The Perks Of Being A Wallpaper
Fukazawa’s hand shook, the letter quivering in his grip.
“What does it say?” Tomoe drawled, clearly disinterested.
For the second time since the Triwizard Tournament, Fukazawa seemed to be having a breakdown. He pressed his face into his hands and dragged his fingers to his hair, tugging. “I can’t believe them! I can’t believe this!”
Kakashi sighed, removing his mask from his sharingan eye. “They’re closing Oxbridge forever and removing Fukazawa’s teaching licence.”
“They’re taking Oxbridge from me,” Fukazawa gritted his teeth, muscles in his cheeks bunching. “I worked hard for Oxbridge - they have no right…and my students need us, the jailbreak is clear example of that...” Fukazawa continued to mutter to himself, again speaking in his hands, voice muffled.
“The Indian student taught me that i had to believe in my students, even the selectively mute ones that you consider completely lost and pathetic. The students will be fine.” Hawkeye’s tone was bereft of emotion. Surprisingly none of the teachers seemed largely concerned about the situation; even Fukazawa seemed to be coping more with the shock of losing his school rather than real sadness or anger at the accusations pinned on him in the letter.
Victor was crying in the corner of the room, screaming for his boi Kaname. Fukuzawa’s son Ranpo had just entered the office to use his personal Smarties dispenser, and heard this shocking news.
Ranpo immediately moved to push his glasses up his nose to solve the predicament his father found himself in - but oh! No! His glasses weren’t on his face, how would he be able to use his super deduction skills??? For the first time in months Ranpo opened his eyes, finally seeing the light and his father’s office. How could he find his glasses without his deduction skills?? Would he have to leave his father?
For a moment Ranpo looked between the six adults, unable to recognise which was his father now his eyes were open, and he quickly turned to leave the office, overwhelmed.
“I for one refuse to be part of this public apology. I honestly don’t care.” Tomoe sat on the edge of Fukazawa’s desk, arms crossed.
The other rael teachers seconded his notion. They seemed most upset by Fukazawa’s reaction to the poor news. Of course it was widely known that the lecturers took the role as a hobby more than as a means to earn money; Shanks was an Emperor of the Sea and also had his clothing line specialising in hats, Hawkeye was a warlord with trade and transport routes as well, Kakashi was a famour erotica author (and the live actions which he starred in), and no-one knew where Tomoe got his money though Forbes identified the origins of his wealth to be largely suspicious.
“No one’s apologising to anyone, of course. To suggest it is absurd, especially given none of this was our fault,” said Fukuzawa. “It’s all the fault of that damn janitor, Shu. Even beyond the grave he torments us, and we are merely puppets dancing to his tune.”
Shanks shook his head. “I should have killed him with the chair in the cheeseboard before he started shagging Usopp.”
“First off, we need a plan for the students. I propose we send them to another prestigious University where they can flourish and continue to dance their way to the final throwdown. Tamaki has just mastered the tango, Mori is a specialist in exotic dancing. The dance competition has been ruined now.”
“Unfortunately we have no hand in that, and can only hope the students forgive us for that. But regardless...which university should we send them to, which is good enough for our students…?” Fukazawa stared through the gaps between his fingers, looking out towards the school grounds out the window.
-
The first thing Tamaki noticed was how disgosting the Knottingham Trent school grounds were compared to Oxbridge. These were not fit for a king like himself! There was only one library which was clearly an old strip club (Tonpa the deceased nurse used to be very popular there), and this place didn’t even have university brothels! The walls were greying with moss and an interesting smell clung to each and every room. Tamaki shivered. He didn't know how he would last in this new building, without the supporting Oxbridge teachers, but was glad to have his friends with him. At least they would all suffer together.
Thankfully his daughter Haruhi seemed to be acclimating well. Tamaki turned to face forward on his desk. He couldn’t see Zoro in the room, but perhaps he hadn’t arrived to Knottingham Trent yet, most likely lost.
