Chapter 11
Peter woke up with a start and sat up in bed out of breath, shaky and sweaty. He had a bad dream but it was more like a flashback into his current waking nightmare. He was in the school cafeteria and just had dropped off Flash’s tray to his table and everyone was standing up, laughing and pointing at him. As the dream went on, all the kid’s hands were getting bigger and bigger as they continued to point and laugh at him. Even though he was awake now, he still felt that humiliation burn through his body because he lived it every single day for weeks on end.
He tried to push those thoughts out of his head as he sat there rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and realized he wasn’t in that much pain anymore, just a small dull headache that was tolerable. He looked at the alarm clock and it was 4:05pm. He had no idea when he fell asleep but besides having a bad dream, it felt like he got some decent sleep even though it was drug induced from the pain meds.
Which……just reminded him that he was drugged last night. They fucking drugged him and threw him in the shed like a piece of trash while he was unconscious and bleeding! How long would he have been in there if Ned didn’t find him? He knew those guys were assholes, especially Flash, but he didn’t think he was capable of drugging him and that was after they threw a rock at his head full speed! And his father saw the entire damn thing and now even more shame was coursing through his veins.
He started spiraling fast recalling all the demeaning things that Flash made him do this past month. The worst part out of all of it was that he made him do these things in front of other people. It was like his entire goal was to embarrass and humiliate him. Then he thought, maybe that was his plan all along, well goal accomplished if it was. All the kids laughing at him when he brought Flash his lunch replayed in his head on a loop and that bad dream only intensified his emotions. Kids would even try tripping him as he carried the tray through the cafeteria but thankfully none succeeded thanks to his incredible balance.
The only way to stop himself from having a panic attack every day in school was to skip lunch and go straight to the bathroom where he would take out his trusty razor blade while hiding in a stall. The bathroom he chose was in an area of the school that wasn’t used that often so he knew he wouldn’t get caught or interrupted. He felt as if he didn’t do it, then all these feelings he’s bottled up would make his head explode. It was the only thing he looked forward to these days since he couldn’t do it at home. He knew he shouldn’t be doing it but that made it all the more appealing and with that thought, he knew he was in trouble but just didn’t care.
He couldn’t stop the feelings that were coming on stronger and faster than a freight train so he hugged his knees to his chest and started rocking back and forth taking deep breaths trying to calm down. He felt so ashamed of himself. The word ashamed doesn’t even cut it, he had no words for how mortified he was. He felt it in every fiber in his being just radiating within him.
How could he let Flash do that to him? If he had just told his dad in the beginning like his father said then he wouldn’t have had to go through all that shit. It was his own damn fault for being so stupid. It was his fault for letting it go on for so long and because of him, three classmates were in jail and Flash’s father could end up there too. He ruined their lives and it’s all his fault because he was too stupid and weak to ask for help!
The anxiety buzzing through his body intensified and he couldn’t just sit there anymore so he got out of bed and began frantically pacing and breathing hard. He was walking back and forth across the room and started crying while trying hard not to scream. He didn’t know what to do with all these feelings that were coming on strong, stronger than he’s felt in a very long time.
Well, actually he knew exactly what he needed to do but he couldn’t do it here, could he? If he did, Friday would just rat him out, but by then…it would be too late because the deed would have already done and right now he didn’t care about getting caught. He couldn’t let that thought go because he needed to do something about all these feelings and NOW. He needed to get them out somehow because he felt like a pressure cooker ready to blow up!
He knew his parents cleared anything sharp from his entire room and bathroom but in the back of his mind he knew what he could use in case of emergency and to him at this very moment, it qualified. He was on automatic piolet when he went straight for his desk and opened the drawer. He reached in and grabbed the pencil sharpener. It only took a second for him to snap it open and retract the blade that was inside. It was small but it would do the job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~xXx~~~~~~~~~~~~
Down the hall Tony was sound asleep with Morgan squished in the middle of her parents when a loud alarm went off and startled all of them awake.
