The Grandmaster Of Erotic Cultivation
It felt like another universe. Levi led the 420 gang into the establishment. But strip clubs weren’t things of the day, to be there now with the sun out felt inherently wrong, a surreal experience. Levi shivered.
“Yo, what can I do for you big bros? Leave something behind last night?” Johnny was loudly chewing his gum while sweeping.
“Johnny?” Hawkeye asked.
“Oh HEYYY bro, how’s big bro Zoro?” Johnny asked cheerily. “I miss that guy. Always invite him down here, but the poor sod gets lost.”
Hawkeye looked around the room. Johnny had applied for Oxbridge alongside Zoro, but unfortunately his application didn’t succeed. And this was where he had ended up? Cleaning for a strip club, still wearing the same blue hoody, dark shirt, white trousers and dark sunglasses that he always had? He looked so unremarkable, he was barely a memorable guy. He looked like someone who would only be around for like 2 episodes out of over 800, that you immediately forgot about. Besides, who the heck wears sunglasses indoors? Hawkeye was a firm believer in dressing to the 9s at all times. That was why he was always in his dapper, highly fashionable, valued in the millions, attire that had once received the high praise from the Queen of England herself - ‘looks like something a kid’s magician would wear’.
Johnny tipped his head to the side, noticing Tomoe, “Oooooh, you must be looking for Diabolus,” he said with a smirk, “He’s round back, I’ll get him for you.”
“Diabolus?” Tomoe said blankly once Johnny had left, “Who the fuck is that?”
“Diabolus Ex Machina, stage name of Deus, the ex-headteacher of Knottingham Trent. I’d wondered what he was doing nowadays to make ends meet…” Fukuzawa looked around the greasy, dark, smelly place. The notorious Knottingham Trent headmaster had ended up like this, had he, in squalor, living like swine? Fukazawa ran his tongue over his teeth to avoid smiling. Oh how the great fall. Deus foolishly thought he could best Oxbridge when it came to fundraising for charity, and in exchange Fukazawa got to watch his entire life burn up in flames.
Diabolus approached them, scantily clad in his strippers attire, which consisted of super high heels, long stockings, and some lacey shit over his shoulders. Mustang and Kaname cringed, for never had such an ungraceful creature ever existed.
Diabolus eyed the group, eyes lighting up when he spotted Tomoe. “My love!” he cried, holding his arms open to embrace him. He pulled the man close to his bosom, breathing in his scent.
“What?” Tomoe asked, shocked to his core. He prised himself from Diabolus’ grip, beautiful face wrinkled in disgust.
“Oh deer husband, why did you leave me last night? Our bed was still warm when I awoke but alas you had already left me, covered in the juices of our lovemaking. Familiars have so many sweet juices to drink. Blood, sweat, tears, cum… so much cum. I was worried we’d drown.”
“What?” Tomoe repeated, his eyes wide and pupils dilated. His whole body shook. Diabolus assumed it was with desire.
Diabolus continued as if uninterrupted, “Such a forbidden love is ours, but alas we have broken every taboo, a fox spirit and a god being wed in holy matrimony. Oh when you asked me my heart soared, I gasped for breath, considering you stopped waterboarding me with your juices. And what could I say but ‘aye’ when Fukazawa walked me down the aisle and you waited for me at the other end, eyes glazed over, skimming over my bare thighs. These other kind men were our lovely bridesmaids, filling the hall with laughter and joy as they stumbled around and threw rose petals in our honour. And sweet sweet Kaname, wedding us and pronouncing us man and wife, I have never been such a beautiful bride. Here, let me show you pictures.”
Victor eagerly leaned forward to look at these pictures, rummaging for his phone, hoping the pictures could be AirDropped to him. But alas! That Diabolus was too poor to afford an Iphone, he had a crappy Nokia instead. He also suddenly remembered he didn’t have his own phone either. It had disappeared along with the other teachers’.
Tomoe took a step back, lightheaded. He placed a hand on his brow. But when Diabolus presented the 420 gang with photographic evidence of the previous night’s events he remembered back to Nanami’s suicide and considered joining her.
