love songs ain't for us (iiI)
August 1976
Oh, babe won't you kiss me all night
While the storm is raging outside
Lit up by the stereo light
Remus’ mam hadn’t been best pleased when Remus had asked if Sirius could stay. She didn’t have the hang-ups of his father, thinking Remus’ friends were ready to rat him out at any minute, but she had never quite forgiven Sirius for what had happened in third year.
Still, she and his dad had agreed Sirius could stay for a week whilst the Potters were away, and Remus had to hand it to him, Sirius was playing the perfect guest. He had turned up in the jumper Hope and Remus had knitted for him that Easter, which had managed to break the ice at least. His mam had laughed at Sirius and told him to take it off right now, because she wasn't reporting back to the Potters' that Sirius had passed away from heatstroke. On top of that Remus had never heard so many ‘thank you’ and ‘pleases’ come out of the boy’s mouth. But the best new thing about Sirius was how he had changed him it was just him and Remus. He was still confident and cocksure, but the reckless of the past school year had partially melted away after their walk that night. Nor, did it feel like an act in the way it had for some parts of third and fourth year when Sirius was trying to play the perfect friend to honour Remus’ forgiveness.
“I can’t believe how dogeared that thing is,” Sirius said, signalling the copy of A Wizard of Earthsea Remus had held in his hand
“Well, sorry we can’t all keep our things to the Sirius Black standard,” Remus replied. Sirius froze up for a second before it pasted, and Remus felt guilty, thinking about how that Sirius Black standard had been installed into him.
“Oh, shush Lupin,” Sirius replied. “I need something to read if you’re going to ignore me all day in this heat. I can’t wait until we’re of age, I need a bloody cooling charm”.
There was currently a long heatwave on the go, and the grass out the back of the Lupins’ house was a dry brown. They had been mainly hiding out in the house, where Remus’ dad had kept placing cooling charms over the living room before he went to work. That morning though he had had to rush off and so they were planning to relocate to hide in the shade outside and long for a breeze to come and cool them.
“There’s some more books under the bed,” Remus said, as Sirius pulled out various books from the shelves, before replacing them. He watched as Sirius turned around and pulled out the box of his mam’s old things from beneath the bed.
“What’s this?”, he said to Remus, holding up a copy of Wuthering Heights.
“That’s my mam’s,” Remus said, pulling a face. “I think it’s a romance though.” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows at him.
“Sounds perfect for a summer read then.”
*
The heat didn’t break until the last night that Sirius was staying. A loud thunderstorm keeping the Lupins and Sirius indoors for most of the day, which Sirius had spent curled up reading on Remus’ mam’s favourite armchair.
“I dunno how you can stand that book, son. They’re both bastards too each other,” Remus’ dad had said with a chuckle when he came in from work, before disappearing to help Remus’ mam with the tea.
“I thought it was a romance?” Remus said.
“Not really,” Sirius said. “Your dad’s right they do bloody hate each.”
After tea – a salad and a selection of sandwiches - Sirius continued with his book, and Remus tried not to stare at him. He had never seen Sirius sit still for so long throughout their time at Hogwarts. His dark hair fell, casting shadows across his face, as he muttered words under his breathe.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay longer?” Remus’ mam said
“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to overstay my welcome”, Sirius replied. He was still sat in the same armchair, but he now changed his position when he realised Remus’ mam was speaking to him. No longer curled up under himself, but with his back now straight, and his feet firmly planted on the ground.
“Don’t be daft,” Remus’ mam said. Whatever she had thought about Sirius a week ago, her feelings had definitely softened towards him. “You can stay right up until the first if you like.”
“Oh no I couldn’t,” Sirius said, and Remus was astonished to see his cheeks were turning red. Sirius Black never blushed or got flustered.
“Well, if you insist on going back tomorrow you can take that, if you like”, she continued, nodding her head at the book in Sirius’ hand. “Think of it as a gift, I’m sure sleeping on Remus’ floor and sharing one bathroom has been a right downgrade from the Potters.” Remus’ dad looked embarrassed, but Remus loved the way his mam could be so blunt sometimes. In fact, when he thought about it, it was very Sirius-like behaviour.
