Jaeger BAWMB
“I HAVE A BOMB!” Rinder screamed. “F--- YOU ALL!!!!! F---ING F---ERS!! THIS IS IT, THE LAST STRAW hat!!!”
“Stop appropriating terrorist culture!!” Hikaru screamed. “You’re being disrespectful to the pirates you commoner!”
Sanji cracked his knuckles for some reason (he fought with legs not fists?), he wanted to take that bitch DOWN.
Rinder held the flaps of his robe open, showcasing his bomb. Underneath the bomb Rinder wore a sexy leather strap corset, with matching fishnet stockings and black lacy panties. It was very sexy. Hikaru quickly took a snap so he could show his parents later, it may inspire them to design the next hit outfit for the Oxbridge runway competitions.
“DOUBLE SUICIDE, DOUBLE SUICIDE!” Dazai had never been so excited in his lyfe, perhaps he would finally be able to be dead, it was all he ever wanted. Ever since he was born. He remembered standing before his fourth birthday cake, with his family surrounding him and singing. He had a cute little winnie the pooh cake. As he stared down at the flickering candles, he wished to be dead, and had the same wish every birthday following. “May you have many more,” they said to him cruelly. It was like a dagger to the heart.
“It would be more than double, if he takes out the whole room!” the solicitor cried, clearly upset about the whole situation. Dazai glared at her. How dare she ruin this important moment in his life.
“I’ll protect you,” Sanji’s heart eyes re-activated, his legs back in wavy chip form, his arms outstretched. The solicitor winced and ran away to stand behind the Dementors instead. As unpleasant as they were, they were still better than that perverted curly-browed man. At least if a Dementor kissed you, their nose wouldn’t be bleeding.
“Hi guys,” Ace strolled in, deep red board shorts and an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt. He of course wore flip flops, had stolen some from a chap named Tommy Hilfiger. He was chewing on a mystery meat he’d taken from Rob Kardashian and the flavour was very reminiscent of Chopper’s legs he’d once accidentally eaten. Though it was perhaps a 999 situation that he ate those legs, they were very succulent and delicious, if Ace ever needed money he would for sure sell choppy-chan for parts. Rinder looked at the sexi, sexi boyo, and could not believe his eyes. “Dayum son.” he said out loud.
Ace walked past them all, waving at the TV crew cameras that were recording this whole hearing, causing some of the cameras to explode from his sexiness. He made his way to visit Jimbei who he’d heard was also having a parole hearing. Unfortunately Jimbei was at a different prison - Impel Down, not Azkaban, so Ace would not be able to find him.
Atsushi stared at the bomb in fear. He couldn't let anyone get hurt. But he felt his legs had rooted to the spot. He couldn't move. And what could he do anyway? How could he, a simple boi, save anyone? Was he worthy of it? Was he worthy even to live?
“Dazai-san, how do we stop this bomb?” Atsushi gasped.
“There's a simple solution to all of this,” Dazai replied. For some reason his expression had dropped, perhaps being faced with death stopped his suicidal thinking and perhaps he was finally realising the gravity of the situation. But alas his voice was steady and strong. Instantly Atsushi felt more relaxed listening to that sultry voice. It was a commanding voice. He promised himself his slut days were a thing of the past but damn did he sometimes struggle to stay on the straight ;) and narrow. “We don't.”
Atsushi growled at Dazai’s lack of action. But if Dazai wasn't going to save these innocent people, his only aim was to die and he didn’t care how many others died with him, clearly it was left to Atsushi. He couldn't expect anything of Mori or the twins, they were weak, untrained citizens. Sanji was still too busy lusting (and bleeding) after the one female in the room to think of doing anything. He was also far too sexy, a factor that had to be considered. And this was Atushsi’s Justice Building, his place of practice, his. He had to be the one to take action.
“I'm a member of the Armed Detective Agency!” Atsushi screeched. “And I order you to put down your weapon!”
“This weapon?” Rinder asked. In his hand he was holding a long smooth shaft. “It is a weapon of mass destruction after all. Many of my victims faint at the mere sight of it. I must admit it is a larger than usual size, it’s certainly something to get excited about.”
“No! The bomb!”
