out of high school with a plan

April 1976

Made it out of cardboard and rope

Hung it 'round my neck so you would see

And please do not ask me how I am, I'm alright

But this could be the worst day of my life

Sirius and James waved goodbye to Mr and Mrs Potter before hopping onto the Hogwarts Express.

“You okay?” James said as they turned the corner, leaving the open doorway behind, so his parents couldn’t see them.

“Yes, James,” Sirius said, with a roll of his eyes. “You don’t have to babysit me you know.” Loud, bright, James had been trying to play the role of mother for two weeks now and it was beginning to really get on Sirius’ nerves. Ever since Orion Black had had the courtesy of using the cruciatus curse on him, and he had run out the house at midnight, calling James in a panic over their shared mirrors. It had all been a bit of a blur after that, he just remembered wandering, glad to be away from his parents. James had had to fill in with the rest, having sat beside him, bedbound by Mrs Potter, and explaining how his father had found Sirius passed out at Hampstead Heath.

“I’m not babysitting you Sirius! We’re friends, friends look after each other.”

“Well, I said I’m fine, so I’m fine, okay!” Sirius shouted. A group of first years sat in a carriage with their door open gawped at him. “What are you staring at?” Sirius shouted at them too just for good measure. James pulled on his cloak.

“Come on, let’s find Moony and Wormtail,” he said, dragging Sirius around from the wide-eyed first years.

They heard them before they saw them, or at least Sirius heard Remus. His soft Northern drawl going on at length to Wormtail about his Easter holidays.

“And my mam makes the patterns, I helped her whilst I was at home, and Dad does the magic. Mam, normally hates him helping her by using it, but in this case, she finds it fascinating,” he went on, only stopping when James and Sirius walked into the bright train carriage.

“Hey!” James said, in an unnaturally high voice, as the train started to move. Sirius wanted to punch him. “Everybody have a good Easter?”

From the look on Peter and Remus’ faces Sirius knew they had been informed of his new social status as a disowned heir.

“What have you been helping your mummy with Moony?” Sirius said, before either of them had a chance to reply, or worst, ask Sirius how he was. Remus turned bright red, and Sirius felt a quick pang of guilt at his words.

“Knitting,” Remus muttered. Peter frowned at Sirius and unfolded something that he had had on his knees. It was a huge, knitted jumper, patchworked in a repeated pattern of light beige and dark brown large squares.

“Moony has made me a jumper, and I think its smashing! It’s for chess club!” Peter said. This made Remus just turn even redder, and start to scratch at the top of his right hand.

“Wow. No that is cool Moony! Though, I am wounded that Padfoot, and I don’t get such treatment,” James said. He then started to laugh, running a finger down his cheek to imitate fake crying. Sirius wanted to punch him again, even though he had started this whole bloody mess.

“Well, Mam, always gives me new clothes for Easter, and she thought it would be nice if I carry on the tradition, so I thought I could practice and make you guys some things,” Remus said quickly, and Sirius was horrified to see his eyes were looking a bit watery. Oh Merlin, he thought, I’ve never seen bloody Moony cry, not even after a full moon. “Stupid, really, isn’t it? I think she just gets a bit sad when I’m not there, misses me,” Remus continued, and then with a look of horror stopped, looking at Sirius and then back down as his hands, when he realised what he had just said. Sirius was not putting up with those looks for the rest of his life, thank you very much.

“Well Hope Lupin is an absolute legend, and even if my mother, and father for that, are both a crooked old hag and a knob of troll, doesn’t mean you get to sneak out of her family traditions Moony!” Sirius said, which made Remus stop scratching at his right wrist to look up.

“It’s a Welsh tradition,” he said simply.

“Welsh, Moroccan, Martian, I don’t care where its from, you listen to Hope and do as your told when you’re at home Lupin!”, and Remus let out a laugh.

“I, she made me, make you guys one too, so don’t worry James,” he then said, shoving James as if he hadn’t been upset by the whole thing at all, and was playing along with them, and he stood up to pull two more jumpers out from his trunk. One for James in the Wimbourne Wasps colours and another for Sirius in striped gold and red.