“I loved staying here Hope. I mean I love the Potters, but everything is so relaxed here,” Sirius replied, then he looked at the book in his. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“Why’d you say it was a romance, Mam?,” Remus suddenly blurted out.
“Huh?” his mam said, then realising what Remus was on about, “Oh because it is.”
“But Dad and Sirius said they’re awful to each other!”
“Well, they are. I never said it was a healthy romance, love. Oh Sirius, I'll have to send you your new jumper, hat and scarve up with Remus to Hogwarts. Sorry duckie, can't finish anything in this heat!”
Not long after Remus and Sirius went upstairs. It was dark outside, and the rain was hitting harshly against the windowpane. Remus put on a record to try and drown it out, but it was impossible. Sirius began to throw his things into his open trunk.
“You can stay, you know, if you want to,” Remus said. “I’d like you to stay.” He wanted Sirius to know that what had happened between then in June wasn’t going to linger any further. He couldn’t bear it to.
“I don’t want to disappoint the Potters though,” Sirius said quietly. He let out a low chuckle. “Funny. I always feel like I’m a burden when I’m there with them. But now if I don’t go back, I’d feel guilty for staying away. Does that make sense?”
“I guess.”
Remus’ kicked at the base of his bed with his bare foot.
“Moony, I promise this year will be different,” Sirius said in a sombre tone, causing Remus to look up confused.
“We’ve spoke about it Pads. I told you, it’s fine. It’s not like third year, we actually talked about it”.
“I know, but I don’t want you thinking about it for the next two weeks. I’m going to try. To be better. No more using your moon stuff for myself, and no more hurting second-years.” Remus raised one eyebrow at Sirius.
“My moon stuff?” he said. They both laughed.
“You know what I mean!”
Remus sighed. “Yeah,” and then suddenly Sirius was right there in front of him. No longer next to his trunk.
His hands were on Remus’ face, tilting it up.
“I promise,” he said again, “I’m serious.”
Remus was just about to let out a groan, preparing himself for the inevitable joke, but it never came, because instead Sirius kissed him. Not on the cheek like he had that time so long ago in third year, but softly on the mouth, and then harder.
Remus had only kissed one person before, and he was pretty Sirius had never kissed anyone, so he couldn’t tell if it was good. All he knew though was that he didn’t want it to stop.
“Clean washing!” a voice suddenly rang out, and the boys sprung apart. Remus’ mam was stood in the doorway, wash basket under her arm.
“I’ll just put these here,” she said, dropping Sirius’ things onto the chair beside Remus’ bedroom door, and she rushed back out from the room. It was obvious she had seen them.
They didn’t speak about it for the rest of the night. Sirius went and brushed his teeth, and Remus got changed into his pyjamas. When Sirius came back Remus swapped him for the bathroom. He took his own time brushing his teeth, and then just stood, staring at himself in the mirror. He didn’t know what he expected to see on his face; the word ‘queer’ written out in bold letters across his forehead? He splashed himself with cold water, it was just one kiss he thought, stop being silly.
When he got back to his room the lights were off and Sirius was already under the duvet on the camp bed. Despite the heat, he had it wrapped tightly around him right up nearly over his face – hiding himself away from Remus.
March 1978
Yeah, you know love songs ain't for us
Nothing could explain about the way it hurts so much
But at the same time it's
Perfect nights, it's open doors
It's feeling safe, it's being sure
It's a deep cut, crazy rush
To feel like us
It was the first of March, and Lily was trying to convince Remus that the idea of a party on his behalf wasn’t the end of world.
“I don’t know Lily,” he said. “Maybe I just don’t want the whole bloody common room looking at me or something!”
“Oh, come on Moony,” Lily replied. “No offense, but nobody is going to care if its your birthday. People just want an excuse to get drunk.”
“How very prefect of you.” Lily knocked into him and rolled her eyes.
“Remind me where you were last Thursday?” she said. Remus mind went to where Sirius and he had been hidden away in an empty greenhouse. Then he remembered where they had been before that, using a suction spell to stick gold onto the top of the dungeons ceiling. James had let loose a bunch of Nifflers the next morning, and they caused carnage, as they followed the trail all the way down to the Slytherin common room.
