Bride And Seek
“The time. It approaches.” Shanks sniffed the night air like a bloodhound.
“Yesssssss,” Kakashi hissed. “The clock. It strikes -”
“Oh shut up,” Fukuzawa snapped, the lapels of his yukata strained under the pressure of Gon in his arms, revealing his greying nipples and the flesh down to his belly button. He stormed the gates, throwing open the door to the Oxbridge church.
The doors slammed against the walls and bounced back shut, slamming on Fukuzawa’s toes.
“Waaaa!” he cried, hopping on one foot.
“Jeez,” Levi muttered to Tomoe, “I thought he was, like, done being lame.”
“Totally,” Tomoe drawled, trying to avert his gaze from the Oxbridge principal.
Victor took Fukazawa’s place, adjusting the Chinese Mafia boyo into one arm and using his free arm to open the aching and whining heavy church door, pressing it open.
“Soma-chaaaaaaaan!” Victor cried in his thick Russian accent. Soma’s purple hair was visible from the seats, his head turned toward -
The beautiful pair standing at the end of the altar, holding hands. Ayato wore his Sunday best - a navy blue button-up shirt and some fancy pants - and Yosano had clearly gone shopping for the occasion, wearing a lovely outfit of a white silken button-up shirt, a short dark blue skirt woven using the most finest spider silk, and a butterfly hairpin.
Between them stood Nekozawa, his hood pulled over his head, puppet Belzanoff on his fist talking to both bride and groom.
“Ayato, please recite your vows, the words you promise to uphold for Yosano in life and death,” Belaznoff drawled.
Chuuya stood to the side, his lilting voice carried around the stone walls of the chapel, voice sweet and romantic, glinting on melancholy, a silent whisper of background noise.
The teachers all gasped, their legs rooted to the spot.
“AYATO?!?” Fukuzawa cried, his eyes wide, so wide the precious orbs nearly fell out. His arms fell to his sides in shock, accidentally dropping Gon, who went crashing onto the floor.
Gon jumped to his feet, glaring. He was about to berate Fukuzawa, but then paused, taking in the sight of the wedding with disgust and disdain. He waved merrily at the familiar faces around him, his fellow students, but they all seemed to be avoiding his gayze, Nekozawa angling a cross towards him, murmuring to himself.
“You got here! You’re safe!” Shanks cried, knees giving way as he fell to the ground, entire body crumpling, so tightly wound from the stress of losing Ayato for so long. “Never leave my sight again, sweet boy!” He would have enveloped Ayato in a one-armed bear hug, but didn’t want to crease the groom’s best formal wear.
Hawkeye shook his head. While he effortlessly maintained his steely visage, the TRUTH was that tears ached to pour down his face in rivers.
Kakashi’s Sharingan was exposed, running over the length of Ayato, taking in the precious sight of him relievedly. His non-Sharingan eye was red too. Not with conjunctivitis… but with tears. He quickly pulled another mask over that side, wary of damaging his long-held reputation as the ‘cool’ one (and long-held it was indeed. Since this tight-knit gang of senior teachers had been young, it was known that Fukuzawa was the ‘dramatic, passionate/embarrassing’ one, Shanks was the ‘nice, easy-going’ one, Hawkeye the ‘stoic, sirius’ one, and Kakashi the ‘cool, hot’ one. But the tales of their youth are for another time, to be or not to be divulged in due course…).
Mustang exhaled the air he didn’t even know he’d been holding in. While he hadn’t outwardly shown it, he had secretly been fretting about Ayato just as much.
“Son of a bitch,” he muttered, pinching his nose and closing his stinging eyes, “Never do that to us again, you bastard.” his tone was playful, but shook slightly with emotion.
Even Tomoe and Levi were taken aback with relief. Despite the blur and visual distortion in Levi’s coked-up state, he could still see Ayato in sharp focus. If the 420 gang was like a family, Ayato was definitely like the youngest son/brother - everyone’s bby.
Hawk honked in celebration, clapping his hooves together in thrill.
“Is that,” Inosuke gasped, standing up, (he’d agreed to cater the event in exchange for some coke) “My boyfrie-COUSIN, Hawk?”
“Boss Inosuke!” Hawk cried, galloping toward the boar-headed chap, hooves clip-clopping down the aisle and to the seats.
“Ugh they finally got here,” Yosano hissed to her maid of honour, Hawkeye, “This is why I wanted to elope. All of these dramatic bastards. Damn Nishijima for inviting all these guests.”
Hawkeye nodded, though she was somewhat happy the wedding had become a public affair just so she had the opportunity to be maid of honour.
“Oh,” Ayato had been staring at his co-workers after their loud and bizarre entrance, at Fukazawa’s greying nips, Levi’s red drug-addled gaze. “Yo wassup, my brothas? You got here. I assume you got my letter, then?”
“Your letter?” Kakashi asked, “There was no letter!”
“Ah,” Ayato said, “Luckily I prepared a copy just in case of such an event.” He dropped his hands from Yosano’s grip and whipped out an envelope from his breast pocket, brandishing it elegantly as he pulled out the letter within.
“Allow me to recite its contents for you,” he said ominously, clearing his throat.
“MMMMMMMHHHHHH WHATCHA SAAAAAAAAYYY!” Chuuya’s melodic voice resonated with force, striking the professors right in the heart.
Hawkeye didn’t say it with words or actions, but he was proud of Chuuya for the emotion he poured into the song.
