A Light Investigation
Atsushi’s lungs were burning. It was Light, Light Turner: it had to be. The man had a vendetta against Oxbridge, ever since the thing between him and Shu and Usopp went down. After all, he was in prison for killing Oxbridge students!!!
Mori was right behind him, empty-armed without Honey; Dazai, his mentor, by his side and protecting him as always; Sanji, the curly-browed pirate of a snacc; and of course the ginger twins (no NOT Feorge, clearly Hikaru and Kaoru!)
“I’m wearing snake skin Gucci, they’re gonna get all scraped up,” Hikaru snapped. His mother was of course a fashion designer and had given him and Kauro all of the drip. He didn't appreciate Atsushi’s intensity regarding Choppy-chan’s leg thing, surely it would be more time efficient to go to Azkaban in the Jeep.
“Atsushi, the man’s been in prison this entire time,” Sanji said, tone level. He hadn’t broken any type of a sweat and was calmly jogging beside the group, chain smoking leisurely.
“GUESS WHO ELSE WAS IN PRISON?” Atsushi’s voice was strained from the running, fringe dripping and darkened from sweat, vision blurred and tacky, “OUR PROFESSORS, AND THEY GOT OUT ALL THE TIME!”
Sound logic, though Light Turner was by no means close to as powerful as any one of the professors. But if there was such a loophole they would have to investigate. Dazai nodded, thin-lipped as he tried to control his breathing. He wasn’t used to physical exertion, he only ever got physical in the bedroom, and everyone knows he's a bottom- he received all the power. Atsushi knows his bottom VERY well.
“Atsushi, the prison is that way,” Sanji nodded toward the building they were jogging past, he had encountered the prison many a time and always managed to evade permanent capture; needless to say his time in juvie was well spent, Sanji made many a criminal allies which he liked to link up with whenever he needed some dirty work getting done.
-
The Justice Building looked just as Atsushi remembered. He’d been walking the halls a mere week ago, conducting a tour and meeting his many associate lawyer fans. Magnolia marble spilt over the floor, white walls, heavy wooden doors every few metres apart.
“Judge Atsushi!” Robert Kardashian shouted after his mentor, “I have the proposal you asked for!”
“For Tonpa vs Tonpa? I asked you for the briefs too, jeez Rob where did you go to law school, Hardvard? You know Oxbridge is the only decent institution on the planet! Leave what you have on my desk!” Atsushi shouted over his shoulder, barely managing to get the words out. Rob’s inadequacies really pissed him off sometimes, all he wanted from him was the bare minimum, the type of work a first-year associate could do, but even this ‘professional’ lawyer struggled with it. Needless to say Atsushi didn’t see Rob ever becoming a judge at any point during his legal career.
“Where are we going?” Hikaru’s tone was clearly whiny, his Guccis were all but deceased and threadbare by that point and they held a lot of sentimental value. He had worn them that morning during breakfast where the house elves had served his favourite drink in the world: orange juice. Scurvy???? Who WAS she????
“He’s in a probation hearing,” Atsushi smelt, his cat senses only made his BO stench worse, “It was scheduled a couple weeks ago, should be in room 6969...not this one...not this one…”
“Probation????? Owo.” Mori did not like the sound of that, how could Light Turner be considered for release so quickly even after killing a man?
“He killed Gon, I’m surprised he didn’t get let out sooner.”
The group all nodded while running.
-
Atsushi stopped suddenly. There it was. The door.
Hikaru and Kauro stumbled in their attempt to stop running so quickly, leaving black smears on the floor from their rubber shoe soles. Atsushi brushed his fingers through his hair quickly, trying to make it dry enough so it would stop visibly dripping. He’d sweat so much his entire shirt was see-through; he’d be more at home in the Oxbridge brothels with such a sensuous look. His chest was heaving, but time was running out and he didn’t give himself any longer to compose himself into his alias Judge Atsushi.
Atsushi took a single step closer to the doors and they automatically opened, they only ever opened like that for him, though they were inanimate they knew and feared his presence, after all he was the only judge in all the lands to be personally knighted by Lord Goo for all of his hard work and loyalty to the kingdom.
“I OBJECT!” Mori cried. It was super dramatic. His voice echoed off the polished stone walls, but the echo bounced around and caused the walls to shatter from the force.
The court room fell to silence. On one side sat Light Turner with his attorney, his face dropped in fear upon seeing the Oxbridge students. On the other side sat the people.
The Judge - Atsushi recognised him - Judge Rinder sat at the podium with a gavel in hand, poised as if he were just about to slam it against the table.
“Ah,” Rinder lowered the gavel, “Judge Atsushi, what a pleasure. I was just about to grant this fine and reformed gentleman his right to probation, it is so lovely to see the prison institute working in favour of the people. We were actually going to seal his case, there is no reason that future employers should have to know about this simple mistake young Light Turner made. Are you here to watch me work, that is very flattering Mr Judge Atsushi.”
