Friend Or Doe?
Victor dropped the bin-bag covered leg at the foot of Chopper’s hospital bed. Soma hung off his arm and stroked the ring on his finger, murmuring “my precious,” to himself in a hoarse voice.
“V-V-Victor?” Chopper rasped blearily, “Yosano left a while ago to have a cig break and no one has given me more morphine since, that was seven hours ago, I’m in so much pain.”
“Sucks,” Victor coughed under his breath, “Who can sew this back on? I have some rudimentary needlework skills, what from sewing leotards and bin bags. Should I give it a shot?”
“Go for it, babe,” Soma practically glowed, stroking Victor’s arm.
Ayato spawned in to the hospital room, running his fingers through his blue hair with a sigh. As always he looked extraordinary beautiful. “Hey Ace,” he said to the coat hanger, mistaking it for the shirtless man who was nowhere to be seen. “That’s the leg, right?” the terrorist pointed toward the bin bag on the bed.
“Ya, just found it,” Victor said blandly.
“I heard you two got engaged by the way, congrats,” Ayato began.
Chopper coughed thickly from the bed, breaking off the conversation.
Ayato rolled his eyes, too subtle for the thick-skulled boyos around him to notice. “I’ll send a message to the group chat about the good news of your returned leg Chopper, you should get medical attention soon for its reattachment. And I know you’ll appreciate the company.”
Soon after Ayato left - he must have made some strong remarks to the students as they spawned in ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, even though they had left Chopper’s leg abandoned in a pile of his shite just two hours ago. Nekozawa had his head bent, fiddling on his Nintendo Switch - another new piece of technology that was the envy of the common room. Atsushi loomed over his shoulder, watching Nekozawa play his game, NintenTigers.
Sanji instantly turned his attention to the TV on the wall, pulling out chairs for himself and Chuuya. Zoro immediately fell on the floor for a nap.
“Hem hem,” Chopper brayed horsely.
None of the students said anything. Tamaki sat in the corner relaying Dazai everything he had forgotten from his amnesia.
“AND NEXT UP ON PRANK STAGE!! -” the TV blared, Sanji instantly turned the volume up.
“Ooooh!” All of the students, bar Chopper, cheered. Even Yosano spawned in for the event, apologising to Chopper for going out for some tea. Chopper hissed spitefully.
The students surrounded the TV and watched the rerun of Atsushi being disgusting, needless to say the house elves would spend the next day or two scrubbing vomit out of every crevice of the hospital wing.
Atsushi cried in the corner, Tamaki was surrounded by a shroud of mushrooms.
“Who’s stitching the leg back on?” Yosano rolled her gum between her teeth with a smack. “I refuse to stoop so low as a veterinarian. And Chopper is the other certified doctor, but he seems to be incapacitated.”
“Refuse?” Chopper whined, tears sliding into his fur.
Just at that moment, the Great Luffini yeeted into the room, he had found his outfit in Uncle Shanks’ possession. He was holding the botany teacher’s hand and leading her into the medical wing like a smol smol boi.
“What’s this?” the botany teacher asked. She tried to hide her disgust when looking at Chopper’s sweating, pained body.
“M-morphine,” the reindeer begged, but Sanji just turned up the volume of the TV.
“I think he wants Malteasers,” the Great Luffini suggested, “Luckily for you I know magic, here ya go!” he pulled a bag out of his pocket and started eating them by the fistful.
“His leg was chopped off,” Nekozawa finally looked up from his switch and to Hawkeye the botany teacher, a magic user he highly respected. “We’re trying to find someone with the skills to sew it back on.”
Hawkeye briefly looked over the students - watching TV, playing video games, drinking and napping. They clearly weren’t trying all that hard.
“I can,” she said. “It’s a simple spell, I use some plant roots to sew it back on and within hours they disintegrate into the natural fibres of the body. I have to warn you, it’s painful.”
All of the students nodded, that wouldn't be a problem.
“M-morphine,” Chopper begged, tears flowing into his fur and matting it. His snout ran with snot and Hawkeye visibly cringed.
“It would be preferable if you didn’t say anything - actually, you’re not allowed to talk. Does anyone have a paper bag?”
The Great Luffini used his incredible magic again to procure a paper bag that had just been in his pocket and Hawkeye forced it over the struggling Chopper’s head. Much better.
“Morphine - morphine - morphine -” Chopper continued to beg, his begs turning into screams after not too long once Hawkeye started rejoining his leg.
At the student’s request the Great Luffini bewitched the TV so the volume would be loud enough to drown out Chopper’s disgusting and feeble cries of pain.
After a while Chopper passed out in pain and everyone in the entire world sighed in relief. Even the aliens spying on the earthlings were relieved.
“He makes me want to die,” Dazai muttered.
“Tell me something we don't know,” Honey said joyfully. “At least that racket’s over. Where’s Heine-sama at??”
“Ranpo just messaged the group chat, he’s back in Knottingham Trent apparently.”
“Is anyone wondering who actually stole Chopper’s leg, or is it just me?” Tamaki finally said aloud. It was clear he’d been sitting on the thought for a while. “Who gave it to Inosuke? Who IS one hell of a butler?”
Atsushi rubbed his chin in consideration, it was true that he had never met anyone by that description.
“A’ight, peace out,” Hawkeye said, “I’m going to get high, I hear Fukazawa has some of the good stuff. If anyone wants in we’re in his office, you know he always has an open-doors policy.”
Everyone, including the seven-year-old Great Luffini, nodded.
