Gilt Trip
Mustang groaned, mouth dry, head pounding. He turned his head to the side, swatting at the thing that was licking his face. Whichever one of the teachers it was, he wasn’t interested in them like that. Unless maybe if it was Tomoe.
“Ugh. Someone shut the curtains,” Fukazawa said weakly. He lay on the floor, on his back, his yakata lapels open a little too wide, exposing his collarbones down to his bellybutton, the luminescent pale skin slick in the sunlight. His silver-grey hair glimmered, messy on the carpeting, matted with sweat, alcohol, and vomit. The light shone directly onto his angular face, illuminating his chapped lips, greyed eyebags, and dangerously sharp cheekbones. Thankfully his yukata was covering his crotch, his commando body still un-deflowered in the eyes of his teachers.
“Ughhh, five more minutes mummy,” Hawkeye groaned, pulling the rug he was using for a blanket over him tighter, smacking his lips.
“TODDLER RANPO!” Fukazawa sat up suddenly, head pounding, he squinted and hissed from the throbbing. “Shit, where is he?? If I don’t feed him he’ll-”
“FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Shanks screamed, windows smashing, “WHERE’S MY ARM!!!!??” he held the healed stump in his other hand, moving erratically, “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” He sat up, stumbled, tried to use his stump to stop his fall having forgotten it was a stump, and landed on his beautiful face.
Shanks’ screams were enough to rouse the other teachers. Hawkeye opened one eye to look at his best friend in disbelief, then closed it again. Shanks would figure it out at some point.
Kaname turned to Fukuzawa, “A toddler, you say?” voice a tired and low yet sexy grumble, an exquisite morning voice. I’d like to meet his 12 brothers winky face.
“Waaaaaa last night was craaaaazy!” Victor sighed, stretching his back, hair ruffled. “I barely remember any of it!” he laughed.
“Last night?” Levi asked, brow furrowed. What DID happen last night? He raised a hand to his head, squinting as he tried to focus. “I don't remember anything either.”
Shanks cradled his stump, rocking, mumbling under his breath.
Mustang hissed in annoyance, turning at whatever was still licking his face. “Atsushi!” he groaned, looking at the full tiger that stood over him, “you shouldn't lick a man’s face like that without consent!” he chided, pushing the beast’s face away from him.
“Wait,” Tomoe sat up with a groan, “Did we take something last night? I’ve been blackout drunk many times, but this…”
Kakashi suddenly shrieked girlishly. His mask!!! Where was it??? He saw a black tablecloth and quickly ripped off a piece, to cover his precious, beautiful face. His face was so beautiful, it was dangerous to the world. If people knew what he really looked like, he would never be left in peace. He had a very sexy tan line from where his mask was always on, something he needed to conceal from the ordinary viewer. It was too powerful. Kakashi shivered, imaging what would happen if someone were to see it, what kind of destruction would occur.
“Shit!” Victor cried, peering at his watch, “it's already noon! Ayato, when was your wedding supposed to be?”
Silence fell in the room.
“Ayato?” Victor called again, trepidation in his voice.
“W-w-where is he?” Kaname asked, rolling his prayer beads in his hand nervously.
“He’ll be around here somewhere, I'm sure,” Fukuzawa announced, but there was uncertainty in his voice.
Levi vomited, showering the tiger with warm vomit. “Sorry, Atsushi,” he groaned, laying down again.
“Ayato!” Hawkeye called, peering into the ensuite.
Even the still shaken up Shanks forgot about his missing arm for a moment to look around for their missing friend.
Fukuzawa began to search the room, looking for a sign of the groom to be. He became more frantic as the minutes passed, running his hands through his hair. Sweat began to bead at his wrinkled yet sublime forehead as he rifled through their belongings scattered around the room.
“Has he messaged the group chat?” Tomoe asked, “Maybe he left us a message - but I can’t find my phone -”
“Shit, neither can I-”
“Fuck-” Hawkeye swore. Had someone stolen their phones? What kind of evil person would STEAL? The pirate was shocked.
In turn, everyone swore, realising their phones were missing.
“A note!” Kakashi suggested, “If all of our phones are missing, perhaps Ayato’s is as well. Maybe he left us a note somewhere - there must be a receipt -”
“But where???” Fukazawa threw the envelope under his pillow onto the floor, scrambling for the telltale receipt which would disclose the location of their frriendo. There must have been something!!! He scoured the bed, the bedside table, everyone frantically searched for the receipt they knew Ayato must have left for them.
