Don't Coke There
Tomoe was surprised to see all of the students lazing about in the common room. “I am surprised to see all of you students lazing about in the common room,” he said in a droll tone. He expected them to be in class and was planning to use the common room toilets as he always did. He was too cheap to buy toilet paper for his own suite.
“We’ve given a bunch of cocaine to Inosuke, we’ll probably hit the £50 in a couple of days,” Dazai lay slumped on the Armani futon, “If not we can just steal some money from that independent business down the road, they’re just being selfish keeping all of their money to themselves. This is charity, for pete’s sake!”
Tomoe wondered if it would be inappropriate to be seen using the common room toilets, considering he was a teacher and all. “You do know what an independent business is, right? If anything you should steal from Tesco. We’ve all done it. Not that I explicitly condone that activity but it’s kinda what I do when I get super drunk. So don’t let me get drunk and walk by a Tesco. Any Tesco. Tesco Metro, Tesco Extra, Tesco petrol pumps. They’re all under threat when I’m around and when my alcohol content is above what it normally is for work.”
“We’ve all been banned from Tesco,” Sanji muttered, “something about a shoplifting issue.” Though pretending to be vague, a select group of the students had been arrested toward the beginning of their time at Oxbridge, having been caught stealing boxes upon boxes of Frubes from the refrigerated section of Tesco.
“Let me just say,” Tomoe said, “And as I say this don't bother to take any offence to what I say. But that Knottingham Trent lot are still fundraising, last i checked they had £50.50. At this rate, perhaps the funds from Inosuke won’t be enough.”
Kyoya adjusted his glasses on his brow, the lenses glinting, nodding solemnly at everything Tomoe had said.
Ranpo looked up from his mobile, though technically his eyes were shut and he wasn’t looking anywhere, and he too nodded because he found that what Tomoe said might hold some truth to it.
Chopper bleated to show his own agreement, nodding which only made everyone want to behead the bitchass doe.
“We need to ruin Knottingham Trent’s reputation. We HAVE to beat them fair and square at their own game. NOTHING is more important than this. If Chopper dies while completing this mission, so be it. This is worth sacrificing for,” Atsushi cried.
Dazai smiled at Atsushi, proud of his passion. Akutagawa, noticing this, turned away in anguish. He wondered if Dazai would ever smile at him like that.
Chopper brayed once more in his bed. At this point the students had taught themself to tune out his voice. As time passed it appeared that his mental status was deteriorating and he was turning more deer than human.
“Bollywood the Hangover!” Tamaki popped his head up from the cocaine heap he was still buried in, “My next hit, I shall direct and star in it, S-Soma you can be my love interest, you’re asian,”
“WE’RE ALL ASIAN,” Chuuya screamed, pointing at Tamaki and his coke-ridden body.
“Not me,” pointed out the french man, Sanji. “Neither are moss-head or the kid, I guess.”
“Or me!” Chopper screamed, excited to be included, tail wagging.
“Shut up, prick. Why are you such a prick?” replied Sanji. Dazai put a hand on Sanji’s shoulder to calm him down, and shook his head. The reindeer was not worth getting bent out of shape over. Stupid animal probably craved the attention.
Tamaki’s voice continued over the din, “And I shall be the handsome man, the KING, and I’ll hire Hrithik Roshan AND srk, the diamond duo, no Priyanka though THAT BITCH-”
“Omg omg, can I help with the music I used to be in this AMAZINGGG boyband before Ciel decided to go ahead and get himself killed, which, like, TOTALLY sucks because, like, we were doing so well and sometimes I just go to his head stone and am just like, why did you have to be so selfish-” Soma continued excitedly.
“Yes yes YES and I shall choreograph the whole thing using my host club skills, and Shougo will be there and we shall use his showbiz experience-” Tamaki’s eyes were blown wide, hair and suit shaded white from the cocaine he’d been dipped in head-first.
Kyoya cleared his throat. “Let us get back on track, shall we? We were considering who else we could sell our cocaine to.”
“Let’s just sell it to our friends. Seems the easiest thing to do,” Akutagawa suggested.
“I didn't know you had any,” Dazai replied laughing.
“What about our friends at Sheffield Harem! Leorio is there after all, and he is a popular jock. Maybe he can recommend us to all his fans?” Atsushi suggested.
Dazai nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! What a brilliant idea Atsushi-kuuuuuun! I love you so much. You're the apple of my eye. My one son. My one lover. There's never been anyone in my life like you before. No one can replace you. My life was once a dreary dark place, and then you came. Hard. It was a sight to behold. Please, never change my sweat.”
At this Akutagawa simply turned away from them and punched a wall. The wall gave in and collapsed, similar to when the walls had collapsed due to Chopper’s inability to show up to lessons.