The pictures showed a story of a small, low-budget, grim ceremony. Diabolus was the blushing bride, wearing a frilly, fish-tailed wedding gown that looked so cheap it must have been bought at, like, a commoner’s store such as House of Fraser or something (House of Pauper, they should call it). The veil was like sixty feet and laced with what looked a little too much like anal beads. A (comparative to the large god) tiny Fukazawa clung to his arm, walking him down the aisle, wiping away a stream of tears. Tomoe waited at the end for his wifey-to-be, vomiting down the side of the stage, as his best man Levi drunkenly tried ‘cleaning’ up the vomit with the other teachers’ fancy swords (the ones they brought out just for special occasions such as bachelor parties). Kaname stood next to them as the minister, a stupid, hazed look on his flushed face, giggling idiotically. Shanks and Hawkeye stumbled and swayed down the aisle, arms linked, as they threw flower petals around, causing the petals to drill holes right through the walls with the force of the Haki-infused petals used. Kakashi looked like he was Egyptian-dancing, his mask slipping off slightly to reveal his dangerous, too-beautiful-for-the-world-to-see nose. Victor and Ayato followed, Victor expertly leading the other man in a drunken waltz down the aisle, holding onto a bouquet of weeds in their linked hands. Clearly, the bridesmaids had been inspired to dance down the aisle by one of their favourite animes, The Office (second only to their all-time favourite, 13 Raisins Wan), but unfortunately none of them except Victor had the grace to pull it off. Mustang was in the audience, his eyes unfocused and his face red, fist in the air, presumably ‘objecting’ to the union. The pictures seemed to show no signs of Soma however. Why wasn’t he there when everyone else was accounted for? Even Johnny was present, sobbing in happiness.
Johnny now wiped a tear from his face, “So beautiful,” he muttered.
Fukazawa held his hand to his face, trying to conceal his disgust. Tomoe and Diabolus? How could he share a joint with a man he knew had been with such a disgraceful and disgusting god?
Mustang appeared to be equally disappointed by the news.
“Please, focus,” Shanks said loudly, breaking through everyone’s distraction. “We’re missing Ayato. Diabolus, was he with us here last night?”
“Ayato? You mean the young blue-haired chap...ah, he was refusing to look at any of us strippers, he was such a sweetie pie.” Diabolus said dreamily.
“Don’t utter his name,” Fukazawa snarled, “Just tell us where he is and go back to the hole you came from.”
Johnny gasped, turning to Tomoe, “Are you going to let him talk to your husband like that??”
“Please,” Tomoe gasped, “Just stop. Stop.”
Diabolus tittered at the sound of his sweetheart’s voice, blushing. “For Tomoe, anything...Ayato was at my wedding and was with you guys for the entire night, as far as I remember. He was with you at the ceremony, and when you all so sweetly sat outside our bedroom door and cheered us on, he was there. He was so encouraging and supportive, even explaining through the other side of the door how thinking of our mothers would make the sexy times even more passionate. And I must say it worked! But of course I passed out sometime during mine and my husband’s lovemaking fest, overtaken by the heights Tomoe took me to, blacking out after far too many orgasms. I promise you Tomoe, at this point I most certainly must be pregnant with our child, for we made love so many times and far too intensely,” Diabolus caressed his lower belly, daydreaming.
Tomoe vomited all over the tiger, in the same spot as Levi. He did not bother apologising. The tiger rudely growled and bared its sharp teeth. It crouched, ready to pounce on the fox spirit in retaliation. Shanks sighed and carefully let a very small amount of his Conqueror’s Haki seep out, enough to control the tiger but not so much that it would affect anyone else. The tiger immediately collapsed on the floor in submission. Shanks didn’t LIKE using his powers, even in the bare minimum, on his deer, beloved students but that Atsushi was just out of control today. What was he thinking, trying to attack a teacher? Or was that a new way of flirting the kids did these days? It was so cringe! Besides, there was no time for any of that right now.
“Ah are you here to return the tiger you stole?” Johnny asked, still affronted at how poorly Fukazawa was treating Diabolus.
“Stole? That’s our student, Atsushi,” Victor said in a ‘duh’ tone.
“Oh? What can you teach a tiger?” Johnny asked with a frown.
“How to shove watermelons up his arse?” Victor replied, perplexed, thinking about Atsushi’s famous and lucrative OnlyFans.
“Cum to the back entrance, my love. Our boss was expecting your arrival,” Diabolus said, giving Tomoe a flirtatious look from the corner of his eye.
The teachers wordlessly followed the god to the private backroom, confused but intrigued. Who was this boss?
“Shalom.” Three identical chinese men bowed to them. They wore long flowing robes, headbands ON, dicks OUT. This meant serious business.
