Praise the Log

Waking up early to go to school again sucked. 

Thankfully, he had a relatively full night's rest due to his adventure in water walking the day before. He actually slept through most of the night, which is a huge plus. 

Anyway, waking up early sucked. Why did people do it? He needed some coffee otherwise he was going to be useless for the rest of the day. And he needed it for sure if he was going to suffer the indignity of being twelve years old and being surrounded by immature brats. 

He had decided the night before that he was going to make an attempt at the Academy today. According to his memories, he only had like a month left of classes anyway until he would graduate. So it only made sense that he would make sure he passed. And to do that he needed to be present at the school. 

Despite the fact that according to canon, only those Rookie Nine brats actually graduated. 

Which means he has his work cut out for him if he was going to make something of himself. Is the Genin Corps a thing? He doesn’t know. 

There is a lot he doesn’t know damnit. It’s getting annoying. 

If it is a thing, maybe he could go there? But if he knows anything, the people in charge are probably just as over-worked as the academy teachers and will have no time for any individual training with brats like him. 

‘Problem for later.’ 

Anyway, his morning goes something like this. Wake up, fling the itchy blanket across the room, stumble into the bathroom and close his eyes while doing so. He’s not ready to deal with that shit yet. Finish up, throw some bread in his toaster, dress himself in a long sleeve shirt that doesn’t smell too bad and some dark pants, and then throw himself out the window after grabbing his toast when it dings. 

And then threw himself back into his room when he realized he forgot his keys. And his wallet. And his weapons pouch. And then threw himself back out the window a second time. 

The three story drop is scary as fuck. Heights and him do not mix well. Then he’s off to the academy before he can think too much about it. 

He weaves his way through the early morning foot traffic, and makes it to the school in record times. He’s early. By like, a lot. Half an hour at the least. But that’s okay, he wanted to get a lay of the land so to speak. Figure out where his class is and not feel foolish later on when he’s accidentally late or something. 

He finds the classroom quick enough and there’s no one inside it. Which is a relief, but instead of dropping into a seat and waiting, he wanders off in the direction he knows the teacher’s lounge is. He bets that out of everyone in the village, second only to the Hokage tower, that they have coffee in droves. 

‘Hmm, coffee.’ 

The door to get in is one of those sliding doors, so with a deep breath, he slides it open and peaks into the room. 

He sighs when he doesn’t see anyone inside. His eyes flick around the room until he sees what he was looking for sitting on a counter in the far corner of the room. The coffee machine beckons him forwards with whispered sweet nothings. It’s dark liquid gold enticing him to come take a cup, you’ll feel so much better.  

“Thank the gods.” He mumbles and skitters over to the holy grail. Searching the cupboards above the machine, he finds one with a few coffee cups inside it. He reaches blindly in, and grabs the first one his fingers make contact with.  

A cup is poured and brought to his mouth before he even blinks. The enticing smell of liquid gold fills his nostrils like some sort of love potion from Harry Potter. Taking a sip, he burns his tongue and slumps in defeat. 

Whatever, he ambled his way out of the room and made his way to the classroom. When he gets there, he just kind of stands there. Wondering where he is supposed to sit and if he can pick the right spot to be as far away from any of those brats as he can be. He tries to think if they had assigned seats but it doesn’t look like they do. 

He sighs, and picks one completely at random. The back corner, closest to the back door and furthest away from the rest of the crazy brats. He slinks down into the chair, hands wrapped around the warm mug of coffee and tries to not think about how much he wants to throw himself out the window. 

He doesn’t quite manage it. The window looks so inviting.

He’s halfway through his cup when the door at the front of the class slides open and Umino Iruka walks into the room. The man’s dark eyes scan the room before they land on him in the far corner. And he feels his shoulders slump at the way the man’s eyebrows raise in surprise.

“Rei-kun,” He can see Iruka’s eyes glance to the clock on the wall before they turn back to regard him with a weird intensity. “What a…surprise.”

