Chapter 5
Yougotsomeballsson
Russianguy: @Barbard could you please add a coworker of mine to the chat?
Barbard: Why?
Russianguy: She just told me "Make it happen or I'll make sure you never see your family again."
Cy-noYu-no: Weak ass threat
TheScribe: As if you could come up with anything better.
Cy-noYu-no: I could!
TreeFucker: Cyno, as much as I love you. You're horrible at threatening.
Oni: Wait… Cyno?
Cy-noYu-no: That's the name
Oni: As in Mahamatra Cyno?
Cy-noYu-no: Don't think you spelt it right but yep
Oni: Oh my archons
Oni: You arrested me once!
Cy-noYu-no: Who the fuck are you?
Oni: The public indecency, attempted murder, kidnapping, gang violations, and more guy?
Cy-noYu-no: OH YEAH
Cy-noYu-no: You were arrested multiple times in Sumeru
Nomom: What's with you and being arrested so many times?
JitTrippin: That won't look good on your job resume
Oni: Who needs a job when you got a gang?
TheScribe: Rent, bills, and taxes
Oni: Ain't got a house, ain't gotta pay
Dog: Doesn't your gang live in that rundown house on Ali Street?
Oni: Yep
Dog: I heard that they were planning on fixing it up and selling it away
Oni: WHSE
Dog: Yeah
Oni has left the chat
Russianguy: The Co worker?
Barbard: Fine what's her @?
Russianguy: @TheFairLady
Barbard: Weird name but okay.
Barbard added TheFairLady
0p
TheFairLady: Fucking finally
Russianguy: Be grateful I got you in
TheFairLady: And be grateful you get to see your family again
Barbard: Soooooo… What's your name?
TheFairLady: Why should you know?
Barbard: To make sure I can trust you?
Russianguy: This is the 8th Harbinger
TheFairLady: La Signora
Done: Nice to meet you
Barbard: Wait, the one that works under the Tsaritsa?
TheFairLady: Who else is gonna be named La Signora, you dumb fuck.
Barbard: I know you!
TheFairLady: Really?
Barbard: Yeah, you kicked me unconscious.
Russianguy: What?
Barbard: Yeah, she knocked me out in front of the cathedral in Mondstadt.
Jeanny: My sister complained about someone being passed out in front of it, I never thought it was you.
TheFairLady: Is your name Barbatos?
Barbard: Yes!
TheFairLady: Oh, yeah
TheFairLady: I remember you
Fryingpan: Y0u kx8xcked an ifol!?
Barbard: Don't worry this was a day before I became an idol
PingRing: So that's why you almost didn't make it into the selection
Firefly: Imagine getting knocked out 💀
I'mblue: You legit knocked out after eating some Grilled Tiger Fish in public
Firefly: It's not my fault they seasoned my piece inside and out.
Firefly: Also did anyone else notice that the sentences get capitalize automatically
Firefly: I was typing in lowercase
Barbard: Oh, it was a new feature on the app so I decided to try it out
Firefly: Well turn it off
Firefly: I like typing in lowercase letters
Barbard: I can't
Firefly: What do you mean you can't?
Barbard: It was a one time customization
Barbard: Like picking out an outfit to go out with friends
Barbard: Once you get a certain distance from your house, that's the outfits your friends are gonna see you in unless you wanna be late.
BennyBoy: Almost like someone I know…
Longname: Looky here bitch
BennyBoy: 😒
Casket: What's the news on my bank account?
TheFairLady: Well, it was traced to an official building in Inazuma.
Deadbitch: Oh really?
TheFairLady: You got something to do with it?
Deadbitch: No it's just that I have a friend who works in the Kanjou Commission who could probably help .
Russianguy: The what commission?
TheFairLady: The police force of Inazuma.
TheFairLady: How the fuck are a Harbinger and don't know this.
Russianguy: I was first 14 then I was 18
Nomom: Wut?
Russianguy: The Abyss happened
Nomom: No wonder you look like a emo ready to kill himself
Russianguy: Rude
Nomom: But correct
Russianguy: …
LeaveBlower: What's the Abyss?
Russianguy: A place you don't wanna end up in.
LeaveBlower: Is it like a city?
LeaveBlower: Or a nightclub?
Russianguy: It's a place underneath Teyvat.
LeaveBlower: How does that work?
LeaveBlower: Is it a mine?
Russianguy: No, it like a nightmare land. Filled with terrifying monsters.
LeaveBlower: Not following
Russianguy: Look, it's a bad place and time goes by different than up here.
LeaveBlower: So a minute would be?
Russianguy: About 2 hours in the Abyss
LeaveBlower: How long were you there for?