“Now see what you’ve done!” Dazai gestured at the mess disapprovingly.
“THAT’S NOT TRUE,” Tamaki screamed in response to Dazai’s earlier statement from his cocaine pile, “WE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE MANY TIMES RECENTLY, I THINK!”
Atsushi winced at Dazai’s declaration and what it implied, after all he was in a committed on-and-off relationship with that one hell of a butt-ler Sebastian who he hadn’t heard from in months.
“We haven't seen Leorio since we went to his wedding anniversary. His father Ging looked so happy, didn't he? I wish my father would return to my life. I've always been so jealous of the intimate relationship Ranpo has with headmaster Fukazawa. The way he caresses his cheek when they think no one is looking. The stolen glances. The impromptu office sex.” Kunikida sighed wistfully.
Kyoya cleared his throat once again. “Yes, Sheffield Harem IS a good idea,” he nodded to Atsushi, praising him. Ranpo was VERY jealous.
“Is Inosuke single?” a voice from the fireplace asked. Twas Sakura.
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,” Kyoya screamed, walls quivering, “CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?!? WE NEED TO BEAT THAT DUMBASS SCHOOL KNOTTINGHAM TRENT FOR THE SAKE OF OUR PRIDE AND SO I CAN GET MY FATHER’S BUSINESS!”
“And for charity?” Tomoe prompted.
“AND FOR CHARITY! ANYONE WHO’S HORNY, JUST GO TO THE BROTHELS AND BLOW OFF SOME STEAM - hey, hey guys - no, not ALL of you jeez come back-”
Kunikida rolled his eyes at the flippant man and let the common room door fall shut from where he had been holding it open for his fellow students, some of which had already filed through. “FALSE ALARM,” Kunikida screamed down the hall, “NOT A BROTHEL BREAK, I REPEAT, NOT A BROTHEL BREAK.”
Chopper was the only one to not have moved, no not because he lacked two legs and suffered with mobility issues (regardless of all the prosthetics he owned), but because the brothel workers charged him premium prices for not being a human - prices which he couldn't afford. The last time he’d been there he’d had to wear a bin bag over his entire body with a small cut-out for his crotch, and even then the person who he was with cried the whole time.
“But how are we going to smuggle the coke into the university? They have such tight security. I heard that they even have metal detectors after Prank Stage!! did a bomb scare there last month, as a prank of course,” the fireplace said.
“Oh yeah I saw that episode. They really need more original ideas,” Chuuya snapped. “Keeping up with Kaname has already done that like, sooo many times. Do y’all know the number of bomb threats Kaname’s got?”
“There MUST be a way to smuggle cocaine through a high-security university. How do all those criminals do it?” Kyoya pondered aloud.
“They hide them in a pocket, I think,” Akutagawa said.
“Pokkle’s Pocket?” everyone nodded. This is of course a euphemism for asshole. It became a popular phrase world wide after pictures of Pokkle’s asshole were on the news following his death. There are no pictures of his face that exist and that was the best they had. That puckered pink entrance has inspired the world and is available on various merchandise. His asshole is available on mugs, posters, advertisements. Some even cosplay as his pocket.
Everyone looked down at the dog bed. Chopper brayed wearily, hooves held up close to his face.
“Chopper,” Sanji said gently, “You ARE paralysed from the waist down. Try not to be selfish for once in your life. Volunteer your asshole. After all you don’t really need it to be tight or anything, it’s not like you’re going to get laid any time soon. Or ever again.”
Zoro nodded.
Chopper’s face scrunched up in misery. He wasn’t even paralysed!!! His legs had been chopped off and served on a silver platter to that board-short wearing fiend, Ace. But his asshole was just as sensitive as it’s always been. He’d always been able to feel how good the baby harness had felt against his bare ass. Even now it was twitching in anticipation.
Then in almost a singular second Chopper’s face lit up with delight. “Okay!” he said, clearly having figured something out that the others were too stupid to pick up on. Ranpo was the only one to wince.
“Great,” Kyoya announced, “Everyone fill up some baggies, then shove them into these kinder egg boxes. Kid luffy has already taken out all of the toys and thankfully *Kyoya stares at Y/N* NOT choked on the toys like America thinks kids will do.”
“Here’s some I made earlier,” Tomoe revealed, throwing two kinder egg boxes to one of the dark-haired japanese fellows. Dazai threw them to a different dark-haired japanese person. Akutugawa caught them, juggled, and threw them to a different dark-haired japanese person. Kyoya caught them both smoothly and placed them on his clipboard.
“Here you go Chipper,” Kyoya had forgotten the deer’s name long ago, “Chop-chop, get these in your pocket and we’ll be on our way.”
Chopper looked at Zoro and batted his lashes, “I can’t - REACH - my asshole. I lost my two hind legs. So I guess someone else will have to gently insert them into my soft pocket, being sure to-”
“NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO,” Tomoe screamed, falling to his knees, trying to drown out the noise.