Remus passed them over, and Sirius held his in his hands, rubbing his finger over the wool. It was quite like his and James’ quidditch jumpers, but baggier and with larger stripes, and just so much more Moony-like! It was so distance from the tight collars and starched shirts that came with being a Black. And now he wasn’t one, and he had very own Moony Gryffindor jumper to prove it!

“You don’t have to wear them,” Remus mumbled, taking Sirius’ silent as a bad thing.

“Are you joking Moony? I’m going to live in this thing!” he beamed at the other boy. “Hang on, I’ve got something for you too”. He stood up so he could open the top of his own trunk, “Accio, Moony’s present”.

“Show-off!” James said, but Sirius ignored him, as he held out his hand to catch a hold of the small bag that had come flying out from his trunk.

“Here!” he said, shoving it into Remus’ hand. Remus looked quickly at James and Peter, and then back down to the bag, slowly pulling it open, and pulling out a long thin piece of wood with a pressed flower on it.

“They’re lupins, the flowers, we had to magic them to grow quicker” Sirius explained, “But, Mrs Potter presses them as a hobby, and she let me help. I thought you could use it as a bookmark”.

“Oh Merlin, what a bunch of poofs we’re hanging out with Pete!” James said, laughing, and something inside of Sirius clenched funny. Peter laughed awkwardly.

“How come we don’t get one Sirius?”, he asked.

“Cause you never made anything for me Petey,” Sirius replied.

“But, you can’t have known Moony was going to make them jumpers though.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“You can’t have.”

“I did.”

“How?” Peter asked, exasperated.

“Legilimency,” Sirius said, wigging his fingers in the air at Peter, and Peter’s eyes went wide.

“Pete, ignore him, he’s lying,” James said, but Peter didn’t look convinced. Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, daring him to challenge him.

“Thanks Sirius,” Remus then said quietly.

“Oh Merlin, I was wrong about poofs, it’s like being stuck with a load of girls!” James said.

“What’s wrong with girls?” a voice said from the doorway, and Sirius turned quickly to see Dorcas Meadowes stood, one hand on her hip as she glared at James.

“Oh, nothing Dorcas, it’s just like a mother’s meeting in here is all. Either that, or the WI. We’ll be selling jams in a bit if you want to come back and sample some”.

Dorcas rolled her eyes and signalled to somebody in the train’s corridor. Sirius prayed it wasn’t Lily Evans. He was not in the mood for a Lily Evans situation, not that he had any problem with Lily herself, but he could not handle James seeing Lily this early in the morning. But it wasn’t Lily that Dorcas had been signalling to, and Sirius kicked himself for not guessing who it was earlier, because when the person made their way into viewpoint, he felt sick. His little brother, Regulus, stood there, anxiously thumbing at a letter in his hands.

“Sirius!” he said, like all the wind had been knocked out of him.

“What is that?” Sirius said, glaring at the envelope in Regulus’ hands.

“Oh this?” Regulus said, holding it up, like he hadn’t even known he was carrying it in the first place. “This is just hm, from mother, but forget that I wanted to know if you’re…”, but Regulus didn’t get the chance to finish. Sirius stood up, ripped the letter out of Regulus’ hands and slammed the carriage door shut in his face.

August 1978

Made it out of high school with a plan

Be brave and bold and confident

Show up at your house, what have I done?

Pray you're not in there with someone

“It great, isn’t it?” Sirius said as he grinned at James.

“Hm, yeah sure,” James said, as he gazed about the small living room. It made Sirius want to roll his eyes. They may have both grown up in mansions, but unlike James’ Sirius’ had never been home, and so the small flat surrounding them felt perfect to him. James’ whilst no longer the pureblood that Lily Evans had once hated was still stuck with some of his snobby bias.

“Moony is going to love it,” Sirius replied.

“Has he agreed then, to move in?” James said.

“Agreed? What is there to agree to of course we’re going to live together – just like you and Lily.” Sirius tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. They both knew it was not ‘just’ like James and Lily.

“Sirius,” James began, with caution, “Have you actually asked him though? I don’t know if London is really Moony’s vibe you know?”

“His vibe?”