“Sensei.” He slumps even further into his seat. To the point that he’s practically laying across his desk. He knew it, he should have waited a bit longer until he came. Made sure there were some other brats in the room before he came in. Then he wouldn’t be forced to go through the conversation he sees building up within Iruka’s eyes. 

“We missed you yesterday, are you well?” Iruka sets the bag he’d been carrying down on the front desk, but his eyes are staring up at Rei. Dark and calculating, like he’s sizing him up for a fight. 

He should probably apologize for that. Right? That would be the respectful thing to do. And it’s not like he’s very aware of the customs around here. Maybe he’d violently insulted someone by not at least preparing a note or something? 

“I’m sorry, Sensei.” He sighs, glancing at the window and wondering if he could get to it fast enough before Iruka caught him. “For missing class yesterday. I fell ill and didn’t think I could make it in.”

There, that should cover his bases. Ugh, when was the last time he’d had to do that? Lie his face off. 

‘Last week.’ 

Ah, so it’s not that hard after all.

Iruka seems to buy it, maybe, seeing as the man only sighs and nods to him in understanding. “Did you see a med-nin?” 

Shit. Caught in a trap. How does he get out of this one?

“I-” 

The door slams open with a thunderous clash. A rolling mist of dark haze erupts from the opening. From it, he can see two shining lights that he can tell are eyes. A creature glides through the haze, stiff backed and an aura of murder radiating from them. 

“Umino.” The name is hissed. Venomous and deadly, the creature ready to rip something to shreds.

‘Jackpot. Crisis averted.’

Iruka only seems to sigh and turn slowly to the creature at the door. “Suzume-sensei, to what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“You know what you did.” Another hiss and the figure of his second-year teacher Suzume-sensei glides into view. Her glasses glinting in the low light of the morning sun. 

“I really don’t.” Iruka sighs and Rei feels an unaccountable sense of camaraderie with the man. This is a tired man. And Rei knows a kindred spirit anywhere. 

Maybe he should do something nice for the man? 

“Every morning I come in, you know what I do first?” Suzume-sensei has gotten close to the other man. A few feet being the only thing separating him from the irate woman. 

Iruka sighs again, and oh my god that guy might just be his spirit animal right now, “You drink some coffee?”

“Yesss.” She hisses and uh oh. Rei blinks and feels a little, tiny bit of dread pool in the bottom of his stomach. “And do you know what I use to drink that coffee?”

Iruka’s eyes flicker over him and the oddest sense of oh fuck runs down his spine. “Your favorite cup.”

“My cup!” Steam escapes from Suzume’s nostrils like a bull about to charge. “You know the one, pink, with hearts and the words ‘Best Sensei Ever’ on it? The one Iwana-sensei said you were going to toss in the garbage because it had a chip in the brim?” 

The cup that’s sitting in Rei’s hands. Proudly displayed on the desk in front of him. 

His hands move to his lap as inconspicuously as possible. The cup clutched between white-knuckled fingers. His eyes narrow down at Iruka as the man glances at him again. 

‘Don’t you fucking snitch on me.’ 

“I was joking?” Iruka hesitantly offers, eyes twisting back to Suzume-sensei. And if anything, the woman’s rage rises tenfold. 

A pressure blankets the room. A cold, uncomfortable feeling washing down his spine. And oh, this is killing intent. Huh, he thought it would be worse.

More…debilitating or something. It must be some sort of chakra technique? Blanketing the room with your chakra and spiking it with deadly intent? He didn’t know. 

Hmm, maybe he can practice later and see what comes of it.

His hand starts to rise to sip the coffee before he freezes. Stuck in a conundrum. If he sips, she will see the movement and turn her murderous aura on him. If he doesn’t sip, he’ll feel itchy until he does. And who knows how long until the woman decides to leave the room.

Maybe he could use a Genjutsu? Something low-powered so he doesn’t spike his chakra and alert the raging beast? 

Only problem being, he doesn’t actually know any Genjutsu. Besides the Henge, but that doesn’t really help him right then. Or does it? What if he layers a Henge on himself to block the movement of his arm? Is that possible?