Levi looked around on the floor and then groaned. Here was Atsushi, doing his… business. Right there on the floor. Like an animal. He’d thought he wouldn’t have to deal with this (literal) shit since his days of cleaning up after Marco but here he was again.
“Least you could do is help,” Levi hissed to Atsushi, who was being useless as always. Where was the entrepreneurship Atsushi had displayed when he’d acted as a drug mule? Where were the (albeit small) ounce of braincells the young boy had proven he had?
The tiger stared back at him blankly, lazily running a paw over its ears, delicately washing its face.
“Guys - guys!” Everyone looked to Victor, thinking he’d found the missing piece. Fukazawa even relaxed a little, albeit prematurely.
“Has anyone seen Soma?” He asked desperately, only just realising his fiancee was missing.
Tomoe rolled his eyes. Victor was, like, soooo obsessed with Soma.
Mustang shrugged, “no sorry mate. Anyway, where on EARTH could Ayato be?”
“What's the last thing we all remember from last night? Maybe it could help if we all retrace our steps?” Kakashi suggested.
Fukuzawa snapped his fingers. “An excellent idea!’ he nodded in approval to the English teacher.
“We drank some sake,” Shanks said slowly, trying to remember the sequence of events, “It was around midnight, we never left Inosuke’s bar.” Hawkeye side-eyed Shanks. Thankfully, the lad had clearly remembered he’d lost his arm many moons ago, and that the stump was not a fresh wound.
“Yes,” Mustang said. “Ban was drinking with us, he mentioned he was Fukazawa’s old buddy though he didn’t mention how they met. Something about Toddler Ranpo and Elaine.”
Fukuzawa cleared his throat, “ah yes, moving on… I believe we continued to drink there for a while longer…”
“And then… nothing,” Hawkeye finished for him.
“We have to go to the Hog’s Head and question Inosuke and Ban. Maybe Ayato is still there - perhaps he was too drunk to bring back,” Levi suggested, though he knew it was unlikely. They’d never leave a sole survivor behind, it was rule 33b of the 420 gang.
“Maybe Soma is there too,” Victor said hopefully.
“To the Hog’s Head!” cried Kaname, fist in the air.
“Yeahhhhh!” The teachers all punched the air too.
The orange-with-black-stripes-NOT-white tiger growled. The teachers ignored him, but side-eyed Atsushi for being so rude. He, like, didn’t have any manners.
-
The 420 gang plus the tiger arrived at the Hog’s Head sweaty and concerned. Their hearts raced, hoping beyond hope that they would find Ayato waiting for them, but knew it was a slime chance.
“Guys how come I’m wearing a wedding ring lol,” Tomoe appraised his hand, “Yo Victor is this yours?”
“Maybe we got married last night aha,” Mustang said gruffly.
Levi and Tomoe snorted. Mustang snorted too, of course he was mostly joking.
Victor looked away sadly, thinking of the still-missing Soma.
Inosuke stood behind the bar, washing the glasses in bleach. He took a short sip of the fluid from one of his tumblers, he’d forgotten to brush his teeth that morning. Ichigo stood behind Inosuke, watching with bated breath, waiting for his moment to take the bleach away.
“Inosuke!” Hawkeye’s voice boomed, “is Ayato here?”
“Whomst?” Inosuke asked.
“Our therapist! It's his wedding today!” Mustang shouted.
“Ahhh congratulations on your marriage!” he replied, noticing the ring on Tomoe’s hand. “Mustang and Tomoe, I knew you guys would make it! Through all of the turbulence that is being a rampant homosexual in an elite institution such as Oxbridge - you showed those white guys who’s boss!”
Fukazawa cleared his throat, “I am Japanese.”
“And I'm a hog! Nice to meet you Japanese!” Inosuke held his hand out to shake.
“Stop being a fool!” Shanks shouted (uncharacteristically), slapping Inosuke’s hand away, his voice deep, vibrating the walls with the haki he infused into it. “Tell us where Ayato is! The man we were with last night, he has chin-length navy locks, messy bangs tousled on his brow, pink pouty lips. You might recognize him from this mugshot taken in his terrorist days-”
“Hmmmm, I'm not sure. Maybe I need something to… refresh my memory,” Insosuke held his hand out expectantly.
