A Pig In A Coke
Kyoya straightened his whittle suit jacket and ran his fingers through his hair, clipboard tucked under his arm. He looked left, and then right. He enjoyed frequenting the brothels just to get away from the stuffiness and general idiocy of his peers. Being at Knottingham Trent for that period of time was the hardest, thankfully it was in Britannia’s red light district and he had managed to find prostitutes on every roadside.
“Hey man,” Inosuke clapped Kyoya on the shoulder from behind.
Kyoya jumped; he hadn’t realised the hog-man was at the brothel at the same time as him, Kyoya tried not to go when people he knew were there.
“Jeez don’t seem so shocked. We were just having sex?” Inosuke tried to jog Kyoya’s memory. “I took off my mask??? I didn’t use my hog ability on you, I promise.”
“Ummmm I was with a girl??”
Inosuke coughed to hide his expression, his mask didn't have the power to do that. “Were you? Oh? Whoops, I must have been mistaken then. What’s that on that clipboard of yours?”
It was enough to distract the entrepreneur’s attention.
-
“REEEEEEE,” Inosuke cheered upon entering the common room.
Chopper looked up at him with big doe-eyes from the corner, he was still alive even though Yosano killed him because of her ability to bring people back to lyfe ofc. She was being paid handsomely for having to constantly be around chopper against her own will, and to sully her doctor title with that of veterinarian. He was wearing a high-vis band around his recently lost-and-returned limb, not that anyone had bothered to remember it had even been stolen in the first place.
“AHHHH Sushi-kuuuuun! I have some monies here for you from all of those tiger legs you sourced for me, it’s a little lower than I would normally give only because of the patchiness of the fur and general bad quality, the tailor struggled to make a complete set of gloves from them. I hope this doesn't bother you too much. Though can I recommend for you some of the tiger balm I recently sourced?”
The group of students were standing round a large pile of pure cocaine. It had been piled up into a mountain, grains kicked into the 100% alpaca fur woven carpet. It had cost millions, but with the money the university had put aside for luscious decorations they could easily replace it. Sanji was standing by the open window, twas very windy and much of the coke was hovering in the air in a thick fog of dust notes. The consequence of this was, of course, that everyone was slightly/very high.
“Ah, Insokue-san. Welcome back to the hallowed grounds of this prestigious university, Oxbridge University. It's so good to see you.” Tamaki bowed deeply, too deeply, and tripped over his legs and face-first into the cocaine heap. He laid there, resigned, a Tamaki-shaped indent in the coke-mountain.
“Thanks.”
“He’s here for the cocaine,” Kyoya said smugly, proud to be the first to find a customer for their enterprise. He wondered if this selling for charity business had a commissions system. If he could get a decent commission, that money could go to IMPORTANT things like his brothel trips or the host club. He wasn't expecting much from the group that had volunteered for the charity fundraising: Tamaki, Atsushi, Dazai, Kunikida, Zoro, Sanji, Chuuya and Akutagawa. And for some reason Chopper was here too, watching them. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand up, seeing the deer laying in his dog-bed, the lazy bastard. Couldn't even lift a hoof to help. It made him want to rip off his remaining legs too, and sell THEM to Inosuke for profit and then stab the deer with one of his own antlers as he lay there shedding and braying… Kyoya blinked. He didn’t usually have such violent, vivid thoughts. Chopper just seemed to have that effect on everybody. Dazai had actually tracked the source of his suicidal tendencies back to Chopper - but that was when Ayato was still around, before he got sent off to that bastard mental institution.
“Deer-san,” Inosuke sneered at Chopper, “Did you know that your friends thought I stole that disgusting mutt leg of yours? I only source the highest quality of meats.”
“You did have his leg though,” Nekozawa commented. He was sat on the Armani futon, staring blankly at the opposite wall and rocking slightly.
“Well someone SOLD it to me, what was i supposed to do, be a bad business man??? Cross me again and next time I'll eat the deer hole. That'll prove that I am the all-powerful Inosuke-sama!!! Bow down to me filthy peasants! Hahahahahahahahah!” Inosuke cheered for himself.
“Peasants?” Akutagawa choked out. He was shocked. “Don’t you DARE call Dazai-san a peasant! One Dazai-san is worth a- a- hundred of you!”
