out of high school with a plan

June 1976

Alone in the dark

It happened again

Confused at the start

But it's all making sense

But it didn’t last. Years later, Remus wondered if there was anyway it could have ever gone on.

Not with the war. Not with all that tension building up between Sirius and his family. Not when they disowned him, and his recklessness from first year returned in full force.

‘You need to stop egging him on James’, Remus said at breakfast one morning. Sirius had just been dragged away by Professor Slughorn for hexing a group of second year Slytherins who had been using the term ‘mudblood’ in their conversation.

‘Oh, live a little Moony’, James had said, ‘He has more right to hate them then all of us’.

Remus looked over the breakfast table to where Lily and Mary were sat reading over the Daily Prophet. These boys don’t have a clue, he thought. Normally, he would have turned away, done his complaining to Peter, but Peter had recently gotten his first girlfriend, Linda Abbott, and over the past few weeks he had seen less and less of him. Remus, tried not to be bitter, but Sirius running manic, James goading him on, and Peter MIA, meant he felt as lonely again as he had in the first few weeks of first year. Not to forgot that OWLs were in only two weeks’ time too.

‘You can’t mean that’, he said back at James, who looked back at him puzzled, his mouth full of porridge. ‘Something bad is going to happen I know it is’, Remus continued, and he got up to sit with the girls, leaving James alone.

*

Sirius’ behaviour had only gotten more extreme as they begin to sit their OWLs examinations. James’ had not taken Remus’ advice neither, and Remus spend his time in the library revising in an attempt to avoid them. This meant he spent much more time with the girls, who also were revising in the library, and were very vocal about their dislike of the way Sirius and James were behaving.

Remus liked spending time with the girls. They were much more intone with the politics outside of the castle; even Emmeline and Marlene, both purebloods, had a lot to say about current affairs.

*

Finally, it all came to a head the afternoon after their DADA exam.

Remus had done his best to distract Sirius, going along with his joke about question ten on werewolves, even when the proximity to the girls had made him uncomfortable about mentioning it. Remus was a fan of his nickname, especially now the other boys had their own, but it didn’t take a genius to see his scars and his disappearances alongside it to figure out where that had come from.

It was bad enough that James and Sirius saw the moons now as a joke. Something for them. The first few times at the beginning of the year had been full of concern mixed with horror at what Remus’ went through, but after January and the disownment Sirius had begun to see the moons as his own escape once a month, as Padfoot.

When Remus’ attempt to get Sirius to help revise hadn’t worked, he looked over longingly at where the girls were cooling themselves down in the lake, wishing he had chosen to walk out with them instead.

James’ however took over entertaining Sirius.

‘This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,’ James said, ‘Look who it is’.

Remus glanced up quickly from his book and saw that the two boys were looking at Snape. The insides of his stomach twisted up.

‘Excellent,’ Sirius replied, his voice not his own. ‘Snivellus’, and the two boys got up. Remus stared down at his book and was glad to see Peter had stayed sitting down too.

Remus felt like he was frozen for as they their fun, and knew if it had been anybody but Snape, he would have been up on his feet, putting a stop to it. He still liked to make a dig about once a month about letting Remus’ secret out after all.

Then he wished had left when Lily got involved. He knew she most hate him for how he let them go on like wild animals, taunting their prey, but he couldn’t say that he was shocked with Snape’s slur. After Lily left, the girls quickly behind her it only got worse. James now in his own frenzy, just as bad as Sirius.

James hadn’t taken Snape’s underwear off in the end neither, but Remus could never decide if this was because he was stopped or because really, he knew how deeply wrong it would have been. He liked to believe the latter, and he knew the James of the future would have never, but that summer had been different. The eruption of two terms angst and fighting, and looking after Sirius, spilling over in a great big hot mess. It made Remus feel sticky with guilt that he had left James to do it alone.

‘Sectumsempra,’ Sirius called out, and Snape fell from where he had been hanging in the air, blood spurting from his chest, and some of the students who had been watching on began to scream. Professor Flitwick luckily came storming down towards the lake at that point, and rushed towards Snape, before sending a Patronus for Madam Pomfrey, who arrived in record time. Remus watched as Snape’s limp body was levitated and carried off to the hospital wing, whilst Sirius, in shock with an ashy face, was escorted away by Professor McGonagall.

The last thing Remus heard him muttering as they walked away was ‘I didn’t know. I didn’t know’.

*

Remus hadn’t been lying, hadn’t been putting on a brave face, when he had forgiven Sirius for his prank on Snape. It had seemed a lot simpler back then. Maybe, it had been an age thing. It may have only been two years before, but Remus felt a lot older now at sixteen, and the events of that day sprung up a new rage that had not been there before in the relation to the past events.

James had returned to the dormitory about ten o’clock and apologised to Remus and Peter.

‘I shouldn’t have done it,’ he said, his eyes red.

‘No, you shouldn’t,’ Remus had said back, all the courage he needed down at the lake appearing now. ‘And why on earth did you say all that daft stuff to Lily? Do you think that’s actually how you get girls to like you?’.

James had laid down on his bed after that, but none of them had slept. Remus had pulled out his transfiguration revision.

It took another two hours for Sirius to return to the dormitory. James had his eyes open, but hadn’t moved from his bed, and Remus was going over his revision with Peter, trying to break it down, when Sirius pushed the door open, a scowl on his face.