“Boss, code red in Peter’s room. I repeat code red in Peter’s room!” Friday announced and the tone of her voice sounded urgent.
Fuck! Code red was the protocol to detect blood. Peter’s hurt, shit shit shit!! Morgan was crying from being woken up by a blaring alarm and both of them tried to calm her down. Thankfully she didn’t know what code red meant.
“Hey sweetie, you stay here with Mommy and I’ll go check on Pete, ok?” She nodded and Pepper started hugging her to try make her stop crying. Pepper gave him a worried look which he reciprocated and he got up to leave the room.
He ran down the hall and opened the door without even knocking. Peter’s back was turned as he was walking away. He was mumbling to himself but couldn’t make out what he was saying.
“Pete?” he said hoping to get an answer but it seemed like he didn’t hear him. When Peter reached the end of the room, he turned around and was walking towards him. Then he saw it and gasped. As he walked closer to him, he could see that his arm was cut up and bloody! Peter had a razor blade in his hand and was about to cut himself again and it didn’t even seem like he was even aware of it or that fact that Tony was in the same room as him. He looked like he was miles away with a haunted look on his face which scared him even more.
He had no idea where he got it from because they did a search of his room and the only ones they found were in his backpack which they confiscated. Tony was terrified. He needed to approach Peter with caution since he had a blade in his hand and he seemed so out of it. He didn’t want him to hurt himself again or even him for that matter so he slowly took a couple steps closer to him with his arms raised in defense.
“Pete?” He called again slowly and still no reaction from his kid. His stomach sank because whatever was happening with Peter it was serious and Tony was scared. Even as he stood right in front of him, he still had that faraway look in his eyes so he called his name louder with more force. “Peter, you with me, kid?” he asked while snapping his fingers in Peter’s face but he didn’t answer and only walked around him.
Shit, he needed to get the razor blade away from him now! He stepped behind him and then grabbed his shoulders to turn him around to physically stop him from walking away and that’s when Peter swiped at his arm two more times again! It happened so fast Tony didn’t have time to react or prevent him from doing it! He felt faint watching his son hurt himself right in front of him and Peter didn’t even flinch when the blade dug into his skin!
“PETER, STOP!!” He yelled and quickly snatched the bloody blade out of his hand and thankfully Peter wasn’t using his superpower or stickiness to hold onto it because he let go easily. Tony put the blade in his back pocket to keep it out of reach. His heart was beating so fast and loud he could hear it in his ears. He knew he was out of his depth but he had to help him somehow.
Tony looked down at Peter’s left arm, which was bleeding heavily. There was so much blood he couldn’t see how many cuts he had. He needed to stop the bleeding so he grabbed the nearest thing he could find to apply pressure which was a t-shirt on the dresser so he ripped it and tied it tight around his arm. Even that didn’t snap Peter out of it.
Peter was just staring back at him but it was like he was seeing right through him. He cupped his face hoping that would help him focus again. “Hey hey hey, Pete, you with me, kid?” he said frantically patting his cheeks. He seemed to be having some sort of episode but didn’t know what it was since it wasn’t technically disassociating. Maybe he was sort of detached because of how vacant his eyes were and how unaware of what he was doing. He’s never seen his son this far gone before and he knew he had to suck up all his fear and growing panic in order to help him.
Peter kept staring at nothing while Tony was patting his face calling his name. It felt like they were standing there forever and finally, finally Peter started blinking a little more while Tony saw him come back into himself a little bit. Maybe he did disassociate? He didn’t know enough about it to know what was going on with him but he was scaring the living shit out of him. He sighed with relief that he was snapping out of whatever this was so he could try to talk to him.
“Pete, can you talk to me please?" he asked softly stroking his cheeks. "Peter?”
That seemed to trigger something in Peter and he went from barely responsive to agitated in a span of two seconds. He started breathing heavy, shaking his head and pulling at his hair while he started pacing again. What Tony didn’t know was that while Peter was detached and self-harming, he was also feeling numb so now all those emotions came rushing back in an instant like they were before he cut himself.
