No Matter Where I Am, I Hear It Beating
*1996*
I am not a normal human being. I know this, and everyone else knows this; parents have told me on numerous occasions that it's unnatural to stay in a bed all day doing nothing but flipping through the channels. I know this. But there's nothing I can do about it. There's no way to magically heal me, no way to make everything hate disappear. No way to make Parvati disappear.
Why can't I just live my life like a normal human being and die early instead of being forced to endure pain and suffering, living no type of life, just to stay alive for a few more decades. It's not fucking fair. Why do I subject myself to this at all? For the longest time, I had no answer. But then...
“Hey, did you go over problem eight in the homework McGonagall assigned for us yet? I’m having a bit of trouble with it.”
“She didn’t assign it to you,” I say condescendingly, “She’s my tutor. You just happened to be there, that’s all.”
Parvati huffed. “She said it would better my understanding of maths if I were to work on these problems. I'm pretty sure that’s called assigning.”
I grit my teeth. If maths wasn’t hard enough before, now I have to deal with Parvati sticking her pretty nose into my academic life. “Just leave me alone, will you?”
“Did you get x equals negative six?” Parvati asks as though I haven't said anything at all. I choose not to speak.
“Why do you ignore me so?” Parvati asks in a light voice, the way one might in a fairytale.
“You’ll be long gone soon enough; why should I bother to get to know you?”
“What?”
I roll my eyes, annoyed. I don’t care what she thinks. “Oh, please,” I continue with my voice rising, “No one stays more than a few weeks. A month, tops. You’ll be out of here before I even get this worksheet done.” I gesture to the maths in front of me.
“That can't be true.” Parvati says, honestly shocked. “I’ll live a long time. I must.”
“Come on!” I finally lose it. “Take What’s-His-Name--Neville, for instance!” I yell. “He didn’t die, but he moved to another ward to be with his parents! He was here for the longest time, and yet hardly anybody remembers him! Maybe Hermione would, but he just wasn‘t memorable enough, I couldn’t even remember his name at first, for Christ's sake, and don’t even ask me what he looked like, because I sure as hell can’t tell you!”
“I-” Parvati tries to interrupt, but I’m just getting started.
“Ask Draco about, er, Pansy, and what’ll he do? He’ll rack his brain to try to remember! Our chemo brains have been alive for too long to contain any information anymore. Fuck, I don’t even remember how long Penny was here!” I take a deep breath. My limbs are tingling.
“Who’s Penny?” Parvati asks timidly.
I glare at her. “Never you mind,” I snarl. “I shouldn’t have said that.” I look down at my feet, suddenly feeling very tired, and not just from my chemo. I fall backwards onto my bed, collapsing into my sheets.
“Woah, Lavender, are you ok?” In an instant, she’s beside me supporting my head. “I should call for Pomfrey,” she says worriedly.”
“No, don’t,” I say. I struggle to lift my weak body up from its horizontal position. “I just need some water or something.” Parvati reaches over me to grab my bottle from my nightstand, and I can feel her breasts against my leg. She points the straw to me and I take a sip, instantly feeling relief surge through my aching body. I take a deep breath. “I’m feeling better.”
“Good.”
“I’m sorry I blew up at you. I just want to be remembered.”
“Don't get mad at me again,” Parvati begins, “but I don’t think you’re doing a very good job. I mean, all you do is sit around.”
I glare at her. “You try writing a bloody book about an orphan boy who learns he’s a bloody wizard or something. By hand, I should mention. You wouldn’t get very far either.”
“Is… that… erm, something you’ve been trying to do?”
I take another sip of water. “It was Penny’s idea, and I wanted to continue it.”
“Again, you mention Penny, but you won’t tell me who she is.”
I turn to face Parvati. “What are you, some kind of bloody therapist? You’ve been reading too much or Jane Austen. So cliche, I’ll tell you.”
“It may be cliche, but it’s fantastic literature,” Parvati argues. “You should read her sometime.”
I shrug. “Oh, I’ve read enough of her. I’ve read Emma, and watched Clueless when it came out last year.”
“It’s not--” Parvati pauses and sighs. “Stop changing the subject. I asked about Penny.”
“She was my first roommate.” I say without meaning to.
“And… where is she today?”
I snort, trying my best to prevent the tears swelling in my eyes. “She died. Just like everyone does around here.”
“That must’ve affected you greatly.”
I scoff, again, and wipe my eyes, hoping Parvati doesn’t notice, but of course she does. “That’s an understatement.”
Parvati’s eyes grow wide once she realizes I’m crying, which is bloody embarrassing, because I don't remember the last time I cried. I angrily wave off her attempts to give me a tissue. “I don’t need one.”
“Maybe it would help if you talked about her a bit,” Parvati offers.