“Did he not hear Mori?” Dazai muttered to Sanji. “I feel like he didn’t hear Mori. How could he not hear Mori?”
“Maybe he was distracted by all the broken glass, I hope these bois have insurance.” Sanji looked around the room sadly, just another magnificent piece of architecture destroyed during their noble and irritating and unnecessary quest to save Chopper’s mobility.
Light Turner stood from his seat, a fancy suit jacket pulled over his orange prison jumpsuit. He looked super fancy, it made Mori weak in the knees. Or was it from all that running?
Light was shocked to see the Oxbridge students. He hadn't seen them since they fist bumped him to congratulate his killing of Gon. It was the one good moment in the years he had spent in the prison, tortured each day. They showed his sexy pictures of Mia until he screamed and begged to have his eyes scratched out, but they never gave him any release. Day after day it was the same pain. The same agony. He often begged for death, it would have been less painful, but the guards were only dementors, soulless, unfeeling, wafting through the air like a bad smell. The smell of dementors often reminded Light of potato chips. He longed for a potato chip. Just one. The saltiness of it. The crunch between his teeth. Prison food just didn't match up to the luxuries he had at home. What kind of killer would he be if he didn't have his potato chips?
“What do y'all want?” he asked, sniffing, running a hand through his blonde slicked back hair.
“JUSTICE!” the twins cried together. “Justice for a poor simple man. Nay, not a man, but one worthy to be called such a thing, a small deer by the name of Chopper.” The twins had rehearsed this line before they ran in, to make sure they were of perfect harmony.
“... Come again.” Light stared at them, his mouth agape, nose running, a bit of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He looked gormless and so ugly even the blind Dementors had to look away.
“Chopper was - no he’s a survivor- IS one of my deer-est friends.” Atsushi’s passion made tears glisten in his eyes. “And you - you vile scum- you STOLE his leg. You can steal a deer’s antlers, his family, his herd, his pride, his sentience, and his hooves, but you should NEVER take away his legs.”
He gasped for breath after his passionate outburst, glancing through his thick, long lashes at Dazai-san, hoping for a smile or nod of approval.
Dazai was however too busy winking at the female solicitor, who was only looking at the group in confusion.
“Legs? What would I do with a reindeer’s legs? If they were human or fox-spirit, sure I like a leg as much as the next man, but a reindeer? I ain’t into that shit.” Light tried to sound badass, like a gang memer, because he had heard many a tale about the badass Sanji, who he now looked at through his thick, long lashes, hoping for a sign or nod of approval. Sanji however, was putting out a cigarette at that moment, and moving towards the female solicitor, his eyes shaped like hearts, his nose gushing like a fountain, his legs losing their shape to look more like curly chips than regular chips, wavy and boneless. Atsushi had to use both tiger arms to restrain him. The solicitor was a good friend of his, he always had the best bants with her in the law people’s group chat, therefore he could not allow her to be harassed by the curly-browed perv.
“I've heard in many foreign countries deer legs are a delicacy. Even the famous chef, Inosuke, sells them in his bar, maybe you were planning on selling them on for a profit to fund your charity, Potato Chips for Prisons?” Kaoru asked.
“Ridiculous!” Light sneered, or tried to, but his face wasn't one used to expressing severe emotions. Instead it came across as flat, like he was just an actor, a puppet only going through the actions to get the movie over with, but a BAD actor, who clearly had only been hired for his name and not his skill at acting. “I’m just a normal American teenager. And also the god of the new world, of course, but my only aim is killing those who are trash to impress my girlfriend.”
“Order! Order in the court!” Judge Rinder slammed down his gavel, trying to make himself seem important in front of the renowned Judge Atsushi. He looked at Judge Atsushi in the corner of his eye but the boi wasn’t even paying attention, staring down the smol American highschooler who previously went by Kiwi.
“Mr Turner,” Atsushi took a menacing step toward Light, thankfully there was a lot of space between the doors and Monsier Turner (AKA extra drama) “is it or is it not true that you have a vendetta against the Oxbridge students because of their late employee, Shu?”
Light’s face dropped, “This isn’t about that! It’s not!”
“Is it or is it not true that because of your romantic relationship with Shu, you killed an Oxbridge student, and then commenced to kill many many moor?”
“Objection, badgering!” Light’s attorney tried to butt in.
“Shut up!!!” Rinder screamed, “Shut up, shut up, shut up! This might be the only opportunity I will ever have to see Judge Atsushi doing this thang, and you’re RUINING IT!! You know what, F--- you! F--- you! F--- you all! I hate you! You stupid fat f---er! I wish you were dead! I wish we were all dead!”
(“Who’s beeping out the swear words?” Sanji rose a brow.
“I think we’re on TV,” Dazai yawned.)
Judge Rinder stood up and tore off this judge robe. Under it was a...a…???