Zoro remained impartial, not even paying attention to what Chopper had said.
Even Kyoya had stepped away from the dog bed, stumbling backwards over his feet, face pale and drained from blood.
“I’LL DO IT,” Atsushi cried, “I’LL HAVE IT IN MY ASSHOLE! JUST PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THE DEER! MAKE HIM STOP! I CAN’T-”
“Will you need help with that?” Zoro grunted. He wanted this over ASAP so he could go nap. He had only just tuned into the conversation and had no idea of what it was about.
Chopper screamed a scream of mortal terror from his dog bed, head swung back like a possessed mutt.
“Ooooh,” the fireplace sung, “I sense TENSIIIOONNN”
“He does have quite the large asshole,” Dazai pondered, “I heard Hrithik Roshan managed to put all three of his thumbs in there.”
“I got five of my tails in there and had to stop simply because I was overwhelmed by the pleasure,” Naruto said randomly, having spawned in.
“It’s true, there was plenty of room left in there,” Atsushi nodded. “Not to sound optimistic but I think I can do better than 2 kinder egg boxes. If someone wants to help me loosen up, i’ll be able to do even more.”
“Ahhhhh! More! More! I need more! Harder Dazai-san! Harder!” Tamaki cried as dazai shovelled more coke into his mouth. He was feeding him coke in the hopes of an overdose. A ‘double suicide’ gone wrong is not murder. Dazai shoved it in harder, choking Tamaki. He enjoyed it far too much.
“UMMM EXCUSE ME BITCHES,” Atsushi screamed, “FOR ONCE WILL SOMEONE PAY ME SOME ATTENTION! EVEN WHEN I DIED NO ONE CARED ABOUT ME, YOU SOLD MY FUR!”
“We appreciate your sacrifice,” Kyoya started tentatively, “But are you sure it’s not too much, you don't have to do it if you don't want to?” Kyoya put very little energy into being subtle. Looking around the room he was only met by people avoiding his gaze, trying not to be chosen as the one to help Atsushi loosen up.
Dazai turned to his asshole. “Yes, you are a marvelous asshole. Well done. I shall reward you in the proper way when we are alone. I'm sure you’ll be mori than satisfied.”
Mori nodded in agreement.
Atsushi smiled. He even welled up a bit. But considering he wasn’t no SLUT anymore, all of their activities would remain PG. Or at least above the waist. Dazai will have to put a cock ring on it before he can put his dick in it.
Akutagawa sadly wondered if his own ‘pocket’ would ever get such high praise from Dazai-san. Atsushi didn’t know how lucky he was for Dazai to pay him and his ass so much attention. He clenched his fists and asshole in anger. He would never acknowledge Atsushi’s asshole as superior to his own.
Soma and Nekozawa (who had manifested in the shadows), his D and D buddies from back in the day when he wasn't shoving cocaine up his butt, approached Atsushi and slapped him on the back encouragingly. Nekozawa then drifted back into the corner of the room and faded back into darkness. Atsushi wondered if he'd ever see him again.
Just at that moment Atsushi’s phone pinged with a text. As was customary, Atsushi read it out to the group.
“Waaaa, it’s Sebas-chan! He says: h-hewwo? Hewwo? I have been a footstool for the past few months - hahaha Sebaschan is, like, SOOOO FUNNY - sorry guys, sorry, I’ve got the giggles - and I haven’t stopped thinking about my sweet empress and her patchy fur,” Atsushu blushed prettily, “Might we meet sometime soon? I have some free time.”
“Ooooh,” Soma peered over Atsushi’s shoulder at the text (he was attracted to the sounds of horny text messages), “He WANTS you, bro! He wants to insert his merchandise into YOUR pocket!”
“That would be useful,” Kyoya pondered. That way Sebastian could do the job none of them wanted to. Atsushi could be loosened up to shift at least, what, a shittone of coke? Rumour had it, his pocket was one of the most spacious in the entire universe. The aliens even subscribed to his onlyfans, from which he made millions, and had been dubbed ‘the fruit basket’.
“K I'm just gonna text him. Soma, does this sound okay? I don’t sound too desperate, do i?” Atsushi directed his phone screen in Soma’s direction desperately
“Yeah, yeah. Sounds good, have more confidence in yourself Atsushi-kun!”
Just at that moment Sebastian spawned into the room. The man looked worse for wear but still absolutely delectable, a more troubled and angsty version of his normal self. Akugawa hissed, threatened by another emo. An emo liar, some might even say. Hiss hiss.
“Sebastian! You’re back!” Atsushi’s smile was wide and he grabbed the butler’s forearm, dragging him towards the dorm rooms before anyone else could even address him.