Chapter 2
The silence that engulfs the room is so thick that Wade knows he could cut through it with his katanas if he had them on him.
That is, until it’s broken by Paradox stomping his foot like an angry toddler, and whining out, “He’s obviously lying! There’s no way the two of them are engaged, they’re destined to be enemies in every universe!”
The agent’s outburst and blatant disrespect to, as Wade would put it, their “off the charts chemistry” is what finally snaps the mercenary out of his stunned stupor.
A grin spreads wildly across Wade’s face, as he puts on his best heart eyes— not that they’re very hard to naturally have whenever Logan’s around— as he realizes exactly how much Logan just fucked himself in a last-ditch attempt to stay in Earth-10005.
And Wade’s about to fuck him even more.
Not in that way, freaks, but you would like that, wouldn’t you?
Oh, Wade is going to have fun with this.
“Baby!” He whines out, over-dramatically in an attempt to smother down his giggles. “We weren’t supposed to tell anyone until we broke the news to your new mother-in-law and my new daughter-in-law!”
Logan blushes deeply, as if he wasn’t the one who got them into this mess to begin with. “I— I’m sorry?”
Wade sighs dramatically, before resting his head against Logan’s shoulder, it’s an awkward angle, but he manages it all the same. “It’s okay, my little Honey Badger, you’ll just have to make it up to me in other ways.” He suggestively raises the skin where his brows would be at, and giggles, as he shoots his head up to plant a smooch right on the side of Logan’s cheek where the man’s sharp stubble meets Wade’s soft, scarred lips.
B-15 smooths out her surprised expression to one of a small smile, “Congratulations to the both of you, of course we at the TVA must still verify your engagement before we can issue Mr. Howlett his official documentation. It is standard procedure to bring both of you in for a green card interview to ensure the integrity of your matrimonial union, where, in a week’s time, we will be conducting separate evaluations of both of you. In addition to this, we will have an agent sent sporadically to observe your interactions and report it back to me directly. If we notice the smallest inaccuracy in that of your behavior as a couple, charges will be held against both of you, and the continuation of Mr. Howlett’s deportation will be seen through. As you already know, your marriage must be validated in ninety days to qualify for this permit. Do you have any questions for me?” She finishes, all without taking a breath.
“No, ma’am, no questions.” Logan responds instantly.
Wade blinks blankly at her, “I’m sorry, what? I zoned out thinking about all of the surfaces I‘ve yet to deflower my Logie Bear on.” Grinning, he leans in to stage whisper to B-15 despite everyone in the room being able to hear him. “I’ll give you a hint, I can barely count on one hand for how many spots are left, my boy’s got a crazy refractory system.”
Logan’s face burns a fiery red as he yanks his hand away from Wade’s in order to bury his face in his palms and partly Mary Puppins instead.
“Aw, Peanut!” Wade giggles at Logan’s visceral reaction, before turning back to B-15, “He’s shy at heart, but not in the bedroom. Oh, the noise complaints we’ve received because of him! So vocal, and so good for me, isn’t that right, Peanut?”
Logan doesn’t respond, nor does he move. Instead the heat of embarrassment from Wade’s lies that both of them know Logan can’t deny without instantly raising suspicions, flare all the way to the tips of his ears and down to his throat.
Paradox, who gapes stupidly at the two of them, stammers over his words as he tries to deny the existence of their nonexistent relationship again. “No! The two of you aren’t together— there’s no way! They’re lying! The only thing Wade Wilson and Logan Howlett will ever be engaged in is combat.”
“That is enough, Mr. Paradox—“ B-15 tries to shut him down for his inappropriate behavior, but Wade cuts her off instead.
“Yeah! Combat in the bedroom.” Wade says with a suggestive wink. “As I’ve said countless times before, I’m not a natural bottom, but for my Angel Baby? I would let him rail me like a train. Not a passenger, no, but a freight. Full speed ahead. Always welcome to come in, but never needing to pull out.”
“Okay, Mr. Wilson, I believe that is enough now.” B-15’s slight grimace isn’t lost on Wade as she addresses him. “I apologize for the sudden intrusion and misunderstanding. We will take our leave now, but do remember in one week’s time, agents will personally arrive to escort both you and Mr. Howlett to the Time Variance Authority for your separate interviews on your courtship.”