He glanced over at Dazai hopefully, proud of himself for defending Dazai from those mean comments, but Dazai didn’t even acknowledge him. He looked ahead, bored, not paying Akutagawa any attention. Akitagawa just felt like grabbing his mentor by his shoulders and shaking him, all while shrieking NOTICEEEE ME SEMMMPAIII.
Just at that moment the entire cocaine mountain collapsed, much of it falling onto the fallen body of the fallen comrade Tamaki.
“Tamaki, are you okay?” asked Dazai at once.
Akutagawa turned away in despair, vowing vengeance upon Tamaki. He helped himself to fistfuls of cocaine to deal with the pain. His eyes were red, and not just from the coke.
Kyoya only sighed. “Do you want the coke or not Inosuke?”
“Yes.” Inosuke replied, holding his hand out impatiently.
“Well, hang on a minute. Let's talk money. How much coke do you want?” Chuuya said sternly, eyes glinting from under his hat.
“No money. Give me coke,” Inosuke ordered sharply. “I am in charge now, and you will do as I say.”
“Excuuuuse me? No. We are selling cocaine for money. This is all to raise money for charity!” Atsushi growled.
“And I just told you I don't have any! If I had money I would be lazing about in a university, studying the best subject astrology! But I don't have any, and I'm forced to work away selling humans that I've turned into pigs! The world is a cruel place. It's a pig eat pig world out there! Now, give me this cocaine! The cocaine Hat Man gave me was of a very good quality. It sold fast from my shop and now there is a demand. I need more coke to sell to my customers!”
“You're planning on selling it on to your customers for profit?” Kyoya asked, glasses glinting as he pushed his glasses up further on the rim of his nose, glancing down at his clipboard.
“What do you think the secret ingredient in my deer leg ramen is??? It most certainly ISN’T the deer leg, I'll tell you that!” Inosuke practically screamed, sending a fiery glare toward chopper. “Do you even know why I make deer leg ramen??? It’s because I think the whole species is useless and deserves to die in the most painful way possible! If I have one singular goal in my entire lyfe, it is to over-hunt deers until the entire damn species goes extinct! Every time I find a deer in the wild pastures of my garden I throw a molotov cocktail at it and watch the bastard burn alight, stupid deer legs kicking about while the beast panics and fights only to succumb to the fiery glory of the hellfire charring is flesh! I hate deers, all of them! The fact I'm in the same room as one right now is merely a testament of our friendship and the amount I value you! I hate them! I hate deers, the f-”
Chopper cried loudly and messily in the corner, head swung back at an unnatural angle as he bleated and made other such animal noises. He rolled around in his dog bed, much like a pig, shedding his disgusting unwashed-for-months hair as he did so. THIS was why, as a new University-wide rule, Chopper was no longer allowed on any of the sofas or chairs. This was applicable to classrooms as well. He was just lucky Shanks was his teacher, as he accommodated for this by keeping a dog bed (which he found dumped on theside of the road) at the back of the room. With most of the other teachers, he would probably not have even been allowed in the room. Atsushi winced at the disgusting sight and turned his face away.
Dazai nodded in the corner. The hog made a good point. Behind him the other students also nodded. Putting up with Chopper had been very taxing for all of the students.
“Fair enough. Perhaps we can strike a deal then. We give you a few keys of coke, you use this in your restaurant. And then you give us, say 50% of the profits?” Kyoya asked.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh! 50?!?” Inosuke screamed. “I don't know what number that is but it sounds huuuge! No. I can’t believe it, I just CAN’T BELIEVE IT! After months of budding friendship, and you try to do me so dirty! No, no one wrongs Inosuke! I shall give you 95%. 95% or nothing, I say!”
“Deal!” Kyoya smirked. Thank god the pig was stupid.
“Great! Then that's sorted!” Dazai smiled. “Let us make a toast to our new business deal with some cocaine?”
Inosuke chuckled, thinking about how easy the students were to fool. He usually only kept 0.3% of all profits! He’d increased his margins hugely! The gullible students.
The students all cheered, and reached in and helped themselves to a handful of coke each. They could spare it after all, they had so much here. Well all of them except Tamaki who was still buried underneath the mountain of cocaine that no one had helped him out from. He still smiled encouragingly at them though, proud of the boyos for selling the drugs.
