To Slut Dropping
Naruto stood before the entire class - he, Sasuke, and Sakura - clearing his throat, he began in a steady tone,
“Two Moris, both alike in dignity,
In fair A Pocket, where we lay our scene,
From ancient Sheffield Harem break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd Pickled Dildos take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their Armin bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their Shitty love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could Brooming,
Is now the 69 hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with Bootiful Frozen Corpse Penis attend,
What here shall Sucking, our toil shall strive to mend.”
Kakashi boredly turned the page his book manuscript he was reading, “So, was he reading correctly in iambic pentameter, or not?”
Sasuke clicked his pen on the table, waiting silently for someone else to reply.
Sakura was doing the same, only because she was too stupid to have the response herself.
“Guys, we did this last week,” Kakashi looked up from his manuscript, “My most recent erotica was entirely in iambic pentameter, did no one read it?”
Sasuke avoided eye contact with Kakashi.
Sakura held her hand up eagerly, “I read it, I read it!”
“Then come to the front and read it aloud. Make sure to maintain the iambic beats, incantate properly, make sure your voice travels.”
Sakura giggled and ran to the front of the class, pushed past Naruto who was carting his 1300-pg edition of the Norton Shakespeare around and ignored him when he dropped it. “The opening of Kakashi-sensei’s newest published erotica, ok, ok -
“To Fingering, or not to Fingering,--that is the question:--
Whether 'tis more Kawaii in the mind to Sucking
The Teats and Deez Nuts of Engorged fortune
Or to take Lord Goo against a sea of Lelouch,
And by opposing end them?--To die,--to Nutting,--
No more; and by a Nutting to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand Sleeveless shocks
That flesh is heir to,--'tis a Sequined Binbag
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die,--to Slut Dropping;--
To Slut Dropping! perchance to dream:--ay, there's the Feet;
For in that Slut Dropping of death what dreams may come,
When we have Kissed off this mortal Hannah Baker,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so Pouty life…”
The doors of the lecture theatre slammed open, the doors hitting the walls with enough force to shatter the brick and mortar into dust. Levi stood framed in the doorway, sweat on his brow and a ruffled collar. He ran in with no shoes on, bare feet padding on the floor, shirt unbuttoned, fly down, breathless, clearly rushed. The light speckled perfectly over his sharp jawline, his black hair glistening, chest heaving.
“Oh, a message? What is it Levi-san?” Kakashi asked, intrigued. What had the janitor so riled up?
“It's terrible! Terrible news. H-he, he's getting married!” Levi gasped.
The book Kakashi was holding fell to the ground with a thump. It was met with an overbearing silence.
Kakashi could barely compose himself. “No, no surely not?” he raised a hand to his brow, stumbling backwards slightly over his own feet. He braced himself against the desk, lost in thought. “How could he?”
Levi looked to Kakashi, a glaze of tears making his eyes shimmer. His breath was shaky, face pale. His toes dug into the floor, betraying his discomfort. “It's true. Ayato is getting married, tomorrow!”
Sasuke gasped. It couldn’t be true! Not the only man he would ever love! He never expected things with Yosano to get this far, she was always a passing fancy - at least that’s what Sasuke tried to convince himself. He’d spent night after night dreaming for that sexy blue-haired terrorist. He’d even downloaded one of those ‘What Would Your Baby Look Like?’ apps and theirs looked just like Renesme from Twilight, a face with a sheen of CGI over it.
Kakashi’s shock turned to anger. “No. no no no no. nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” he bellowed, head turned to the ceiling. His mask had fallen off one side of his face, Sharingan eye swirling - he looked more menacing than he ever had. He shook his hair out, jaw gritted, lips quivering in anger.
Sakura stared at him wide-eyed with a blush on her face. She tenderly caressed her womb. One day she would be carrying a sharingan child, she swore to herself.
“We cannot allow this to happen. Not while we still live and breathe! Quickly, gather the teachers! We must convene at once!” Kakashi cried, already sprinting out of the room, leaving his students behind.
-
Thunder clapped. Pokkle was playing with his favourite toy, Zeus’s Lightning Bolt. He’d just struck some children down with it, it was, like, really funny.
Fukazawa’s face was briefly illuminated by the spark, cheeks seeming gaunt with horror. His lips were pursed, hair perfectly mussed over his shoulder and brow. He was holding a tumbler of dark spirits and took a deep gulp.
Another bolt of thunder. Shanks threw the door open, shaking his stump with anger, howling with rage.
Mustang was already seated at the round table, head in hands. Kaname sat upright in his chair, slipping prayer beads through his fingers and muttering furiously. Hawkeye was sharpening one of his blades in the dim, greyed light from beyond the window. Victor stood on point by the fireplace, clearly trying to distract himself by practising some ice skating moves. Tomoe’s ears lay flattened on his head in anxiety as he worked his way through his pack of cigarettes.
Levi skidded into the room barefoot, unbuttoned shirt flapping around his torso, his Levis slipping down due to his still open fly. He waddled to the nearest seat, jeans around his ankles.