“Aye aye, Captain!” Wade salutes, before batting what’s left of his eyelashes at B-15. “Could you pretty please do me a favor and not mention the happy news of my Angel Baby’s and my engagement to your paramour Peter? I know about that little romantic rendezvous happening between you two lovebirds! We haven’t told anyone yet and we want to do it the right way.” He teases as she looks sheepishly away, but nods her head in understanding.
Wade then sets his sights on a fuming Paradox. “You know, if you weren’t such a jealous little bitch who tried to destroy my entire universe, kill my dog, and nearly get my future hubby deported, you could have been our third.”
Paradox is beyond floored as he’s torn between repulsion and pure rage. A new portal appears beside him as B-15 grabs Paradox by his shoulder and tugs him through behind her.
“Bye bye!” Wade giggles as he blows a kiss at the man as the rest of the agents finally leave as well.
The last portal shuts down, and Wade can hear Mary Puppins be placed back down on the ground as her little paws patter against the flooring.
Wade spins around to face Logan, face just as crimson as the last time he looked at him.
“What the fuck just happened?” Logan questions in disbelief.
“Well, Peanut, to quote our adoptive daughter’s dead meat— sorry, I meant deadbeat— papa, ‘the proposal.’” Wade says sultrily, as a small gust of air blows behind him from their half-broken, shitty AC.
Logan stares at him, unamused, before continuing. “What the fuck are we supposed to do now?”
“Were you not here for the entirety of the first and half of the second chapters?” Wade chides gently, “Peanut, baby, come on, you’re better than that. Get my dick out of your head from where it’s spit roasting your ears, and into your mouth instead, obviously we’re joining the X-Men and getting married!”
“I need a fucking drink.” Logan shoves past him and out of the bedroom, carefully stepping over the corpses littering their floor as Wade skips through the pools of blood as if they were muddy puddles, following closely behind his new fiancé.
“And I need a good fucking! And since the TVA is going to be practicing some insanely immoral voyeurism on us, I say we should give them a show—“ Wade’s cut off by Logan slamming him against the nearest wall.
“Will you shut the fuck up? Please? I need to hear myself fucking think.” Logan growls out, but instead of it holding his usual bite, Wade could swear he could hear the faintest hint of genuine fear.
“What’s there to think about?” Wade laughs awkwardly, still pinned beneath the crushing weight of Logan as he wiggles his body underneath his. “We get married in three months, boom! We’re good, you’re good, I’m definitely good because the Wolverine would be my husband—“
Logan yanks away from him as if Wade’s words burn.
He sighs deeply, Wade can see the fury and tension leave his body and instead be replaced by a depressing resignation.
“Wade, you don’t have to marry me. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just needed those fuckers out of the house and it was the only thing I could think of, but that was wrong of me to throw something like that on you without any warning. The only good it’s gonna do is buy me enough time to be able to say my goodbyes, but that’s no excuse for the position I put you in.” Logan lets out another exhale, bracing himself for his next words, “I’m sorry, Bub, I’ll be sure to tell them it’s all on me and that you had no idea. I don’t want you getting in anymore trouble ‘cause of me. Maybe if I’m lucky, I can still get approved for that work visa.” He finishes with a small, self-deprecating chuckle to himself.
“Um, Peanut? Absolutely fucking not—“ Wade begins only to be interrupted by Logan.
“Bub—“ He tries, but Wade places both of his hands on Logan’s shoulders and successfully shuts him up.
“No, it’s my turn to talk now, so be a good boy and listen.” Wade could swear he sees a faint blush creep across Logan’s face at the words.
Hm, interesting.
Wade moves his hands from Logan’s shoulders to cup both sides of his face instead. “First off, none of that noble bullshit, do you hear me? We’re not doing that, not in this fic at least. Second of all, you can put me in any position, I’m flexible as fuck.” He winks, taking careful notice of how Logan’s face turns a shade darker. “And third, I can’t stand those TVA fuckers as much as the next guy, especially their bullshit immigration laws? What the fuck is that? Sounds like some bullshit plot device specifically designed to throw us into a forced fake dating scenario. And not to mention the look on the knock-off stormtroopers’ faces— especially Mr. Paradick’s?— as if it’s so unbelievable that someone like you could be with someone like me? Let’s just say, I took that one personally.”
Only just noticing he unintentionally leaned closer to Logan during his impromptu speech, Wade grins.
