Eren Yeager Is A Loser
It’s mid-afternoon; the hallways were painted in a halo of orange-brown, warm from post-noon sun. Zoro was lost again in the ridiculous Knottingshame Trent corridors. He had lost Sanji a few weeks ago after the French man had realised how much he had in common with the music student, Chuuya.
Zoro’s footsteps were light against the cheap linoleum flooring. His expression was tight and fixed.
A student - walking towards him? The first thing Zoro noticed was the Knottingham Trent student’s intense gaze.
The word 'lightning beast’ was whispered down the corridor, like a taunt, repeated until the separate words became impossible to distinguish from each other. Zoro couldn't tell where the noise came from until the man got closer. He was whispering it himself, blue eyes steely and stern.
“Your voice?” Zoro stopped him in the corridor.
The man looked up. “I am the Lightning Beast, Son Hak.”
“Your voice is intriguing,” Zoro revealed. Something about it was eerily familiar, but he couldn't figure out what.
“My name is Hak, bodyguard of Yona who comes from the Dawn: she is called Yona of the Dawn. She moved on from her incestuous attraction for her cousin to be with me, Hak, Litenin Bezt.” The man’s hair was dark blue brushing over the bridge of his nose, arms toned, with a glaive strapped over his back. There was an air to him - a type of lightning almost - sensual, sexual, made even the most masculine man Zoro weak at the knees.
“Interesting.” The more he heard his voice, the more Zoro wanted to get away from the man.
“The title Lightning Beast was given to me when I defeated all the generals at the ripe young age of fourteen and thusly became the strongest general in Cocoa, which I appreciate is a very small land mass only five by five metres but I fought hard for my title and held it with pride.”
Hak turned away from Zoro when he realised Zoro had nothing else to say, resuming his whispering of ‘lightning beast’.
Zoro watched the man leave from over his shoulder. Hak was an attractive man, and had an eerily similar voice to himself. The competition for the two men with hair and the same voice had, of course, only begun.
-
“I can't believe it, I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME? They beat my top score. I'm fuming. I got a whole 60% per cent. Before this moment 45% was the highest any Knottingham Trent student has ever received in any academic test ever! How is it even possible to get 110%? I challenged him to fight of wits, and somehow i was unarmed. Clearly Professor Heinz has a hard on for them, just because they’re oxbridge students or maybe because they met in a gay bar. This is an attack on us, the Titans!” Eren cried lewdly.
“An attack on Titans? Not allowed!” Jean shouted passionately, spittle showering everyone in the room. He would have to clean that later, on his knees, maybe they would look a little scraped. The unfortunate thing about Professor Heine’s height was that even kneeling down was too tall; one had to lay on their stomachs and tilt their head up to be the correct height to get the grade they desired. How good was Tamaki’s mouth to get 110%?
Mikasa sniffed quietly beside them, her usual calm demeanor destroyed by this blow to their popular clique, the Titans.
Yuki was beside them, listening. The Pokkle of the group. No one noticed him, why would they? But he heard their cries and smirked, knowing he was not alone in his battle with the Oxbridge students. It started with the tournament, and they may have thought it had ended with their success, but little did they know he had claimed himself as their official rival. He was dedicated to this job. Stalking them constantly, taking pictures and plastering them on his wall, he thought about them often, especially in the shower, even when having his happy ending with Yuno, his beloved. His Future Diary regularly featured ‘I think about Tamaki,’ ‘I think about Neko,’ and many more ‘I think about’s’ for all of the other Oxbridge students. Yuki was ashamed of how often he thought of Shanks, who had appeared to him in his darkest hour in the Tournament and continued to plague him in his wet dreams and in his living moments. Shanks was currently standing (shirtless) by the doorway of the classroom, and Yuki knew he was not real but Shanks was the only one who made him feel safe after the Triwizard Tournament.
Eren was still screaming. Dazai tried his hardest not to shout back. The funny thing was, Tamaki had gotten the lowest grade of the group as he usually did. Kyoya had gotten his essay published, as had Kunikida, Haruhi, and himself, though they had been told by Deus themselves not to allow it to get out to the class or they would feel overwhelmed. Apparently they usually got around 30% in these essays.