“You guys did go to Ayato’s, right?” Yosana asked, picking her nails. Her hair hung attractively around her chin, cheeks with a rosey pink glow.
“Um - no?” Naruto said in a ‘duh’ tone. “He’s a good guy, a medical professional. He doesn't have a single evil, terroristic bone in his body.”
Yosano sighed. She was displeased by her findings, mostly because she enjoyed the psychologist’s presence. He was a sight for sore eyes and a warm muscular body on those long, long nights they both pretended they were too drunk to remember.
“You’ll want to see this, then.” She pulled open a drawer and in her hand was a thicc notebook, sheets hanging out, clearly worn. “It’s Ayato’s diary, he notes down everyone he sees both in his professional and private lyfe and everything he does. And let's just say this morning is a very interesting entry.”
Kunikida took the book from Yosano’s grip, flipping through it. He held the spine securely in one hand; it was weak from overuse. “Yesterday, Ayato says: Saw Yosano 9pm-1am, slept for 40 mins and then snuck out of her bed. DON’T forget to retrieve handcuffs from her room.”
Naruto clapped Yosano on the back, “A catch!” The nine-tails agreed. Ayato was a sexi, sexi boi.
“And today’s entry: 6am wake up, 6:30 steal Chopper’s leg, 7am go down for breakfast -”
“Hold up!” Everyone stilled. “A-a-a-achOOO!” NAruto sneezed. “Anyway, continue.”
“Are you guys hearing this? He legit wrote that, weird.”
“We have to tread a little lightly,” Kyoya said. “We were very quick to accuse Fukazawa and he was an innocent man. We can’t throw accusations around like this, we might end an innocent man’s career.”
“There is one way to check the legitimacy of his diary…” Dazai muttered, fingers on his chin. “Lady Yosano, might i ask where you were last night, between nine pm and one am?”
Yosano’s blush darkened, “You know that.”
“We need you to tell us clearly to avoid confusion, Yosano. I’m sorry if this feels invasive.” Kyoya said empathetically.
“Oh no, I was just busy remembering what happened. It was great fun, Ayato is good at what he does if anyone needs a good night out. Not you Atsushi, I’d hate to share another bed partner with you, it’s getting ridiculous, GET OVER my sloppy seconds, jeez. Anyway Ayato and moi just got drunk and had sex, we are strikingly compatible.”
“Great,” Kunikida rubbed his palms together, “Who else knows about you two?”
“Nobody, I was worried Atsushi would catch on so I was keeping it all on the DL. Ayato promised me he would also keep it a secret, both for my sake and also to prevent staff room gossip. But I guess now everything is OUT.”
Kid Luffy started on a bag of salted pretzels, chowing through them like an absolute UNIT. He didn’t understand what was going on, but he still wanted to be included.
The students soon deduced: none of them knew Ayato very well, and all they knew about him was his past as a terrorist. He also happened to be part of the most recent round of hires, which made him more suspect. Sasuke thought back to his own therapy session with the man- surely holding your head in place as you scream constantly for hours isn’t a normal thing to do? Almost seems sadistic. And as Sasuke revealed with caution, the man knew a lot of sensitive information about anyone who saw him to help his patients deal with their trauma. That would include other teachers such as Victor and Shanks, and who was to say he wasn’t using that information maliciously? In addition, he was aware Chopper had been seeing the therapist regularly too - he’d glimpsed a man with a baby harness as he’d been led into the psychologist’s office, Chopper peering out from inside the harness, just his antlers, forehead and eyes visible.
'Who has actually spoken to Ayato outside of therapy sessions?' which sparked another line of inquiry - the man never went out of his way to bond with the students unlike some of the teachers - Botany Hawkeye had literally just invited them to get high together! And hadn’t Ayato seen how important student-teacher relationships were in Oxbridge, hadn’t he seen how Shanks, other Hawkeye, Kakashi, and the other veteran teachers interacted with the students? Surely it was far more normal to try to be close to your students in the way Victor was with Soma than to be as distant as Ayato was. In her heart, Yosano knew even if Atsushi tried to add her mans to his ever-increasing list, most likely Ayato would coldly reject him, citing something about ‘safeguarding policies’??
One quick google search on Nekozawa’s new phone revealed that Ayato’s father and sister had been murdered, and as the sole survivor, he remained prime suspect for the case for well over a year (the case had remained unsolved and there were multiple convincing conspiracy theories that incriminated Ayato).
Kyoya shook his head. The facts added up to quite a frightening conclusion. “We have to take this forward.”
“Don’t confront Ayato,” Yosano said, expression blank. “Make a formal complaint, make sure you do it all properly this time.”
“Yes, we’ll ask Fukazawa for help! We must avenge this poor one-slash-two legged deer!” Tamaki shouted. He felt wholly betrayed by all of the things the students had uncovered about Ayato and even though he had only seen the boi in the corridors (Ayato had nodded at Tamaki in greeting many-a-time) the pain was crippling.
Chopper, the cripple, brayed woefully in his sleep. He was clearly still in unfathomable amounts of pain.
Yosano pushed her bangs behind one of her ears, averting her gaze.
“Well,” Dazai said, “I suppose this is when Fukazawa’s open-door policy comes in handy...let’s hope Ayato isn't there with them.”
“He’s always in his office during this time as far as I’m aware. 9am to 5pm each day. I always thought it was strange,” said Kunikida. Most of the other teachers spent that time getting drunk or high.
“Shit. It’s 4.20! We have to hurry if we’re gonna have enough time to explain everything!”