Zombodie That I Used To Know
Kaname’s heart held in stillness, prayer beads clinking as he rolled them between his fingers.
A laugh drifted through the darkness, a small childish voice echoing throughout the stage.
“How pathetic,” the voice laughed.
The spotlights spun on, twisting to the small boy dressed in shrek green clothing on the stage. His hair: spikey, his body: small-like-a-twelve-year-old’s, his face: ugly.
“Gon Freecs! He has returned!” Shougo cried, chest heaving. His shirt was rumpled, his clothing disheveled. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead, mixing in with the drying blood on his face. Clearly this ceremony had taken a lot out of him. His fans swooned at the sight of him, snapping pictures on their iphone 12s. Levi wished furiously he had his phone on him, but alas it had gone missing, along with the rest of the teachers’.
The elder teachers groaned in annoyance. They remembered this boy. How could they forget? The pain, the suffering this insufferable kohai had put them through. They had secretly felt so blessed when Light Turner had decided to bestow a heart attack on him via his Death Note.
Shanks was the only teacher unsurprised. Still disgusted, but Shanks had read the stars and knew that Gon would return one day, though Shanks had no idea of knowing when.
Gon had one green coloured boot propped on Netero’s face, a grin spread across his face. Death clearly had done wonders for his complexion, he was practically glowing with ethereal light. His body was bent in half, hand resting on his gut as he laughed in an unrestrained fashion. His tiny booty shorts strained against his thick thighs, and as time passed his laughers grew in power.
Shanks turned off his Haki.
“How pathetic,” he repeated. “So weak.” Gon dug the heel of his foot into Netero’s face, nose crunching underfoot. The headmaster’s face was entirely indistinguishable, just bloody and stabbed up, a rolling lump of skull onstage that Gon used as a foot rest.
The crowd went silent in shock.
“If you hadn't been so weak, you may have survived. Look at you - a frail, feeble old man, covered in blood and wrinkles. Alone, filthy, with only your fleas mourning you. It’s pitiful,” Gon continued in his callous, silky tone. He remembered Netero, of course, how could he forget him? Gon had admired the elderly man, the chairman of the Hunter’s association, as he was once the strongest nen user. But now he was dead and therefore of no use to him.
“GOOOOOON!” Leorio cried, tears running down his face! “You're back! I was so worried! You died!” Leorio ran to the stage, embracing Gon’s small body. “He actually died as a sacrifice, to bring you back. Netero-sensei has been a worshipper of you, Gon Freecs, for quite some. Alas even when my father tried to turn him toward Pedophiles Anonymous, Netero continued to erect shrines for you, donate millions in your name, tattoo your face onto his whimpering asshole.”
“Ew. Well now that I'm back, it's time to continue the search for my father, the amazing Ging Freecs. Have you heard of him? Are you all here to tell me stories of how amazing Ging Freecs is? I sure do hope to meet him soon! I sure hope he isn't an asshole!” Gon chattered as he turned away from Netero’s body, giving it one final kick.
‘What a surprise! The name of Gon’s father is the same as my father!’ Leorio thought to himself. ‘That sure is a strange coincidence!’
Before Leorio could reply, he was interrupted-
“YOU PROMISED US WHAT WE WERE SEARCHING FOR!” an audience member cried, “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CHILD??????? HE’S NOT THE FINNY X BARD FANFICTION I’VE BEEN YEARNING FOR!!”
“Fukazawa,” Shanks muttered under his breath, “Did we ever take him off our admissions list, or is Gon technically still a student?”
“Admissions?” Fukazawa hissed, “That was his teacher’s job. Who was his teacher again?”
“He left,” Kakashi hissed in response, “Gon broke him. Twas institutionalised my man.”
“We should have accounted for resurrections,” Shanks shook his head in regret, “We all knew this was a possibility, particularly considering how often Shu returned.”
“Where does Gon go now?” Hawkeye hissed with uncharacteristic urgency. The very idea of that disgusting creature Gon returning to the folds of Oxbridge shook him to his core.
The younger teachers stared up at their usually blase (save for Fukuzawa) seniors, with wide-eyed wonder. Was this ‘Gon’ creature really so fearsome?
“Play it cool,” Fukazawa muttered, “Lay low, don’t let him see us. We’ll sneak out.”
The teachers fell to their hands and knees, sliding into commando crawls to make it out of the crowd, pushing between people’s legs. Sweaty, disgusting, coated in a layer of grime, they all leapt onto their feet once out of sight.
“Oh wow,” Fukazawa’s aged body cracked a little at such physical exertion as he held his aching back and leaned on Tomoe’s arm. He dabbed sweat off his brow, “That was a close one.”
“Too close,” Kakashi’s spine tingled involuntarily, rippling in disgust.
“Guys,” Tomoe piped up, “Levi.”
“Levi?” Shanks gasped girlishly, looking around for the small dark-haired chap in a panic, “Oh no, we lost him! Where did he go?”
“He’s talking to Shougo,” Kakashi’s Sharingan swirled, “He’s bouncing on his feet, bubbling with excitement. He just told Gon that he works at Oxbridge.”
Kaname gasped nervously, his anal beads clinking as he rolled them between his ass cheeks.