“Well, maybe he wants to live with his parents Pads, me and Lily are thinking of staying with mine for a while,” James said. Sirius could tell he was being careful; they all were when it came to talking about parents. It infuriated him; he could handle people talking about their good homelives even if he hadn’t had the same.

But then Sirius frowned, he had never wondered if Remus would want anything different. Moony had always said he would move in with him, and whilst it had been during drunken moments or half-asleep whispers that didn’t mean Sirius had ever questioned his sincerity, but then he suddenly had a sinking feeling in his gut – maybe James was right. He thought of Remus in the garden at his parents’ house, dirt under his fingernails, and the little line on his forehead from where he had been furrowing his eyes at the sun, and how he beamed up at Sirius as Sirius came to hand him over a glass of elderflower and apple juice Hope had made. He had looked so at peace in the garden, in the sun, not with the usual strain he seemed to carry around with him at Hogwarts. Did he want to stay with Hope and Lyall? Was Sirius going to have trail behind not only Effie and Monty, but also James and Lily like some sad little puppy with no home of his own?

And so, Sirius had changed his plan. No more surprise flat. But a chat. A grown-up chat. They were grown-ups after all now, left school and everything. He couldn’t have his Moony moving somewhere he didn’t want to be.

So, a couple of days he knew he had to ask. They were both sat in the gardens at the Potters’ Mansion, watching Lily show James how a hose worked, as the pair tried to set up a slip and slide that Lily had bought from her house. Marlene, Dorcas, and Peter were there too. Dorcas was trying to help Lily, but James, who had no idea what he was doing, was still attempting some form of masculine persona, and trying to, unsuccessfully, help.

“Jesus Christ, James!” Lily suddenly said, “Can you and Peter go and get us some drinks or something, you’re just in the bloody way!”

Remus let out a snort at this, and Sirius turned to grin at him.

“It’s going to be all fun and games once they’ve moved in together, isn’t it?” he said, making Remus laugh even more.

“I don’t know why you guys can’t just accept you’re useless at Muggle stuff,” he replied, rolling his eyes.

“Hey! I got full marks in Muggle Studies, thank you very much!” Sirius said, and then realised the conversation was becoming side-tracked, “It’s going to be nice though, them having their own space, and you know, us having our own space”.

“Yeah, it’s going to be great Pads,” Remus said, his smile only growing as he looked at Sirius.

“So, you still want to do it?”

“What?”

“Move into together!”

Remus looked at him with a funny expression on his face.

“Of course, I do. Why do you not want to anymore? I’m not going to have much money,” he said, mumbling the final part.

“What!” Sirius particularly shrieked, “Merlin, no! And you know I don’t care about that, it’s bad enough having all this money from my uncle if I can’t use it for us! It’s just James was saying…”

“Oh, here we go,” Remus said.

“No! No! No!” Sirius said, quickly. “Listen! I’ve been thinking about how we said we’d live in London, and James was saying he wasn’t sure you would like it there, so I thought I’d ask you”. Remus frowned. “I know! I know, we’ve always said we would move to London, and I would love to, but it’s okay if you don’t want to. It’s okay if you want to live anywhere else”. Sirius didn’t have the courage to bring up Remus’ parents.

“I’ll live in London,” Remus said simply, his frown lines relaxing.

“You will?” Sirius said, he felt like fireworks were going off inside of him. Of course, his Moony would want to live with him in London! What the hell did James know anyway?

June 1995

Wonder when I'll get over you

Should've been gone by now

And you're never home, it's all I can think about

Your love's all gone, you think I'm fine

Hey, this could be the worst day of my life

They hadn’t really spoke since that first night Sirius torn himself back into Remus’ home. He had fallen in the door two nights before and relayed it all out for him – everything that had happened since he had disappeared like a coward a year before. And he didn’t just fill Remus up on everything that had happened with Harry, but everything to do with him to. The fact he had spend weeks living in a cave, having dashed back from the Belize the second Harry had written telling him he was having problems with his scar. How tired he was, how scared. It had all coming rushing out of him, an endless stream, and Remus had let it.