The first class was something Tamaki would never forget.
They were met by their new teacher. A short man with a big cock, the best type. And so bootiful he looked like a small child. Honey was instantly jealous of the lolita vibes he was getting off him. He hoped he could be as adorable when he turned 40. Mori seemed to be thinking something along the same lines. He decided he would make a proposition to this beautiful creature before the hour was up, and waited in this seat patiently.
“Welcome to today’s class. I see we have some new students here today. They are joining us from the prestigious university Oxbridge university, which has recently announced its permanent closure. I was sad to hear the news; I’ve been applying there for years yet for some reason the principal seemed to think I was too short for the job. The principal would always highlight to me that they were not ‘short-staffed’, though I’d like to note that I am clearly a better candidate than that binman studies tutor. I would know, I fucked him once from dusk till dawn. I used this,” he pulled out a pointer from his pocket which he unfolded to about a metre and a half in length, “To fuck him as well, and let me tell you what I lack in height I make up with in creativity and the pursuit of pleasure. Never once have any of my partners left my bed dissatisfied.
“My name is Heine Wittgenstein, and I will be your tutor for the rest of your astrology degree, unless of course in some unforeseen circumstance Knottingham Trent also closes down. I hope you will enjoy my lessons, and that you will give your best to my class so that you’ll find it most fulfilling.
“Today’s class will be on how to calculate the rising sign. Can anyone tell me what this sign is?”
Tamaki raised his hand.
“Yes, Suoh?”
Tamaki gasped. “You know my name?”
“Yes, I’ve seen you in the local gay bars. I assume you visit those for anonymity?”
“I was trying to figure out my sexuality after the body switch thing!” Tamaki shouted defensively, face flushing red. He ducked his head in embarrassment and hid his face in his arms. Haruhi raised her eyebrow in interest.
Dazai lent over his desk and whispered to him, “I know of some good gay bars closer to Oxbridge if you’re interested, I frequent them regularly with Shanks, Hawkeye and Fukazawa. Sometimes Zoro and Sanji too if they’re not tired of the straight bars.” This seemed to perk Tamaki up.
“What was your answer Suoh?”
“Actually I had a very important question.”
“Yes? What is it?”
“When are you going to go to sleep so we can do independent classes?”
“I don't sleep, EVER, and even if I did I would never do it in class.”
“Peculiar,” Hikaru muttered. “He must not understand the essence of his job description. What is he doing?”
The Oxbridge students sat in silence and watched in awe as Heine stood at the front of his classroom, using his anal pointer to motion to a diagram on the screen. The red-headed man seemed to be getting enthused about the topic; Atusuhi was scribbling busily on sheaths of paper, Kyoya’s glasses glinted and his lips were twisted in a slight smirk. Were these students so dumb and pathetic that they needed to be spoon-fed by a two-foot commoner teacher who probably didn’t even have a degree himself? Perhaps this transfer would be more interesting than he thought.
Heine then divided them into small groups for a quick project. Kyoya and Tamaki were paired with Zeno and Eren, two well-known and well-liked Knottingham Trent students. Eren had been in the goblet of fire as a potential representative for the university; he was extremely popular and known for his intelligence.
“Hi! Zeno’s name is Zeno! Zeno is hungry, when’s lunch?”
“I’ll do this project,” Eren snapped. “I don’t want you guys ruining my grade. Professor Heine is a hardass and I don't need you guys pulling me down.”
An impasse had been reached. Tamaki’s expression dropped. He hadn’t even had the chance to introduce himself to the new students and the people he hoped to be his future friends.
He felt uncomfortable watching Eren do all the work, and when he voiced his concerns to Kyoya they decided they too would do the group project, but separately, in the hopes that they could merge their tasks at the end. It took Tamaki and Kyoya all but two minutes to complete the task, and they watched Eren struggle for the remainder of the twenty minutes. The boyo was sitting there sweeting, he had chewed his pen and the ink had ejaculated onto the side of his mouth and over his cheek, his eyes were bloodshot from where he had dug his nails into them in anguish during his intellectual struggle.
