The Brother With The Ofsted Tattoo
Somehow five of the halls merged into one simultaneously, and five students found themselves being yeeted into each other.
Sasuke pushed himself off the pile of students, brushing himself off with poorly-disguised disgust. During the yeeting Nekozawa had ended face-first on the floor with Soma sprawled over his back.
Kyoya stood ready with his clipboard, ready to brainstorm. He had foreseen the yeeting in the stars and was therefore exempt from the tortures of touching the other students.
“Okay,” Kyoya started, his authoritative voice drawing everyone's attention (everyone meaning Sasuke, Chuuya, Soma, and Nekozawa), “Fukazawa made it very clear that he thought this to be a case of theft, which implied it’s not a vendetta against Chopper but perhaps one against Oxbridge. Having a series of mysterious accidents happening at this university will not reflect well with potential students.” This would not be good news, graduating from an average university would not put him in a good position to inherit his father’s company, alas he was up against his many brothers, their conflict unresolvable.
Soma nodded, enraptured with Kyoya’s words.
Chuuya also nodded, for he saw where Kyoya was going with this, or at least he thought he knew.
Soon after, Nekozawa nodded, he felt as if he understood what Kyoya was saying and considered it a rather grand way of thinking of the problem.
Sasuke nodded too, he leant against the cool Oxbridge stone walls with his arms crossed over his chest and found himself agreeing with Kyoya.
“We should go to the priest’s office, Kaname used to work with Ofsted,” Sasuke proposed.
“Indeed, the Ofsted workers were the ones that wanted to shut down Oxbridge from the start, heavens knows why. It's possible this is their new attempt at ruining us and sending us back to that disgusting university, Knottingham University,” Kyoya replied.
“Gay,” Nekozawa said, adjusting his hood and leading the way.
-
When they arrived at the priest’s office they could hear Kaname shouting down the phone in quite the un-holy manner.
“Victor told me he’s always butting heads with his brother,” Soma muttered conspiratorially to Nekozawa. “Though I suppose a Brother’s Conflict is quite normal in families, I wouldn't know as my brother Ciel is dead.” Nekozawa patted him on the back awkwardly in an attempt to comfort him, though he knew nothing would fix the damage that devil Pokkle had made to the lives of so many students.
Sasuke leant closer to the door, the Priest’s voice was not clear through the very heavy old-timey doors.
“I saw her first!” the priest shouted down the phone, “She’s mine - no, no no no, don’t you dare use the loss of her squirrel as a way to weasel in!”
“Wait,” Sasuke muttered, “He’s not the only one in there…”
Kyoya adjusted his glasses on his nose, “Then I suppose it’s time to see who he is selling Chopper’s leg to.”
Soma felt it too rude to merely barge into the office of a priest so before Chuuya and Sasuke could ready themselves to yeet against the door Soma knocked.
“Ah, come in.”
It wasn’t the man they expected.
“Thank you, Headmaster,” Kyoya slid past him, normal as he normally was.
Soma and Nekozawa followed, Sasuke’s brows were stiff in confusion, was that not a bizarre conversation for Fukazawa to be present for?
“She’s mine, and if you try and kiss her before I get to again then I will smite you! Smite you all to hell!” Kaname shouted into his phone, throwing it to the ground. He wasn’t a part of the system.
“What a nice man. He cares so much for his sister.” Nekozawa commented. He wished he had that sort of close relationship with his own sister, who was too frightened to look at him. Not even his puppet belezenoff could calm her horrible screams when she saw him.
Kaname turned to the waiting students. “What can I do you for?” he asked nonchalantly, as if the phone conversation hadn't happened.
“Where were you half an hour ago!” Soma screamed, pointing at the priest. The time for subtlety and kindness was gone, a reindeer had lost his leg and a thief was on the loose. When Soma caught him he’d chop off both his legs for good measure, it was only fair.
The priest smirked, his lips turned in a smirk. “I was of course in the Oxbridge brothels, worshipping the bodies of the beautiful men and women within the walls sometimes on my knees, sometimes against the wall.”
“I am witness to that, I was there,” Fukazawa said.
“Really?” Kaname looked to the headmaster, “I didn’t see you, after all I have been inviting you to the fine establishment ever since my priesthood began.”
“Tch,” Chuuya clicked his tongue. “I thought the brothels were closed because the headmaster’s parents weren't here?”
Fukazawa nodded. “A problem that needed to be rectified. Hence why I was there, setting the rooms back up. We get so much of our revenue from that business, I certainly could not allow for it to fall into disuse, just like that basic school Hogwarts. And now that they are back and running, we can finally get on to fixing the wifi problem. I am looking forward to Ranpo’s update from Kenji’s farm.”
“Do you know where your ex-colleague, Fuhrer Bradley, is?” Sasuke spoke up.
Everyone looked towards him, but the boi stood with his arms crossed facing Kaname head-on.