But then nothing. The next morning Remus had told him he had some jobs to do, and he was going out. It wasn’t until close to midnight Sirius had heard him creep back in. And then again, this morning the same thing had happened. Sirius was sat in one of Remus’ jumpers, the thing swallowing him up, when Remus had come in, appeared startled to see him.

“I’m going out. Remember, help yourself to whatever” he had said, pulling on a patched coat, and then he was gone.

What could Sirius even say to that? It was a learnt behaviour after all. It had been his tactic during the war.

“You’re being awfully quiet,” Sirius said, standing over Remus, who was sat crossed legged on their couch, reading a book.

Remus looked up, his face perplexed.

“Sorry,” he offered.

Sirius breathed though his nose, narrowing his eyes.

“How can you just sit there and read, read that book?”, Sirius said. Remus eyes flicked up and down at the dog-eared novel in his hands. “How is that helping the Order?”

“I’m just having a break. I haven’t been able to read anything in nearly a month Pads,” Remus replied. “The pack, we, don’t travel with a mobile library on hand.” His attempt at a joke went unheard.

“Why do you call them that, they’re not your pack?”, Sirius said, raising his voice.

Remus winced, shoving the book behind where he sat as he reached his hand up as though to take a hold of Sirius’, but the other man took a step back, his eyes glued on where Remus had shoved the, supposedly innocent, book away from his sight.

“Sorry, force of habit,” Remus said, his hand falling back down, picking at a scab on his right wrist.

“Why are you hiding things from me Remus?”, Sirius burst out, “are these only things you and the pack can look at? Talk about?”

Remus stood up, walking towards Sirius, but the other man only crept back further. He was holding up the book he had been reading, to show Sirius that it was clearly harmless, just his old copy of The Princess Bride.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, his bottom lip quavering, “there’s nothing Pads, nothing I’m hiding. I’m just tired. Honest. We can talk, let’s talk.”

But Sirius had already turned away.

“I’m going out,” he snarled, slamming the door behind him, even as he heard Remus repeated “please” ring out behind him. He knew Remus wouldn’t come after him, Dumbledore had made it clear he was not to leave the house for a couple of months due to how his last mission had been compromised, and Remus out of the four of them was the least likely to break the rules.

Now it is Sirius who can’t leave. Trapped in a house he doesn’t recognise. Trapped in a house Remus has built without him.

And he knew when Remus said that he could help himself to whatever he only meant food, or maybe another jumper if he was cold, but Sirius just didn’t know whatever to do, and so he found himself having a nosy in Remus’ living room. He eventually makes his way to the bookcase, looking at it like it would help piece together whoever this new Remus Lupin was.

And Sirius is relieved to see that many of the books were the same, such as the dog-eared classics that Remus used to share with Lily, as well as the collection of mythology and fantasy books that Sirius used to take the mick out of him for. He does start to feel a bit sick however when he started to come across more and more that he had never seen Remus read. Especially, when he flicks through them and discovers many of these books were published beyond 1981. And so, Sirius finds himself spending his morning skimming blurb over blurb of these new ones, thinking it might give him an insight into who Moony is now.

Then, not long after dinnertime, he turned to the box on top of the bookcase, though he forgot to actually stop and eat something. Too distracted by the large photo albums he finds inside of the box. At first, he feels breathe began to wobble, but when he opens the first album, he discovers it was not photos of their past, but one of Remus’ alone. He can’t tell if he finds this worse or better.

There were plenty of photos too. Photos of Remus in Germany, Remus in some sunny place far away, and then Remus with his father. Lyall so much smaller than Sirius ever remembered him. He wonders if he is still alive. The last time he had seen the man was at Hope’s funeral.

And then the next album is Remus again and again with a group of people Sirius doesn’t know. One woman in particular pops up frequently. She has short dark hair and full lips that are smiling in nearly every picture. So close to his Moony, her hands around his neck, or in the background chattering, and even in one photograph sat on his knee. And then Sirius finds he can’t breathe, because he knows during these times he had been so far away, locked up, not sure even what year it was, not sure who he was, though he was always aware when the full moon was.

And so, he transforms into Padfoot, curling up on the beaten sofa, to numb the pain.