“I, I can’t, I d-don’t, I have to…I need to…” he started screaming and sobbing at the same time.
“Pete? Please tell me what’s going on with you? You’re scaring the shit out of me right now,” he begged. He knew he didn’t want to pile on the guilt but he was literally terrified for his son’s life. He followed him and stopped him from pacing again and grabbed his hands to make him stop pulling at his hair but he yanked his hands back hard. “Peter, stop!”
“I can’t do this, I c-can’t, I have to, I need to…do something! It just keeps coming…I need to…” he cried. He started shaking so hard that Tony saw his knees start to buckle so he rushed him over to the bed to sit down before he collapsed on the floor. Tony glanced at the t-shirt wrapped around his arm that was now soaked with blood and knew he needed to get him help – in more ways than one. He took his arm and pressed down to apply pressure and Peter let him and didn’t pull away. He was hoping he didn’t sever an artery with how much blood there was.
“You need to what, honey? Can’t do what?” he asked softly again. He was trying to keep his voice steady and keep his composure. Panicking right now wouldn’t help either of them and he was trying so hard to take even deep breaths while his head was spinning. He honestly didn’t know what was wrong with him. It was like he having some sort a manic episode and if so, how the hell does he help him?
“I, I can’t d-do this anymore, I need to get it out!” Peter screamed sobbing, barely able to breathe and it was breaking Tony’s heart. Peter was shaking so bad. “I need to g-get it out, I can’t t-take it!”
“Need to get what out?” he asked again, he was at a loss and didn’t understand what Peter meant or needed and it was agonizing.
“E-everything. There’s j-just too m-much. I, I don’t know what t-to do with it, I need to get it out, please let m-me get it out!” he begged but he still wasn’t making any sense. Then he saw Peter look down at his arms and it clicked. Peter was begging him to let him hurt himself again. Tony started crying even though he didn’t want to, not in front of him, but his heart was shattering. His son was in so much pain that he thought the only way out was to hurt himself.
Tony shook his head fiercely. “No, I can’t let you, Pete, you know I can’t. You have to try to be strong and overcome that urge to hurt yourself. It won’t help in the long run. You need to try another way to get those feelings out, ok? Talk me, please.” He begged.
Peter shook his head and cried harder while trying to pry his arm away from Tony’s grip but he wouldn’t let go. “Please, Dad? I don’t know how to handle all this, please, let me. I need to… I can’t deal with all this shit! It just keeps coming! I can’t stop it! Please,” he begged with such desperation in his eyes. Then he said something that terrified him even more and broke his heart further which he didn’t think was possible. “I hate myself so much! I want out!” Peter yelled crying.
Tony was out right sobbing and not trying to hide it. Seeing his kid like this is making him realize just how bad he is and right now he’s thinking he needs to go inpatient again for immediate help. He’s a danger to himself and the kid is going downhill so fast right in front of his very eyes.
He shook his head hard. “No, absolutely not! Jesus, Pete. You know I can’t let you! Don’t try to stop those feelings from coming, that’s what got you here in the first place. Just talk to me to get those feelings out, ok? You don’t need to hurt yourself,” he tried telling him.
“I do, I have to. It’s the only way! You don’t understand!” Peter yelled. He was getting angry again and Tony was afraid he was going to become erratic and uncontrollable. “I can’t take it anymore!” he screamed. “I can’t live with all this humiliation and I’m ashamed of myself every waking second! Everything is my fault! All of it!” he shouted. Peter wasn’t looking at him, only at his bloody t shirt wrapped around his arm.
“Peter, listen to me. I told you this is not your fault, none of it is. You didn’t make Flash blackmail you did you? You didn’t make those guys drug you and hurt you, did you? How could you think any of this is your fault?”