“Ah, well I can't put it down when it's strapped to me, especially when it's so… tight. Maybe you should come closer and you can help me?” Rinder winked.
“Should we leave you two alone?’ Kaoru asked.
“Yes! Evacuate the building! No one should be caught up in the blast!”
“Is that an innuendo?”
“Wait, so…” Light Turner stood up, “If we’re all gonna die, I wanna know, am I dying a free man or an enslaved one.”
“Shut it, prison bitch,” Rinder snapped.
Simultaneously, Dazai: “Enslaved.”
Light’s expression was one of caution. He took a step back from his table before the judge. And another. And another. Thankfully Rinder was too busy splitting his focus between the bloody and floating Sanji and Atsushi and his titillating power and courage. Alas in his years in prison sometimes Light found himself wishing he would be able to be honourable, noble - but all that had been left behind, in an old life, old opportunities he could no longer pursue.
“Well, IF everyone here’s gonna die anyway,” Hikaru emphasised the ‘if’ in such a way that i simply had to reemphasise it, “Perhaps we could leave, Light will face justice in the form of death, AND we can get away from these, uh...very SANE individuals.”
“A remarkably good proposition, I am profoundly moved by your words and must insist we leave immediately.” Dazai turned for the door.
“This is a bomb!” Rinder shouted.
“Waaaaaaaa!!! A boMb! SaNji, I thInK thAt MaN haS a boMbbbbbb!” Dazai mocked.
“Oh! No!” Sanji replied, “A bOmb??? Oh!!! No!!!”
Atsushi was heartbroken to see his mentor so afraid. He had never seen Dazai cry like this. The situation was clearly quite dire, he had no choice but to take action and save all of his peoples. Even the dastardly villain Light Turner, the man who stole Choppy-chan’s (already limited) mobility, didn’t deserve the fiery inferno of the bomb. Instead he needed love to be reformed, the kind of love and affection and kisses that only dementors could give their prisoners. Azkaban was the only suitable place for the boi and Atsushi vowed he would be placed back within its walls - the man would thank him one day.
Atsushi’s entire body trembled. This was all his fault. He had led his fellow students into the Justice Building, he was the one who Rinder wanted to impress. He felt physically sick with guilt. What could he do, what would he do?? Was this a panicc attacc? Atsushi felt like he was drowning, vision stuttering in a hazy nightmare. Atsushi had never felt quite so powerless, even when Shu had decided to demolish his very being. It was the threat to his friends and the only family he had that made Atsushi feel so obliterated, pained. Even his first time hadn’t felt so invasive.
“Judge Rinder-san,’’ Atsushi began wearily, trying to get his mind to focus, “Please drop your weapon.’’
“We would much rather see your outfit,’’ Hikaru suggested. His photo was obstructed by the bomb strapped to his torso and alas Rinder’s lingerie was on the sexi side of sexi.
“Owo what’s that,’’ Dazai muttered, “A bulge??"
“Hardly,’’ Sanji said dryly. “I’m betting two inches.’’
“You’re being very generous,’’ Kaoru said. It just slipped out. He didn't mean it. But as soon as he had seen Rinder peel off his judge outfit and he saw the delectable lingerie - he recognised him. When he was exploring S&M relationships, the S&M bar he went to...the most desired mans had been Rinder himself, when Kaoru had fought off all the other suitors and finally gotten him in a room he was deeply disappointed by the lack of penis and ran away, leaving the S&M life for eternity.
The judge had the habit of stuffing toilet paper down his things to give himself a bulge, and clearly only owned one pair of lingerie. Like spider man, always under his clothes lest he ever need to reveal himself.
Kaoru turned to Sanji, “How did you know his bulge was so small????’’
Sanji cleared his throat and turned away. What could he say, he’d been going through a dry season. He was desperate. But that was before he met Chuuya (their no-homo policy made him STRICTLY straight, Sanji would never doubt his sexuality).
Thankfully at that moment Rinder started shouting again, he had heard everything about his bulge and was not appreciating the slander. Unfortunately for him all of it had been captured by the TV crews, and just at that moment the janitor walked into the room with a scowl.