Theoretically, from what he’s learned of the art of Genjutsu in class, he just needs to project the illusion he wants by exerting his chakra into being. Such is the Henge technique. So maybe, he just kind of does…

His chakra thrums to life under his skin and he hums inaudible under his breath. His eyes flash over to the two sensei, one of which is still fuming, and doesn’t see either of them react. 

Cautiously, he raises the cup up past the desk. When they don’t acknowledge his movement, he brings the cup to his lips and takes a sip of the rich, black liquid that is like nectar from the gods. 

To the outside world, he should only look like he’s sitting there with his hands in his lap. Back straight as he watches wide-eyed at the two teachers in front of him.

He’s unhurried in his movements, taking the time to simply relish in the moment. When the cup reaches his lap once again, he cuts off the use of chakra and waits for any sign he’s been caught. 

‘Nothing.’ He sighs. Good.

The killing intent cuts off rather suddenly and the room goes quiet. After a moment, his eyes flicker up to the front of the room to see both sensei staring at him. One in amusement and another in what seems to be embarrassment. 

Suzume-sensei raises a hand and adjusts the glasses on her face. An awkward cough to clear her throat. “My apologies, Rei-kun. I did not see you there.”

Ah. Shit, they’re both looking at him. Quick, say something cool. 

“Maa,” He tries to squint his eyes like Kakashi does in the anime and he’s not sure if he does it right, but at least he can’t see their reaction with his eyes closed. “No need to stop on my account.”

Iruka snorts, and Rei feels a part of himself slump in embarrassment. He said the wrong thing, didn’t he? 

He sighs, glancing at the closed window and debating the merits of jumping through the glass to make a dramatic exit. Maybe he could just switch places with something outside the window? Make it seem more mysterious than what it is.

Suzume-sensei clears her throat again and offers him a rather tense smile. Then she shoots Iruka one last glare. “This isn’t over.”

Rei watches her leave through the door, sliding it softly closed behind her. Her murderous aura disappears like a wave during low-tide. 

He sighs again, and feels way too old for this shit, and it’s not even eight in the morning. His eyes linger on the door for a bit before they slide over to where Iruka is now taking papers out of his bag. He can’t tell what they are from his spot in the back of the room, but he gets the sense that they are some sort of test or something. A quiz maybe?

And he feels his shoulders slump. He’s not good at quizzes. Never has been. 

He closes his eyes and wishes for the ground to open its maw and swallow him whole. So he could be embraced by the bosom of mother earth and not be burdened by things like surprise quizzes and annoying brats. 

The sound of a paper landing on wood comes from right in front of him and jolts his eyes open. There is a sheet of paper sitting before him. And, Iruka is standing before him and he hadn’t heard him move. The man is staring down at him with raised eyebrows. 

Rei sighs. Eyes half-lidded. He’s tired of the theater of it all already. “Yes?”

Iruka hums, “That was a neat trick, with the modified Henge to hide your drink.”

‘Fuck.’

He sighs again, oh my god, “How’d you know?”

Iruka shrugs, a hand going up to rub at the back of his head. There’s a lopsided grin stretching his features. “Ah, well, I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t sense the spike of your chakra.” 

It dawns on him suddenly, that there is more to the teacher than he ever thought of before. “You’re a sensor?”

Iruka shrugs again but nods his head in confirmation, “One of my many talents. Now, that Genjutsu. I didn’t see you do any seals?” 

“Ah,” Rei glances away, eyes darting everywhere but the man in front of him. It would make sense that the man had great eyesight if he could tell he didn’t do any seals. He’d have to in order to teach a bunch of children how to be trained killers. “I didn’t do any?”

He needed to keep a low profile from now on. He’d forgotten how perceptive shinobi were. 

Iruka’s eyebrows raise in surprise, before they narrow at him. “No? Does your new technique have a name then? It kind of looked like something I’ve seen some Jounin do when they want their privacy.”

‘Shit shit shit shit. Do I lie or do I come clean?’

“Really?” He feels a bit of excitement rise within him. Excitement that can be fully attributed to the fact that his subconscious - is it that or something else? - is that of a twelve year old boy who thinks ninja are cool. “I…uh, just made it up.”