Eren threw his essay in Tamaki’s face - Tamaki looked stricken, confused, upset, his face had gotten red and blotchy from embarrassment from all the shouting, but the last straw was Eren shoving Tamaki over the back of a table.
The air in the classroom changed. The faces of the oxbridge students suddenly darkened. Dazai gripped his gun kept in its holster under his jacket. Kunikida had his tarnished Ideals at the ready. Karou gritted his teeth in shock, while Kyoya started dialling the number for his private army to have this boy exterminated like the pest he has. Mori was as silent as ever, but ANGRY silent.
“No - no!” Chopper shouted over the clamour of bodies ready to fight, dragging himself forward in his new wheelchair. His legless behind was strapped into the brace while he pulled himself along with his two remaining front legs. “This is their plan! They WANT to get us yeeted out of the college - we can’t let them bait us like this!”
Chopper had only had the priorities of his peers at the forefront of his mind. The Oxbridge professors had specifically told Chopper and the fellow students that there was no ‘bail-out’; this wasn’t like the time they had the holiday to prison. This was serious stuff - Knottingham Trent was now their school - and if they got thrown out they’d be faced with having to attend the even worse ones like Incereal College or Sheffield Harem. Or, worst-case scenario, no university would have space for them and they would end up dropping out with a debt of millions.
Though Chopper feared for the distant future of his peers, Eren clearly more fearful for his imminent end, unless he managed to redirect the violence of the Oxbridge students.
The Titans were outnumbered. Seeing the glint of Dazai’s gun, Eren felt a slither of fear and doubt creep into his mind. He wasn’t doubtful of his own abilities as a fighter, but he was currently faced with many weapons, many of which he did not understand. What was Kunikida doing with that notebook, and why was the French man’s leg on fire? What would happen if they fought the ex-Oxbridge students and lost? (Thankfully, Yuki was close enough - Eren snatched the Future Diary from his hands, wanting to find out the outcome of the fight he seemed to have landed himself in. It read: I think about Dazai, I think about Tamaki, Shanks tells me the answers to the quiz, Eren challenges Tamaki to a battle of wits, Eren loses with 60% comparative to Tamaki’s 110%, I think about Tamaki, the Titans Attack all of the ex-Oxbridge students and lose, I think sexy thoughts about Shanks, I undress Shanks with my mind, I conceal my erection by tying a jumper around my waist, and at that point Eren decided it would be best to stop reading). What they really needed was someone, or someTHING, disposable to fight for them. But what?
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Shin-ah. He wore his mask like always, and stood silently on the side of the room. On his shoulder was his loyal squirrel, Ao, and the mascot of Knottingham Trent University. The whole university, not just the course. That would be silly.
“A battle between us would be far too easy. We are the Titans, after all, no one can Attack us. Surely more of a challenge would be for our mascots to fight for us. We’ll have this squirrel represent us in this bout!” Eren cried. Ao’s eyes glinted with unrepressed blood lust.
“This is a good way to resolve the argument and get blood for what they’ve done to Tamaki,” Chopper reasoned. “We just need to find a mascot.”
“Chopper will be our mascot,” Sanji decided abruptly.
Eren’s face paled, “No students! A mascot is an animal only!”
Zoro had entered the room in the middle of the screaming match just in time to see Eren yeet Tamaki over the table.
“I,” he announced, voice unwavering, reminding him painfully of the other boi the lightning boi the husbando of Yona, “Shall find us our mascot.” He turned sharply and left the classroom. The students all stood stock still in silence, staring each other down.
Zoro stood outside the astrology building. What should their mascot be, the animal to represent Oxbridge in their darkest hour?
Zoro re-entered the classroom, holding a screaming and chirping squirrel by its bushy tail, and threw it into the centre of the room. He had, of course, found it on a random tree, and decided it would do just fine.
“How dare this attractive man touch me?” the squirrel screamed, while also blushing. “There I, Juli, was, sitting peacefully, thinking about my girl Chi, and about how to keep those nasty boys, her own brothers, away from her. And all of a sudden I’m here!”
Chopper smiled sympathetically. He recognised the squirrel from the popular reality TV show Brother’s Conflict. “I’m sorry fluffy friendo, but we need you to fight this squirrel for us. It's for the honour of our school.”
“You want me, a kawaii squirrel to fight? Can you not see this bow I’m wearing? I'm a pure boyo. How stupid must you be?”