-
Pokkle sat on his hell-throne, which was of course made from the skeletons of his victims. His navy suit jacket, tailored to the size of a pre-pubescent child, reached just past his elbow, showing his midriff from where the shirt was too short. What were supposed to be knee-length shorts only just covered a couple of inches past his ass, his toes squeezed into the deceased earl’s heeled shoes. His heels were resting on the crouching body of that sexi butt-ler, Sebastian, who was on all fours. Pokkle stared down to earth using a magnifying glass, humming when he saw all of the things his ex-peers were up to.
“Sebastian,” Pokkle tried to lower his magnifying glass but the tightness of the tiny suit restricted his movements, “I require you to descend to the depths of humanity and locate an officer of the law and inform on the weasels at the disgraceful Oxbridge.”
“Absolutely,” Sebastian was just glad to be able to stand up after the five days he had been stuck being Pokkle’s footstool. In such a position he was usually face-to-face with the skeleton of his late young master Ciel, who was also the owner of the fine fabrics Pokkle chose to wear. “I know just of the man. He’s young. Sexy. Titillating. Exceedingly flexible. One time I-” Sebastian cut himself off. He found himself chattering when given the opportunity. He would be Pokkle’s footstool for weeks at a time, completely silent and statuesque on all fours. It took a toll on even a demon’s sanity, Sebastian found himself missing the companionship of his young master and all of the other ingrates in the Phantomhive manor.
-
Twenty-five minutes later Sebastian was at his favourite coffee shop, ordering his favourite drink. A pumpkin spice frappalappachino. Then five more.
“Ahhhhhhh,” Hisoka wheeled up to Sebastian at the cafe. “I like bois who like sweet drinks.”
“I like bois with four functional limbs,” Sebastian replied dryly. He recognised Hisoka from the Pedophiles Anonymous meetings, back in the day when he tried to cure his disease. But Ciel had died so eh, he had no more muse. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my - my coffee meeting? My coffee guest? I am unaware of what the right phrasing would be, I have spent far too long as a footstool. Anyway, I'm meeting someone. So shoo.”
Nishijima hadn’t noticed Sebastian outside of the coffee shop yet. He went up to the barista.
“Hi, I would like one pumpkin spice frappalappachino,” he ordered.
“Sorry we are all out of frappa, that black butler down there finished it all off. Might I offer you the pumpkin spice chappalappachino?” her name tag read ‘Melody’. She was standing on a footstool so she could reach over the high counter.
“Hmm,” Nishijima considered, “I’m not a huge fan of chappa. What about the pumpkin spice lappalappachino?”
“Ah, we don’t do the pumpkin spice lappalappachino at this branch, but we have the chai spice lappalappachino if that sounds good to you?” Melody suggested.
“Can’t you just take the lappalappachino from the chai spice lappalappachino and add it to the pumpkin spice?”
“I’m sorry I dont have the authorization to do that.”
“Might I speak to your manager?”
“Um I’m sorry,” Melody frowned at him. “Is your name Karen or what?
“No it’s Nishijima and I am the entirety of the police force of this district. Me. Me only. I never sleep. I never eat. The only break I take is me coming here every day at exactly this time and ordering a pumpkin spice frappalappachino, which you have sold me every day for the past three years. So don’t tell me you don’t sell them. I’d like to speak to your boss, he can make me the drink if you can’t.”
Silva hulked from behind Melody. As a hardworking man that didn’t need his parents to pay his bills, he had many jobs. As a parent himself, it was his duty to make sure his own children’s WiFi bills and phone bills were paid for as well. He loved his smol, precious children and would NEVER abuse them!!!!! He had many ‘World’s Best Daddy’ mugs to prove this. “Hey Nishijima what’s the problem? Melody you should recognise this young fellow, he’s a regular. Nishijima this is our new hire, Melody. And here is your frappalappachino, I knew you'd be here at exactly this time as you are every day and didn't want to hold you up from looking after this entire district as the entirety of the police force.”
Nishijima thanked the hardworking man and turned, drink in-hand, looking for a spare seat in the cafe. It was then that he saw Sebastian and his stacks of empty frappalappachino cups.
“Nishijima,” Sebastian stood in greeting, “It is a pleasure to see you again. I have some news of interesting illegal illicit drug-related activity you might be interested in hearing about.”
“Owo? What’s this? Drugs? Tell me more Sebastian-chan.”