To Love Another Person Is To See The Face Of God
*1995*
She asked me if I liked boys. I said who wouldn’t. She said her, even though she had a boyfriend. I loved her just the same.
…
I opened my eyes. My machine was beeping quietly a;erting me to its now empty bag. Groaning slightly, I rolled over in my uncomfortable position to press the button that called for the nurse. The call button lit up and I focused my breathing. In, out. In, out. Nurse Flitwick came in and changed the drip bags, doing his best to make sure to be as silent as possible, which I appreciated each night that he attended to me. With the other nurses, I usually wasn’t so lucky; Pomfrey tended to mutter to herself as she adjusted my doses, and one couldn’t go a night without hearing Sprout trip over stray medical instruments or personal belongings left on the floor in a patient’s room.
Once my eyes had adjusted to the light and Flitwick had left, I let my eyes drift over to where Penny lay. I watched as her figure moved up and down slowly. I smiled to myself, remembering our conversation from the previous day. She loved poetry, just like me. Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Jean Toomer, Maya Angelou, the greats…
I couldn't wait to share more poetry with her.
Just then, Penny gave a soft snore with her mouth. I watched, bemused, as a string of hair fell from over her shoulder and moved back and forth against her nose as she breathed.
Oh, how glorious life was. It was the little things, it truly was, that made me very happy. Even if Penny hadn’t liked the same poets, I’d have loved her just the same. I loved the way she scrunched up her nose when she couldn’t figure out maths during tutoring. I loved how she always clasped her hands together and earnestly said ‘let’s see’ when there was a game show on television. I loved the way her feet would shake on the floor when she was nervous, and I’d hug her and tell her it’d be ok, the way she’d poke at things with her feet, because she always had to be moving, the way she’d sing softly in the dark at night, and I’d join her and we’d sing a beautiful duet that could pave our way to Broadway, how she’d laugh at how ridiculous the cast of Friends were, how she could pull extensive Shakespeare quotes out of thin air, how we’d laugh together.
I loved the way…
I loved everything about her.
Fuck, maybe I even loved her.
Wait. What had I just said?
I tore my eyes away from Penny and gazed towards the ceiling, trying to block the sound of Penny breathing out of my mind. I shook my head and thought that this couldn’t be true, because I liked boys like Harry and Ron, I liked toned, masculine bodies with the faces of Jude Law. I wasn’t at all interested in girls’ bodies… or was I?
I began to breathe harder, and my skin began to tingle. My head felt heavy, and I leaned back against my pillows, running my fingers through the little hair I had. I didn’t want to like girls, I hated the fact that there was even a possibility of me liking girls. Which I didn’t.
And I even if I did like them, which I didn’t, my mother would’ve disowned me on the spot. She’s not the kind to tolerate that sort of nonsense.
“Lavender?”
I jolted out of my spot where I lay. “Yeah, Penny?” Had I said anything aloud throughout my pondering? I hoped to the heavens not.
“You were breathing a bit hard. Should I call the nurse or something?”
“No.” I let out a deep breath to calm myself down, and closed my eyes. “It was just a bad dream. You can get back to sleep.”
“I have bad dreams too, sometimes,” Penny replied. I heard a faint rustling, and suddenly there was a movement in my mattress. And I found Penny sitting next to me on the bed. I inhaled sharply, remembering what happened the last time she sat this close to me. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” She asked.
“Erm…” I struggled to make something up. “There was this… magic world, and this… boy saved the world when he was just a baby… and then a bunch of stuff happened, but then I died in the end.”
“How could a baby save the world?” Penny asked curiously.
“Hell if I know,” I replied shakily. “I’m trying to remember… I think his mother’s love put a spell on him and backfired on the dude that was trying to kill him.”
“Maybe,” Penny began, trying to analyze the nightmare I hadn’t had, “your subconsciousness was trying to tell you something. Like, you never got the love from your mother that you truly desired, so you can’t save the world like he can, so you end up dead.”
I stared at Penny incredulously. “Maybe.” Had my own thoughts conceived that in such a short amount of time? I hadn’t even thought about the scenario I was describing.
“What kind of stuff happened?” Do you remember?” Penny pressed.
I chuckled. “I can’t remember any dream that well. Also, why do you even care?”
Penny looked hurt. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and said, “Because I like hearing you talk. And even if you don’t remember, just humor me.”
“Erm… ok.” I pretended not to think about how odd that was, even coming from Penny. I tried to think of an interesting plot to entertain her. “After the spell backfired on the villain, everyone celebrated, for they were free from his reign at last, and they were safe in their secret magical community. All was well until a few years later, when the boy learned that he was from the magical world. At that time, he was living with his relatives--”
“Wait, wait,” Penny interrupted. Sorry, but this story needs names. What’s the boy’s name?”
I shrugged, trying to think of a name. My gaze drifted to the room across the hall. “Harry.”
Penny bursted out laughing. “Alright. Harry. What happened then?”
‘Harry left his annoying relatives and sought refuge in his new magical school. He made a few friends over the years, but his best friend was Ron.”
“Of course it was.”
“And… I don’t know what could happen after that.”
Penny laid back on my bed and stretched out. I mocked her position to lay by her side. “Who are we?” she asked.
“Er… we can be the people in the background who don’t get into trouble. You have a boyfriend named Percy, of course.”
“Right.” Penny agreed to this instantly, but I could tell that her voice was a bit strained.
“Harry,” I continued in an attempt to move off the topic of boyfriends, “continued to be the saviour of the world, because the villain returned after a few years, and had to be defeated, or the magical world would once again be on the brink of exposing themselves to the normal world.
“And he saves the world, and we all live happily ever after.”
“That’s a great story,” Penny said. “What would the villain’s name be?”
“Tom. Definitely Tom.”
“Creepy Tom from upstairs who likes to play with snakes Tom?”
“Yes.”
“I can see it.” Just then, Penny turned her head towards me, and I did the same, so we were inches away from each other. Maybe even closer. “I’m glad you came here,” she said. I could feel her warm breath on my nose. “Well, you know, I’m not glad about the cancer thing, but you could’ve been moved to a different ward, and I’d have never--”
Penny stopped suddenly when I leaned forward and kissed her, curing my hand around her neck.
Well, I imagined kissing her in that very second. I didn’t of course, but I wanted to, especially when I felt the wetness between my legs again.
In an attempt to distract myself, I interrupted her by saying, “You should write a book about what we just imagined.”
Penny snorted. “Right. And then they’d make it into movies, have a corny musical adaptation of it, then transfer a sequel play to broadway, then make movie prequels.”
“Yes.”
“Wait, you were serious?”
“Of course. I believe in you.”
“Thanks. Maybe I will, who knows. I’ll ask my parents to get me a typewriter for Christmas, and off I’d be. Writing.”
“Make sure to mention me when you get famous. It was my dream, after all.”
“I will.”
…
(A few hours later, in the morning)
She was silent for a moment. “Do you like boys?”
…
“Are you some sort of… queer?”
…
"Wish me luck!" Penelope said to me as she rolled out of the room.
"Good luck, see you in a few hours!" I called after her. She gave me a little wave as she disappeared down the corridor. “Remember my dream!” I added on jokingly. It’d give her something to think about.
“I will!” I heard her call back, faintly.
Two words.
And poof, like in a magical world, she was gone.
Forever.