Under The Coke
After the Gusu Lan Clan had retreated, the students could finally relax. They left Eren’s spasming body on the floor - the Souh house help would clean him all up. If Eren was lucky they’d also get him some medical attention.
“Where to now?” Dazai was piggybacking Tamaki, who was too busy sobbing to walk himself. The mushrooms spilt off his back as they moved along, leaving a trail of misery and woe in his wake.
“Oh cocaine tree, cocaine tree, where might I locate thee?” Tamaki sung in a low hum, snot thickening his voice. His eyes were red and swollen, either from cocaine or sobbing, who knew.
Nekozawa was leading the way. “To our next deal!” beneath his hood he was smiling, wringing his hands in glee. His puppet Belzenoff floated next to him, the permanently sewn on smile growing with every second.
“It's that man! That one we all know and love! That great man, who brings us greatness. Yes you've guessed it, it's a-him, Lelouch!”
“Le douche?” Zoro asked.
“Who dat?” Chuuya also asked.
“The leader of the lands! The OTHER lands. The Emperor. Lord Goo’s cousin,” Kyoya informed them.
“Guys!” Atsushi ran out into the street, barely clothed, his nipples glistening and ripe. The hair grips that he’d used to keep his hair out of his face were nowhere to be seen, his dress ripped down the front. He was barefoot and limping, 88% sure he still had a nugget of coke inside of him.
Kyoya pointedly looked away, using his clipboard to hide his face as he vomited in the bushes.
“I got out! I did it! I knew you’d be so worried so I, like, fucked all the cops till they passed out, which is pretty difficult because as cop strippers they have quite the stamina, but i didn’t want to be a burden! Sebas-chan always does say I have quite the way with my-”
“Coke,” Tamaki leapt off Dazai’s back and ran toward Atsushi on all fours, “coke coke coke coke COKE,” he chanted, before rugby tackling him to the floor, “Give it to me, I smell it, it’s inside of you, give it to me NOW, I-”
“I can’t!” Atsushi cried, head tipped back with tears trailing down his cheeks, “I wish I could Tamu-chan I would never want to inconvenience you! But - but - it’s like, sooooo far up there! I mean you can reach in and try to get it out but, like, I can’t make any promises”
Dazai picked Tamaki off the floor and yeeted him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry, turning away from his kohai Atsushi without appraising him for a single moment.
“Back to the subject at hand. Unfortunately we don't have much to sell to the emperor. We lost so much of our supply to Inosuke, the police,” Kyoya glared at Atsushi pointedly, “and now we lost a bunch during the shootout! How much is he expecting?”
“I assume it’s to poison one of his many siblings, though he gave no such details. I reckon we take a bunch though, you know how dumb rich people are. Absolutely ignorant to the coke market price. We could upsell it by at least 2.5% of the amount,” Nekozawa replied. After seeing the Mirror of Erised he planned on marrying his Robin ASAP before that bitchass Sendo could get to her and steal his future waifu. He could pay for the wedding by skimming off the coke funds, who cared about charity really?
“This is all we have left,” Chuuya said sadly, showing them the LAST kinder egg. He had saved it for himself, enough to get him through the night. The nightmares he experienced every night left him shaking and exhausted, nightmares about HIM, Shia Lebeouf. But for charity, particularly for such an established and worthy charity such as Potato Chips for Prisons, Chuuya couldn't help but part with the drug that wavered between himself and insanity.
“It’s okay,” Sanji muttered in his ear, breath on Chuuya’s neck making him shiver, “I’ll make the nightmares stop. Every. Single. One of them. I’ll make you feel so good you won't ever think about another man, not even that bastard Shia Lebeouf.” They’d steal Ranpo’s Nintendo Switch and play Mario Cart until Chuuya could no longer keep his eyes open, then Sanji would tuck Chuuya into bed and lay watch over him, sitting in a rocking chair by the window and chain smoking until the sun rose and he’d shaved another three years off his life.
“Then let’s go!” Kunikida howwered.
-
Nekozawa led them to a shady dark building.
“Is this really where the deal’s taking place? It looks pretty shady!” Atsushi gasped. If only he’d brought one of his new hot cop buddies with him for protection! uwu
“Of course, how could you doubt me, your best friend? Your most trusted ally? Remember when we bonded on the sands of the first triwizard tournament round? You roared in that way of yours, so ready to press me into submission, but instead we both relented and created something beautiful. A baby. And we called her-”
Akutagawa looked between the pair oddly, wondering if he should ask anything but also quite scared of the response.
Atsushi lowered his head in shame. To question one of his ebay friendos? What kind of person was he turning into? First a drug mule, and now this? It would make sense to question an Amazon friendo but an EBAY one?
