Practical Coke
They entered the depths of the warm, moist cavern that was Sheffield Harem. It was warm and moist, the air settling on their tongues like a fur blanket, but not nice fur like Atsushi’s, more like Chopper hair. Disgusting.
Sheffield Harem was one of the universities competitive with Oxbridge. Or at least, they liked to think they were. In actuality the students there were known for being stupid and useless, what with Leorio as their star student and being unable to win a rock, paper, scissors competition. Sheffield Harem was also one of the few universities to compete against Oxbridge in the Triwizard Tournament, with Netero as their headmaster.
All of the students stared up at the crumbling walls of the disgusting university Sheffield Harem University.
“This is it, guys,” Kyoya.
“If you go to prison, just know it’s for a good cause,” Dazai said to Atsushi.
“Good luck!” said Tamaki.
“We’ve all got your back,” Kunikida added.
“You’re a good guy, Atsushi,” Akutagawa said begrudgingly.
“Some might even say a hero.” Sanji nodded.
Chuuya squeezed his shoulder and even Zoro acknowledged him with a nod.
It had been these nine that had volunteered to go on this expedition.
Everyone took it in turns to give Atsushi a memento of theirs to travel with him through the trying times of being a drug mule.
“Guys,” Atsushi’s voice was clogged with emotion, “I don’t know if I can even thank you enough. I WON’T let you down...or the poor, poor, innocent prisoners desperately vying for their potato chips…”
It was surprisingly easy to get into the university. When they’d entered, they’d prepared themselves for guards, metal detectors, demon dogs from the depths of hell itself etc. however, on arrival, they discovered all they really needed to do was sign in on the visitors sheet at reception. The girl at reception (the name tag read ‘Elizabeth’) smiled awkwardly at them.
“Can you take pictures of yourself for the system? I would but Meliodas stole my underwear again and my skirt’s too short for me to stand up.”
The group all side-eyed Sanji to gauge his reaction. It was a defining moment, the girl was only fifteen. Would Sanji get a fatal nosebleed over a child? Or would he recognise she was a minor therefore not suitable for his perversions. The man stood stoically, uninterested in the scene before him. Noticing the others’ gaze he glared at them. He was only interested in all women 18-60 (bar Sakura, Kyoka and Haruhi). He wasn’t attracted to CHILDREN jeez. He didn’t need to go to some Pedophiles Anonymous group session. Dazai, Chuuya, and Zoro all smiled a relieved smile, glad he had some limits after all.
A camera was passed around, and visitor lanyards handed out.
“Guess we didn’t even need your asshole then,” Dazai said nonchalantly.
Atsushi looked up at the others in anger. “You guys have no clue how this much coke up the ass feels. I tried so hard, and got so far, and in the end it didn’t even matter. I’m surprised I haven't been hospitalised with asshole-related issues. I don’t even know how I’m still walking.”
Kyoya slapped him on the back with enough strength to make the cat fall to his knees. “We appreciate it anyway. And I'd like the ring back I gave you, it’s a family heirloom that dates back to the 1600s.” He walked past Atsushi’s fallen body and Atsushi silently cried, with no strength to move.
Upon entering the common room, they were greeted by an elaborate stage setup, surrounded by an audience and lots of cameras.
Up on the stage on one side sat Leorio. He looked stiff, sitting upright in his chair, gripping the armrests tightly. His brow was furrowed over his too-small glasses, creasing his small eyes. It was clear he was very nervous.
On the other side sat Ging. His expression was unreadable, his body relaxed. But the tension in the air was obvious.
And between the two identical men stood Shougo, a wide smile blossoming over his rosy cheeks. He looked as handsome as ever, his ginger hair framing his angular face.
“The results are in! In my hand is an envelope,” He held the envelope aloft in the air for everyone to see. “And in this envelope are the answers to all your questions! Ging, you were concerned that Leorio was not your son. But with these DNA results, we can tell you…” the room went silent in anticipation. Shougo struggled to tear open the envelope. He looked around nervously as he peeled the back of it off in small strips, letting them drift to the floor, like confetti. Kalluto watched on with unmasked delight.