The teachers turned to each other in exasperation. Levi then shouldered his way to the front of the group. “No problem brothers, I got this,” he said, handing Inosuke a small packet of cocaine.
“Ah yes! I think my memory is getting clearer now!” Inosuke announced. “That man, he is not here.”
The tiger yowled, tearing at Inosuke’s bartop, splintering it in his jaw. He then stood beside Ban and went pee pee.
Ichigo took advantage of the chaos to leap and grab the whole bottle of Bleach for himself, gulping it down before Inosuke could take it away from him again. All Bleach was his and ONLY his.
“What did you do to us? Why can't we remember what happened last night? Or where Ayato is?” Mustang demanded.
“Or Soma,” Victor piped up with worry in his tone.
“Ahhhh, you're probably feeling the effects of the Rohypnol.”
“I'm sorry, the what now?” Hawkeye’s eyebrows shot up.
“Others would say, you got roofied pals.”
“You roofied us????” Fukuzawa mumbled in shock.
“Bro, I asked you what you wanted to drink next after you drank my WHOLE supply of sake. You asked me to surprise you,” Inosuke pointed to Ichigo, waving at Ban to apprehend the thief. “I’m a well-known cocaine dealer. I assumed you were asking for something extra special, and I’ll have you know my roofies are in very short supply. As my deer friends and supporters of my small business, I thought I would give you a little gift. Sex on the beach with a twist. The twist was the Rohypnol.”
“Oh, you,” Levi said, sniffling. “That’s so sweet.”
Inosuke beamed and blushed slightly.
Ichigo knelt on the floor, aghast, staring at his fingers that held the remnants of the bleach spilt in his and Ban’s scuffle. He had defeated Ban with his soul-reaper powers but at what cost??? In his insurmountable grief, he could not see the point of having these powers, winning these battles, getting stronger, when that which he loved most was still taken from him. His fingers shakily scraped against floors that were now clean and shiny, trying desperately to find a few drops he could still salvage. He had dedicated his life in service of bleach but had failed, painfully, what kind of protector was he??? An incompetent one, he thought bitterly. He should reap his OWN soul, and go to Hell, Pokkle’s domain, like he deserved.
“Guys,” Kaname clapped his hand to get everyone’s attention, “As sweet as it is, we still don’t know where Ayato or the little Indian kid are.”
“The Indian kid???” Inosuke gasped, “SOMA?? Soma is missing?? Soma-chan?” Inosuke shook his head feverhently, as if he were struggling to comprehend it. “Soma is the only reason I let you in yesterday! My sweet sweet Indian child, where have you gone, perhaps you are with Hawk,” Inosuke hugged his arms to himself, mumbling, “When I was small you came to me, you brown-skinned prince, you told me to follow my dreams...oh, where have you gone!! My deerest friend!!”
Victor squeezed Inosuke’s shoulder comfortingly, understanding Inosuke’s pain very well, as he hung his own head in despair. Yet again, Inosuke’s cheeks flushed a rosy colour underneath his mask. People were being so sweet to him today! He felt spoiled from all the attention (a feeling that that CHOPPER would never know).
“We must continue to retrace our steps! If Ayato isn't here nor at the hotel, he must be somewhere else! What time did we leave last night?” Fukazawa addressed his coworkers.
“Ah, then maybe I can help you with that!” Inosuke cried suddenly. “You left at around 1am, saying you were searching for a strip club. And honestly I was upset. I could have stripped for you all. I am a very sexy man, so sexy some even think I am a woman. Under this mask, is a face. A face that could have been anything! A model! A can opener! But no, you all left. And I was alone, with only my cocaine and my deerest cousin, Ban, to keep me company.”
“Why would we pay you to strip when you're already half naked?” Victor asked, appraising the boar’s rippling abs, on show for everyone to see (and admire).
“A strip club…” Tomoe considered, “There’s a new one quite close by, but since the Oxbridge brothels opened I never bothered to go there.” Tomoe started thinking of the Oxbridge brothels, of how his young ex-student Kenji now worked in them to pay off his debt from his farm.
Kaname was thinking the same thing, stroking his chin, remembering everything there was to remember…
Shanks clapped his hand against his thigh to get everyone’s attention, announcing, “To the strip club we go!”