You Reap What You Coke
Sanji ducked just in time as the glass from the window shattered from the impact of the bullets, raining down on his glorious yellow hair.
The other students ducked for cover too. Dazai grabbed Tamaki by his arms and shoved his head behind a sofa. Tamaki audibly sobbed, reaching for his cocaine pile which was being shot to smithereens, forming a white fog cloud. Dazai forcefully restrained him, rocking the cocaine-addled boyo to try and calm him down.
Kunikida rolled athletically behind a cupboard.
Kyoya was lifted bodily by Inosuke who hurled him into cover with a screech of excitement, jumping down next to him.
Ban stayed where he was on the sofa- the bullets pierced his chest and torso multiple times, blood spraying the walls, but his immortal powers let him heal quickly. He was unbothered by the pain, choosing to stay where he was, nursing his fistful of coke and rubbing it into his gums lazily.
Chuuya used his gravity powers to stop the trajectory of the bullets hitting him.
Zoro, asleep on the floor, was not roused by the gunfire.
Akutagawa was the last to move, he was glaring at Tamaki in jealousy, who had been saved by Dazai.
Eren, who had secretly followed the Oxbridge gang, wearing a straw hat so no one would recognise him, was hiding in a tree in Tamaki’s spacious garden. Twas a different tree to Tiler’s. Eren watched his goddess Akutagawa with his handy pair of binoculars (not unlike an Edward Cullen stalker way, JEEZ). He had been pretty surprised to watch Akutagawa change out of the dress into boy clothes - apparently this was not his goddess but his god. But he did not feel any differently - his sexuality was Akutagawa, no matter what Akutagawa’s gender was. When he had seen the gunmen shoot at the house that his lovely beauty was taking refuge in. How DARE they commit this blasphemous act? He growled in anger, fists clenched and leaped to the rescue in slow-mo. “Nooooooooo,” he cried, hand reaching out, a wildly desperate expression on his face. Akutagawa watched boredly as the silly Knottingham Trent student jumped in front of the bullets coming towards him. Eren gasped as he got shot in three different body parts, including his favourite body part - yes, his bulge. His eyes watered, and his limbs bled, but at least in this act he had made himself useful to his beloved. He allowed himself to hope, for at least a second, that Senpai would notice him now. But Akutagawa simply walked over him, stepping right on his wound, using his Rashomon to defend only himself from the incoming bullets.
“What an idiot,” chided Chuuya in distaste, glaring at the bleeding Eren.
“Ewwww his blood is all over the floor!” cried Tamaki, “Tebastian clean that up! TEBASTIAN!”
But alas, Sebastian never appeared, having already dissipated into shadows.
Sanji and Kyoya both shook their heads in contempt. What a dumbass. Come to think of it, where did Eren even come from? Maybe he was finally dead now, at least.
Tamaki, having resigned his cocaine pile to its death by gunfire, clutched his knees and sobbed in grief. The cocaine pile was no more, the room still foggy from its dispersal. There was nothing left for the blonde boi to protect.
This freed Dazai from his burden of making sure Tamaki didn’t get caught in the bullet fire.
Dazai jumped in the middle of the living room, all the bullets yeeting in from the floor-to-ceiling windows, and held his arm outward to increase surface area, closing his eyes and tipping his head backward, twirling around a couple of times. This was it. This was it! Dazai would finally die the noble death, suicide, just as he wanted. He relished the thought of it.
The bullets were still firing, he could hear them going off! But alas, where was the final penetration, deep into his warm and relaxed cavern, the bullet that would end it all? He twirled in wait, desperately. Even though Dazai was standing in perfect view of the chinese mafia below, no bullet even skimmed a limb. He was intact! Like a croissant with no bite taken out. How could all the bullets miss! None even accidentally came near him! “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Dazai cried, head tipped back, tears streaking down into his hairline.
“What should we do??” Nekozawa cried urgently, crouched behind another well-placed sofa.
“When did you get here?” Kyoya asked blandly, busy noting something down on his clipboard.
