worst day of my life (ii)
June 1994
Saw you for the first time in years
You held my face, I held my tears
You don't have to let every part of me go
It'll never be over, we both know
Sirius had smelt him, of course he had. You couldn’t help it when you spend most of your time as a dog. And it had bought him comfort in a way, that Remus was up in the school with a purpose. After all, it had always been where he had been at his best – where any of them had been at their best really, Sirius thought. They hadn’t had a chance to be their best afterwards.
So, when he was Padfoot he could smell him, and it made him want to whimper, and it made him want to run bounding out into the castle and find him, but it was a lot easier to forgot about when your mind was in black and white and you could spend your time hunting, searching, and sleeping.
But then, sometimes, when he had a quick dash into his human body it was a hell of a lot harder to not go and find him and beg for forgiveness, and so it wasn’t just a fear of being caught, of letting Peter get away again, that kept him in Padfoot’s body more times than not.
Plus, Moony had moved on surely. He didn’t want him; it had been twelve years for crying out loud and not once had he made an attempt to come and find Sirius. And whilst, it was easier to not think about his time as a marauder, when thought they owned the school hallways, when he was Padfoot, it was still a quite hard, when literally the whole space of your childhood surrounded you. So instead, he focussed on Peter. On Harry. On protecting what would be, rather than what had been.
And then somehow, he had him. Peter, that is, right in the shack. And also, Harry, looking so much like James, and he had friends, such loyal and fierce friends that it made him want to cry, as he looked wildly over them with his human eyes. And so that was why he didn’t smell him. Smell him, when he came rushing in in shabby robes and greying hair and looking as beautiful as the boy Sirius had been rude to on their first day of school. And he didn’t ask Sirius how he was, but he was ready to help, as Sirius realised, he knew the truth – “Where is he, Sirius?” ¬– and Sirius felt like he could breathe for the first time in twelve years.
February 1981
Wonder when I'll get over you
Should've been gone by now
And you're never home, it's all I can think about
Your love's all gone, you think I'm fine
Hey, this could be the worst day of my life
Sirius huffed out a cold breath, watching how the condensed air in front of him danced until it disappeared altogether. He should have apparated closer back to the flat, but the thought of Remus in there, rattling about, had meant he’d decided a walk would be nicer. He hadn’t meant to go come back as far as just north of the river, but he had always enjoyed walking across Waterloo Bridge, and he guessed his subconscious most have factored this in somewhere.
He trudged onwards, trying to focus on the lights of the city, and not on the fact he had apparated half hour away from home so as to avoid his boyfriend, because he couldn’t stop doubting the fact his said boyfriend was plotting against them all in this dumb ugly war.
But, it was also quite hard not to think about Remus when everything surrounding him somehow became a reminder of the boy.
First, it was the National Theatre, and the memory of him and Remus taking Remus’ parents to see As You Like It the year before. Sirius had never been to the theatre, never mind a muggle one, and was enthralled. It had been a surprise birthday present for Hope, and she had been just as excited as Sirius, though looking much smaller, wrapped up in a large striped shawl even in the middle of summer. It had been her last birthday, and she knew it. They had all known it, and Lyall and Remus had kept trying to get her to sit down, and have a drink, and take this or that combination of tablets throughout their weekend of sight-seeing. She had continuously brushed them off, using Sirius as a shield, as she would slide her arm into his, and get him to explain - because obviously he was a true Londoner, she kept reminding him – what this building was, and what happened here.
They had gone out for a meal just before she and Lyall had to catch the train back to home, and Lyall and Remus had disappeared, Lyall to the bar, and Remus to the toilet, and she had told him how happy she was her Remus had found him.
“I never thought back then, with Lyall and all his worrying that my boy could have a normal life, or at least one with a bit of happiness. But, I look at you, and I look at him, and at both of you together, and it makes me so happy. Don’t you worry about this stupid war, it’ll be done soon. My mam and dad had plenty of time afterwards, and you boys deserve that too. So, you make sure to look after him when I’m gone. I know you’ll do that,” she had said.
“I promise,” Sirius had managed to croak out, suddenly feeling too full of something he couldn’t explain. It was how he got sometimes got with Effie and Monty, but then Hope Lupin was pulling him in for a hug, and he just let himself sink into it.
When she let go, and Sirius had saw Remus and Lyall, drinks in hand, making their way back to the table, she had given him one last secret smile.
“You’ll keep that promise, I know you will.”, she said before the other two reached the table, and Lyall began his complaining that the kitchen had no lamb left.
And so now there was another person Sirius knew he had let down- Hope Lupin.
