Easy Come, Easy Coke
The students looked up toward their headmaster, expressions troubled. Ranpo was the only one that looked unruffled, used to Fukazawa’s glittering tears. He’d returned from Kenji’s farm soon after Chopper’s leg had been located, and had used the Kohinoor Diamond to return the pastures to their former gloryhole (it made GREAT fertiliser).
Fukazawa wiped a tear. He pursed his lips, looking toward the ceiling of the prestigious university, Oxbridge University. All of the students had been beckoned for an EMERGENCY university assembly in the Great Hall. The room had the capacity for over 1,500; there was plenty of room for the thirty or so Oxbridge students.
“I can’t BELIEVE it,” he cried, voice wobbling with tension, “I just CAN’T BELIEVE it!”
Kakashi licked his finger and flipped the page of his favourite eroitica, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The hippogriff was quite the specimen - from an objective perspective.
“At this moment in time, Knottingham Trent has raised FIFTY, yes FIFTY, pounds for charity. Deus has been tweeting about it nonstop, showing off about this, Prince Andrew even retweeted the dirty bastard! He put Prince Andrew’s name in his own bio fgs, he thinks he’s sooooo famous now! He even called me, going on about his star students Yuki Amano and Eren Yeager and their efforts in their cake sale. I won't have this! I can't stand that slimy bastard getting ahead of me, of US, of our prestigious university. Oxbridge should be the only university on everyone’s lips, in their thoughts, in their hearts. What kind of university would we be if we were not the object of everyone’s dreams, wet or otherwise. We are a prestigious university. I even paid someone to write a fanfiction about how great Oxbridge is!”
“How well is it doing?” Chopper piped up from the front row, “I bet so many people are reading it and I bet it’s ssuuuuper popular with loads of kudoses and comments, who wouldn’t know about our prest-”
“Kill him,” Mustang ordered Yosano under his breath. She discreetly grabbed his torso and wheeled the boi out, taking autonomy of his hind wheel-legs due to his multiple amputations.
“Well then we’ll just have to show them we’re better!” Kaoru was the first to reply.
Everyone agreed, nodding violently.
“We’ll do our own fundraising!” Honey said from the crowd, visible sitting on Mori’s strong lean shoulders, the muscles on his abs twitching from the strain. If only he was shirtless, Tamaki thought sadly.
Fukuzawa couldn't stop the smile spreading over his tearful face, like butter over some fresh toast. He was so grateful to have such wonderful students. “Im grateful to have such wonderful students. I will support you boyos with whatever endeavor you wish to beat Knottingham Trent off!”
“We could do our own bake sale!” Atsushi suggested excitedly.
“JEEZ Atsushi we can’t copy their idea! Have a little originality, think a little!” replied Sanji. Meanwhile he thought about Atsushi’s lost fur and how much bread they could auction that bad boi off for. At least a fiver.
Dazai patted his kohai on the shoulder sympathetically. Though he agreed with Sanji, he couldn't help but feel he must support his bootiful boyo first, they were still repairing their relationship after Dazai’s amnesia had finally been cured. Atsushi’s cat ears and tail immediately popped out, and a little purr came out, causing Dazai to immediately put his hand away, slightly creeped out.
“We could make quiche,” Zoro suggested with a grunt. “Loads of egg whites, great protein content. Plus we can get fake bacon from Inosuke, we have our own supplier. I for some will be mad for some quiche. How do you think I maintain my sleek musculature? It’s all egg whites. I even drink them. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I-”
“SHHH!” Kyoka hissed at the boi.
Zoro, absolutely indignant at the AUDACITY, opened his mouth for a smooth rebuttal -
“Guys, guys,” Kyoya tried to relax the situation, “Don’t you remember the last time we had quiche and someone scraped out all the egg filling? Quiches are banned from the university now after that heinous crime, Zoro please stop trying to get us to break Oxbridge law.”
“Yeah!” Sanji screamed, “We all know it was you - yes YOU -” Sanji pointed menacingly at the culprit, “Who ate the quiche ANYWAY ZOOOROOOO, big bodybuilder egg-white man, i shan’t EVER forgive you for that crime against my culinary skills moss-head! You left behind the buttery, flaky pastry and ate the egg out of your hand like a heathen, the scrambled egg and onion strings pasting all over your fingers!”
“Crust had carbs. Carbs bad,” Zoro grunted.
Shanks held a hand up, instantly diffusing the tension with his singular limb. “Clearly quiche is a sore topic,” he said solemnly. “I propose we cut off my delectable remaining arm and donate it to charity, surely a limb would be worth more than £50?”
“I got both of chopper’s for free,” Ace piped up from the back of the hall.
“What was that?” Fukazawa.
“I GOT,” Ace shouted, enunciating, “BOTH OF CHOPPER’S LEGS FOR FREE WHEN I ATE THEM!”
“That’s true. Maybe limbs aren’t worth much.” Shanks agreed, smiling warmly. His other nephew, Ace, was a very smart boi.