Peter finally looked at him and his brown eyes looked so full of pain. “B-because it is. I’m the common denominator in all this! If it weren’t for me, then Flash wouldn’t have blackmailed me and those other kids wouldn’t have done anything to me and ended up in jail. If I weren’t here…if I didn’t exis—”
Tony gasped and stopped him from finishing that sentence. “Don’t you dare say if you didn’t exist this wouldn’t have happened. Peter, my god!” He had to take a couple deep breaths before he asked this next question because he was afraid he already knew the answer. It scared him more than anything knowing Peter’s past.
“Peter, I’m going to ask you something very important and I need you to be 100% honest with me.” God it was so hard to say out loud but he had to and was trying to find a nicer way to say it rather than the blurt it out. “Have you had…thoughts of not wanting to, um, be here anymore? Have you,” and he had to take another deep breath because the memories of finding him overdosing in that apartment were rushing back. “Have you tried anything…again…besides what you did just now…to um,” and he didn’t want to finish that sentence hoping Peter would understand the question. He was literally holding his son’s bloody arm that he sliced in front of him and his stomach twisted into tight knots.
Peter cried harder and hid his face with his hands while nodding and Tony felt like he was about to pass out or vomit or both. “Shit, ok, ok, thoughts or actually…um attempted…” he asked swallowing hard. He still didn’t know if what he just did was an attempt on his life or self-harm.
“T-houghts but they’re so strong, Dad. I don’t want to be here anymore,” he cried so hard his breath was hitching. “It’s all I think about. I can’t live with all this shame and disgrace I went through! It’s just too much! I just want to d--_”
“Nope, do not say that word, Peter, you hear me! We’ll get you through this, ok?” He pulled him in for a hug and wouldn’t let go while Peter cried on his shoulder. He didn’t hug him back but he wasn’t expecting him to. He knew it was the last thing he wanted to hear but he had to tell him because this was fucking serious. Peter was having suicidal thoughts again and pretty much acted on it right in front of him! “Pete, you need to go back into treatment.”
Peter pulled away shocked. “What? No, please no! Not again! I don’t have to go, I can get better on my own, I swear! I’ll try really hard, please don’t’ make me go back!” he cried and tried to bargain but he was shaking again he was crying so hard. “Please don’t send me away, Dad, p-please,” Peter begged.
Fuck this was hard. It felt like the first time but somehow worse! “Sorry it’s not a negotiation. You are clearly a danger to yourself and you need professional help.” He said applying pressure to his arm again. “I’m scared to death for you that you’re going to do something that you can’t take back. Look at what you did in front of me for Christ sakes!” Peter stared at his arm and back up at him with a look of finally realizing what he had done. He didn’t know what was scarier, the fact he does this sometimes when he’s detached or when he’s fully aware.
“I won’t sit here and let that happen, I won’t. I love you too much and I’m not going to lose you over this disease. I’m going to call them and hopefully they can take you tonight.”
Tony knew it was a last-minute decision but after hearing how Peter wanted to die, he felt like he had no choice. He has definitely relapsed and had all the signs. His eating disorder was coming back full force, he’s depressed and despondent half the time, he has suicidal ideation and he’s self-harming. He knows he’s not equipped to handle something this severe and he has to have Peter watched 24/7 with the professional help he needs. He hates the idea of sending him away again but he has to. His life literally depended on it…again.
But first he needed to get those cuts looked at immediately to see if he needed stitches, he waited long enough already. He was wondering if Peter was stable enough to walk down to the Medbay or if he should call Helen up here with a suture kit and then suddenly he heard a knock on the door. “Friday, who’s at the door?” he asked her instead of leaving Peter alone to answer it.
“I took the liberty of calling Dr. Helen Cho for medical assistance since the situation seemed dire. I also notified Pepper and she left with Morgan so she wouldn’t witness or overhear any of the confrontation. They are currently not in the building at the moment.”
He sighed with relief because with everything that was happening, he wasn’t even thinking of that and he was so glad that she took the initiative to call for help, too. “Thanks baby girl. Let her in please.”
Peter started shaking even more and started crying harder. “No, please, I don’t want her to see me like this.” He cried and then he hugged his dad to hide his face.