Come clean then. Fantastic. 

“Oh?” Iruka lights up like he just said the magic words. “What was your process in it?”

Right. Okay. Think. How did he do it?

“Well, I just kind of thought about what I wanted to present to the world and…uh, projected it? With my chakra?” 

Iruka opens his mouth but before he can speak, a stampede of pre-teens come stomping through the door at the front of the class. And maybe that’s an exaggeration, there’s only like five of them max, but it doesn't stop the building sigh from escaping into the world. 

Iruka echoes him, but gives Rei a look. “We’ll talk about it some other time.” 

“Yes, Sensei.” He intones. Convinced he’ll never speak with the man about it ever again. 

Iruka half-turns before he stops and glances down at Rei’s hands. “Do make sure Suzume-sensei finds her cherished mug before the end of the day, will you?”

Rei nods, and the man leaves him alone. He watches him go, before his eyes flicker over to the children that start filling the room. 

He sighs. Again. For fuck’s sake. And takes a sip from his mug.

It’s going to be a long day. 

The day goes by in a simultaneous blur and crawl. 

It’s as eventful and chaotic as one would expect from a shounen anime. And he could tell you all about how seeing the characters in real life was a fucking trip. They look so weird as real people, oh my god. 

But he won’t. Because this shit ain’t about them. 

His life isn’t a plot point for some main character bullshit. Thank you very much. 

Anyway, it’s a long day. He needs two more cups of coffee before the day is done and oh boy, let him tell you. Getting into the teachers lounge to steal said coffee is a right pain in the ass. He did it. Somehow. Through copious amounts of trickery and one instance of inciting a riot amongst the younger classmen. 

Read: He made a racket down the hall and then Kawarimied with a rock he tossed in through the open door when they went to check it out.

Overall, it was not a very productive day. They spent most of the time doing mundane things like history work and a crash course on how to topple a corrupt criminal regime. 

Mundane things.

Anyway, when the final bell rang and all the little ninja-chan’s - ugh - sprinted out to greet their parents and guardians, Rei slipped out the window and leapt down to the ground. Using chakra to bolster his limbs, something he’d practiced after he rolled his ankle that first time training. 

Then he got the hell out of dodge. 

His walk home was filled with a bunch of new information he needed to parse through later on. For one, those marks on Naruto-chan’s cheeks looked rather pinchable. And if that didn’t make him feel like a grandma, then seeing how thin and malnourished the Uchiha kid was made him want to bake the kid a fucking meal. 

‘Does nobody know how to take care of children in this fucking village?’

He doesn’t think they do. 

Anyway, gods. Like he said, this shit ain’t about them. It’s about his slow descent into madness, clearly. Why else would he be forced to sit through eight hours of school once again?

And, and, the coffee made him a little antsy. The first two cups did nothing, but the last one set his veins alight with energy he needed to burn off. He needed to move, like a lot. 

He switches direction with little thought, letting his feet take him to somewhere he could run around in. Curse this little body and its insane amount of energy. 

He glances at the rooftops before deciding against it. He wasn’t truly a ninja yet and he was sure the ANBU wouldn’t take kindly to a non-headband shinobi running amidst. But then again, maybe he’d get confronted by Purple Shadow-sama and he’d be able to actually speak to her this time. You know? Like a normal person. 

No. Best not tempt fate or whatever. Just his luck he’d get gored or something before he could do anything in this world. He’d rather not do that. Thanks.

He didn’t know what he’d expected from this world, but seeing things is believing. Except it isn't because illusions were commonplace. Seeing Uchiha Sasuke look like he would snap like a twig with just enough pressure was kind of demoralizing. Seeing the girls in the glass barely eat anything at lunchtime and then go on with the day hungry all in the name of some bullshit diet was infuriating in its own way.

Half the stomachs in the room were growling, he was sure.

Wasn’t the whole point of forming a village so the children didn’t have to go hungry? Why are they all half-starved? Do any of the orphans know anything about nutrition or are they just winging it like everyone else?