“Where’s all the toilet paper?” The man screamed. “I’ve just about had it with you hot-shot lawyers, I had a million reels in the back closet and someone’s taken them all!!! Even my personal collection I use to fuck my main hoe with, jeez everyone here is a selfish bastard!!”
Just then Rinder reached into his pants and pulled out a huge chunk of used toilet paper, throwing it to the janitor who instantly died upon impact. Later the hospital report would state that the man died from battery and Rinder would gloat about how his large bulge killed a man just by touching him.
Atsushi couldn’t take it any more, he knew this was the perfect time to take advantage of the chaos and Rinder’s distraction. He couldn’t stand to see any more innocent people killed before his two-toned gaze. The ADA had taught him many things, particularly how to ADA.
“Don’t ever touch my friends you silly sausage!” Atsushi screamed. He used his feline abilities to yeet himself onto Rinder’s un-bulged body like a spider monkey, wrapping his legs around the man’s waist and his arms over his shoulders. He would protect his fellow students till his dying breath, if he was lucky when Rinder decided to unleash the bomb his body would bear all of the impact and his friends would be safe.
Rinder, the muscular man he was, had very strong legs so the impact of Atsushi landing on his gay torso didn’t even make him stumble. He held his hands out and continued to talk as if Atsushi wasn’t even there, pacing up and down the judge podium. Atsushi dangled off him awkwardly, his tail thrashing from side to side to help keep his balance, teeth bared in concentration.
“Yeah,” Dazai cringed. He tried not to look in their direction, in physical pain. Sure, Dazai was suicidal, but jeez he had never felt the desire to die more than he did in that moment. This was perhaps more painful than death, it was certainly more painful than any death attempt he’d made on himself. It definitely cemented his decision to die, the sooner the better.
Sanji started reconsidering the double suicides Dazai so often talked about. He was mortified, looking at his feet now, unable to stand the cringe before him. He didn’t often feel such strong second-hand embarrassment, being used to the stupidity of Zoro and Luffy, but this was on a different unbearable level. He shared an agonised look with Dazai, and in that moment, they were both connected by their desire to end it all.
Kaoru was recording the scene, very cleverly diverting his own eyes, ready to share it onto the group chat.
Hikaru had tears in his eyes. He fell to his knees. He wished above all else that the bomb was real. If it were real he’d never have to think about this moment ever again. His chest hurt, tears dotted the floor. Head in hands, he started sobbing and found himself unable to stop. He was beautiful even when crying, flowers hazing in and out in the background, a shimmery sheen, his tears diamond-esque and sublime.
A painful scene for sure. A dead janitor (a way janitors always seemed to end up), a bomb, a cat-man, and four people praying for death. Thankfully the cameras were capturing Hikaru, Kyoya would be very proud of him for the exposure he was giving the Host Club. They struggled a little at Oxbridge considering how few females attended the university and were always looking for ways to increase their revenue by getting external club attendees.
Dazai looked directly into the camera. “Please just end our suffering,” he begged. “All you have to do is call the number on the screen. Please. Calling the number on the screen will end all of my years of suffering and pain. Press one for me to be killed by strangulation. Two for me to die by having rocks tied to my feet and for me to be yeeted into a pond. Three for me to be eaten by a dragon. And four for me to get a deadly strand of food poisoning so i can spend my last days getting the shit out of me, because I don’t need that shit inside me anymore.”
At that moment, alarms began to flash and lots of confetti were released from the ceiling. Kalluto was standing within the ceiling, dropping confetti down. He'd been struggling to get employment opportunities as of late.
A beautiful man stepped out from stands. “YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRANKED! LOL! Atsushi, how does it feel to know you've just been pranked on my new hit show, Prank Stage!!”
“Who are you? What are you talking about? Get out of here! EVERYONE! The bomb’s going to explode any second now!” Atsushi screeched, still clinging onto Rider like how he clung onto Hisoka.
“My name is Shougo Sena! The presenter of Prank Stage!! You may recognise me from the hit band Sadistic Bitches. I've also been in a few major hit films, but I don't like to brag! This was all a prank set up by your friends- yes those friends over there- to give you a laugh. There is no bomb! It's all a fake!”
