I'm A-Freud So
Kunikida took a deep breath, and many more over the course of trying to relay their findings to the office of tutors (coincidentally happened to be all of them bar Ayato) and by the end of his tirade he was quite high off second-hand weed smoke.
“I didn’t even think it possible,” Dazai said in awe, staring at Kunikida’s dazed state. “A medical miracle.”
“Wait,” Shanks held his hand up, his dog Bitch Luffy yipping at his heels, “So you’re saying you suspect AYATO, your professor, had the ability to commit this heinous crime? He wouldn’t, he’s a good man.”
“It’s just a theory,” Kyoya backtracked a little. He knew they had been slapdash with their accusations before - for the entirety of the day really - and had no intention of angering Shanks.
Fukazawa lent back on his love seat, it was a matching set with the sofa in Ayato’s office - a ‘welcome to Oxbridge’ gift. In return Ayato had bought Fukazawa the very seat he was lounging on, basically they were the friendship bracelet equivalent for rich people. He seemed to be silently pondering what the students had said, however no one could tell if he was just super high or actually listening.
“If it’s any consolation, i doubt anyone who is mentally stable would have the ability to commit such a crime. He’s probably been struggling with these urges for a while, maybe he’s a psychopath or a sociopath,” Kunikida stated.
“Are they being for real,” Tomoe muttered to Kakashi, leaning over in his seat, “I’d hate to get onto their bad side.”
Kakashi, Mustang, Hawkeye and Hawkeye nodded, Fukazawa continued to stare at the students through his squinted glare.
Yosano listened on in silence. She hadn’t wanted to come and hear everyone speak so negatively about Ayato but at the same time couldn't stand the thought of not being present. Also she would have no distraction aside from Chopper’s lame body in the hospital wing. Alas, if only she knew that Clay was in the torture chambers! She could amuse herself by killing the boi over and over again and bringing him back using her ability.
“You’ve been sleeping with him?” Fukazawa addressed the young ex-Oxbridge-student-come-onsite-junior-doctor, “Do you think he is capable of this?” Kunikida had of course relayed the findings inside of Ayato’s journal, including his extracurriculars.
Yosano cleared her throat, expression troubled, face fixed in a frown. “I’m not quite sure. I don’t know him that well, we just - had that spark, you know?” she wouldn't mention that they had already decided to get married, it was one of their few conversations.
“He’s a good man,” Hawkeye lent over and, using his credit card, cut some of the white ‘baking soda’ on the glass-top coffee table, rolling up a cashier’s cheque for £1,000,000 and pressing it between his nostril and the coke, snort snort. He pulled away from the table, rubbing his nose and leaning back.
Just at that moment the door swung open and Ayato walked in calmly, as stony as he always was - perhaps even moreso. “Hey guys,” he said stoically, swinging a woven basket in his grip, “I’m so glad everyone’s here. There was a hog furry - he called himself Inosuke - selling his ware door-to-door. I picked up this hamper as a thank you to my co-workers and students for being so warm and welcoming.” He scrunched up Hawkeye’s cashier check in his grip and replaced it with his bacon hamper, which upon closer inspection was made of bacon. Oh, how many bodies of how many victims seduced by Inosuke and then turned into hogs had it taken to make such a glorious hamper? Was it cannibalism, if the humans had undergone their full metamorphosis into hogs, a metamorphosis even Gregor could not undergo? Had these humans reached full freedom from the restraint of society via their transformation, did Inosuke give them a gift no-one else could?
Naruto cleared his throat awkwardly, tugging at his collar.
//“Speak of the devil!” Pokkle cackled from his hell-throne, tossing his head back, eyes sharp and narrowed, purple turban looking so, so damn evil.//
“Speak of the devil,” Fukazawa said from his love seat, tipping his head to the side, silver hair looking so, so damn sexi.
Kid Luffy stood on his tip-toes by the hamper and took a large bite out of its base, gnawing and slobbering all over it. Shanks patted his head adoringly.
The students looked towards Fukazawa for direction, but the man did little more than take a puff of the joint Tomoe had made for him.
