What Are You Left With When The Lights Go Out
*1996*
I wake up, but I don’t open my eyes. I hear voices to my left. I begin to go through everything that I have to do today.
I have to open my eyes.
I have to use the loo.
I have to do my morning exercises.
I have to take my morning nap during chemo.
I have to ask Sprout for the teaching table before McGonagall arrives.
I have to do nothing for the rest of the day.
I have to die.
It’s a short list; it always has been since I came here. Pomfrey recommended making them in the morning as I slowly began to forget the days, so this is how I keep track of them now. The loss of memory is apparently a side effect of the chemo, but it doesn’t affect me too much. It has to do with my cognitive memory or some shite. A doctor explained it to me once, but I forgot a long time ago. It’s just part of my schedule now.
I open my eyes and shift my legs. I no longer need to do that this morning. The curtain is drawn, and Pomfrey notices my sudden movement.
“Terrific, you’re awake,” she chirps. She leaves Parvati’s side to bustle over to mine, adjusting my arm to detach the chemo and put some other fluids in. I grimace at the all too familiar feeling of the medication running through my shoulder, and let out a deep breath when it stopped. I turn my gaze to Parvati, who’s reaching to the other side of her bed to retrieve something, no doubt a book. I feel a slight blush creeping up my neck as I notice the way the rear of Parvati’s gown comes undun a bit, exposing a section of her smooth, bony back. I glance away uncomfortably, and try to get the image of Parvati naked out of my mind. Since when did it even enter? I was just thinking about her back, not her breasts, and then--
Oh god.
No.
Bullocks.
Not again. I can’t go through this again. Even if there was an ‘again’ at all, which there wasn’t.
There wasn’t.
But then again, had there been? She had touched my breasts, at all, and said she liked women…
No.
Bullocks.
Stop, Lavender.
I glance at Pomfrey. “McGonagall’s coming today,” I say in an attempt to get Parvati and her off my mind. “I’ll need the teaching table today.”
“No problem,” she answered, pressing a few buttons on my machine. “Maybe Parvati can sit in with you lot; she doesn’t have an MRI scheduled during that time today.”
From across the room, I can see Parvati look up from her book at the mention of her name.
“No,” I say instantly. I burn the image of her nude out of my mind.
“Why not?” Pomfrey says, putting her hands on her large hips. “I’m sure McGonagall won’t mind.”
“That’s not the problem,” I mutter.
“I thought you two were getting along these days.”
“I talked to her once.”
“You do realize I can hear you,” Parvati shoots across the room to me.
“I don’t care,” I shoot back. I look up at Pomfrey. “May I have my exercise ball, please?” I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
Pomfrey sighs. “It’s in your drawer like always. You’re perfectly capable of reaching it yourself.”
I roll my eyes. If that’s how she’s going to be today, then so be it. “Fine.”
Pomfrey gives a satisfying nod. “I’ll be back in a little bit. Buzz if you need anything,” she adds to Parvati, since she’s still new. Parvati nods back, and I begin to unplug my attached meds from the wall in preparation to go to the loo.
Parvati goes back to her book as I open the door with weak hands, dragging my machine behind me. I enter the loo in a hurry. The tiles feel cold against my socked feet as I rush to the toilet, sighing as I relieve myself. I wipe, pull my undergarments up (with the usual difficulty; the IV in my arm makes it hard to bend it), and wash my hands. After I dry them, I begin to pace on the smooth, cold tile. The loo is the only kind of privacy I ever get, so I always try to make the most of it. During these times, I sometimes lose myself in thoughts, but today I refuse, I do my best to keep them on point.
I’m such a… I don’t know a word for it.
I get a glimpse of Parvati’s bare skin and suddenly I’m obsessing over it? It’s not like I haven’t seen her like that before. It’s hard not to in rooms as small as these.
I think of Paravti’s body, her ample breasts sinking into flesh that would definitely not be mine, and I suddenly feel a familiar feeling between my thighs.
I swear in disbelief, and sit back on the toilet. I’ve done this a few times in the past year, even some embarrassing research through other patients (by that I mean asking them about it), but it’s never come on like this. So… so at the moment. And I hate it, but I want to feel what I felt the last time.
I shimmy my panties off again, and kick them to the side. I reach my hand under my gown, and begin to rub (my clit, someone told me once. The thing that gives me the most pleasure is my clit). I put my hand on the handlebar next to the toilet to steady myself as the pleasure rushes in like a dam breaking. My breath hitches, and I pray that no one hears as I begin to rub faster again my clit, my back arching as sweat appears behind my knees and heat swoops through my, like someone’s rolling dough on a counter top and, the dough’s my pleasure and the counter top is me. My hand leans back as I can feel myself getting close, and suddenly I’m finishing, and I’m bucking my hips, and it feels amazing…
And then it’s over.
And I feel worse than before, because I have no idea what to do. I take a deep breath, and begin the process of sliding my panties back up my legs. These new feelings… Well, they’re not new, I guess,
I first got them when she was here, and then a few times later over the course of the year. So, it’s nothing strange.
Except...
I only got those feelings when I wanted sex. I’d have a few male roommates, and some of them were very handsome, so I wasn’t surprised when I put my hand in my underwear and I felt dampness.
But I don’t want sex now, I reassure myself. It’s only because I haven’t been exposed to anyone else's skin in a year. It could’ve been anyone’s skin that turned me on. That’s it.
I nod, satisfied with my bathroom visit. I check the room clock; McGonagall would be here soon, and I want to get my nap in. I wash my hands yet again, and return to my bed.
I close my eyes, and breathe deeply. Before I know it, I’m asleep, and I only dream of clouds.