Leaning in further, he places a brief kiss to the tip of Logan’s nose before pulling back and releasing him completely.
“What do you say, Peanut? Let’s commit marriage fraud!” He laughs maniacally.
Logan hesitates for a moment, as if he were internally weighing his options, but finally, he responds. After all, what other choice did he have?
“Okay, Bub, let’s do it. Let’s commit marriage fraud.” He agrees.
Wade’s cheering as he attempts to jump into Logan’s arms bridal-style is interrupted by the apartment door slamming open, as Al takes one step in, nearly slipping in a pool of blood.
Abandoning Wade, Logan bolts across the room to catch her elbow before she stumbles down.
“Motherfucker! What the fuck did you two idiots do this time?” She accuses, as she yanks her arm from Logan and whacks him in the leg with her cane.
Metal strikes metal with a clank!
“Sorry, baby, I thought you were Wade.” She offhandedly apologizes.
“It’s okay, Althea.” Logan reassures.
“What the fuck, what is this blatant favoritism—“ Wade starts, before interrupting himself with a shake of his head and continuing. “You know what? No, I am not letting this ruin my big announcement because what’s happening is that your baby girl’s finally getting married! You’re gonna be a grandmother!” Wade cheerfully responds.
“I’m already a grandma, you stupid motherfucker.” Al hits her cane across the floor until it comes in contact with Wade’s foot, before stopping in front of him. Wade doesn’t flinch, already used to her behavior since being her roommate for several years now. “Are you fucking with me, boy?” She holds out an accusatory finger at him, “Is this one of your unfunny ass jokes?”
Wade opens his mouth to make a snarky comment about what one of his jokes about asses would be so that she could know the difference, but Al cuts him off instead.
“You and Nessa got back together?” She questions, trying to go for nonchalance but her tone slips and Wade can tell she sounds the slightest bit impressed, maybe even proud.
If Wade was anyone else, he would feel guilt for what he’s about to say.
He would feel guilt at the happiness in her voice at the idea of him fixing things with his ex, someone he truly believed was his soulmate and someone he wanted to be able to spend the rest of his life with, immortal or not.
He would feel guilt for lying to his mother figure in order to protect their friend.
But Wade’s not anyone else, and he doesn’t feel guilt, because while he will always love Vanessa, he knows that ship has sailed.
He also knows there’s a new cruise he wants to ride.
And while he doesn’t particularly enjoy lying to Al either, he knows she’ll understand. Hell, she probably would have offered to marry Logan too.
As Wade opens his mouth to correct her on who his fiancé is, he doesn’t notice Logan moving across the room to stand beside the two of them, until the man speaks up first.
His tone is mostly even, but Wade could hear the slightest waver in it— something the mercenary picked up on after so many nights trying to calm Logan down from one of his many panic attacks. It’s almost as if the Wolverine is genuinely nervous about announcing their “engagement” to Al.
As if her reaction, her approval, means something more than him than just a green card.
But that wouldn’t be it because Wade and Logan aren’t actually together.
“The TVA is trying to deport me out of the fucking universe on some bullshit technicality, so Wade offered to marry me to keep me here, and now we’re engaged.” Logan finishes, lamely, ruining their engagement announcement.
Wade’s sure to tell him as much, “What the fuck! This is not how fake marriage fics go, you’re not supposed to tell someone it’s pretend until we fall madly in love in the second to last chapter, and our mutual friend has to smack some sense into one of us and help us realize that we want our marriage to be real!” He accuses, scandalized.
“What the fuck are you talking about—“
“Will both of you shut the fuck up?” Al interrupts them as Wade and Logan both promptly do as they’re told. “I don’t give a rat’s ass what the two of you do, legal or not. Especially not marriage when the two of you dumbasses have been bumping uglies since the first night Wade brought you home, as far as I’m concerned, you’re finally defining the fucking relationship.”
“What? We’re not—“ Logan tries, embarrassed at her assumption that their fighting could be confused as something else.
“You don’t gotta lie to me, boy.” She reaches out and tries to pat him on the side of his face, but it comes off more as a slap. “I’m blind, not deaf. Now this doesn’t mean you two can go running around fucking all willy-nilly everywhere just because you’re getting married, you hear me? As long as you two idiots live in my house, you be respectful, got it?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Wade cackles out, as he wraps an arm behind Logan’s waist and tries to pull him into a hug from behind only to be shoved away and met with a warning growl.