The Oxbridge students were shocked that this was even a question. The two men looked so alike. When they stood next to each other, you could hardly tell the difference between them. Ging and Leorio looked more alike than - than - Kurapika and Sasuke!
Finally, the envelope was open. “Ging, you are NOT the father!!!!!!!”
The whole audience was in an uproar. “How is this possible? They’re identical!” they shouted.
Killua in the audience fainted from the shock.
Ging himself immediately sprung up from his chair. “No! It can’t be true! I fucked your mum! That’s right, I RAMMED yo mama!” he roared, thrusting his hips. “Just like this! And I have super sperm, evolved over generations, made for the sole purpose of impregnating the female species! Every intercourse I have results in a spawn! That’s why I only have one child!”
“It can’t be true, Shougo-sama,” Leorio cried emotionally, “it simply can’t be true. I refuse to believe it.”
“D-did I lose my virginity for nothing??? After I held onto it for 14 years.” Ging fell to his knees. “If you’re not my child, who is? Is it you?” Ging leapt off the stage on all fours, chasing after random audience members, “Is it you? Is it you?” he howled in people’s faces. He rammed his body into the cameras and rolled onto his knees, slapping his chest with his fists and screaming in feral pain. “Where is my child!” he cried, “Where is my SON?”
Ordinarily, Tamaki would have insisted that they help this poor man find his son but at the moment he was too occupied stuffing his face with handfuls of cocaine he’d stuffed in his own pockets (RAEL pockets not Pokkle’s pockets). Kyoya briefly wondered if Tamaki’s new addiction was dangerous but then dismissed the thought. He’d be fine. Probably. Maybe. There were other things to worry about right now.
The camera people quickly picked up their cameras and turned their cameras towards Shougo, who was blowing his nose into a napkin stamped with ‘YOU’VE BEEN PRANK’D!’; the man was clearly getting emotional at the display.
“DON’T FILM,” Ging roared, clearly a puppet to his emotions, he threw himself toward the cameras and dragged a camerawoman to the floor, straddling her. His fists were soon to follow; each punch met its mark, within seconds the woman was bloody.
The other camera people merely got closer, cameras on their shoulders as they caught the fight at every angle. Shougo was quick to jump in, commentating the entire thing, “And there we go - Ging is continuing to punch our long-standing camera woman of fifty years, her name is Diane and she’s actually going to retire next week if this doesn’t kill her! Everyone please feel free to post her some nice retirement messages onto our twitter account, @ItsAPrank!!Stage. If needed we’ll even pull out ye olde oujia board and get all those messages to her and - OH, that must hurt, ouch -” the camera woman’s head cracked to the side audibly, blood spraying in an arch all over the stage.
“Prank Stage!!? Don’t you mean Blood Stage!!?” Shougo laughed cheerily, moving out of the way to avoid subsequent blood spurts. The studio audience all joined in the laughter, with those in the ‘splash zone’ using their coats and jackets to save themselves from being splattered. At this all of the Oxbridge students howled in laughter, the coke-addled Tamaki clapped his knees he simply COULDN’T hold the laughter back.
Leorio was still slumped in his seat. He cradled his head in his hands in embarrassment. Trust Ging to make a scene in front of the ENTIRE Sheffield Harem school, all 5 of its students.
At that moment alarms began to flash and lots of confetti were released from the ceiling. Kalluto was of course the one to release it.
“YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRANKED! LOL! Ging, Leorio, how does it feel to know you've just been pranked on my hit show, Prank Stage!!?” Shougo cried into his mic.
“Waaaaaaaaa?” Ging and Leorio shouted simultaneously.
“That's right folks! This was all a prank set up by your friend- yes that friend over there,” he pointed to Kurapika in the audience, “to give you a laugh as an anniversary gift! Congratulations you two love birds for 3 years of marriage! 3 years is such a long time, that's older than my wife!” Shougo winked at the camera, a finger to his lips seductively, “Don’t worry ladies. She doesn’t mind sharing.”
The live studio audience roared with laughter again.