But, he couldn’t help it, because he knew Remus, and he knew something had changed. He was so secretive now, not filling in Sirius with what was happening on his Order missions, and always bloody missing because of them. And then there was that time he hadn’t been at the Order meeting, and Dumbledore had quietly pulled Sirius for a chat asking where he was. Remus always used Dumbledore for an excuse for his disappearance – “Pads, you know I have to go, Dumbledore asked,”; “Dumbledore thinks I’ll just be gone a week this time,”; “Peter said Dumbledore says I need to leave on the 22nd,” – and there was Dumbledore basically notifying Sirius that was not true.
But still, he hadn’t fully given up. He couldn’t. Maybe he had a chance to make it up to Hope. Not just love Remus but know him again. Maybe, tonight they could talk.
Yet, when Sirius made it back into the flat, having to pretend to open it the muggle way with his keys, because their neighbour Pauline was sat outside the front smoking, he found it empty. No Remus.
Instead, there was a note – Sorry, had to go. Shouldn’t be long, a few days tops. Lamb and veg is in the oven – was all very last minute. Love you lots.
October 1979
Hey don't look at that girl
I think she's gonna cry
I flick through magazines
In the corner of my eye
And everybody knows
I can read their minds
Don't ask me I'll be fine
Sirius wondered how many times this was going to happen in his life. Where some horrible big thing was going to happen that related to the Black family, and it going to plague him in some way where people watched him, but nobody wanted to ask. Nobody wanted to remind themselves that this boy they were filling with Order secrets and plotting, actually hailed from one of the worst families in Britain.
Dumbledore had been playing his usual information is information card, as he explained the news. Merlin forbid, anybody think about bloodlines and relationships, when Albus had something that would be another step of progression in the war. Merlin forbid, anybody should have to sit there and listen as the death of their little brother is announced all nonchalant, and have any form of reaction that is not celebratory.
But Sirius, had learnt to play the part by now. In fact, he knew that he was quite good at it. All of the trouble and muttered words that had come when they first arrived at the Order meetings had seemed to blow over. A blend of steady charisma and schmoozing had lent itself very nicely in helping Sirius become the poster-boy of the Order. Not only happy to go and complete any mission asked of him, but also interested in Caradoc’s ill mother, helping the Prewett brothers remind which nephew’s birthday was coming up, and keeping up with Diggle’s garden news, all helped to make him not only an ally, but a façade of a friend.
And so, when Dumbledore announced the news, most people had given Sirius a quick glance, but it had pasted quickly. The only problem was his friends. His real friends, who hadn’t had to be feed a steady diet of charm, because they already trusted him. Even when they had had more reason to mistrust him than anybody else in the room, and not because he was a Black, but because he was Sirius.
Their glances lingered, and James especially looked like he wanted to get up out of his seat and accost Sirius out of the room to ask him if he was okay. Even Peter, whose relationship with Sirius was always running a bit thin, and especially now they weren’t trapped in a dorm together, was looking worriedly at Sirius, with that peakiness that had started to cling to him as the war went on.
“Do you want to go back? We can go back, Pads. Nobody will mind,” Remus said, putting his hand on top of Sirius’. Sirius looked around quickly, startled at Remus’ openness. Maybe, they had been too careless, and that secret was out now too, but Sirius pulled back. He didn’t want to draw anybody’s eye for the wrong reason just after all this Regulus stuff, he wasn’t going back to how it had been before.
Though most of the seats that had been occupied were now empty. Apparently, the meeting was over.
“What?” Sirius said, playing dumb. “We’re going for a drink, aren’t we?” They had all planned on going out to The Flying Companion afterwards.
“Well, we don’t…” Lily began, but Sirius cut her off.
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, we’re not all going to cry over that are we? He was a death eater, one less to pick off now,” Sirius replied. His leg had started to shake, and he put his hand on it to steady it. And then he heard the rise of a deep sob.
Dorcas was crying, and badly trying to hide the fact.
Shit, Sirius thought, I forgot about that. Marlene shot him a dirty look.
“Cas and I are going to go,” she said, pulling her arms about her partner. Sirius felt a bitter jealously at the way it seemed so much easier for girls to just touch with less questions asked. And then he felt guilty for thinking that at all when he should be thinking about Regulus. The only person he had trusted before arriving at Hogwarts. But Dorcas was daft if she thought her behaviour was going to go down well with the Order. A Slytherin had as much to make up for as did a Black.
Marlene was just leading them to the doorway when Dorcas stopped to look at Sirius.
“It’s okay to be sad. He was your brother,” she said.
Sirius tried to think of a witty comeback but looking at Dorcas’ crestfallen face he hadn’t the heart. So, he just nodded firmly at her, not daring himself to speak, and then Marlene succeeded in getting them through the doorway and out of the stuffiness of the secret house.
“We can still go back,” Remus said softly.
“No, I want to go for that drink.”