Someone give Peter some Duct-Tape.
Hello! Fellow DC and Marvel fans, it’s your favorite super-vigilante-amazing man, Mr. Deadpool at your service! As all of you are aware, I am the BEST narrator [the author of this fiction wanted the best of the best.] So here I AM! I’ll try to keep it PG for the kids in the back- I’m looking at you who used your parents ages to create YouTube accounts and all that.
Anyways, I’m not entirely sure why you would want someone like me to describe something PG like this- but I’ll certainly try. Can’t traumatize the babies, am I right? We start off with my bestie- PETER PARKER. If ya’ll don’t know who this guy is- where have you been for the entirety of the MCU? I mean seriously. This guy is worth billions. Sony and Marvel actually fight over this guy. I can’t blame them- ANYWAY. Take the stage, Mr.Spiderwebs.
Thanks, Deadpool. Peter rolled his eyes. I can very well narrate my own story. You know that, right? He asked, making direct eye contact with Deadpool.
Yeah, yeah get to the juicy stuff. We wanna know how you fell in love with the Joker.
What? I didn’t- I don’t even know who he is... Really. I mean he's the clown one, right? Wait- Why do you always put words in my mouth?
I do NO SUCH THING. Deadpool throws his hands up dramatically in innocence.
Oh my god, just get out of my thought bubble. Spiderman pushes him off screen.
Fine. Be like that. Deadpool says in the background.
It was a vicious and stormy night in Gotham. Nightwing was on a mission with the Titans, Red Hood was on the other side of the Planet with the Outlaws, Tim was in bed from a cold, Damian was out with Batman taking on a stealth and re-con mission. Everyone was busy, and no-one noticed when a portal opened up on the other side of Gotham.
Wait. Nobody noticed a portal from another dimension... in the middle of Gotham. How did you even know what all was happening? Wade questioned.
That's not important now. Peter responded.
It totally is! How do you know where Red Hood is? Or Red Robin? Or Robin? Unless your 4th wall breaking is as good as mine?
I never really tested it out before, but It might be somewhere on the same level. Peter had his hand up to his chin, in the thinking lookTM.
Impossible. I'm like the best of the best for this sort of stuff. Don't think you can out-wall-break ME! Deadpool exclaimed.
And why would I think that?
I don't know- maybe you're the trademarked "Amazing Spiderman" too. I mean maybe you think your all that. Deadpool gestured to all of him. And I have to slowly break it to you that your not. It's ok. I'm here for you. He whispered in Peter's ear as he pulled him into a sidehug. I'm here for you.
Wade... what? just stop. He pushed out of the hug. Let me tell the story.
Wait. I have a question. Deadpool raised his hand.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.... WhAT? Peter asked annoyed.
Why is Red Hood stealing my look?
Wade. You literally copied Deathstroke. Shush.
And this is why I should get to tell the story. Deadpool argued.
YOUR NOT TELLING THE STORY. SIT DOWN.
Ok, dad. Fine.
As I was saying... Peter continued. I was thrown through this portal on the other side of Gotham while all the other members of the BatFam were busy. So nobody noticed when I came through in my red and blue Spiderman suit low-key bleeding out.
Oh God, what happened next?
Deadpool. If you would be quiet for two seconds- Peter fumed.
Ok. Yes, yes. I am quiet. Continue. Deadpool said nonchalantly.
I got up and started looking through the street. I was in the middle of fighting one of my own villains, and was pretty disoriented when I got thrown through the portal.
Which one?
Dr.Octavias was always interested in Inter-dimensional travel, time travel, you name it- and he was the one who came up with this device to teleport me through. He tested it whilst I was at odds with Black Cat. So she and I were in Gotham. Unfortunately the vial that Doc Oc through at me caused the portal to open up around me, so my molecules were thrown apart, and then teleported to another dimension to stitch themselves together. While Black Cat just got sucked into the portal, and walked out fun-and-dandy on the other side. So I didn't notice her when I got up, half-disoriented.
Yikes. Deadpool grimaced.
Yeah. Peter deadpanned.
Wait I thought you said you were half-bleeding out?
Were you not paying attention? I got bloody ripped in half!
Were using words like bloody? What are you British?
Leave me alone. Literally before this Thanos came and wiped half the unvierse. I died, and when I come back Tony's dead. Then I got sent to this Gotham Place, and all that happens. I just get back from there and my class wants to go to London. So I do. And you know what happens then? I got my identity revealed, questioned reality, lost the only thing Mr.Stark gave to me and then I get ripped on by you cause I'm using words like Bloody. Your seriously gonna play this game right now, Wade?