“Ahahahah!” Leorio laughed. “That's such a relief!” He turned to his husband. “You're such a joker. Wow. That was so funny! You're such a lovely husband!” He embraced his husbando warmly, kissing his cheek swiftly. A swift cheek kiss was all Kurapika allowed.
“No way this is all a prank! I've been receiving anonymous emails for months telling me Leorio was not my son! That's why I came here in the first place, for the DNA!” Ging cried again, his face red with anger.
“This was all organised the whole time by Prank Stage!! Just as Kurapika instructed. He had VERY specific instructions for how to do this. He predicted every de-tail. If only he was wearing that tail now.” Shougo shook his head sadly.
“Kurapika?” Atsushi cheered over the cheering and chattering audience, “It’s a-me, Atsushi.”
The man was sitting on one of the corner audience seats, probably in case he needed a speedy exit. He turned his head slowly toward the Oxbridge students.
Kurapika looked at the group with recognition, “And to what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked, surly. He’d applied for Oxbridge back in the day, but the beast Pokkle had disposed of his application, simply threatened by Kurapika’s beauty and prowess. As a champion at rock paper scissors it was clear that Kurapika was a smart mans, with an understanding of strategy and how to read people.
Just then, Shougo screamed wildly from the stage. “Oh. My. Jeez. We seem to have another celebrity here with us today!” The audience cheered, “Give it up foooooorrrrr ATSUSHIIIII, better known as THE FRUIT BASKET!”
Atsushi flinched from Shougo’s invitation, trying to crouch behind Kurapika's seat. The spotlight twisted down in his direction and soon the audience were in upheaval, blocking Atsushi’s way by stretching their legs out, pushing him away.
Sanji recorded it all for the group chat.
Just then Shougo’s bodyguard, Bodyguard-san as he was better known, came out from under the stage where he lived. He shoved his way through rows and rows of people, grabbing Atsushi from his underarm and physically dragging him onto the stage.
Atsushi fell onto the stage on his knees, panting.
“The Fruit Basket is well known for his Onlyfans and his interesting ability to shove entire fruits up his asshole. Now tell us,” Shougo crouched, pointing the mic toward Atsushi, “What’s the biggest fruit you’ve ever gotten down there?”
“A watermelon,” Atsushi admitted, ashamed, “Though a pineapple was the most difficult. All of those prickles…” Atsushi fell into the dark recesses of his mind.
“Ooooh,” Shougo cheered, “Do you have something special for us shoved up there today Atsushi?” he winked to the audience, all of the women swooned. Except for Diane cause she ded.
“Well, now that you mention it…” Atsushi blushed. “I can show you right now. We actually prepared this just for Sheffield Harem.”
“Waaaaaa! Sounds exciting! Here let me help. Spread those cheeks so the live audience can get a better angle!”
The cameramen all immediately turned their cameras towards Atsushi, angling them for the perfect upward view of his asshole. The studio audience wolf-whistled and cheered.
Out spilled the kinder eggs, one by one. “Wow there’s a whole shit-tonne here! Literally! They’re coated in prime shit. Yum yum. I can't wait to eat these kinder eggs. Delicious!” Shougo licked his lips comically for the audience, all of which H O W L E D with laughter.
“They have an even better surprise than shit inside!” Kyoya announced, strolling onto the stage. “Cocaine!”
“Waaaaaaaa! I've always wanted to try cocaine! Ever since I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band. Seeing him die from a cocaine overdose was so inspiring. You can read all about it in my new memoirs: A Streetcar Named a-Shougo.”
“Wait one moment!” Kurapika cried. “You can't possibly sell your cocaine here!”
“And why ever not?” Chuuya growled.
“The disgusting university, Sheffield Harem inviseisy are already loyal customers to our current supplier, the Phantom Troupe,” Kurapika replied seriously.
“They sound scary!” Kunikida gasped.
Kurapika nodded seriously. “Yes they are. They’re very strong. One day I will kill them for killing my clan, but first I want to stock up on their delicious coke. They even serve it with a side of human leg. I'm not a chimera ant but I sure do love eating people!”
“Well, we’ll just have to see about this ‘Phantom Troupe’ then won't we?” Sanji cried.