Nekozawa stopped before the door. That door. That disgusting black cracking mossy door. That detty door.
The entire street had the feeling of an abandoned council house. The gardens were overgrown, streetlamps flickering. There was only one working on the far end of the street, casting an exaggerated darkness over the rest of it. The silence was threatening. Nekozawa hugged his robe tighter over his shoulders. Everything felt...off. To meet such an established emperor, Lelouch vi Britannia, in the equivalent of the British slums? But alas, who were any of these smol Oxbridge students to question the majesty of their emperor Lelouch the emperor?
“Coats?” Ace asked politely, waiting at the doorway in a T-pose for everyone’s garments. He ran a secret black market where he’d sell second-hand coats. The business was booming; he did not wear coats himself, not even to model in them, but people were still tripping over themselves to buy from him. Perhaps because he was a good businessman, perhaps because he was so sexy. Probably because he was so sexy. Unfortunately all of the Oxbridge students were tasteless and all their jackets were shite.
Zoro walked into the room before them without knocking, absolutely clueless at the T E N S I O N, the darkness of the doorway that loomed before them, swallowing all light like a black hole. Atsushi had a lot of experience with black holes, and pink puckered ones too. Dazai nodded in appreciation of the doorway, which had a smaller door inside, a doororo if you will, which made entry even easier. Zoro loved doororos, almost as much as he loved doritos (cheese flavoured ones, the cool original ones were too spicy for him).
“Wow,” Sanji looked around, “An opium den. Been a while since I’ve been to one of these. Yo, yo, Franky, that you man? Hit me up, here,” Sanji rolled his sleeve up and dropped onto the moth-eaten sofa beside a cyborg-man who was clearly too delirious to respond. “Come on man, you got any? Who’s selling?” Sanji asked while using his belt to tie his upper arm, readying himself for his favourite type of penetration.
Chuuya winced as he looked around. He was used to dat thug life, what from his time in the mafia and all of his other gang-related credentials. But he’d never wanted to learn about this side of the drug trade, and now seeing that his best shag - uh, FRIEND - was a victim of that same drug trade, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. The entire house smelt like a mixture of piss, sweat, and acrid garlic. The walls were in dire need of a fresh coat of paint, paint crumbling off them and cracks appearing on the ceilings and walls. Despite the fact the house was clearly occupied, there were many-a cobweb lining the vertices of the walls. There was a sense of stillness to the house, with many people barely mobile, bodies sprawled over chairs and on the floor, either dead or hazed out on drugs Chuuya couldn’t tell.
A muscly thug smoking from a pipe wolf-whistled at Atsushi, who was still wearing his foxy dress. Atsushi flipped his hair as if he didn’t care, but was secretly gratified. When all this was over, that random man might get some. Atsushi wasn’t 100% why he was waiting though.
On one sofa, sprawled magnificently, an opium pipe held aloft in his hand, was the Victorian gentleman Lau and his sister in law Ran Mao. “Tell me, am I a butterfly who dreams he is a man, or am I a man that dreams he is a butterfly?” he asked, staring up at a random point on the ceiling.
“You're dead!” Kunikida yelled, and launched himself at the man, snapping his neck violently with his bear hands. After he took the bear hand gloves off and promptly ate them to destroy all the evidence.
“Where is the emperoro?” Zroro asked.
“I am here! It’s a-me, your lord and saviour Lelouch!” a man walked out wearing a tuxedo and cloak. His hair was long and black, almost like a wig, he wore large sunglasses that covered most of his face. He was grinning broadly, his arms outstretched. Wow! The rumours were correct! The great emperor Lelouch would act all sultry in the press promos (just to appetise his sister ofc) but in real life, what a cheery chappy he was!
Nekozawa frowned to himself. Lelouch looked different somehow, but he couldn’t quite put on his finger on what was exactly it was. And he should know, having met the Emperor once before during the Triwizard Tournament.
“My Lord,” Kunikida said reverently, bowed his head in submission, kneeling down as you do around monarchs. Atusushi oftentimes did this whenever Lord Goo called upon his presence for a live screening from The Fruit Basket.
“No need for that, my bros,” said Lelouch cheerfully, lifting his sunglasses slightly at an angle to wink at them, then readjusting the glasses, “We’re all squad here. Fam, one might even say. Hey, I swear I’ve only banged one of you. Two, at the most.”
Atsushi avoided everyone’s eye contact, at this point he couldn’t remember who he had/hadn’t fucked senseless.
Lelouch finger gunned them, and Kunikida was only too eager to finger-gun the man back. He hoped this could be the start of a beautiful Ideal friendship.