“Does anyone have a devil fruit,” Sanji asked, looking around. “This squirrel looks lame. I have no plan on losing this fight because Zoro, who went outside, decided against choosing any other animal that could take down a squirrel such as, for example, a bear, a dog,” Sanji ran out of animals (his skilled brain was suffering around all of these dumbass Knottingham students).
Ao didn't give them any chance for more arguing. She leapt off Shin-ha’s shoulder and into battle with a cute chirp. She immediately gripped Juli’s bow with her small pointed teeth, and pulled, choking the grey squirrel. At first Juli enjoyed it, but then the squeezing on his neck became tighter and it became uncomfortable as his lungs struggled. His tiny front paws slapped at Ao’s. His eyes started to bulge, the veins popping. His heart beat loudly in his ears. He struggled and twisted round, batting Ao with his paw, but it was weak, his small feet not used to combat. But Ao was. She had fought in so many battles alongside her friends, and she’d learned to enjoy the taste of death.
Just as Juli’s vision started to get dark, Ao let go.
She wasn't ready for this fight to end so quickly, but alas it still lasted longer than all of the Titans. Ao knew she could still have fun tormenting this squirrel first. She wanted to taste blood. To rip flesh apart with her fangs. To hear his cries as he begged for mercy, and to watch as his eyes glazed over with the arrival of death.
The students, who had quickly circled the two combatting squirrels, had a mixture of responses to the fight. The Oxbridge students were irate, showing their displeasure through gritted teeth and balled fists. Their squirrel clearly wasn’t the strongest. It was weaker than any creature they had ever come across. The Knottinham Trent students, namely Eren, stood in excitement as their mascot almost butchered another one of her kind.
Juli regained his balance and panted, whipping round to glare at his opponent. He wouldn't let the smaller squirrel surprise him again. Bunching his muscles, he lept at Ao, paws outstretched, trying to go for her eyes. But Ao was quicker. She jumped neatly to side, then raised a paw to shove Juli’s shoulder, unbalancing him. He fell to the side, exposing his belly. With one fatal blow, Ao slit his body from his throat to tail with her sharpened claws.
Juli screamed in pain and terror, the sound eliciting winces from the audience, and then started to choke. The blood erupted quickly from the deep wound, from a fountain to a river in seconds, staining the floor red. The image made Atsushi feel sick, reminding him about the time when he had been birthed from Shu’s body. Juli’s body started to shake and convulse, his tail waving in panic. Looking around him, he could see the crowd of leering faces, the Knottingham Trent students who were chanting for his death.
With his final breath, he cursed the ex-Oxbridge students. He hoped they would all die painful deaths. But he couldn't bring himself to linger on them, as his last thoughts turned to his beautiful mistress. Who would protecc her? She might end up marrying one of her own brothers!
And then his body finally stilled, his head slumped to the side. His small body took its final breath. The bow that his mistress had so lovingly given to him laid crumpled beneath his now cold body.
The outcome of the fight was quite anticlimactic. The Oxbridge students filed out of the classroom one by one, angry, and making plans to go to the local gay bar to drink away their misery. They didn’t want to stay and watch the Knottingham Trent students celebrate their pathetic victory.
Eren and the other Titans were practically pissing themselves with joy. They whooped and cheered, Jean did a victory dance, Mikasa repeatedly hit the Woah. Ao chirped joyfully, rolling in the blood, soaking it into her fur to show off her victory. She leapt back onto Shin-ah’s shoulder; his demeanor had never changed throughout the fight, and even in the face of victory he did not smile, although he patted her head happily. They were all so excited, the Knottingham students didn't even notice when they trampled the corpse of the deceased squirrel! His skull crunched underfoot, but alas. The day was finally going their way. Erin had of course known that they wouldn't have won in a hand-to-hand combat, but to think the dumbass Knottingham Trent squirrel could actually win was spectacular. Of course he would rather have the innocent animal die rather than himself of any of his peers be injured, he wasn’t stupid! Plus, if the squirrel were to lose, it wouldn't affect his pride as much as if he himself had lost in hand-to-hand combat.
Eren had almost forgotten that Tamaki had almost doubled his grade in the recent test, achieving a whole 50% more than him.