“Noooo……...” Hawkeye groaned.
“Yes. And now...well, lets see for ourselves.”
The teachers begrudgingly filed back into the Knottingham Trent ruins, turning just in time to see Levi stand on his tippy toes and press his mouth onto Shougo’s. Shougo’s face, still bloody and dripping with Netero’s juices, left a wet bloody imprint on Levi’s face.
The teachers side-eyed him in irritation and disdain, as well as a teensy weensy bit of judgement.
“He’s normally not so slutty,” Tomoe said in protection of his friend’s reputation. “He’s on a cocktail of drugs right now, enough to kill a horse.”
“Really?” Mustang said to himself, “Not like you two shagged last night or nothing. NOOOO, that didn’t happen at all.” He continued to mutter aloud to himself as the other teachers tactfully pretended not to hear.
The RAEL truth of it all was that he’d secretly known they’d left Levi behind when they first escaped but had kept it to himself. In fact, it had been him all along who had slyly and casually suggested to Levi that he should give his idol Shougo a proper farewell - something Shougo would always remember - before he left. Twas all for the sake of eliminating the ‘competition’.
“And Hawk and Atsushi are with him!” Victor groaned. The two animals were running around Shougo and Gon’s feet, prancing around excitedly.
Shanks was disappointed in himself for not only forgetting to keep an eye on Levi and the bacon, but also his smol wide-eyed bushy-tailed student Atsushi. He had failed as a sensei.
“Most of my fans go in for a hug,” Shougo said good-naturedly, “But for you, Oxbridge-teacher-san, anything.”
“I must say,” Fukazawa piped up in a drawl, pushing through the tittering fans to approach the man, clearly unhappy at being in Gon’s presence, “You’ve done well for yourself, Shougo. I hope you don’t mind the brief time we took you off our alumni list for that terrible prank you did.”
“Oh- the Lelouch prank? Not at all, Fukazawa-sensei. It gave me a good time to reevaluate myself. I went home for a while, but I must say it was like returning to hell.”
“Has my archaeology professor recovered from his insanity, headmaster Fukuzawa? I can't wait to go back to school. Oxbridge is like a home for me!” Gon smiled politely up at the teachers.
“I'm afraid not, Gon. Maybe you'll just have to drop out of Ox-”
“Ahhhh thats okay! I can study by myself. As long as I can cum home to Oxbridge, where all my friends are, then that's okay! I can continue the search for my father- my father, GING FREECS- in my spare time.”
Leorio pulled out his phone, chucking to himself. He sent a quick text to his father, Ging Freecs, about the hilarity of meeting someone else whose father also had the same name!!!
“Ah,” Leorio said, staring at his phone screen, “Almost 6pm, just enough time for me to get home for the husbando to cook me dinner.”
“Six o’clock?” Hawkeye straightened his back, eyes tightening with seriousness, “The wedding. It approaches.”
“We need to get to church and notify Yosano,” Kakashi said with regret, “I really thought we’d find Ayato and bring him to the wedding on time.”
“No,” Victor snapped, “I’ve been carrying this teenager around with me for the entire afternoon, listening to all of you squabble and trail after leads going nowhere. I’ve tried to stop us wasting time - but NOOOOO, you guys HAD to sit around and watch this clown’s performance. All I’ve wanted this entire day is to find my MISSING FIANCEE, who all of you have refused to acknowledge in the duration of this search!”
“Are you done yet?” Mustang said dryly, “I can’t believe this has happened. Dammit to Pokkle’s hell, Ayato.”
“Who’s Ayato?” Gon asked, picking his nose.
“One of the greatest men that has ever lived. But now…. he's gon.” Shanks said wistfully.
“Gon? I’m Gon!” Gon said cheerily, arms folded behind his head anime-style, his eyes closed and shaped like inverted u’s, as he smiled brightly.
Upon opening his eyes he finally noticed Victor. “What a thicc ass you have,” Gon said happily, “without your binbag on it’s actually possible to see your voluptuous bottom, and allow me to say - my eyes are blessed with a capital ‘b’, babes.”
Kaname nodded in agreement, still rolling his anal beads between his fingers and his cheeks.
Victor took a step back, face turning ashen with disgust.
Gon eyed the bleeding Chinese mafia teenager in Victor’s arms then suddenly turned to the teachers expectantly, arms held upward.
They stared at him with revulsion.
“Well, what are you waiting for, then? Carry me,” he snapped his fingers impatiently.
“Uh, what?”
“I’ve been dead for years. I refuse to walk. GO oN then, I don’t have all day,” he kept his arms up impatiently.
Kakashi looked over his shoulder, whistling inconspicuously to divert attention from himself.
“Ugh,” Fukazawa placed both his arms before him, “Hop on, deer.”
He would have asked Kakashi to do it, but he couldn’t even see Kakashi - the sensei was far too inconspicuous.
Gon cackled with glee as Fukuzawa rested the young boy on his hip, “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
It felt very reminiscent of what only felt a few years ago, back when Fukazawa would carry Toddler Ranpo on his hip, his head nestled on his shoulder, the small babyish smell emanating from Gon the same as Toddler Ranpo’s.
“Let’s go, Not-Ranpo,” Fukazawa sighed.