“Greetings Oxbridge, we meet again,” an old man said, sitting formally in his wheelchair.
“Uh, who are you?” Shanks scratched his forehead with his stump.
“I am Lan Zhan, and you have something of mine,” he replied mysteriously.
A young lad in red robes sat in the corner of the room, skin taut with youth. Around his forehead was a headband that had obviously belonged to the old man at one point as it matched the design of his bathrobe perfectly. His eyes were shut as he played the flute.
“Ugh, it’s the Chinese mafia,” Kakashi said with concealed disgust, “That kid’s cultivating a ghost.” Kakashi thought back to the time when he died and the Chinese mafia tried to question him beyond the grave by playing Inquiry. But what made them think he was willing to give spoilers to the end of his erotica trilogy simply because he was dead?
“I thought the head of the Chinese Mafia was called Lan Wanji,” Kaname helpfully supplemented.
“I thought it was Hanguang-Jun,” Levi replied.
“Oh, I totally thought he went by the Twin Jade of Lan.” Hawkeye mentioned.
They continued to mutter between themselves until they were quite RUDELY interrupted.
“The tiger,” Lan Zhan growled. “Give me back my tiger.”
“Huh? What do you want with Atsushi?” Victor asked.
“I do not know of this… Atsushi. But that there,” he pointed to the orange and black striped tiger that was currently malting beside them, “is my tiger. His name is Ihsusta, and he is my best friend.”
“Honk! Honk honk!”
“Oh my, you should totally get your disciple in check,” Fukazawa winced at the unsavoury noise.
“IT’S ME GUYS!” A large pig in a metal cage screamed, “I’M HAWK, INOSUKE’S COUSIN!!” the pig in question was wearing stockings and garters and bright red lipstick. He was in the corner of the room.
“What an ugly woman,” Tomoe frowned.
“In addition to STEALING my tiger last night during your drunken escapades around my fine establishment, The Grandmaster of Erotic Cultivation, you are also Oxbridge teachers no? The students of Oxbridge have acquired a rather large debt with us, the Chinese Mafia, after Chuuya-kun stole a large supply of our noseclams,” Lan Zhan continued.
Hawkeye shook his head disapprovingly, “That would be my student. I will have to have a word with him about being involved with such dangerous people as the mafia. I needed to speak to him anyway as I was going to compliment him generously for winning the Battle of the Bands competition on his lonesome against The SerVamps - I was even going to say his performance was ‘adequate’ - but I guess he does not deserve the praise.”
The flute-playing man in the red robe stilled for a moment before continuing to play, alas how he dreamed of being Chuuya-san’s accompanist for one song, what a rush!
“GUYSSSS IT’S ME, HAWK!!” the pig squealed again, though no one acknowledged its cries.
“How much of a debt are we talking?” Fukuzawa asked impatiently. He was anxious to get going, they still had to find Ayato.
“Oooooh, I'd say about… 690,690,690,690,690 pounds???” one of Lan Zhan’s lackeys replied.
Kakashi tutted. “And why couldn't Kyoya or Tamaki pay that off themselves? Tis merely pocket change no?” he asked as he pulled off his Rolex watch and threw it in Lan Zhan’s face. He was glad he decided to wear his cheapest one that day, it most certainly came in handy.
“He's free to go,” Lan Zhan nodded at his attendant to open the pig cage, freeing Hawk.
“HONK! Thanks guys!” Hawk cried, stretching his legs as he strutted from his confinement.
“Ew, why are you giving us this thing?” Victor asked, disgusted. He had never seen a talking animal before, and he couldn't hide his shiver of revulsion.
“That was the deal we made. The pig would be released once we received the payment. And honestly I'm glad to be rid of him. I've never seen a talking animal before, and it's just disgusting. The filthy little creature almost made me break my vow of vegetarianism, simply from my Untamed desire to watch it suffer,” Lan Zhan shivered.
“We have to keep that creature with us?” said Tomoe in disgust. He didn’t mind the debt being paid off but, like, he could have done without the extra ‘baggage’. He would sooo be talking about this with Levi in their gossip seshes.
Levi was side-eyeing the pig himself, clearly not a fan of anyone else, even if it was a pet, joining the EXCLUSIVE 420 gang in their adventure.