Russianguy: About 4-5 years
Russianguy: Then I took down a whole squad of Fatui Agents by myself.
TheFairLady: Please, you call that an achievement?
Russianguy: As if you've done better.
TheFairLady: I have actually
TheFairLady: I have disarmed over 40 armed people, chased down over 70 people, defused over 90 bombs, stolen back files over 200 times, survived being stabbed and shot multiple times, and I've only killed 10 people.
Russianguy: …
TheFairLady: And I did it all in the heels I wear everyday.
Russianguy: Stop the cap
TheFairLady: You can ask anyone. Sandrome, Capitano, Pierro, any agent. They'll all say it's true.
Nomom: As much as I hate to agree. She's right.
Deepfriedbitch: How would you know?
Nomom: I used to be part of the Harbingers.
Nomom: I was the 6th, the Balladeer
Thehottertwin: Whack ass name
Nomom: At least I was more respected than you
Nomom: And would you look at that, I still am more respected than you.
Thehottertwin: Well fuck you too then
Oni has joined the chat
Oni: I made an oopsie poopsie
TheFairLady: Ew, what was that?
Dog: What happened?
Oni: I had gotten drunk with a few friends a while back
Theblond: What's so bad about that?
Oni: I may or may not have shared the group texts on Visiongram…
Nomom: What
Nomom: The
Nomom: Fuck?
Barbard: A new feature was you can share groupchats so people can see what you're talking about.
TheFairLady: I can't be seen here.
TheFairLady has left the chat
Oni: If it makes you guys feel any better. Only a few people saw it.
Dog: And those few people happened to be over 400 thousand
Barbard: WHAT?
LeaveBlower: How is that possible?
Barbard: This is bad
Frostbite: So you're telling me over 400k people saw me hit on Madame Ping last month?
PingRing: Karma
RoséWine: Get fucked bitch
Frostbite: As if you're any better.
RoséWine: Of course I am
Frostbite: @Russianguy If you scroll up to about 2 weeks ago I'm sure you'll find something insulting
Russianguy: Um… okay?
RoséWine: What's even up there?
RoséWine: Hold on?
RoséWine: SHIT
Russianguy: Really?
RoséWine: IM SORURRY
Russianguy: Hitting on my husband?
RoséWine: Im SO RT Y
Russianguy: Damn Daddy?
RoséWine: HE HAF SENR S PUC AND I DONT KN2O WHSF CAME OVET NE
Russianguy: What you should have said was "Damn, baby boy. Let me get a piece of dat ass."
RoséWine' I DIDN
RoséWine: Huh?
NoMora(x): What the fuck Childe?
Russianguy: If someone's gonna rizz you up, they should at least do it right.
Russianguy: What she did only boosted my morale.
NoMora(x): Fuck you
NoMora(x): Our date tonight is cancelled.
NoMora(x) has left the chat
Russianguy: Wait Im sorry bbg
Russianguy has left the chat
JitTrippin: Nah, jit got a divorce in front of everyone
JitTrippin: That's crazy
Nomom: Lol
JitTrippin: This is the second time I've seen Morax curse
PingRing: Wait
PingRing: You're not part of that group chat?
JitTrippin: What group chat?
Emobottom: Morax doesn't curse in that one?
PingRing: Oh… Not that one
PingRing: Brb
JitTrippin: Okie
PingRing has left the chat
Emobottom: What chat?
Morax 2.0: Weather is nice today isn't it?
Theevenhottertwin: Eh
Theevenhottertwin: A bit too cold for me
Emobottom: Aether
Theevenhottertwin: Yes, my love?
Emobottom: What group chat?
Theevenhottertwin: Anyone got plans for the Lantern Rite?
Boba: What's that?
JitTrippin: It's a festival that happens a few days after Rex Lapis would descend to give out instructions to lead Liyue for a year more. It lasts about 6 days.
Boba: When is it? Maybe I could come and see the Geo Archon descend.
JitTrippin: Nah the bitch died.
Boba: What?
JitTrippin: Bro fell from the sky a few years back 💀
Jeanny: That's kind of disrespectful to the Geo Archon
JitTrippin: No worries
JitTrippin: I knew him like a bestie
Deadbitch: How?
JitTrippin: He found me fighting over a trash can with some guy with gray hair.
Boba: You were fighting with an old man?
JitTrippin: No, he looked like he was barely pushing 24.
Fourarms: Wtf
JitTrippin: He was kinda bad tho
Seen at 12:52
JitTrippin: Really guys?
Seen at 12:52
JitTrippin: Well fuck you guys too
Seen at 12:53
Emobottom: What fucking group chat are y'all talking about?
Seen at 12:53
Barbatos is watching you from your closet