“Uhhh, I spawned in??? But that’s not the point, we’re being SHOT AT! Dazai’s the only one with a gun and he’s too busy to do anything!”
The man in question had his arms raised toward the ceiling, spinning on the spot dazedly as none of the bullets touched him.
“Well, if Kunikida was smart enough he’d use his Ideal to create some. I wonder what the point of giving supernatural abilities to stupid people is. Regardless, in enough time Lan Wanji and his crew should run out of bullets, don’t look so worried,” Kyoya swore as his pen ran out of ink - the only other pen he had left was by his phone on the coffee table and that was like, wayyy too far to reach!
“AND RELOAD!” Lan Wanji shouted from outside, the bullets stopped momentarily and all that could be heard was the clicking of new magazines being put into place.
“Ah,” Kyoya said, “We may be waiting longer than I thought. What are you doing here anyway, Nekozawa? I thought you prioritised doing schoolwork over charity work.”
“I may have found a buyer,” Nekozawa hissed, worriedly peeking over the sofa to look at the action. “Is that Yuki from the Triwizard Tournament on the floor? I’m pretty sure he’s in shock, he’s having a fit right?”
“Serves him right,” Inosuke cheered. “I wouldn't even want to turn him into a pig, oh no I wouldn’t! The trauma just wouldn't be worth it.”
Kyoya patted Inosuke on the shoulder, “I would hate to lose you to Yuki-related trauma. We almost lost one of our professors, Shanks, to the same ailment.”
By that point Dazai was loudly screaming, trying to catch the attention of one of the many shooters in the hopes that he would finally be deceased, but to no avail.
“This has gone on for long enough,” Kyoya sighed, standing up from behind the sofa, “GUSU - jeez, stop shooting for a minute! Do you know how many tailors stitch up bullet holes? Not very many, I tell you! AND this is Armani!” Kyoya’s brother Shuu, not to be mistaken for Shu, had struggled with the same issue. There were so many doctors around to stitch up flesh-related bullet holes, but when it came to holes in Armani, Givenchy, and the like? None of those dumbasses knew what to do. Twas like giving a machete to a toddler.
The shots stopped. “DO YOU PLAN ON PAYING UP!” Lan shouted through his megaphone, the feedback making everyone wince.
Kyoya swore under his breath and looked at the wound on his forearm; washing blood out of 100% farm-fed free range alpaca? His jacket was ruined! Even the idea of striking a deal with the barbaric Gusu Lan Sect made Kyoya feel SICK, they’d already taken so much! Selfish bastards.
“YES!” Kyoya replied mockingly, “WE HAVE A WAY TO PROCURE FUNDS TO REPAY YOU!” Kyoya refused to use his family’s wealth to pay back the disgusting heathen of a man, particularly after his jacket got caught in the crosshairs. He’d die before giving this man his own hard earned cash! But with Nekozawa’s new buyer they could return all the money they made to Lan Wanji, and keep the leftover for charity.
“KILL ME!” Tamaki screamed, still gripping his shins.
“DOUBLE SUICIDE!” Tears of happiness slid over Dazai’s cheeks, “Tamu-chan come here, embrace me, lay still in my arms as we await Gusu Lan’s oncoming bullets. They shall penetrate us, much like I penetrate you during our loneliest hours, and we shall perish as we were born; with one joint soul, under the same moon, our bodies thrumming with the desire to be together!”
Tamaki crawled around the sofa toward Dazai, still messily crying, and gripped Dazai’s calves, pressing his forehead into them. Dazai dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around Tamaki’s body and muttered soothingly in his ear, “Don’t worry. It’ll all be over soon.”
“FINE!” Lan Wanji shouted in response, “I’LL SEND CHUUYA THE BILL! I EXPECT TO BE PAID IN FULL, OTHERWISE THIS PIG GETS TURNED INTO HAM!”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Hawk honked. “No, no, don’t take me away, I have so many people who will be looking for me, Meliodis will kill you for even touching-”
“Get away from the megaphone, swine,” Lan hissed, “It won’t turn off! How do you use this thingy? I hate technology, all you young folk-”