Chuuya was watching from the back. His hat was pulled forwards, obscuring most of his face. He leaned against the doorway seductively, one leg crossed over the other. He was too kool for skool. But then he spoke up. “If we’re looking for something to sell, then I may be able to help.”
Everyone turned to look back at him.
“If you've got something to say then get on with it, Hat-rack,” Dazai drawled.
Chuuya scowled but continued. “I happen to have… acquired, a rather large amount of coke.”
“Coca Cola?!?” Honey asked excitedly. Ranpo also perked up. He was known for enjoying fizzy drinks, but daddy Fukazawa only let him drink them supervised after accusing him- falsely- of spilling them on his desk.
Chuuya laughed at the boi’s innocence. “Hahhahaha! I laugh at your innocence.” He pointed a gloved finger at the small child as he laughed at his innocence. “No, I mean COCAINE of course!”
“And where exactly did you get this, Mr Fancy Hat?” Ranpo asked harshly. He knew exactly where, of course, he was Rabpo after all. What kind of super detective would he be if he couldn't detect where Chuuya acquired his drugs for the bois. He only asked because he knew it would irritate the shorter man, and he was upset for getting his hopes up for fizzy drinks.
“None of your business!” Chuuya snapped back. He didn't want to disclose that the coke was from his shady mafia connections for fear that he would be scolded by his mentor Hawkeye for being involved with such dangerous people.
“How much coke are we talking about?” Kyoya asked cooly, his glasses already glinting. He had his clipboard ready, his biro pen in hand, he was prepared to start calculations at any time. He was a business boyo after all. He needed maths to live. Without maths, his one form of substance, he would surely wither and die.
“Enough to beat those rapscallions at Knottingham Trent. I hated that skool the moment I entered. There was only one other student in the music department. Shaiapouf. He played the violin and cried all the time. I had to use my knowledge of jis jitsu to have a legendary fight with him. In the end I decapitated him. I’m finally safe from Shaiapouf…” Chuuya trailed off. He suddenly felt inspired to write a song. “We must beat them, in honour of his dreadful memory, we must continue to ruin Knottingham Trent until they are shut down. They deserve it.”
“This sounds like a good idea then,” Tamaki nodded excitedly.
“What charity are we raising money for?” asked Naruto.
Tomoe crossed his fingers, hoping it would be for the brothels.
Fukuzawa stared at him. He had ‘forgotten’ that in a fundraiser they would normally need a charity to fundraise for. Fukazawa had hoped his students wouldn't notice and he would be able to keep the money for himself.
“Does anyone have a charity in mind?” he asked the student body, not wanting to admit he did not even know the names of any charities himself. They were always about saving animals or people or whatever. He couldn’t go around caring about all the CHOPPERS of the world when he was THE headmaster of such a prestigious university.
“Didn’t Knottingham Trent donate to save the Amazon Rainforest?” said Hawkeye. While he didn’t follow Knottingham Trent or Prince Andrew on twitter, he did follow the Queen’s twitter account (he was not in favour of a monarchy - and he taught young Luffy all the reasons why- but he deemed it important to at least be aware of what was going on by following all the world leaders on Twitter) , and she too had retweeted the university’s fundraising efforts. Thankfully she would soon be dead from old age, otherwise Hawkeye would have to take his own drastic measures due to her sheer BLASPHEMY.
“We could donate to Ayato’s mental institution,” Sasuke mentioned solemnly. He missed the old therapist deerly, the man had to be taken away after it was discovered that he had chopped the deer Chopper’s leg off and stolen it.
“Nah don’t worry about it,” Shanks said, “I’m paying for that boi to get all the help he needs, he’s covered. Twas but pocket change. Anything for an old friend.” Shanks sighed wistfully, “You only get a friend like that once in a lyfetime, you know? And to lose them…”
Kunikida was the one that spoke up this time. “How about Potato Chips for Prisons?” he asked. It had been advertised on the episode of Prank Stage!!! that the students had been involved with.
“A great suggestion,” Kakashi said idly while reading, “I remember how irritating it was when myself and all of the other professors were out in prison for - what was it again? Oh, I can’t even remember -”
“Some kids died, no biggie.” Hawkeye replied tonelessly.
“Ah yes, for those few sparse murders that occurred. But alas twas a difficult time, everytime I wanted chips in prison I was forced to go through hallways of prisoners just to go to the corner shop! It shouldn’t be so hard just to get vital potato-related nutrition. Potato chips should be delivered, and that’s FINAL.”
Tomoe was the first to nod. He had felt the passion in each utterance Kakashi uttered and was wholly moved by it.
Followed by Tamaki, whose vision was glazed with tears.
One by one each Oxbridge student, professor, janitor, and member of the medial team fell into a wave of nods.
Pokkle sat on his hell-throne, watching, Sebastian laying on the floor as a mat for when Pokkle would grace the floors of hell with his muddy feet. He twisted Sebastian’s long dildo between his fingers. The butler did have one hell of a butt.
Pokkle could not stop himself when his head too fell into nods.