Come Out And Clay
The five of them were the last to leave Choppy-chan’s hospital room. Kunikida had been busy getting himself ready post-death-via-scorch-bois, Zoro had gotten lost in the hospital wing, and Naruto, Tamaki and Tanizaki had been too emotionally scarred by seeing Chopper’s fragile state to join any of the other groups.
Unfortunately, Kunikida had only managed to find a hospital gown to cover his nakedness. But he found it very freeing, feeling the air up his skirt, his ass cheeks freed, at last. THIS was his Ideal.
No-one liked seeing Kunikida’s hairy ass apart from Sakura, and Fukazawa had temporarily disposed of her anyway. The shit smear was something Kunikida could have kept a little more personal. Clearly Knottingham had rubbed off on him more than he could admit; he’d forgotten how to properly use the bathroom.
Tamaki cringed, Kunikida’s behaviour was the lowest form of commoner, not behaviour of an upstanding gentleman.
Kunikida sighed when he saw who he had been left with. He had hoped to be able to conduct a professional investigation with someone he admired, such as that Kyoya, but alas, these idiots will have to do.
“Lets go! The quicker we get away from Chopper the better! I can't think clearly hearing his cries of pain,” Kunkida snapped, leading the way from the destroyed medical wing.
Fukazawa, still at his bedside, patted Chopper’s shoulder. “Prepare yourself for a therapy session with Ayato, I just need to speak to priest Kaname for a moment and I'll be back to escort you.”
-
Kunikida led the group, as hairy cheeks juggled with every step he took. His stride was confident and commandeering, he knew he would be the one to find the thief and save Chopper’s mobility. The wind to all of his appendages gave him an unrealistic feeling of strength and power.
Zoro trailed along behind the entire group, his wrist handcuffed to Tamaki’s so he could not get lost, apathetic and uncaring; Tamaki was trying his hardest not to look at Kunikida’s shitty ass, Tanizaki wanted nothing more than to summon Naomi but couldn’t subject her to Kunikida’s shitty ass; and Naruto wished for nothing more than to be in his erotica studies class, Chopper was a selfish animal. He would never call Chopper Choppy-chan, the mutt didn’t deserve such an affectionate nickname.
‘Is that a mullet in his ass hair…?” Tanizaki couldn’t hold himself back, the morbid curiosity was burning in his veins and he felt a little sick, he needed to share the terror.
Naruto gulped down a mouthful of vomit in affirmation. He was thankful Kurama was asleep, the babie boi was too innocent for such a lewd display.
Out of the corner of his eye, Kunikida spotted him. A young man was squatting in the bushes nearby. It seemed he was trying to hide and be sneaky, but it was clear to anyone looking that he was there. He obviously wasn’t an Oxbridge student; all of the ugly ones had been killed long ago.
“That man there! He looks suspicious! Everyone grab him!” Kunikida yelled, pointing dramatically.
“Where?” Tamaki asked, searching.
Zoro yawned, thinking longingly of nap-time.
“That man there, in the bush!” Kunikida shouted, pointing some more.
“I can't see him. Are you sure there's someone there?” Naruto asked, puzzled. He couldn’t look away from Kunikida’s ass-mullet, it was quite the sight.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!! He's right there! He's looking right at us! And now he’s running away!” Kunikida was practically frothing at the mouth.
“Oh - he’s dropped something?” Tanizaki picked up a raisin, “This must be a clue.” Tanizaki hadn’t noticed the thirteen tapes beside the raisin, they would have perhaps been a bigger clue.
“Ohh him!” Tamaki exclaimed. “Well I saw HIM! He was standing right there in that bush.”
“Well then, go get him!” Kunikida barked, authoritatively. His finger was pointed towards the bush, muscles tensed as he waited for the bois to do his bidding.
He stood waiting expectantly.
He waited a while. No one moved from their positions. Naruto was slurping up some ramen, he just bought it from Inosuke who was pushing around a food cart. Tamaki pulled out some chopsticks and hesitantly tried the commoner food, he enjoyed exploring different cultures, particularly the culture of his commoner daughter Haruhi-chan. Zoro had bought himself a large bottle of booze. Tanizaki decided to treat himself to some mystery meat from inosuke, he was a comfort eater and he found choppers leg to be quite the upsetting situation.