“Your majesty, we hear you had an enquiry for a certain quantity of coke? Though I might say, it does appear that you could have obtained coke from any of the people around you, so we - and by ‘we’ I mean the prestigious university, Oxbridge University - are very flattered that you chose Oxbridge Drugs corp as the solution of all of your drug-related needs.”
“Of course, I require - nay, demand! - the highest-quality coke at all time. Even Cocacola life isn't doing it for me no more. Ain’t that right younger sibling N-Ninnaly(?)” LElouch seemed to have forgotten his sister’s name, perhaps a result of all the hardcore drugs he’d been taking. Regardless ‘Ninnaly’ waddled in. Tamaki squinted. He was either looking at a blob in a tuxedo or a penguin with a red wig on, but he couldn’t tell which.
“At the moment, this is all we have to hand,” Dazai held up the last kinder egg. “But think of it as a taster. We will acquire more the moment you request it. And we will kill anyone that gets in the way. No life will be spared. Not even my own, if you wish it,” Dazai winked sexily, hoping beyond hope he would be ordered to take his own lyfe.
“I too will die on this sacred pilgrimage!” Tamaki announced, standing with his arms spread wide, having shaken off his depressed stupor, “Gladly, in pursuit of the big C, the finely-granulated suga’, the finest elixir that has ever passed my lips - no offence Dazai -”
Dazai nodded dutifully.
“Call me the King of Death! Nay, not because I can cause death, but because everyone who comes in contact with me wishes to die! Tell me fine men, do any of you wish for anything but death?”
Not a single head dropped in a nod.
“I wish for a painful death,” Zoro piped up blankly.
“See men! I am your king!” Tamaki roared passionately, eyes bloodshot, “Now, dear Frank, hand me the finest powdered drug straight from mother nature’s womb and I shall insert it into my-”
“Ain’t no need for all that death and suey shit, just hand it over peasants!” Lelouch ordered snapping his fingers.
The Oxbridge students gasped.
“M-m-me? A peasant?!? No sir!!” Tamaki cried.
“You dare contradict your Emperoro?” cried Lelouch, “Respect me boi or it’ll be off with your head! By your very own hand, under influence of my Geass. I mean I’m not using it NOW cause I have these hella cool shades on but I CAN if I really wanna, take my word for it kayyyy?”
Tamaki still felt insulted, he was a famoose King for God’s sake! (“Fame is a fickle pickle”, shrugged Pokkle, eating a pickle - and watching, as he always was).
Kunikida bowed, “please, accept our sincerest apologies. Please, just take our coke. We mean only to offer you our finest wares and penises.”
“I will offer you, here and now, £690,690,690,690 for this nose powder. Cause you ma homies and ya’ll deserve the dollar!”
“That’s - that’s very generous sir,” Kyoya replied, eyes wide. Knottingham Trent would never raise so much with their stale cakes, biscuits and bear claws.
“Don’t mention it, bro. We all bros here. Fam, one might even say. Lemme just get the money out for ya,” Lelouch lifted the pair of sunglasses slightly at an angle again to wink exaggeratedly at them. Something was different about his eye but no one questioned it.
“Ni-san Ninny, get the coin out,” commanded Lelouch to the penguin-girl next to him.
The penguin chirped rudely.
“You DARE disobey me!?” roared Lelouch, “I will kill you, and your family, and your friends, and your people.”
The Oxbridge students really hoped he would kill the people. THEY were part of the people.
“Yo bros my sis is just, like, soooo annoying. UGH!” Lelouch strolled over to the penguin, took the wig off, retrieved a cheque, and placed the wig back on.
“You’re too kind,” cried Nekozawa, his face breaking into a huge grin as he reached out for that splendid cheque. He imagined the honour that came with bringing such a large amount of money back to the Uni for its charitable efforts. Fukazawa would cry from happiness, Shanks would tell them they did well, Levi might spare them some free weed, even Hawkeye might nod at them! His girlfriend, Robin, would be easily won over this way as well. Imagining her bright smile at the prospect of prisoners getting Walkers crisps made Neko tingly inside.
“Nuh uh uh, not so fast, ya lil rascal,” said Lelouch, holding up the envelope at a slight distance, “Just one thing left to say and y'all better listen with both ya ears.”
He paused dramatically as the Oxbridgers leaned in with interest and greed.
Lelouch took the kinder egg and laughing manically, poured the white powder on the floor, rubbing it into the frayed and detty carpet with the heel of his shoe.
All of a sudden, confetti fell from the ceiling (thanks to Kalluto of course) and a bunch of cameras and men holding the cameras flooded the room. The mariachi band followed.
“YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRANKED! LOL! Fellas, how does it feel to know you've just been pranked on my hit show, Prank Stage!!?” ‘Lelouch’ pulled off his dark shoulder-length wig and threw his sunglasses toward an unassuming Lau’s corpse who unfortunately did not see it with his eyes shut and could do nothing but scream when the frame impaled his rarely-used eye. As soon as ‘Lelouch’ grinned, flowers danced behind him, illuminating the scene (something which the cameras were exceedingly thankful for).
Suddenly, all the Oxbridge students recognised HIM...the man...the most cheekiest and evil prankster in all of Lord Goo’s lands…
Shougo faced the cameras with a radiant grin, eyes glistening as he blew kisses and winked at it.
“Waaaaaaaaa?” the Oxbridge students shouted simultaneously, apart from Laus’s corpse of course, who was too busy crying in pain, cupping one eye, blood pooling between his fingers and trailing down his wrist.
“That's right folks! This was all a prank set up by your friend - yes me! I'm your friend! - to give you a laugh!” Shougo winked at the camera.
Zoro wiped a tear from his cheek, Shougo had delivered such a tortuous level of pain, a bittersweet feeling.
Unbeknownst to Shougo, in perhaps a freudian slip revenge sequence, Ace had stolen his woolen jacket and placed it on the dark web, raking in absolute trillions of bitcoin, all of which he planned to spend on hiring assassins and the like. There was something so sensual about paying an assassin to give you a foot massage.
“That was the last of our coke!” Atsushi screamed, the blood vessels in his eyes bursting. The tears of blood ran down his face and stained his ripped dress, which only saddened him further. After all that effort - after the sheer NUMBER of eggs he had to force up his ass, the NUMBER of hot cops he had to fuck to get out of prison - and this??? All of his efforts in the name of Potato Chips for Prison amounted to nothing???
“Where's the money?” Kyoya and Kunikida screeched, head in hands, mouth frothing. Kunikida wished for the scorchy fire that had melted off all of his appendages earlier, perhaps that would be easier to tolerate than this.
“There is none! All proceeds from this episode will go towards saving the rainforest! I was suuuuper inspired to donate when I saw the amount of money Knottingham Trent was giving! Did you see they've now raised a whole 70 pounds? You could save a whooooole tree with that! Can you imagine? A tree? I haven't seen a tree in years, not since I was a little boy. I remember the last tree. I was fundraising for a very wholesome charity, Woods for Woodpeckers, and my tiny six-year-old child body lifted an axe and axed down the final tree - in a sponsored tree-axeing, of course. A shame I only raised 50p, and 20p of that I found under the fridge. Oh how I miss them! How I miss breathing oxygen. When will the government finally bring back the trees?”
“What about Potato Chips for Prisons?” Akutagwa sobbed between coughs.
“Let them eat cake! Cake that has been donated by Knottingham Trent, leftovers from their bakesale! What brilliant guys! Let's give them a round of applause shall we?”
At that moment Eren and Yuki walked into the room, blushing and grinning and waving to the cameras. Eren saw Akutagawa and blushed deeply, hiding his face and his many bullet wounds.
The camera men all began to clap and holler, tears streaming from their eyes. “What generous men!” was the words that flowed from their lips.
“NO ONE WANTS YOUR DISGUSTING CAKES!” Tamaki cried, “I HOPE ALL THE PRISONERS DIE WHEN THEY EAT THEM, AND YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE GUILT OF KILLING SO MANY INNOCENT MEN!” Tamaki looked into the camera, eyes sharp and coke-crazy, “I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!”
Shanks, watching Prank Stage!! live in the staff room, applauded Tamaki’s sentiment. He couldn’t help the joy that swelled in his chest at the thought of Yuki dead. He had had to change his number multiple times, get multiple restraining orders, just to get that annoying insect to stop pestering him. His hands trembled from the agonizing flashbacks and he tightened them into fists, trying to hold himself together.
Fukazawa threw his half-eaten burrito at the TV screen, booing, the bean slop splatting against the screen.
“Seems like we’ll need a lawyer for this...gay lawyer, anyone?” Kakashi suggested.
Back on-screen: “Waaaaaaaaaaa! But Oxbridge is the better university!” Zoro cried.
“Yeah!” Sanji shouted. “We were doing all this to raise money and you've ruined it!”
“Did I? Or did you ruin yourselves?” Shougo asked.
“What's that supposed to mean?” Dazai snapped.
“Dunno mate,” Shougo shrugged. He turned back towards the camera. “But that's all we have time for today! Tune into next week's episode where we’ll be performing a satanic ritual! There'll be laughs, there'll be death, but most importantly, there'll be stages! All that oooooooon Prank Stage!!”