“Dearest Fukuzawa, Shanks, Hawkeye, and the rest of my cherished colleagues,” Ayato began, his voice booming in the spacious halls,
“By the time you read this, I'll be at my wedding. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: After our wild drunken shenanigans, you’ll oversleep, waking up disoriented, without your phones - here they are, by the way, Tomoe there were about 200 calls from Deus so I had to destroy yours, hope that’s alright. After that, you'll immediately throw away the letter I left you at the hotel - even though I printed your name on it in block letters. You will then head back to the bar. Inosuke will tell you we went to the Chinese Mafia’s strip club, the Grandmaster of Erotic Cultivation. Tomoe will encounter his husband - side-note: get a divorce ASAP bro, Mustang will writhe with jealousy, and you will pick up a tiger, believing it to be Atsushi.”
“Mm that you only meant weeeeeellllll,” Chuuya beautifully serenaded, “Well, of course you did…. Mmmm whatcha sayyyyyyyyyyyy-”
“Then, you will hear about our action-packed, fast and furious, car race with Nishijima. Soooo gotta do that again sometime. And perhaps next time, we’ll actually win-”
“We LOST?” Mustang interrupted with rage.
“At this time, Victor will pick up a companion of his own for some reason. When you get to the car, you’ll find the Kurta eyes, which will lead you to the formidable Phantom Troupe. After reminiscing about the E-P-I-C rap battle where Hawkeye OWNED them, you will leave them near-death, perhaps ded, and move on.”
“Mmmmmm that it’s all for the beeeeeeest, because it iiiiiis-”
“A phone will then ring
And so Fukuzawa falls
On his hands and knees,”
Ayato waited for his little haiku (that he’d spent HOURS working on) to be acknowledged by the cool, hot English sensei but was met with silence so he continued -
“Not even in a sexual way. Following a disastrous whole OTHER thing, you'll eventually arrive at the wedding venue late, just while I'm starting my vows.”
“WHAT DIIID YOUUU SAAAYYYYY..” trilled the voice of an angel - nay, a god (literally) - specifically the god Chuuya, with Arahabaki adding backing vocals.
“Sincerely, Your devoted friend, co-worker, and comrade-in-arms,
Ayato.
P.S. PLEASE don't bring Gon with you, I beg.”
Ayato now winced at the sight of the disgusting Gon, as he slipped the letter back in his pocket. Sure, he hadn’t been yet employed at the university while Gon was a student, but he’d heard more than enough about that nefarious menace to wish for Gon to stay Gone.
Shanks shook his head, “Even the stars do not tell me the truth as you do Ayato, my dear companion.”
Chuuya had just finished the final verse of the classical song ‘Mmmmm Watcha Say’, to applause and kudoses (something both musicians and fanfic authors need aha aha aha).
“Take your seats, loud and obnoxious guests. Ayato, please continue your vows to Yosano,” Belzanoff shouted from Nekozawa’s hand. Yosano momentarily wondered if Ayato even had any rael vows prepared or if this letter was it. The latter seemed to be the case, but she wasn’t fussed.
The teachers ignored the puppet, not bothering to move to the empty seats of the church.
“I should have been the one to walk him down the aisle,” Fukazawa hissed toward Tomoe.
“Instead you walked Deus,” Tomoe covered his mouth as he muffled his laughter, returning Levi’s silent fist bump.
Fukuzawa glared at them from the corner of his eyes.
The other senior teachers did not bother to get involved with such a feud - they really could not care less and also did not understand why Fukazawa was being such a bitch as of late. LITTLE DID THEY KNOW -
Pokkle sat on his hell-throne, watching the events of the wedding through his smashed bedazzled magnifying glass and cackling, shaking his Ciel-clad booties around on his feet.
Nekozawa hissed. “Can I go on with the ceremony? Or will there be further interruptions?”
“Yes! There WILL be interruptions!” Kaname hollered. “I OBJECT to this wedding!”
The crowd gasped and whispered among themselves.
“Because,” Kaname continued, “I should be the one officiating this wedding! I am a rael priest after all! Look, look at these anal bead I carry with me at all times! They have been blessed by the almighty Pokkle Himself! I am the holiest of all priests!” he pulled said beads out of his Pokkle’s pocket - the merchandise or the real thing, we’ll never know.
“I thought you were a monk?” Mustang asked.
“FORMER monk. I converted. For Fukuzawa. For Oxbridge. For Victor in his sexi binbag. Therefore, I am the ONLY choice for this wedding. I am the most committed.”
“Yeah, you should be committed. Committed to the insane asylum!” Nekozawa hissed. “The only being worth worshipping is the god of cats! And as a furry enthusiast, I can relate most to these terrorists, for I also am a crime against humanity.” He motioned to the guests of the lovely bride and groom, their many many terrorist friends who had come to enjoy the wedding of the famous terrorist Ayato.
Sebastian stood up, applauding such true words. Atsushi was at his side, blushing, his cat ears and tail out and erect.
“Actually, Kaname is a deer friend of mine. I want him to officiate this wedding,” Ayato said, placing a hand on Nekozawa’s shoulder. “You were a good stand-in for Kaname while we were awaiting his arrival, but I need you to step down now, because it was always meant to be him. I still value you as a patient. I'll see you next wednesday at our next session. We need to work through your sister issues. It's not normal to be so obsessed with your siblings this way. It would make sense, in fact I would call it neurotypical, if it was your mother, but a sister? Nuh uh, that’s kinda creepy kid.”
Nekozawa sighed, but relented.
“What a nice man,” Kaname muttered, taken aback by Nekozawa. “He cares so much about his sister.” Kaname thought back to his own STEP-sister, who he wanted to marry desperately.
“Yosano, your vows?” Kaname bowed his head in her direction.
She turned to Ayato, gaze blank yet filled with emotion, unfolding a sheet of paper from her skirt pocket.