Rinder started to laugh. “I thought he'd see through the prank as soon as I revealed this lingerie, Atsushi knows I don't ever wear black lace, only blue to match my eyes, but somehow we pulled through!”
A mariachi band came through the main doors, doing their thing while Atsushi clung to Rinder.
Dazai still had his head in his hands, cringing. Shougo went up to him, microphone in hand. “I just didn't think he'd be, like, sooo cringy!” Dazai cried.
“It was a disgusting display!” Sanji added, still too pained to look in the judge’s direction.
“Wait I don't understand! What kind of people would fake a bomb?!? And what about that janitor, is he not really dead either?” Atsushi shrieked, tears in his eyes.
“Oh he's definitely dead! You really got him good Rinder!” Shougo replied happily.
Light looked around at the people gathered. “Uh... so my parole meeting…?”
“All fake! We’d never let a dangerous killer like you back out onto the streets of course! This was all the setup to lure Atsushi in!” Shougo was having a lil’ wander round to show the camera everything. “Young boy,” Shougo knelt beside Hikaru, “Why are you crying?”
The flowers behind Hikaru were still shifting and morphing, just like his sorrow. He had never felt such crippling pain. ‘I don’t want to live anymore,’ he sobbed into his palms.
Kaoru gently put his hand on his brother’s shoulder to comfort him. He had already sent Ayato an urgent text pleading with him to schedule Hikaru in for some therapy that very day. This experience had been undeniably scarring for his ginger-haired twin. He only hoped this didn’t further manifest into a chronic case of PTSD.
‘Wellll!’ Shougo stood up with a grin. ‘Who does! Particularly after seeing this display, most certainly in the top ten of the cringe-o-meter! We all hedged our bets before the show; who was the closest to predicting this could happen?’
A graphic image of chibi art sketches of each Sanji, Dazai, Mori, Hikaru and Kaoru’s heads appeared on the screen with a bar beside them.
“Ooooh,” Shougo narrated, “Dazai thought Atsushi would fall for the bomb plot, so he gets five points!
“Anddddd - Mori was the only one to predict the untimely death of an innocent bystander, so that’s three points!”
Mori reappeared at the mention of his name. When the prank had started he hid behind a dementor so that he wouldn't give the joke away by cracking a smile. It would have been so out of character for him, but he found the joke just too funny. The fake bomb had actually been all his idea, and he considered it the peak of comedy.
“Oh, an interesting turn of events. Sanji predicted Atsushi would be too busy sucking his own dick to see that the bomb was fake - definitely a whole eiiigghhtttt points!”
Atsushi was yet to let go of Rinder. “Whyyyyy?” He wailed. “Why would you do this to me, I thought we were family?!?!?”
“Happy birthday, Atsushi,’” Sanji said as warmly as he could muster, which was unfortunately not warm at all.
‘‘IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY! IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY THREE MONTHS AGO!’’ Atsushi held up four fingers.
‘‘You now what else was three months ago?’’ Hikaru cried. ‘‘A time when I didn’t want to be DEAD, thanks for taking that away from me! And after all this pain, you don’t even have the courtesy to apologise for all of this!!’’
Kaoru looked down at his phone, having just received an influx of messages from the group chat. He winced looking at the harsh, cringed-out replies from students, teachers, and janitor.
“You’ll be glad you’re not in the group chat now,” Kaoru muttered to Atsushi. Fukuzawa had sent him an urgent private message, imploring him to not reveal Atsushi was an Oxbridge student on live television. They didn’t need the public assuming all Oxbridge students were dumbasses. Akutagawa, who had only just woken from his coma caused by the injuries sustained during the prison break, committed suicide upon seeing the group chat. Unfortunately for him Yosano brought him back using her ability and Fukazawa had faith that Ayato would be able to restore Akutagawa back to his former sanity. They didn’t need any more deaths on their hands, Akutagawa’s suicide was traumatising enough.
“Oooooh - a feud??’’ Shougo slid into the frame, stars and sparkles flying around him. “Amusing, after all Kaoru saw this happening exactly! Wow, it’s almost as if all of these students are learning astronomy and have the ability to predict the futuuureee!”
