Elevator Music
So you woke up in a hospital bed- and ran! You ran for the hills and never looked back. And that was that.
Wow, ok. You actually got some part of the story right. I’m proud of you.
You’re proud of me? Deadpool’s eye were sparkling, as if he were on a kids tv show.
Nevermind, I take it back. Peter turned around. I’m gonna get some tea. Interrupting you to tell my story makes my mouth dry.
Do whatever you want Webs, I’m gonna keep telling the story.
So, Spiderman ran for the hills. Unfortunately, there aren’t many hills in Gotham. It’s kind of flat like California. Peter ended up in a old warehouse. One that looks really ugly. Filled with grime and crap, and Peter thought it was a great place to lay down cause at least his feelings weren’t screaming at him DANGER DANGER DANGER- like some kind of end-of-the-world siren.
I’m gonna be honest If my feelings did that, I think I’d try to kill myself. Cause like. Deadpool- the name kind of explains itself… But if my head rang every time I got shot I think I’d go crazy. Could you imagine?
So, there he was passed out, and vulnerable. And I come through the magic portal thing called the 4th wall to annoy the absolute **** out of him. Do you like how I just bleeped myself? If you did, I did that for a whole movie, cause for some reason parents want their children to witness the EPIC Deadpool. Is it to ruin the whole red suit gettup? I have no clue.
Anyways, So I come through the portal, close it, and promptly get to this warehouse that Spiderman’s at, and I come through the door, that is barely on hinges. And there he is passed out. And I’m like. Wow. That’s crazy. So, I wait… and wait… and wait... And this ************ is passed out for literal days.
When he finally wakes up-
Wade! Dude, I left for 2 seconds!
Yeah short-stuff, and the viewers are waiting!
Bro, they can wait 2 seconds for me to get some tea. Geeze.
Why are you drinking tea anyways? Again, with the British stuff.
I literally told you last time I just got back from London. So what if I liked to do some of the touristy things? I never get to do the touristy things! Everyone always needs Spider-Man. I never have time to relax!
Right? Like people can’t stop dying for a moment?
EXACTLY! I get that they are dying and crap but I never can get a break!
I can't believe that people die. That's so inconvenient of them. Deadpool smirks.
Well, do you want me to put some elevator music on, and pause the fic? We can do that. Deadpool holds out a remote to the screen between him and you.
Peter stares at Deadpool. How would we put on elevator music? The reader literally has to read this. He points out.
Well. I’m sure they could figure it out. You know how you visualize stuff when you read?
No. I don’t. Peter deadpanned.
What? SO ANYWAYS, put on your beats or whatever you have, old cord headphones and type elevator music into your Itones music, or whatever. Then when your done come back and read the rest of this fic. You can do that, right, reader?
You can’t just tell the readers what-
I just did. And now they have elevator music. They are happy! Deadpool motions at the screen separating you and the words.
Yeah. They are real happy that they literally aren’t hearing what happened to me in Gotham.
I mean, they would be happier if you actually told the story. Deadpool raised his eyebrows at Spidey and gestured to him.
Well I didn’t ask for any music, I meant it would be nice if my life slowed down a little. He takes a sip of his tea.
Deadpool sighs. Just roll the tapes hackey-sack!
It’s not tapes. It’s literally a script. Whatever. Ok, so.
I made it to a place in Gotham, an old, abandoned warehouse. It was a smaller one, much smaller than I had been in before.
You’re talking about the only one you’ve been in before- in coming home?
It’s called Homecoming. But yeah.
There wasn’t much in there. A few storage boxes, and three or four trailers. I scouted the place out. Nobody was there, so I took shelter there for a little bit. A lot of it was to collect my thoughts. I had swung through the city and saw the other heroes, but I wanted to know if there was another Spider-Man. I was under the impression that this was another universe after seeing a billboard of a guy “Bruce Wayne” in place of Mr.Stark on 5th and Main. That wasn’t right. He knows I like that one, it has this hilarious photo of Mr.Stark smiling with another CEO, and he looks so awkward-
Fanboy another time, storytime now.
This is a part of the story! It’s how I figured everything out! Peter exclaimed, offended.
You’re Spider-Man. Everyone knows you’re a genius. Tony Stark created a new element, and invented time travel. You’re his kid-
Not biologically- Peter interrupted.
Not the point. Half of your comics are science gibberish.
They are not-
Are too!
You’re only saying that because your comics are a medical mess and try to fix things with violence. And I don’t- Wait… did you even read my comics?
I’m Deadpool- what do you think?
Right. What am I thinking? There’s no way you have a brain to read with after being shot in the head that many times. You’ll really have to leave the thinking thing to me.
Deadpool rolls his eyes. See? This is what I’m talking about.
So, Peter figured out he was in another dimension, and came up with a plan for the following day. He needed to get supplies, do an internet search, contact Mr. Gordon, and a bunch of other adulty stuff because he is a massive nerd who was gonna “wing” his way through creating an interdimensional portal.
I’m actually embarrassed. Because that was exactly my plan. Ironically enough I spent a good 4-5 hours on blueprints, you know. I woke the next day with a new determination. I was going to go through the city to get answers.
Deadpool scoffed. Peter. Are you hearing yourself right now?
What? What’s wrong? Peter asked, tilting his head.
You are describing the literal plot of every. single. Peter in Gotham fic. Ever. Wade responded, rolling his eyes, and yawning.
Wow, are you calling me basic?
Actually I am.
Wow. I’m offended. How dArE yOu.
*Dear Reader, this is Deadpool. I advise you actually turn on the elevator music now. What I’m about to say might just get me cancelled by THE spiderman. He might be the one with enough plot armour to actually kill me. Killed by my best friend- what a way to go. Honestly more of a Goblin thing to do than a Deadpool. But whatever. Author gets their way every time, anyways. *
I hate to break it to you, Spiderman. But the last how many movies… and probably the ones coming up in a year or so… are all following the same plots too.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well you tell me. How many Peter’s gotta suffer death? How many movies until Marvel realizes fans want something different than the spiderverse? How many uncle ben’s and aunt mays do we have to see die on screen? When are we gonna get a movie that’s different?
I’m sorry. Deadpool. Let me just take a second. Are you saying my aunt may dying… the other Spidermans’ uncle bens dying… even my trip to Gotham… everything that makes me who I am… is boring to you? Everything that makes me- isn’t ENTERTAINING enough for YOU?
Well when you put it like that…
Peter takes a deep breath.
“Yeah, Reader. Imma need you to put on some elevator music. Come back next time after Wade has paid for his sins.”
Oh- Uh. Wait.Wait. Wai-
No. We don’t play this game anymore.
But Peter! You actually talked straight to the audience! Your doing so well!
Yeah, and you were doing so well at not pissing me off until two seconds ago.
*elevator music*