Finally came the time when Heine asked for each group to give feedback on their work. Somehow the rest of the ex-Oxbridge students managed to get themselves into the same group.
“This is amazing,” Heine stopped at their table and looked down at their work. “Are you sure you aren’t supposed to be enrolled into the advanced class? This is only an introductory module, i doubt the content in this class will be enough to stimulate you all. I am gobsmacked. I’ll discuss this with Deus later and see what he thinks, i can see that being around these students,” Heine motioned to the Knottingham Trent bois, “Will be a waste of time for you all, and i absolutely think that young and intelligent minds should be allowed to flourish.”
Zeno cheered. “Yay! Well done boyos! Zeno is very happy to meet such smart bois!” his face made an uwu shape.
“Might I ask, who senpai’d you to this level? I’d like to purchase all of their research materials, this is absolutely spectacular.” Heine continued to mutter to himself, spending another few moments flitting his gaze over their work. “Phenomenal, just phenomenal,” he couldn’t stop repeating.
Heine then passed by the other groups; the next few were composed exclusively of Knottingham Trent students. Their work hardly phased Heine. He kept repeating ‘satisfactory’ or akin synonyms. He was still sweating from whatever the Oxbridge students had written, and continually dabbed his brow with an old receipt. He’d kept it as a souvenir after his night with Victor, the closest he’d gotten to his goal of being an Oxbridge professor.
He then approached Tamaki, Kyoya, Zeno, and Eren’s table. Still clearly distracted, Heine picked up Eren’s piece of paper, dropped it without a second glance, and then picked up the sheet beside Kyoya and Tamaki.
“Wow. Wow,” Heine mused. “I must say, we are very lucky to have the Oxbridge students here with us today. They have most certainly added something into this class that it was previously lacking. Eren and Zeno, i can definitely see your improvement here. Is there any way i can make a copy of your work to read over in more detail in my free time? I definitely see many points for development within this work.”
Heine had directed the question to Kyoya and Tamaki; Eren’s face turned red in anger. Just as he had been doing for the last projects, Heine reached up to the table to scrawl down a grade on the project.
“Well done, Eren. I know as an overachiever you were aiming high this semester, this grade should help boost your average. Clearly Kyoya and Tamaki seem to be your key to success.”
The grade Heine had written: upper first, publishable level.
The class quickly disbanded after that; Heine was the first to leave the room. The ex-Oxbridge students looked to each other in confusion. What was that? They most certainly weren’t paying over nine grand a year to listen to someone less qualified than they were natter on and on about something he clearly didn't have a clue about.
However the Knottingham Trent students had another idea. They beelined to the Oxbridge students to quiz them on their project grades. Jae-ha grabbed Mori’s project from his grip and looked at the grade penned in red.
Each Knottingham Trent student quickly discovered the same thing.
“I can’t believe they got higher grades! Professor Heine is such a harsh grader!” Yuno snapped. “I bet he was being nice to make them feel more welcome after their school got shut down - hey, hey, guess what!” she screamed, “I heard the music and astrology teachers from Oxbridge were having sex! Apparently the principal adopted a student and keeps him as a house pet! The english teacher had sex with a student, and killed another student and then had sex with his corpse!”
Sanji and Zoro both stepped toward the hysterical girl, muscles in their arms bulging in anger, Zoro’s hand twitching as he reached for a sword, Sanji raising his dominant leg. The girl had no idea what she was talking about. Kunikida and Atsushi quickly stepped in front of them, “Remember what the professors told us - we can’t start trouble at this school. We have to give it a chance.”
It wasn’t enough to calm their rage, though it did stop them from approaching Yuno.
The ex-Oxbridge students, unsettled by the competitive nature and slander from the Knottingham Trent students, could only hope no one else made them enraged enough to lash out.