It was Yosano’s regretful gaze and level voice that broke the silence. “Ayato, we were just wondering what you were doing this morning?”
Ayato looked briefly in her direction, quirking a cool brow. “Yosano-kun - excuse me, I mean Yosano - i was most likely with a patient this morning. Why?”
“By this morning,” Kunikida jumped in, absolutely shameless when it came to interrogating the boyo (perhaps his ADA days were shining through), “We mean to ask between the time you woke up and breakfast in the great hall.”
“Why do you ask?” Ayato seemed to finally pick up on the tension permeating the air, his form becoming unnoticeably more stoic.
“It’s important...for the investigation into Chopper’s missing shaft,” Atsushi said, frown riddling his expression.
Ayato’s gaze remained steely and distant, “Then I suppose I just have to tell you the truth. It’s something I didn't want to reveal so early on, and Fukazawa I must apologise to you first for not telling you about this. I should have told you during our non-formal interview in that strip club. But I have a problem with my short-term memory, my therapist tells me it is part of the lingering trauma after watching my family be murdered. They beheaded my sister and i can remember my father’s screams as they did it - oops, sorry for the TMI. But if you would like to know where I was I will retrieve my journal from my office; in there I note down where I am at all times of the day.”
“DOES YOUR JOURNAL HAPPEN TO LOOK LIKE THIS!” Kunikida shouted shrilly, slapping the journal onto the ex-coke table. It yeeted the remainder of the bacon-basket over, falling onto the floor.
Kid Luffy screamed a scream of mortal terror and ran to Kunikida, climbing up his body. Kunikida tried to swat the boi off him but he knew that with Shanks in the room, he was powerless to do anything. If he accidentally hurt Luffy then Shanks would surely end Kunikida’s lyfe (less than Ideal).
Kid Luffy grabbed Kunikida’s Ideal from his pocket with a roar, dropping off the rat-tailed bastard and running to the other side of Fukazawa’s office, locking himself in a cupboard. Kunikida ran after him.
But by the time he managed to prise the cupboard open, fingers bloody and skin peeled away from the flesh, Kid Luffy had already ripped the spine of the Ideal apart, book pages littered on the floor. The Kid’s face was red in anger and he chewed on a sheet of the Ideal maliciously, staring at Kunikida with tear-glazed eyes.
“A’ight, i just got off the phone with the Ideal-man,”
Kunikida looked towards Shanks in hope,
“And made sure to block you from ordering anything from him for the next six months, that was an asshole move dude,” Shanks said lowly.
Kunikida muttered his most woeful ‘Not today satan’ and stepped out of an ajar window.
“Typical,” Dazai sighed.
Meanwhile Ayato had picked up his journal, irritated that someone had stolen his prized possession from him.
“So...that IS your journal?” Kakashi asked. The teachers were finally interested, it actually seemed that the students’ theory may have some element of truth to it???
“It’s the One Piece of my lyfe I value, and it’s absolutely ghoulish y’all stole it, whoever did that is a shippuden - i mean shite head,” Ayato said blankly.
Yosano bit her lip, trying to conceal her worry.
“Read out your entry from this morning,” Dazai ordered in a tone that came off as a suggestion.
“Shut up,” Sasuke and (to everyone’s surprise) Victor said in unison.
They both looked at each other in understanding, this man had helped them through dark times, healed wounds they didn't know they even had. Sasuke had never felt more complete than in those brief moments after leaving Ayato’s office.
But Ayato had already flipped to a central page, eyes following his lopsided script. He stood still, frozen, upon seeing the words.
“Is it true?” Yosano’s voice trembled unintentionally.
“This can’t be...Yosano-kun, I wouldn’t do this, what would I want with Chopper’s leg?”
“Is it your handwriting?” Fukazawa held Kid Luffy in his lap, soothing the boi by giving him some of the smarties he kept in his pocket for Ranpo and Juuzo (although the boi was from a different school, he often came all the way to Oxbridge for Fukuzawa-Sensei’s smarties). Thankfully Ranpo wasn’t there to see his father give attention to another boyo.
