held it tight. Steve let out a chocked noise.

“…you’ll understand when you find your soulmate. And maybe you’ll be able to forgive us.”

The soulmark on his back wasn’t burning anymore. Or Steve was used to the lancinating pain going through each of his nerve, punishing him for having affronted God.

“I understand,” he heard himself say, placid. He raised his head and looked at each of them. “I’m sorry for feeling like that. I should have known,” he chuckled humorlessly. “I will try to keep my distance and…” he waved his hand around, not finishing his sentence. Tony started talking, but Steve was already out.

He came back to his room and straight to his bedroom. He packed everything. Every clothe, picture and object, and left the Tower.

Friday, who was as silent as always, felt the need to protect Captain Rogers. She hacked his phone and every camera in the city to keep an eye on him. As she watched and recorded the man getting away, she couldn’t help but not understand.

From what she gathered soulmates were easily identified by their soulmarks. As she pulled up pictures of Boss, Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers, she failed to understand what truly was the problem.

She hesitated to show what she found to the two men. It was said that soulmates would love each other despite the soulmarks. And if Sergeant Barnes and Boss weren’t already in love with Captain Steve, would showing them his soulmark change anything?

She kept the file preciously and followed Captain Rogers like a guardian angel. What she had recorded the night before and this morning had set her alarms up. She didn’t know what exactly were making her programs go haywire, but she didn’t like it at all.

Steve went to Fury and asked him for one of these ridiculously dangerous missions. The ones that could last a few months and was life threatening. The ones no one really wanted because dying was not on their wishlist.

Fury didn’t make any comment. Not when Steve asked. Not even when he gave back his shield, recommending Sam for the job. Fury merely glanced at the shield, then at Steve, with an unreadable expression. He let out a small breath which coming from him could be interpreted as a loud sigh.

“Thank you for your service, Captain Steven Grant Rogers,” Fury stated formally, back straight as he saluted him.

“Thanks Sir.” Steve bowed slightly before saluting him back.

Getting out of the facility felt like getting out of jail. Steve was free. He looked at the sky and laughed.

Steve sauntered to his car and straight to his next destination. The files Fury gave him were on the passenger seat as he drove away. He didn’t stop until he needed to refill the gas tank.

The sunset behind him set the whole road on fire, in a kaleidoscope of vibrant colors. The purple and orange sky led him to a new adventure.

The final one, he thought finally at peace.

Tony and Bucky (Just after Steve's departure)

Tony dropped his outstretched hand and sagged against Bucky, who tightened his arms around him.

“We fucked up,” Bucky whispered.