“Fine!” Remus said with a huff.
“Perfect!” Lily replied. “Don’t worry, I’m sure I can convince James and Sirius to make sure the spotlight is on them anyways. You and me can drink red currant rum in the corner and bitch about them, until you’re loosey goosey enough to socialise”.
*
“Happy birthday Remus” a fourth year said to Remus in the corridor. He frowned but remembered to quickly thank them. She had been the fifth person outside of his normal small social circle to wish him a happy birthday that day, and he found it bizarre.
“You helped her find that quote for her essay, remember?” Sirius said, grinning up at Remus as they made their way to Transfiguration.
Remus didn’t, but Sirius had similar explanations for all the other people too, so Remus just accepted it as truth. It also showed how much extra time Sirius had been spending in the library, hiding out with Remus from prying eyes.
Whatever he and Sirius had going on had no name, but it had crept up on them slowly, and then all at once, and Remus’ felt himself firmly stuck in its web.
*
“James is looking good tonight,” Lily said, resting her head on Remus’ shoulder. They were sat in an alcove buried into Gryffindor’s common room wall, watching people get drunker in honour of Remus’ birthday.
“Lily Evans you are drunk,” Remus said.
“Maybe so but doesn’t change the fact.”
James was currently dancing madly with Sirius. Remus wasn’t sure if Lily had actually spoken to them about taking the spotlight or if they were just naturally being ‘Sirius Black and James Potter’, but either way it was amusing to watch the way James stomped through his dance moves, with Sirius somehow both juxtaposing and completely in sync with him. Sirius’ moves were much more polished.
“You have a crush,” Remus said.
“You can’t tell him,” she replied, in a much more serious tone. “I won’t tell Sirius if you don’t tell James.”
“I don’t think Sirius is that invested in you and James,” Remus said with a laugh.
“I don’t mean about me and James, silly, I mean about your crush, about the fact you fancy Padfoot”.
Remus jerked back, knocking Lily’s head from his shoulder.
“I don’t know about you’re on about.”
“Remus, I won’t tell anyone. You know that, right?” Remus remained silent, watching the two boys dancing in rapture. “But just be careful, okay? He can be a bit careless, and I know he thinks himself the school rebel, but I don’t know how he would react if he knew”.
“How do you know he doesn’t?” Remus asked.
“All the girls,” Lily said, running her fingers nervously through her hair.
“What girls? He’s only been on one date. Ever. And that was ages ago, in September with Giulia.”
Lily looked surprised by this news.
“But what about all the attention? All the girls throwing themselves at him.”
“Yeah, but when has he ever given them anything back?” Remus hated how he sounded like a sulky child who had been caught getting up to something they had been told not to. Lily narrowed her eyes at him. “He’s only kissed one girl.”
“Oh,” Lily replied, the green of her eyes reflecting the endless changes lights from the party as she widened them. “Oh, Remus be careful.”
“Yeah, well you be careful with James too. People in glass houses and all that,” he said, and he took off to join Sirius and James in their dancing.
He knew she was just trying to be kind, but it was his birthday and if he hadn’t dwell on the whole mess that made up this thing between him and Sirius, he wouldn’t choose it as the day to start.
Lily didn’t know what she was talking about anyway, he thought, as he got closer to the boys, and Sirius caught his hand, twirling him around and instantly making him feel safe. It was fine, he told himself, it will be fine.
Everybody was too drunk, and too familiar with Sirius’ jokey attitude, to take notice that two boys were holding hands and dancing.
June 1995
No one knows, oh, what it's like
To feel like us
Don't let go, oh, not tonight
Love songs ain't for us
Nothing could explain bout the way it hurts so much
But at the same time it's
Perfect nights, it's open doors
It's feeling safe, it's being sure
It's a deep cut, crazy rush
To feel like us
Remus was once again eating breakfast when the patronus arrives.
Snuffles is on his way, it simply stated, and then vanished.
And all the memories that had been churning in Remus’ head for the past year continued to play.
June 1995
Hmm, hmm
To feel like us
Until later than evening there was a knock at the door. This time however, there was no waiting, and Sirius just let himself in, pulling at Remus’ robes as he croaked out the words “He’s back.”