I grit my teeth. “Will you stop with the therapist act?” I ask.
“No,” she says. “I want to know what causes you to behave this way.”
I consider giving her the silent treatment, but in the end I realize it’s petty, and it won’t help my situation. I chose my next words very carefully. “I loved her,” I say truthfully. “She was the first friend I ever had.”
Parvati nods, very into the role. “I see,” she says. We could be watching a scene from a movie or story, I realize, seeing as that she’s acting so cliche it kills me. Nevertheless, I sigh, weary from my constant fighting, and give in.
“I loved her… more than a friend, one could say.” I bite my lip and out of the corner of my eye, I see Parvati’s reaction. She stiffens and her face flushes; she could’ve been Ron Weasley’s sister. I pretend not to see it, waiting for her response.
“Oh… kay,” she ends up saying, quite awkwardly in my opinion.
“Have you ever met someone who fancies girls before?” I ask, feeling bold, but trying my best to get an image of Parvati nude out of my head. I’m very nervous, so I take a sip of water, and its coolness calms me down.
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
After a few uncomfortable moments, Parvati says, “I’ve never known anyone to fancy girls besides me, though.”
I whip my head towards Parvati. “But you said you found Harry attractive.”
“I fancy both girls and lads,” Parvati explains, looking down at her lap, embarrassed.
“Oh. Interesting,” I say, and immediately bite my tongue.
“Why is it interesting?” Parvati asks curiously.
I silently groan, and take a deep breath, hoping I don’t go into another coughing fit. Here goes nothing. “Well,” I begin, “Lately I’ve been having these… feelings.” Parvati urges me to continue, so I do. “About you, I mean, and oh, bloody hell this is embarrassing I feel completely out of character, but now that I know you like girls, I wonder… if you think about me sometimes or somethin’.”
“Oh… Well,” Parvati scratches the top of her head. “I mean, bloody, I used to, back when I first came here, because I thought I’d have an experience out of one of my novels or something. But then you never talked to me, so I gave it up. But I gave you that Guess Who album--it just be your favourite or something-- you started talking to em, and I got to see what a cool person you are. So, I kind of started thinking about you again, in a different way.”
“A good way?” I ask. I can’t control what’s running through my mind at the moment.
“Yes,” Parvati says. ‘A very good way.”
I scoff. “I hardly even talked to you, though.”
Parvati shrugs. “I can see the goodness inside you.”
I stare at her incredibly. “That may be the dumbest shite I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard a lot of dumb shite to last me a lifetime.”
Parvati says, “I’m sorry,” and I begin to snicker, because I can’t help myself; the situation is bloody funny. Parvati joins in, and before we know it, we’re both bursting with laughter, rolling around the bed, not minding if our port wires get tangled.
“Don't… apologize… so… much,” I am laughing,clutching my stomach. Then I feel the horrible sensation, and I lean towards the edge of the bed, wheezing, and I’m dying, it’s real this time... Parvati thankfully knows not to clap me on the back. She instantly stops laughing, holds the hair that I’[ve got behind my ears, and lets me cough everything up into the rubbish bin kept beside my bed. A bit of bile dribbles out at the end, and I bury my face in my hands, embarrassed.
“It’s ok,” Parvati whispers, gently rubbing my back. “Let’s go rinse your mouth out.” I nod, and with Parvati’s help, slowly walk towards the loo. Inside, I refuse her help, because I can brush my teeth myself, thank you very much, but I relent when she puts a cold washcloth to my forehead, allowing my sweaty skin to calm down. I sigh and close my eyes, sinking down onto the floor. Parvati sinks with me, thankfully not removing the cloth from my head. Slowly, when I feel better, I open my eyes and make eye contact with her.
“Thanks,” I say.
“No problem,” she replies.
I begin to think for a moment, but then I think bloody, enough with the thinking, Lavender, so I lean forwards to capture my lips with hers. She melts into me easily. The wet cloth slides out of her hands and land lands with a plop on the floor, but neither of us hear it. I’m too entranced with her, the way she tilts her chin up and moves her hands up and down my arms. And suddenly I begin to panic, because what am I supposed to do now? Our lips are sort of in a locked state, so nothing is happening, and I’m thinking that there’s more to snogging than this. On a whim my mouth parts, and I cautiously swipe my tongue along her bottom lip. Her lips part immediately, and I take a moment to congratulate myself, but then I feel Parvati’s tongue against mine, and suddenly we’re truly snogging, and I finally know what the hype is about. It feels so… so grand, and I don’t know how it ends, because every thought I had suddenly flew out the window, and I collapsed into a sea full of harmony, snogging, blissfulness, and Parvati.
And for the first time in a long time, I’m sure that I’m in love.