Alright, alright. Just tell me it's the giant purple grape next time. I'll drop it. Wade said, lowering his voice. Didn't know you hated the guy as much as I did.
It was barely a whisper, but Peter has super-hearing so he shouts. THANK YOU! FINALLY. SOMEONE GETS IT.
Does no-one hate the chip-faced demon? Do I have to talk to some people, peter?
Why did you- ok. First off, never say my name like that ever again, or at the end of a question like that. And Secondly, I guess it's just that I can never truly be angry because of the whole- I would destroy cities thing... and I have had all this stuff-
As peter was saying... he got up and kissed the Joker on the lips. Deadpool said in his storyteller voice.
That's literally not even close to what happened. Do you have a fascination with Joker? Is there something you need to tell us? Are you actually from DC?
Wade was quiet for the first time since the fic started.
Thank the LORD. Peter said, continuing the story.
The first night was really rough. I was soaking wet from the rain, the place smelled of sewage and weed, and the streets vaguely gave my spider-sense a migraine. If New York was a jail cell, then Gotham was a State-of-the-art Prison. It wasn't uncommon to be walking down through Gotham- and I learned this from experience- and see blood every hundred feet. Of course you had your normal city issues, like homelessness, poverty, low-income jobs, but this city was just covered in crime. Murders, stabbings, you name it. My senses were on high alert, and I spent the first hour or two there just swinging through the city.
Ok, so when did you meet commissioner Gordon?
After my two hours were up, I saw a symbol spread across the night sky. I followed it over to a building where I found Batman and Robin (I didn't know there names until I was eavesdropping on their conversation.)
Dude, you need to tell me what they said. I actually will owe you one. Batman hates it when I know things that I shouldn't- and anything to creep him out really would be just-
Deadpool- I literally will tell you if you let me get to the point. Also- how do you know Batman?
Webs, that's a story for another day. Deadpool announced.
Fair enough, Spiderman shrugged.
Gordon first addressed Batman. "So, I need some assistance with this case. I have 2 leads, but they don't seem to be going anywhere. Could you look into them?" He handed over two files. After glancing through the files, Batman handed one of them over to Robin and responded to him sternly. "We'll look into them, but there's no telling what we will find."
"Ok, just let me know as soon as possible. These are on a limited time basis, Batman."
"No need to worry Gordon, my father and I will do these cases great justice." Robin said, determined.
"Come on, Robin let's get started."
And off the roof they went. Gordon sighed and turned off the Batman signal, and I noticed his badge on his jacket. I swung over, and dropped on the other side of the building as he was opening up the door to staircase down.
"Who's there?" Gordon asked, getting his flashlight out and shining it at Spiderman.
"Hi. I'm uh. Listen, I just really need some help."
"You didn't answer me. Who are you?"
"My name is Peter Parker. I'm-"
"Oh my god, your bleeding out."
"Yeah I'm uh... I'm-"
And you FAINTED????!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, Deadpool I fainted. I was walking around on an empty stomach, with a hole through my gut for two hours swinging around the city. So I passed out when my spidey-sense was saying I wasn't gonna die by approaching the cop.
So now what? You revealed your identity to Gordon and all the sudden Batman knew and now you got adopted into their bull-
No. no. no. no. no. That's not- Deadpool if you interrupt me one more time, I'll have Karen pull out Instant-Kill mode.
Instant- WHAT? You're Spiderman! You're not supposed to kill people! That's my thing!
Exactly. So keep your mouth closed.
Wait. If you did- then we'd have three people in red costumes with white eyes killing people! Deadpool said, jumping out of his seat.
Deadpool-
Awe! Come-on! That was a good one!
Deadpool.
I mean really, three is a little overkill-
Karen activate-
OK!
So I fainted. And I woke up in a Doctor's office. When I did, a doctor came over to me, and our conversation was a little weird.
Weird... how?
"Hello my name is Dr. Kelsey. I'm a doctor here in Gotham Medical, and I'm assisting you today. Officer Gordon brought you here last night, you had a bullet wound in the stomach, and scratch marks sporadically across your body. We were luckily able to retrieve the bullet. But I have a few questions to ask you... Mr..."
"Parker. Peter Parker."
"Ah. That's what I thought Gordon said. Oddly enough, there's already a Peter Parker in our system. And he's not you. You wanna explain that?"
I was scared and didn't have any idea how that was possible.
"What?"
"You're not Peter Parker. Peter Parker is a 35 year old male who lives in Queens, New York. Your in Gotham, New Jersey, and are no where near 35 years old. Who. Are. You?"
You're not at home anymore.
"No, not even close."