Light Turner was still frozen in place. HE had been obliterated by the information that his whole parole hearing was a farce and was struggling to recover from such a blow. He preferred different types of blow(ing), which he briefly considered were probably something he’d struggle to come by outside of prison. Nevertheless, his knees were weak. Palms sweety.
“I would like to go back to prison now,” Light Turner said solemnly.
“B-T-dubs,” Shougo asked Light, “I just got a call from my old principal Fukazawa of the prestigious university Oxbridge University and he’s asking for a leg?” Shougo winked to the camera, “You can have any of my appendages, Fukazawa-chan...you know where to find me.”
Fukazawa most certainly did…
“Also like, I fully am blaming the janitor thing on Light Turner,” Rinder said, trying to prise Atsushi from his body. “That disgusting murderer.”
“You should go behind bars just for that lingerie!” Kaoru screamed.
“OOOOOH BURN!” Shougo cheered. “If only my kawaii little brother was here to see this! It would be great inspiration for his manga, don't any major television companies go scooping up this marvellous plot!” He winked at the camera, the camera man had a heart attacc.
“What a nice man. He cares so much for his brother,” Hikaru commented through his tears. He wished he was as close to his brother, Fred. If only he hadn't died under such suspicious circumstances...
“That’s the end of this episode of Prank Stage!! Join us next time for more awesome pranks, thank you for watching! And don’t forget to vote how you’d like to see Osamu Dazai die, I’m personally voting for number four…” in the background of the shot one could see Rinder still struggling with Atsushi’s tiger-grip, Hikaru crying on his knees, and Dazai making a noose from one of his strips of bandage.
“And that’s a wrap!” The director shouted. "Good job, guys. Shougo, you were amazing as always. This will definitely get us on the trending pages, this was the single most embarrassing display in the entirety of television history. It’ll be so easy for me to get a job on my favourite TV show Thirteen Reasons Why when I show the producers this in my portfolio! Everyone knows that show is an embarrassing mess, and just like this one contains multiple suicidal people.”
“Couldn’t have done it without all of you,” Shougo glimmered with happiness, grinning at the camera crew and then turning towards the students. “Thank you for this opportunity, I wholly enjoyed working with you. Seeing your youth makes me so happy for the future of Oxbridge. Ah, I remember my Oxbridge days, back when Victor taught me the show business. What I would do to dance with that talented mans again.”
“Come back with us,” Hikaru was still sobbing. He pulled on Shougo’s legs. “Please. Kill me and take my place.”
Kaoru glared at Atsushi, furious at him for reducing his beloved brother to the emotional mess he’d become. He’d pressure lost enough brothers, he didn’t need to lose more.
Dazai summoned all the courage he had, still carefully looking away, to walk over to Atsushi and physically pull him away from the judge. With his touch, Atsushi’s claws and tail retracted, allowing Rinder to be freed from the vice-like grip.
One of the dementors was very tired of seeing all of this and simply wanted to go back to their prestigious prison Azkaban Prison and gave Atsushi a cheeky peck on his plush lips. The boi collapsed into a liquid-feline puddle at Rinder’s feet; Rinder kicked him off the judge podium.
“Thank you dementor-san”, Kaoru said, “I appreciate your service, also thank you for not killing him. Fukazawa would be upset if that were to happen.”
“You’re welcome,” a voice echoed throughout the room. The dementor had no lips to move, no indication that he was saying those words, but it was somehow clear to everyone. “I have enjoyed guarding your prestigious university Oxbridge University, I remember back when I was a student and Victor taught me how best to wear a bin bag and impersonate the bin.”
“He did a good job, you look great,” Sanji said. He had never felt more relieved in his entire lyfe. “If you ever need a favour...call on us. Oxbridge owes you one.”
“Thank you, Sanji-san. I did it out of the love in my heart, but thank you for recognising my efforts and if I ever do require aid I would feel secure knowing I have you to help.”
Sanji nodded. He yeeted the passed out Atsushi over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry, and doubled back for Hikaru who was incapacitated for his tears - Sanji carried him also. The five left the court room, the Justice Building, but not before giving Shougo a hug and an invitation to visit anytime. They also remembered Light Turner had been the one to kill that insufferable Gon, and fist-bumped him, one-by-one, as they left the premises.