“Sorry, but she has to look at the damage you did to your arm, ok? Hopefully it’s not too deep but it’s bleeding a lot.”
The door opened slowly and Helen peeked her head in. “Hi Tony, Peter. Is it ok if I come in?” she asked.
“Yes, of course. Can you take a look at his arm?” Tony asked as Peter was still hiding his face in the crook of his neck. “Pete, you need to let her see, ok? She’s a doctor, she won’t judge you, I swear.” He knew he was embarrassed which didn’t help his situation since this all seemed to stem from him not being able to handle the shame and humiliation he endured.
Helen wheeled the desk chair over to the bed so she sat in front of him and put down her medical bag. “Hi Peter. Like your father said, I’m not here to judge you. I’m just here to treat your arm, ok? Can you let me take a look?”
Peter slowly unwrapped himself from Tony and sat facing her. His cheeks were beaming red from crying and embarrassment and he wouldn’t look at her. She held his arm and removed the bloody t-shirt and began examining it. “Ok, first I need to clean this up, there’s too much blood. Can we go into the bathroom?” she asked looking at both Tony and Peter.
Peter just sat there frozen but Tony answered. “Yes, it’s right through that door. Use anything you need in there. Pete, come on, I’ll help you up, ok?” Peter just nodded and let Tony help him stand even though he could have probably done it himself but he knew he needed the comfort. He was just thankful he was letting them help him.
When they got situated in the bathroom, Helen ran the water over his arm to clean the blood off to see what damage was done. When the blood was washed away, she gave Tony a very concerned look and when he looked at Peter’s arm, he noticed for the first time the cuts were vertical. He put a hand to his mouth to hold in a gasp as the tears silently fell. She had Peter sit on the toilet with the lid closed while she started putting antiseptic on his cuts which didn’t even make Peter flinch.
Tony figured this would be the perfect time to call the treatment center so he excused himself even though Peter looked scared to death that he said he needed to leave for a few minutes. He promised him he’d be ok left in Helen’s care and that he’d be right back.
He went down the hall into his office which was soundproofed and the first thing he did was collapse on the floor in a heap and sobbed uncontrollably. He had been holding it in this entire time for Peter’s sake and now that he had a moment to himself, he let the dam burst and screamed.
Watching Peter hurt himself with a fucking razor blade right in front of him terrified him beyond belief. And now knowing they were vertical cuts, he knew Peter meant business and he didn’t know if subconsciously he felt Tony in the room and therefore it was a cry for help or if he really didn’t care or wasn’t aware. If he did that in front of him, he could just imagine how often he’s been doing this in hiding or how far he would have taken it if he wasn’t there! And hearing him admit that…that he wanted to die was breaking his already broken heart even more. He cried for his son that was in so much pain and the only thing he could to do help him was to send him away.
He screamed and pounded on the floor because he was so angry with himself for not seeing how bad off Peter was. He was so fucking pissed because of that asshole Flash who started this entire thing. He was going to make sure he got expelled from school and that he got the maximum sentence they could give him but being a minor, he didn’t know what to expect but he paid his lawyers top dollar for shit like this.
After he threw his fit, he laid there out of breath with tears streaming down his face. He did feel a bit better now that he got it out of his system but knew he had to pull himself together to call the treatment center so he gave himself a couple more minutes to calm down. He was surprised that he didn’t have a panic attack but was thankful he didn’t because that’s the last thing anyone needed. He did feel his stomach knot up again and knew his ulcer was acting up. He laid there thinking of when he dropped Peter off the first time. He did the same exact thing except he punched the hell out of his car sitting inside it in the parking lot and ended up in Medbay with dangerously high blood pressure.
He stood back up on his shaky legs and sat in the chair to call the treatment center. He was on the phone longer than he thought it would take but they needed all the information so he told them everything that was happening with Peter. They agreed this was considered an emergency and he needed to come in immediately. They had a spot open and luck would have it, his old room just became vacant. He thanked them profusely and when he hung up, he wiped his face before heading over to Peter’s room.