The priest pulled out his phone immediately, “Don’t you worry Sasuke-kun, no-one took Chopper’s leg due to me. See,” he showed the students his phone, which was open on instagram. It was a photo of Fuhrer Bradley and a young boy in bed, timestamped just around an hour ago with the location set to Germany. The caption read: ‘night in with an underage boy, I certainly had fun. Not so sure about him.’
“Checks out,” Nekozawa muttered, nodding.
Soma nodded as he stared at the screen.
“WAIT! We never mentioned this was about Chopper’s leg. Where did you get this information?” Nekozawa cried, a smirk under his hood. He was sure he had spotted a major hole in the priest’s story.
Kaname looked at him like he was stupid. “Are you stupid?” Kaname asked him. “I was there. In the hospital room. With Chopper. With you. I assumed it was about Chopper, Fukazawa asked you himself to look into the problem. Why else would you be asking?”
Nekozawa nodded, trying to not show his embarrassment. “How convenient,” he noted. “Some might even say it's SUSPICIOUS.”
Soma gasped. He couldn’t believe how stupid his friend was.
“Well, if that’s everything, then I think you should all leave,” Fukazawa said gently but firmly. “You all have a lot more investigative work to do I’m sure. You have my full confidence. And I must be going too, I have some business to attend to… elsewhere.”
At that, students filed out of the room, unsure what their next move would be, and also quite confused about the outcome of that interrogation.
-
Ayato pushed a box of thirteen tapes that he had just received out of the way and pressed his fingers together, smiling kindly across at Chopper who had just been wheeled in by Fukuzawa for an emergency therapy session. It had come as a surprise to Ayato who had had to quickly bin his Marks & Spencers ready meal. He had been having venison, and he was always very careful to ensure Chopper did not witness him eating what could be a relative of the reindeer. That could be traumatic. And as a psychologist, he knew more than a little about trauma. After the loss of his first two legs, Chopper had been seeing the therapist pretty regularly, and had seemed to be making great progress. However, after the third leg was cut off too, this progress had been set back quite a bit.
“I’m very happy to see you here today, Chopper. You’ve been doing so well. How are you feeling?” he asked in his calming, neutral ‘therapist-ic’ tone.
Chopper was lying on the sofa - without his legs he was a pathetic sight really, looking like a miserable potato with antlers. Thankfully Yasopp had spawned in to hold the reindeer over his shoulders high in the sky and place him onto the sofa.
“Sad. Limbless. Weak.” he replied. “But the others are all out looking for my leg and that feels pretty good. To be important enough for them to do this for me.”
Ayato nodded. “It’s understandable you feel that way.” He quickly made a few notes on a Harrods receipt. “Now I’m going to show you some pictures and I would just like you to tell me what you see in the ink blots.”
“I see... a reindeer. But it’s not complete. It’s lost its legs! It's ME! I’VE lost my legs!” Chopper brayed in sorrow.
Ayato had been too busy thinking about the deer-hair left behind by the mangy mutt on his expensive £150,000,000 sofa to listen to this answer. He was sure it was self-involved anyway. Ever since Chopper had lost his legs, that was all this deer thought about.
“I can imagine that must be quite frustrating,” Ayato used one of his handy therapist stock phrases.
Chopper continued, “I had a dream last night. I was flying. I was a reindeer with wings. I had all my legs back and I glided in the sky among the birds and flying bisons. Then suddenly the Fire Nation attacked and their arrows hit my legs. My legs BURNED off, and fell. Fell into a pig man’s bar where he sold them alongside bacon and more bacon. Without my legs, my wings left me too, and I drowned in the sea, my devil fruit making me sink lower and lower.”
‘Drowned in the sea’? With his Freudian knowledge Ayato knew a dream about the sea could only mean sex. The rest was irrelevant.
If sex was what was on the reindeer’s mind, that was what had to be talked about.
“Tell me, Chopper, what was your relationship like with... your mother?”
“I never knew my mother,” was the reply, “anyway my legs-”
“And your father?” pressed on Ayato.
“The closest thing to parents were the doctors I grew up with. Can you tell me what my dream means?”
“I believe the sea represents the depth of your libido, you strongly yearn for intercourse. Being among birds and bisons refers to your desire to have sex with your parental figures. Perfectly normal and healthy, don’t worry. I would be more concerned if you DIDN’T want to have intimate relations with them. The Fire Nation attacking is your castration anxiety. Your superego tells you it’s wrong but your id encourages it. Ordinarily, for humans, this complex should be dealt with in the younger years - most humans don’t even remember their incestual desires, even going on to DENY ever having such thoughts - but of course it’s different for an animal. Remaining a virgin so long must make it even harder. Your clear oral fixation probably doesn’t help either. And...” Ayato glanced at his £300,000,000 pocket watch, “ Your time is up for today Chopper.”
He turned his back to the reindeer, hoping that would make the boi leave. Unfortunately with his leg shortage, Chopper had limited mobility; in the end Ayato left his flailing body there for his break, and again when he went for din dins. Yasopp had to come all the way back to carry him out again in a baby harness, while Ayato arranged for a deep clean of his £150,000,000 sofa.