Kakashi followed, Sharingan eye the only light source of the room.
Fukuzawa put his tumbler down slowly, still facing out to the darkness. “You’ve heard, I presume?”
“How could we not? This is outrageous news. Despicable!” Mustang spat, slamming his fist down on the table, rattling the glasses.
“How dare he? How FUCKING dare he. Planning a marriage, an entire wedding, without even BOTHERING to let us throw a bachelor party?” Tomoe hissed.
“I’ve never been so disgusted,” Hawkeye said vehemently, still sharpening his sword, “With such little decorum, he didn’t even tell us he was getting married.”
“I'm just as disappointed as all of you,” Fukuzawa said sadly. “But it's not too late. The wedding is tomorrow at six PM. That gives us…” he peered at the sky, looking down at his pocket watch. “Many hours.”
“That's just enough time to get drunk as shit and still sober up the next day for the ceremony!” Kaname cried
“I agree,” Fukazawa said somberly, “And get drunk as shit we shall.”
-
“Oh...wow,” Ayato looked around the hog’s head, trying hard not to focus too much on the grease-caked windows, the ill-lighting, the stickiness of the floor and the general stifling aroma of the pub. “This place is...nice.” He wasn’t sure HE would choose to have a bachelor party in such an establishment, but he was coming to please his coworkers regardless, all of whom made it clear that it was imperative Ayato celebrate his imminent wedding with them.
“Jeez with the sarcasm,” Hawkeye muttered, “Like you gave us loadssss of time to plan this shebang.”
At once they were met by a man, the bartender. He was a strange man. They were unsure if he even was a man. Or maybe he was a beast? He stood bare-chested, his muscles rippling, twitching with anticipation. On his head was the THE hogs head- a mask, made out of old leathered skin.
“WELCOME!” he shouted, voice slightly muffled by the mask. “DRINK. GET A DRINK. MAKES YOU STRONGER! If you drink enough maybe you'll be strong enough to fight me! Inosuke Hashibira!” he laughed manically. He stared at the group through his mask and shivered at the overwhelming power he sensed from the teachers. His muscles tensed at the thought of challenging them to fight, but alas, he has bills to pay- to destroy his pub is to destroy his livelihood, one he had worked hard to acquire.
“We know who you are, Inosuke,” Fukazawa drawled. “It’s me, Fukuzawa. I gave you that permit to sell deer-related products on campus.”
Inosuke blushed deeply. “You...remember me?”
The teachers all stared at him from their seats, wordless. They wondered how they could see him blushing underneath his mask.
“Can I offer you some food to go with your drinks? We have a wide selection of pig related food. Pork pie, bacon, bacon rashers, my personal line of bacon-flavoured crisps, pepperoni, fake vegan burgers that are made of bacon, pigs in a blanket made from a whole pig (blankets not provided), ham, ham sandwich, cheese and ham sandwich, bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich, bacon and lettuce sandwich HOLD the tomato, bacon and tomato sandwich HOLD the lettuce, fake bacon bits made from pork, sausages and chips, sausages and beans, sausages and sausages, sausages and bacon, sausages and bacon and eggs, and of course one of our house specialties bacon, sausage, pigs in blankets (hold the blanket), ham sandwich, ham ham ham bacon egg sandwich, BLT and the classic… deer leg ramen with a side of cocaine.”
“No food,” Mustang announced, “Nothing to soak up the alcohol. Today we’re celebrating the wedding of one of my closest co-workers, Ayato. To your recovery from the hands of Mario and Luigi, and your wedding to the wonderful Yosano-san.”
Shanks threw his one and only arm over Ayato’s shoulder, jiggling him around in excitement.
“Shame,” Ban drawled from where he was leaning against the frame of the kitchen door, “My food would have blown you away. Some even die from a single taste!”
“That sounds like it would have been delightful,” Fukuzawa said politely, trying to act like he didn’t know Ban from PA (Pedophiles Anonymous). He hoped Ban wouldn’t out him either, there were certain things the other teachers didn’t need to know.
“Bring a round of your strongest sake,” Kakashi interrupted, “Actually, make that three rounds.” All of the teachers had a decent tolerance for alcohol, considering they were drunk all the time. Classes were easier and a whole lotta more fun to teach when one could get lit in them.
Tomoe lent back in his chair, muttering so only Levi could hear him, staring point-blank at Soma gripping onto Victor’s hand, “Why the hell is Soma here?”
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Levi muttered, taking a swig from his hipflask. “I mean, like, Victor totally can’t do anything without Soma being there. Super cringe.”
“It’s a bachelor party, it’s supposed to just be - ya know -” Tomoe waved his hand, struggling to finish his sentence.
“The 420 gang,” Levi nodded in understanding. How could they talk normally while being scrutinised by one of their students? Tapering down their casual drug usage was not something Levi wanted to do, but with one of the princes of India watching he’d have no choice.
“BAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN,” Inosuke shouted, “Get these fine teachers our finest sake, pronto!”