“Fuck ass bum number two, I need your agreement as well.” Al waits impatiently as she taps her foot against the floorboards rapidly staining with blood.
“Nothing’s gonna happen between us.” Logan mumbles out, crossing his arms against his chest.
“Nothing yet!” Wade jumps in, grinning. “I give it another chapter or two.”
Logan rolls his eyes at him. “You wish, Bub.”
“Sweetie, snookems, pookie bear. You seem to have forgotten we’re engaged, something’s bound to happen if we want to keep up the ruse.” Wade steps towards Logan again, ignoring Al as she finds her way back to her bedroom and lets out a string of explicits as she nearly trips over a body.
“Fuck.” Logan mumbles under his breath.
Wade leans in close, voice barely above a whisper as the warmth of his words brush across Logan’s ear. “There’s nothing sexier than consent, what’s the boundaries? What are you comfortable with, Kitty?”
Logan freezes, seemingly lost in thought, but Wade doesn’t miss the way the Wolverine’s eyes rake over his body.
Crossing his arms over his chest, Logan doesn’t move away as he responds, “What are you comfortable with?”
Wade laughs so hard that he throws his head back, as Logan bristles at the sudden outburst. Once Wade settles down again, he wipes a stray tear from his eye. “Peanut, have you met me? I’m comfortable with anything.” He punctuates his statement by trailing his finger along Logan’s collarbone.
Wade also doesn’t miss the way Logan tries to suppress a shiver at the touch.
“I guess…” Logan starts again, eyes settling on Wade’s. “Anything goes?”
Smirking, Wade arches a brow bone at this, “Anything?”
Logan backtracks, rolling his eyes as he tries to explain. “Anything only whenever we’re in front of someone who we have to convince this is real to, like the TVA.”
“What about the X-Men?” Wade asks the question Logan didn’t want to think about yet.
He groans, scrubbing a hand across his face before relenting. “Yeah, whatever. They’re not my X-Men, so why not? Only if we have to though.”
Wade’s smirk grows into a grin, “So we’re allowed to do anything, does that mean you’re into voyeurism—“
Rolling his eyes again, Logan corrects him. “Nothing sexual.”
Wade fixes him with a funny look, “Now I may not be good at reading, but I know that’s not the definition of ‘anything goes’. What about hand stuff?” He questions instead.
“Unless it’s to hold hands, then no.”
“Mouth stuff?”
“Only a peck if it’s necessary. ‘Anything goes’ if it’s strictly pg, Bub.” He clarifies.
Wade sighs, “You’re no fun, but you couldn’t keep up with me even if you tried.”
Logan arches a brow at that, “I beg your pardon?”
Bingo.
Wade checks his nails as if he were uninterested and not at all like he’s successfully luring Logan into a trap. “Then beg, I said what I said.”
Logan crosses his arms then uncrosses them again. “Bub, you wouldn’t know what hit you if I flirted with you. You wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
A smirk tugs at the corner of Wade’s lips again, “Is that so? You’re the one who wants to keep things pg. I think we both know the truth and that truth is that you’re afraid of what I can make you feel, but more importantly, what I can do to you, Peanut.”
Logan’s eyes narrow. “Are you challenging me right now?”
Innocently, Wade responds, “It’s not a challenge if there’s no chance of you winning.”
Logan crosses his arms again, brow still arched. “Okay, you know what? Fine, you’re on, Bub, but keep in mind that whenever you’re begging for me to touch you, we agreed on nothing sexual.”
A wicked grin spreads across Wade’s face as he leans into Logan’s space, but the man doesn’t back away. Not even when Wade’s brown eyes flicker to Logan’s lips, before reaching his scarred thumb out and traces along the soft skin there, until Wade’s movements stop suddenly to gently cup the side of Logan’s face instead. His eyes peer back up from under what’s left of his lashes as he meets Logan’s heavy gaze again. “Deal, as long as you remember that I don’t need to touch you to be able to make you wet your pretty little panties like a girl.”
“Somebody better get these fucking bodies out of my house or I swear to God there’s gonna be two more by the ending of tonight!” Al shouts from her bedroom.
Wade leans back, entire demeanor changing in a blink of an eye as his voice pitches cheerfully up. “Coming, Mom!”
He skips away from a frozen Logan who’s quickly realizing the mistake he just made.
But Logan shakes it off.
Two can play at this game.