Diabolus giggled, “It can be our practice child, my love, so we can see how great parents we’ll be!” he grabbed Tomoe’s arm and tugged it as if moving him toward the pig. Diabolus’ womb throbbed. What would the child of a god and a fox spirit look like, anyway? Diabolus hoped it took the best of both of their features - his 20ft height, and Tomoe’s excellent taste in men. It would of course be gay, was there any other way of being? Diabolus considered, though he briefly recalled the two bizarre students Chuuya and Sanji who for some reason insisted on pretending to be straight.
Tomoe yanked his arm out of Deus’ (refusing to use the ridiculous stage name ‘Diabolus’ for any longer) grip, his face contorted in fury, holding back his vomit. How dare this disgusting, gigantic creature claim him as his familiar and his husband.
“I have no such tastes in men,” Tomoe snapped.
Mustang hovered in the background, seething, he’d never heard such upsetting news, and he’d participated in a genocide.
Deus let out a high-pitched giggle, “If you close your eyes, you won’t even notice,” he said, jutting his hip out ‘just so’.
Fukazawa vomited on the tiger, in the same place as his predecessors Levi and Tomoe. In the process of leaning over to further ruin the tiger’s fur his yukata lapels split a little too far open, revealing the pearly skin of his collarbones and a slight nip slip. Johnny found his eyes travelling over that old man’s abdomen in excitement and pleasure. Diabolus had found the love of his life in this strip club, perhaps Johnny was also destined to meet his husbando here. Johnny looked slowly down the open yukata, wondering if he was commando in the nether region as well. He blushed deeply at the thought.
Lan Wanji lent forward with intrigue, following the opening of Fukazawa’s yukata. He didn’t know that Fukazawa was going commando, as he always did.
“Take this,” Fukazawa groaned, pushing Deus to Lan. Deus tripped over his very high heels, falling into Lan’s lap.
“Argh! My wheelchair!” Lan Wanji shouted, shoving Deus’ comically large body onto the floor. Tomoe’s lip curled in disgust, how could he have slept with - married - such a foul being?
Deus’ head cracked against the concrete floor, the skin spitting and the skull fracturing into cocaine-esque dust. His whole head was pulverised, the brain sliding onto the floor like a wet osterreich. Luckily the blood did NOT get onto the tiger, he was dirty enough as it was.
“Anyway…” Lan Zhan drawled. “The tiger?” he beckoned it expectantly with one finger, with his best ‘come hither’ look. Like, so rude.
“Yip yip!” Victor slapped Atsushi’s ass (it wasn’t creepy if, like, the student wasn’t a human, right?) (speaking of being creepy around students, where the hell was Soma?). “Go get them Atsushi!”
The tiger was extremely startled and VERY creeped out to have his ass so suddenly slapped, he would have thought it harassment had the man in question not been so beautiful. White men can get away with so much. Despite this, the tiger felt a primal act of rage building inside of him, and he drew back his lips in a snarl.
Ihsusta lept for Lan, his furry tiger muscles clenching over his ribs, body stretched out as he emitted a waaaaaaa-like growl. At his full length, his body was long like a slinky, stretching out to almost infinity.
“My face!” Lan screamed, “My beautiful face! This is what I used at the youthful age of fifty to bed him,” Lan pointed to Mo, who was now playing the flute with more fervour, “at the wonderfully pubescent age of 15! And not a day has gone by where my face has served me wrong!”
“Here here,” the disciples echoed.
Sweat pebbled on Mo’s forehead, he had the most wonderful time in his young teenage years when Lan kissed him without permission, he’d never forget it.
Kaname scrutinised the scene, trying not to think too many things, wondering how much he would have to pay Kenji to participate in some sneaky three-way activity. Probably not too much. Kenji’s rates were the cheapest in the brothels.
“Cheerio,” said Hawkeye in his deadpan tone, tipping his hat to the Chinese mafia. They were clearly busy with the tiger, who was still rampaging and tearing off people’s faces. Hawkeye spared a glance at Deus, now a headless corpse with a puddle of dust. What a weak man.
“Let’s go,” Shanks’ voice rang authoritatively (Johnny collapsed at the sexi dominance. Or maybe it was Haki. No, it was definitely the sexiness), “Ayato awaits.”
All of the teachers turned and left, Fukazawa squeezing Tomoe’s shoulder. As much as he hated the thought of touching something Deus had come close to - the pit of disgust in his stomach churned and he swallowed back more vomit - he could not stand the thought of one of his dearest companions thinking he was hated. No, he would not allow Deus such power.