Not to say that he knew anything about proper nutrition. His meals left a lot to be desired. And his new body - regular body? - was too thin as well. Though he did seem to be on the taller side of things amongst his peers. So it wasn’t all a loss.

There’s something rotten in the village if things are so bad. Even the civilian kids look on the thin side. The only kid he saw that had any real fat on their cheeks was the Akimichi kid. And they basically grew that way. So they didn’t count.

‘Not my problem right now, focus.’ 

Right, anyway, what was he doing again?

Going somewhere to do something. 

And trying not to think too much about how cute Suzume-sensei is.

That's the old man talking. He doesn't need that shit right now, thank you. He’ll take part in that moral dilemma at a later date.

For now, he must focus. Focus on not running into any old ladies as his feet take him somewhere mysterious. He could search his memories and find out where he's going, but what's the fun in that?

He should really check, walking in blindly is a stupid way to die.

No. Nope. Just keep on walking. Where was he? Who knows, somewhere in Konoha. Wow, such pretty trees. They sure are big. 

Is that a roar he hears? None of his business. 

He walks past an alleyway and stops at the muffled grunts coming from within. It sounds like someone is getting their ass kicked. 

Don't look inside. Don't look inside. Don't look-

“Oh hey, Purple-sama! Fancy seeing you here.” 

The purple haired ANBU turns to look at him from her spot standing over a man wearing a mask. The man, who is clearly not a Konoha shinobi groans and tries to crawl away. Purple Shadow-sama stomps her foot on the man's back to stop him and tilts her head at Rei. Curious, like a cat.

Rei waves and offers a grin, “This is awkward.” 

Purple-sama, as he just shortened her name to, waves slowly back at him with the hand at her hip, blood dripping from the metal arm guards. 

He should be feeling something like fear right about now. He really should be. But honestly, it's a toss up between hero-worship and faint attraction. 

Don't give him that look, he died remember? Things are going well in comparison.

Purple-sama is so badass, and he gets to see her in action. Though…looking at the sad excuse for her opponent, he feels kind of cheated. 

Though, a strong woman who could kick his ass? Wife material if he says so. If she can also allow herself to soften in his presence and look at him like he's worth something? He'd propose right then.

‘Wait. Why do I think she has a boyfriend?’

Nevermind, it's not important at the moment. 

“Boy!” The man groans, his hand reaching out to him with broken fingers. “Tell Oroc-ack.” 

The man's head bounces off the ground in a rather dramatic spray of spittle and blood. Rei’s brain aches in sympathy. He's going to feel that one when he wakes up. 

Poor guy. 

Why isn't he freaking out? Who knows honestly. Something is wrong with him.

A blink and then three other masked ANBU are scattered around the alley. They communicate with the oddest sets of sign language, taps and whirs that leave him wholly confused. Which he assumes is the point. Before they truss up the unconscious man with ninja wire, toss him over one ANBU’s shoulder, and two disappear. The man who held the captive and another as escort. 

Purple-sama is still there, along with what he can only assume to be a subordinate? Maybe? He doesn't know, it's impossible to read their body language correctly. So it could be the big kahuna boss man himself coming to check in and he'd never know. 

Anyway, ANBU Number Two, as they are now dubbed, tilts their head in his direction before they too vanish into thin air. Leaving only Purple-sama and him in the alleyway. 

Purple-sama wipes the blood off her fists and tilts her head at him questionably. Maybe.

“Oh,” He shoves his hands in his pockets and glances away. Privacy, right. People don't like to be stared at. “I've interrupted your work. My apologies.” 

She hums and points a finger at him, “You never saw him.” 

“Saw who?” He grins, mildly freaked but not sure if it's in a good way or not yet. “All I saw was you.”

She hums again and tilts her head, curiously once again. She stays there for a moment, and he can feel her eyes staring into his soul. And then… 

“Good boy.” 

‘Uh-oh.’ 

Then she's gone, a mere whip of the wind brushing his cheeks. Cheeks that suddenly feel like they're a thousand degrees hotter than they were before. 

‘I think I just hit puberty.’