‘Bloody great,’ he said. ‘I’ve got another round of endless detentions and I’m banned off the fucking Quidditch team. Only good thing left I guess is the full moon on Saturday’.

‘You’re not coming,’ Remus said, standing up from Peter’s bed.

‘What?’, Sirius said, and his act of defiance for a second looked like it was going to break. ‘What do you mean Moony, of course, I’m going to be there’.

‘No Sirius, I’m not asking, I’m telling you, you’re not coming. I don’t want you there, in fact I don’t want any of you there. I dealt with it for nearly ten years alone, I can deal with it again’.

‘Don’t be silly Moony, of course you want us there. Look how much it helps you. You barely have any new scars’.

‘Oh yeah, because that’s why you come isn’t it, Sirius? Remind me again, what was it, “Wish it was the full moon”. Poor bored Sirius looking for some adventure, who cares if the person he pretends to call a friend has to have his body literally break in upon itself for that too happen’.

‘Moony,’ Sirius tried to begin.

‘No Sirius!’, Remus yelled. ‘Don’t you get it, I don’t want anyone there, and I especially don’t want people there who just see me as one of the weapons to use as they please. Who get me to slash open their next victim so that then they don’t get to miss out on Quidditch and their free time, which they spend cursing second years’.

Sirius stared back at Remus, but he made no attempt to speak again. Remus turned away and climbed into bed. He pulled the curtains harshly around his bed and tried to forget he still had his uniform on. He was not going back out there for nothing.

June 1974

You're not yet a lover

But you're more than a friend

Thеre are some things you know

But things you can't understand

Remus got through the rest of the week by ignoring everybody and hiding away to do his revision in an empty classroom he had discovered on the third floor. He didn’t have the map so he knew if any of the other wanted to find him they could, but he was also glad that none of them had attempted to do so.

In fact, James hadn’t done much either. He was unusually quiet, and Remus only saw him in exams or lying on in his bed revising. Peter typically stayed with James, and Remus was glad to see whenever he was briefly in the dorms that James was helping him study. Sirius on the other hand, was ironically playing the perfect role of the haughty Black heir.

On Friday night though he returned to the room after hiding out in his classroom to find James’ curtains already pulled shut and Peter sat waiting for him.

‘Don’t hide Moony,’ he said. ‘James is sorry. You know he is’.

Remus got ready to reply when the door opened, and Sirius came in.

‘Come in here,’ Remus said, indicating to his bed, and once he and Peter were sat hidden behind the curtains, he continued. ‘I know that’.

‘You should revise up here with us then, or we can join you,’ Peter said. A loud guffaw came from outside, and Peter looking stricken, cast a quick ‘Muffliato’. Remus glared at the shadow moving behind the curtains.

‘I don’t know,’ Remus said quietly. ‘You know, I just can’t help but think if we didn’t share a dorm that would be us hanging upside down for their entertainment’.

‘No, it wouldn’t,’ Peter argued, but he didn’t look convinced.

‘Yes, it would. They can’t see beyond their bigoted house pride. Sometimes I think that’s all that keeps us together’. Peter just gaped at him uncomfortably.

‘Well at least let us join you tomorrow night. Sirius was right you have been doing better since we started changing with you’, he finally said. He looked so sad and defeated sat there. It broke Remus’ heart. He’d always known how much the other three boys meant to him, but he always forgot how much they meant to Peter too. Peter who had been scolded and mocked by his family, barely showing any magic until just before his Hogwarts letter arrived.

‘Oh Peter,’ he said, ‘It’s not that I don’t want you there, but you’re too small. Without the other two I’m scared of what could happen to you’.

A mocking fake laugh came from outside the haven of Remus’ bed, causing him to see red. He knew he should have recast Peter’s muffliato spell, but he didn’t have the heart to embarrass Peter like that.

‘Stupid rodent’, the voice said.

Remus’ ripped open the curtains enclosing him and Peter so hard they fell to the ground. He was off the bed before he even knew it, and on top of Sirius. He swung his fist back and bought it down onto Sirius’ face.

Peter let a squeal of shock that would have rivalled the noises Wormtail made, and James’ head popped out from behind his own curtains, looking as though it was floating in mid-air. It would have been comical in any other situation.

Remus lifted his fist again, but then suddenly James was there holding him back.

‘I hate you Sirius Black,’ Remus screamed, struggling to get out from James’ grip. Peter came to help him, and Remus continued to struggle. ‘I hate you; you’ll never understand! You don’t get it do you? You didn’t get in third year, and you don’t get it now! You don’t understand’. He was horrified to realise he was sobbing. Great big ugly sobs coming up from his chest as he screamed at Sirius. It was a loss of control he never allowed himself in his human form, so scared of morphing into the monster fulltime, but he couldn’t help it. It was all coming up in waves, piling on top of each until he became exhausted, limp in James’ hold.

Sirius was sprawled out on the floor beneath them, staring up at Remus in horror. His right cheek was bright red.

‘Let him go Prongs,’ he whispered finally, after Remus had stopped struggling, and then he was up. ‘Let him go I said. I don’t care if he hurts me, but you need to let him go’.

It was ridiculous how much Sirius’ words soothed him. How the person who had finally caused him to lose control was also the only person who seemed to know what Remus needed.

‘Do you want to go for a walk?’, he asked, only looking at Remus, and Remus couldn’t believe what he was going to say.

‘Yeah,’ he said, and walked out of the room, hearing Sirius follow behind him. He was sure James and Peter were looking at each bewildered.