Kunikida’s arm was quivering, it had been outstretched for so long. Naruto flagged down Inosuke and bought some more ramen, Tamaki covered it out of the love of his heart. He even bought Zoro some onigiri, the man had a penchant for it after he’d been tied up in prison back when kid Luffy found him. Seeing his fellow students eat made Tamaki oddly elated, he hadn’t interacted with these bois before and found himself wondering why. They made the executive decision not to buy Kunikida any food, after all they didn’t need the shit stain getting any bigger.
A sweat broke out on Kunikida’s brow. A vein bulged in his forehead (a bulge??? Owo).
“THIS IS NOT IN MY IDEAL!” Kunikida finally lowered his arm and used it to slap the ramen from Naruto’s grip. The bowl fell disappointingly to the floor, splashing brothel over his shoes. “WE ARE ON THE HEROIC PILGRIMAGE TO SAVE A MAN’S LEG AND YOU’RE EATING MAGGI NOODLES?? NOT EVEN GOOD RAMEN, F—-ING MAGGI NOODLES!”
Upon seeing the blank stares he was faced with, Kunikda sighed a great sigh. “I suppose if it's a job worth doing, you should just do it yourself,” he muttered.
At that he ran off in pursuit of the young man, his ass cheeks bouncing gleefully with every stride. They rubbed together so much that it created a sound, a high pitched melody, as if he had his own theme music to accompany this thrilling chase. The melody was of course the result of the shit between his ass cheeks squelching together. If only Chuuya was in his group he could have accompanied the music with some of his wonderful singing.
Thankfully Inosuke had not gotten too far away with his food cart and Naruto managed to flag him down again for another bowl of MAGGI noodles. Tamaki even decided to treat himself to one, what could he say the commoner food was very much growing on him.
Kunikida caught up with the stranger quicker than he had expected, it seemed the boy had noticed he wasn't being pursued earlier and had retreated into another small bush, his head clearly gazing out over the top.
Kunikida tackled him roughly, throwing himself at the man’s lean torso.
The wind was punched out of the stranger; he fell onto his back and had no choice but to open his mouth to gasp, unfortunately Kunikida forgot he wasn’t wearing any trousers so when he tackled the man he accidentally sat on his face, and the man’s mouth was open because he’d lost his breath, and his tongue automatically reached out for a stuttering inhalation.
The rest of the group finally caught up with him while Kunikida kept the stranger pinned down.
When Kunikida finally stood, Tanizaki felt very relieved that the man had accidentally eaten shit, because the shit stain had disappeared. So had the mullet. Needless to say, the man would be coughing up many-a-hair ball - he’d managed to wipe Kunikida’s ass completely clean of anything interrupting the sight of his cheeks. At least if Kunikida’s ass was gonna be out, they wouldn't be subjected to his excrement or its hair.
Naruto shovelled more ramen into his mouth. Zoro took a swig of his booze.
With the dirt (shit) on his face the groups couldnt recognise who the man was. Tamaki handed the stranger one of his embroidered handkerchiefs to clean his face with.
Finally the identity of the man was revealed. The group all gasped.
“Clay Jensen?” they all chimed.
“Shalom, here’s your handkerchief,” Clay said, handing it back.
“Keep it,” Tamaki gimanced.
“No no, I insist, my father Caitlin Jenner has a lot of these, I couldn’t repay your kindness by keeping your handkerchief. You even have your initial embroidered onto it!”
“I wouldn’t be quite so polite if I were you,” Kunikida growled, legs parted as he hulked over Clay’s figure. “You’re a criminal. Why else would you be trespassing on the grounds of this prestigious university Oxbridge University??? Empty your pockets, thief! Zoro, check his pockets!”
Zoro blinked. He then drank some more.
Kunikida growled low in his throat, took some steps towards Clay, melodic ass cheeks singing as Kunikida approached him. He searched all of Clay’s pockets but all he found was a gun and a scrunched up piece of paper.
“Is...is that…” Tanizaki gasped, snatching the paper from Kunikida’s grip, “R-r-r-REAL PAPER??? I-I’m not seeing things, am I?? This isn’t just a receipt in disguise???”
Naruto patted him on the back and nodded solemnly. “IT’s real paper. I would know, I have to read books sometimes. What kind of English student would I be if I didn’t read the occasional book?”