“Yes, but - but I...I wouldn’t,” Ayato’s voice was filled with doubt.
The room sat in pause. The students had dropped their chins regretfully. The teachers seemed absolutely flabbergasted. All that could be heard was the painful cries of Kunikida from the ajar window, his cries for Yosano. Her gaze was stuck to Ayato’s figure, he couldn’t look away from his journal, fingers running over his entry.
Everyone, even Ayato, understood; the man who had taken the reindeer leg was the man who had no rael motive and couldn't remember the act.
“Do you remember doing anything else this morning, being anywhere else or maybe having a witness that could corroborate your story?” Victor (who having served as a witness once himself knew all about the importance of such witnesses and alibis) stood up, too much restless energy thrumming through his veins. His lips were tightened in a line. Goddamn it, if it weren’t for Chopper then none of this would have happened! First the boy missed Shanks’ lesson, next he made such a big deal about a little stolen limb - the sheer audacity! Victor felt like he owed everything to Ayato for helping him work through all the trauma Pokkle had inflicted on him. Without Ayato, he would not have been able to go back to his former self again, would not have found himself so accepted by the staff and students, would not have this newfound confidence that had allowed him to even tell the intimidating student Dazai to shut up. Noticing how uncharacteristically sirius and upset Victor was, Soma took his hand and squeezed it comfortingly.
“We could check CCTV footage,” suggested Shanks, his voice had taken a note of desperation when he realised Ayato had no forthcoming reply to Victor, “There must be some record.”
“Shanks,” Fukazawa’s voice was gentle. Only he and the other tutors had seen what Shanks was like after Yuki, even during his first few months in the psych ward. It was a dark time, one that Oxbridge would not be able to withstand again.
“No harm done,” Shanks appealed. “Chopper’s leg is back and no one was hurt, I doubt the reindeer will even remember what happened - he’s quite the resilient fellow -”
“I’m sorry, Shanks,” Ayato’s gaze was still flitting over those cursed words: 6:30 steal Chopper’s leg, 6:30 steal Chopper’s leg, 6:30 steal Chopper’s leg. “It’s true. It must be true. Why else would I…”
Shanks looked down with his fists clenched to his sides, and male!Hawkeye watched him from the corner of his eye. It was hard seeing his closest friend upset like this. And of course, he was quite fond of Ayato as well - because of their similar personalities, it had felt like he and Ayato were almost always on the same wavelength. Their bond was a strong one- many a time they had shared a glance or nodded at each other in passing! Hawkeye couldn’t stand to look at the students, the nosy idiots! If only they kept their noses out of it, never found the loser student’s leg. If it was the last thing Hawkeye did he would ENSURE that dumbass Chopper would get expelled from the school, maybe set him up for an ‘accidental’ death. Chopper inability to look after his legs properly shouldn't be taken out on innocent people like Ayato - this was Chopper’s responsibility, not Ayatos, why should Ayato suffer for Chopper’s mistake, if Chopper wasnt going to value his limbs properly then maybe it was only right for them to be taken from him???
“I thought I was better than this,” Ayato muttered, “I thought this was behind me. I apologise...for bringing this upon your school, Fukazawa. I can only hope that you won't hate me for this. I have a phone call to make. If you’ll excuse me-”
“Hold it right there!” Dazai barked, reaching out to stop Ayato from leaving.
“No, let him leave,” ordered Fukuzawa. At once Dazai froze, lowering his arm, though he looked at the headmaster in confusion. Why did he trust him so much?
Ayato stepped outside the office, phone in hand. The staff and students waited for Ayato to come back in silence, which the occasional impatient sigh from Dazai. They could hear his voice but not discern what he was saying.
After fifteen or so minutes had passed - of course Ayato couldn’t remember how long he’d been there - Ayato came back, flanked by three men in lab coats. Was this an attacc? Dazai, Sanji, and Zoro immediately reached for their weapons (or in Sanjis case, prepared his own limbs) to ready themselves. They didn’t know much about the former terrorist’s fighting abilities but they were sure whatever powers he had must be impressive for him to be so respected by the staff.