Hawk blew a raspberry at the mafia, his long tongue wagging at the young men, spittle spraying their faces, before turning to go, his rump wagging with every step. The mafia watched him go, their mouths salivating at the sight. Oh they would miss him alright.
-
The tiger seemed to have decided to follow the teachers as they left the strip club. It followed behind Levi, keeping its snout planted firmly next to Levi’s ass.
“ATSUSHI! Go away, you’re being so cringe!” cried Levi, incensed. What was that boy thinking, to be sniffing another’s man’s bottom like that? Didn’t he know Levi had no such tastes in men?
In response, the insolent tiger purred and whined, nudging against Levi’s Levi jeans’ back pocket/butt cheek.
“Okay that’s it! The 420 gang’s just trying to hang out, and you’re ruining it! You’re making it weird, and you’re ruining it!” complained Levi.
(“What’s the 420 gang?” Victor asked Kakashi who just shrugged impassively.)
Hurt at being berated, the tiger whined again and bared its teeth, trying but failing to take a cheeky nip at Levi’s rear (after all, what kind of Atsushi would he be if he wasn’t obsessed with assholes - others’ as well as his own).
“Do that again, and I will kill you,” threatened Levi, eyes glinting with unbridled fury.
“Levi!” reproached Fukazawa, motioning for Shanks to step in. The last thing the prestigious university, Oxbridge University, needed was more bad rep with staff members attacking their own students even though said student could regenerate - and even came back to life once - anyway (the damn media always left these important details out in their reports).
“Atsushi. Here, boy. Yip yip,” said Shanks kindly, beckoning the tiger over (ready to withdraw his hand at a moment’s notice if the filthy, vomit soaked tiger came too close). There was something different about Atsushi’s tiger form today but in his hungover, hazy state, Shanks did not spare it much thought. Not that it was important anyway.
The tiger peered up at Shanks cautiously and took a few hesitant steps towards him - before changing its mind, and rubbing itself affectionately against Levi again, right in the place where he kept his emergency weed stash (his Levis’ pocket NOT his Pokkle’s pocket).
Levi scowled and opened his mouth to admonish the animal once more, but then paused. Why would Atsushi choose to stay at his side?? Unless…. His eyes widened. Did Atsushi think of Levi as his… senpai?
“Baka,” snapped Levi, looking away, cheeks flushing.
He’d never been chosen as a Senpai before. Especially not in lieu of Shanks, whom he secretly thought of as his own Senpai as well (he was just a kid in his early 30s that needed a Senpai after all. As soon as he’d arrived at Oxbridge as a wide-eyed, bushy-tailed youth, he’d picked Shanks to fit the role even if Shanks himself was unaware).
Levi hesitantly reached out and quickly petted the tiger’s ears (the only part of it that was clean). The tiger moaned at his touch. All the men present (Levi included) cringed, but Levi reminded himself it was all part of the parcel of being Senpai for a little kouhai.
“Erm hey, if you ever need weed or whatever, you know where to find me,” muttered Levi gruffly, keeping his chin up to maintain an air of aloofness, marching forward, but now allowing the tiger to stick closely by him. And stick closely the tiger did, sniffing his pocket (Levis’ AND Pokkle’s this time) shamelessly.
“Is Levi all right?” Victor asked Tomoe under his breath, both of them staring at the janitor.
Tomoe stroked his fox tail, looking at the heterosexual Levi and wondering why he was accepting tiger!Atsushi’s advances.
“I’m not sure,” Tomoe had to selfishly acknowledge that he didn’t have the capacity to figure out Levi’s problem in that moment. Hungover from roofies, learning he’d fucked the god Deus and trying to find the runaway groom Ayato - his plate was full already.
Kakashi overheard the conversation of the two younger professors, his hearing gladly aided by the Haki Shanks temporarily infused his ears with.
The English professor sighed, lowering his mask to reveal his Sharingan. His eye swirled as ones Sharingan eye did. He honed in on Levi’s toned ass - wow, what was Levi’s workout regime? Kakashi licked his lips. In the right movie role, that ass would make him a lot of money. But no, no, focus on the task at hand. Kakashi adjusted his gayze. In Levi’s back pocket was a baggie of a weed hybrid, weed plus catnip. So THAT’S what tiger!Atsushi was after! But then again, that ass...the student could be motivated by either.