Deer To Be Different
A head tipped towards them, large doe-eyes blinking widely. Soma’s mouth dropped in shock.
“It’s the famous Beastar! Louis!” Kunikikda cried.
“Chopper has a poster of him in his bedroom,” said Nekozawa, voice quaking in disgust. He knew for a fact the reindeer had also been saving up to purchase a body pillow of the Beastar (bea)star as well, which was just another nauseating detail about Chopper no one needed to know.
“What?” Insouke yawned. “He’s famous? I just use him to keep limbs and organs fresh by sewing on the spare parts to keep things fresh for me until I have use of them. His blood type is that of the universal donor. As soon as a new order comes in, I just chop it off and serve it up. Having fresh meat is what gives my food it's great taste. I pride myself in having delicious food!”
“Really? Your friend has a poster of me?” Louis yawned and blinked again. “Gee that’s, like, so cringe. I have some arsenic if you want to borrow some, I haven't used it since I slipped some to Justin beaver, he was my biggest competition in the Beastar industry. RIP Justin, Se-lemur still talks about you.”
There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at the multi-million dollar star laying in the boot of Inosuke’s dusty truck.
“The leg he has on now is the one J received today.” Inosuke held the leg, attached to Louis, up for them all to see. “Is this what you were all looking for?”
“Yes! That's it!” Soma cried. He recognised the brown fur that covered the leg.
“Good, because that's what you're getting,’ Inosuke grunted.
The others shrugged.
Inosuke brought forth his sword that was sitting on his hip. It had ridges on the blade, resembling a saw. It made it very effective for cutting off limbs. If he could cut through a demon's neck with it, then cutting off a deer leg was no problem. What kind of demon slayer would he be if he couldn't cut off a deer leg?
“Give me a moment,” Insouke said. He hopped into his van and slammed the doors shut behind him. Within moments the students heard Louis’ screams and cries.
“Another deer bites the dust,” Sanji said ruefully with a shake of his head. “It’s like all they’re born to do is exist in pain, the perfect prey. If only there were a way to cull the entire species, it would be the only way to liberate them from all the pain they are forced to bear.”
Everyone nodded, some a little tearful at the reality Sanji had quite eloquently vocalised.
“Is it even worth it to live,” Sanji continued as Louis’ cries were ongoing, “If it is just to serve others, with the knowledge that after a lifetime of suffering and struggling it will all be for nothing, and you too will perish?”
Dazai nodded feverhently at Sanji’s words, he had never heard someone speak with so much candour about suicide. If only Hannah had waited for him so they could have committed susicde together. Sure she wasn't beautiful, but that ass. What an ass! Some might say the BEST ass.
Inosuke stumbled out of the back of the van. “Here ya go, lad,” he threw the bloodied leg in Atsushi’s direction.
Atsushi flinched away from it and the stump fell into the dirt, in a pile of deer dung which Chopper was guilty of having left. Someone would have to remind Yasopp to pick it up.
“And don't forget about my offer, ya know with the tiger legs and all.” Inosuke winked at him from under his mask. “Ta-ta!” Inosuke wiped his brow on his forearm, yeeted into his van and drove away.
“Will the deer be okay?” Kunikida asked, referring to Louis. “It seems less than Ideal to have him forego medical treatment.”
“Shut up. Someone pick up the leg,” Dazai snapped.
“Naruto should do it,” Nekozawa said quickly.
“Waaaaat??? Why should i do it?” Naruto whined.
No one wanted to touch Chopper’s faeces-dipped deer leg, it was the single thing worse than Chopper’s ordinary leg.
Ace’s stomach grumbled.
“Well, I don't care,” Sanji turned to leave, “You guys deal with this. I’m out.”
The rest of the students picked up on this idea and all left Naruto on his own at the parking lot.
“Guys!” Naruto cried. “Guiiiiss!”
-
Two hours later, Soma returned to the parking lot. He had the sneaky suspicion - and oh! He was right. Chopper’s leg had been left, unattended, on a patch of dirt. A fly hopped to and fro over the limb. There was a puddle of blood by the wound, though clearly no longer fresh.
He picked up his phone and sent a picture of the limb to Victor. He hoped the man still had some of his binman knowledge, he wasn't sure who else to call and didn't think it right to dirty his princely hands by touching a common mule even if it was an amputated limb.
“Hi!” Victor arrived immediately, almost like he’d spawned in. “Its-a-me, your boyfriend! Give me a kiss!”
Soma cringed. But he still kissed him. What kind of boyfriend would he be if he didn't kiss his husbando.
“Please, pick up this leg.” Soma asked.
“Sure.” Victor slipped off his golden wedding band on his finger, already on his knees, “Hold this for me for a sec okay babe?”
Soma gasped. Victor was on his knees, handing him a ring? Was this a proposal? Soma didn't know what to say. So he said nothing, and silently took the ring and slipped it onto his finger, a tear sliding down his cheek.
Victor did not face him, too busy with admiring the leg. He hadn't had to binman in so long, he was guiltily glad to get back to his roots, though he knew Ayato would be less than impressed.
He wrapped the leg in Kunikida’s discarded binbag. He turned to Soma, intending to ask for his golden wedding band back, but Soma stood there admiring it with a small smile on his face and how could Victor take that away from him???
“I’m glad you like it,” Victor said, proud to have made his boyo happy. What kind of boyfriend would he be if he couldn’t make his beau happy?
Soma blushed. “Can we get married back in my home country? I want you to meet my father!”
“Yes,” Victor said absent mindlessly, too focused on the rush of adrenaline he got from binmanning. He would agree to anything right now, say anything whatsoever to Soma. he needed to get laid. He had never felt so turned on in his lyfe.
“Time to return this to Chopper,” Soma said instead to replying to his soon-to-be husbando.
“Sure,” Victor said in a dazed tone.
-
Some time later, Soma sent a picture into the group chat, captioned: I said yes!
Sasuke: isn’t that Sauron’s One Ring? Went missing ages ago
Soma: Victor said he found it in the trash! X