“HEWWO we meen no harm, its-a-me a-Mario, this is my best fiend-slash-brother-slash-lover Luigi and our side hoe mushroom, we are a-here to a-take a-Ayato to a-a facility, a-goodbye,” Mario seemed displeased when Ayato didn’t immediately reach for the straight jacket he was holding out.
“You see I was already aware of the gaps in memory I’ve been having-” (Dazai nodded in understanding) “and there’s always been a-moments where I completely black out and something heinous has happened. This started when I was a child and my father and sister were killed. There were no suspects, outside of myself and I do not even remember what I was doing that day. I always wondered but now I have a theory. If stealing Chopper’s leg was written in the diary, this is something I must have done, although I do not remember this either. I cannot diagnose myself but the only plausible explanation I can come up with is that I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was the one that hurt so many people, and yet I have no recollection of my own crimes. Staying here would only put more people in danger. Imagine if I were to steal a limb of a student I actually care about? I couldn’t live with myself. I have decided the safest thing for everyone is for me to be taken away.”
Mario a-lost patience when Ayato continued to ignore the straight jacket he was holding out for him. With an angry cry, he brought out his stun gun. “A-stop a-resisting!” he cried as he launched at himself at Ayato, pinning the man to the floor. Ayato went limp, letting the man violently pull his hands behind his back to restrain him. Finally, Mario was able to wrap the straight jacket around the man. He pulled him back to his feet sharply, one hand wrapped painfully tight around Ayato’s bounded arms.
Yosano blinked a few times, unable to look at Ayato restrained by his straight jacket, the boi’s blue hair settled messily over his brow.
“Did you even want what happened between us?” her voice was low, broken, unlike the Yosano the students knew. They all looked between each other but female!Hawkeye was quick to pull something out of her pocket and throw it to the floor, creating a soundproof barrier between the pair.
Kakashi frowned at her, he needed new inspiration for his next erotica novel and a couples arguments fuelled by sexual tension and betrayal would have been FECKING GR8.
When she stared at him, Yosano couldn't help but feel selfish - Ayato had just made a life-changing decision and she was hung up on a few nights and sweet words.
“Yes,” his tone held no doubt, “how could I forget our time together? When I first saw you, I-”
“A-AYATO!” Mario screamed, walls shaking, cement crumbling from the ceiling. He pulled out some green and red shells from his pocket, launching them at Ayato at full strength as Luigi cheered him on.
“A-got you now, bitch,” he said triumphantly.
The shells simply bounced off Ayato's body, as he either ignored, or was not aware of, their presence.
Fukazawa sighed, now fiddling with Ranpo’s tamagotchi - he’d promised to keep the pest alive.
He held her gaze for a few beats, then turned away, blue hair hiding his expression from her. Mario and Luigi each grabbed one of his forearms, mushroom watched on with a gaze as heated as Pokkle’s wrath.
Ayato left with his head tipped down in shame to the sound of Kunikida’s pained moans of ‘mamma mia’ from outside the ajar window.
“And that’s the end of that chapter,” Naruto sighed satisfactorily. “Now we know Ayato was the thief all along. And now we can return to our pursuit of education, and leave this farce behind us. I for one am looking forward to settling down with a nice bowl of deer leg ramen by the fire in the common room. Who’s with me?”
The others nodded.
“Wow it's like you've read my mind. This whole time I've really been fancying deer leg. Pokkle knows why,” Ace nodded along.
“What a wonderful idea!” Fukazawa smiled and nodded. “I WOULD join you, HECK I’d love to but unfortunately i’ve got a meeting with mister obwama and his babie obwamas, so I’ll have to REGRETFULLY pass up on this very welcoming opportunity.”
The students and teachers smiled and nodded some more. Even Sebastian who was watching from outside the window nodded in appreciation. One day they'll nod so much that their heads will fall off. But that day was not today, satan. Not today…