love songs ain't for us (i)
September 1994
Caught in the moment
Midnight in the room
My breath and heart
Got taken by you
It was dark again, and Remus had just gotten up. The clock told him it was creeping slowly to midnight, and it had been exactly three months since Sirius had vanished again.
The bottles of firewhiskey had been growing again, and he hadn’t even bothered to try and find employment again. It was just like last time, but also it wasn’t, because this time he had letters arriving almost daily asking how he was. Poppy had found somebody to supply him wolfsbane and had delivered it herself the past two months. Minerva was writing almost daily, a mixture of the concern of friendship and the protective scornfulness of a teacher in her scribing of job prospectus and the idea he ought not to isolate himself. Charity wrote with an open frankness and humour that reminded him of Lily, and Filius, Pomano, and Bathsheda had also wrote him more than once. Even Snape had sent him a half-arsed apology letter about outing him to the school, and Remus wondered how the hell Dumbledore had managed to force that out of him – even though there had been nothing from Dumbledore himself.
Remus’ hands shook as he got up from the sofa where he had been sat deciding on food or drink, and he was halfway through buttering himself some toast when another letter arrived, gripped in the claws of a phoenix.
He sighed, opening the window for the bird, and offered it some of his toast politely, which it took and then set back off, not waiting for a reply.
The letter simply said: Snuffles is back in the country and Remus was reminded of all the times Sirius Black had made him feel everything at once; anger, confusion, and with a feeling of love, that took him too long to figure out.
September 1971
I'm just a girl
Who's got nothing to lose
And got butterflies
But I'll stop if you want me to
Remus sat, his legs dangling back and forth, in the office of Professor McGonagall. His parents were still talking to Dumbledore in his office, and McGonagall had laid out a selection of sandwiches and biscuits for him to eat, but he was not hungry and had only taken a few bites. He glanced up from where he had been staring at his new trainers – second-hand but a nice orange colour – to see she was gazing down at him fondly, from where she was stood near the window. He looked away quickly, embarrassed.
He was still in disbelief that he was here. His father the year before, when they had been living in Whitehaven, had sat him down and explained how he would not be able to go to school, but that he was ready to teach Remus everything that he could. His father’s revelation had not come as a shock to Remus, after all as far back as his memory went, he had been kept away from other people, moving from village to village.
But, then suddenly last February, after the textbooks and his wand had been bought ready for years of home-schooling, a man with a long beard had turned up and asked Remus if he wanted to go to school. Remus always wary around over people had felt at constant ease with the man who sat across from him playing gobstones and so had answered honestly ‘Yes’.
‘I’m honoured to have you in my house’, McGonagall said, breaking Remus out of musings on the past six months. Remus smiled weakly at her. It was not the custom for a child to be sorted before the ceremony, but Remus who had arrived at Hogwarts a day earlier than the rest of his classmates, had been allowed to go through the ritual earlier. He had overheard Dumbledore tell his parents they wanted to make sure he felt as comfortable as possible at Hogwarts, given the circumstances, and so he had been given a tour of the school, which included his new dorm – hence the sorting.
‘If you ever need anything you can always come and see me’, McGonagall continued. Remus smiled again. The tour, of course, had not only included the inside of the school grounds, but was also a way to show Remus where he could be going for the change. The newly imported willow which was to protect the rest of the school from him, and the secure walls of the house that were to be his new prison once a month. The next full moon after all was only four days away.
*
‘Ah back again I see’, the voice said, ‘I understand we already came to a conclusion here, didn’t we?’, and then out loud a cry of ‘Gryffindor!’.
Remus pulled off the oversized hat and rushed to the cheering red and gold table. He felt silly having to go through the ritual of the sorting again, but it would not do for any of his classmates to already become suspicious that he was being treating differently to the rest of them.
A red-haired girl smiled at him as he arrived at the table, and she patted the bench beside her.
‘I’m Lily’, she said, as Remus sat down, and then her face became pinched as she turned to watch the rest of the sorting. Another first year, a boy with short dark hair and high cheekbones, sat across from him, and frowned at the ginger girl, but then offered Remus a smile before his face also clouded over as he turned to watch the rest of the sorting.
Eventually there were eight of them in Gryffindor – him, the high cheeked boy who turned out to be called Sirius, a boy with glasses called James, and another boy called Peter who looked about as nervous as Remus felt. The other four were girls, Lily who had been sorted first, Marlene a tall blonde girl, Mary who seemed pleased to discover Lily also had muggle parents, and Remus mam was one too, and a short girl called Emmeline.
Remus listened to them all talk around him, jealous of even Peter who joined in with the conversation even whilst looking terrified, as he filled in plate with a selection of the food that had appeared on the table after the sorting.
He was just reaching out for a jug of juice, when the first boy to be sorted, Sirius he reminded himself, blurted out, ‘What is that?’, his eyes looking back at the long thin scar that was peeking out of Remus’ robes.
‘Nothing’, Remus muttered, as he pulled his sleeve quickly back down, forgetting about the jug.
‘No, it wasn’t’, Sirius said crassly, ‘Can’t your mother just vanish it away?’.
‘Remus’ mum is a muggle, so no she can’t’, Mary said, catching on to the conversation, ‘Are you deaf?’. Sirius turned a bright shade of red.
‘I thought it was only Slytherins you had a problem with’, Lily then added, ‘Or are you just unkind to anybody who strikes your fancy?’.
‘It’s okay’, Remus said, longing for the conversation to be over. Peter shot him a sympathetic smile.
‘Are you really a Black?’, another voice then joined in. It belonged to a girl who looked much older than any of them, maybe a fifth or a sixth year.
Sirius nodded curtly, his cheeks still flushed a vivid red.
‘I told you’, the girl said to her neighbour, ‘Can you believe it? A Black in Gryffindor?’.
Remus reached back out for the jug of juice, making sure his sleeves didn’t fall down this time.
‘Do you want some of this?’, he asked Sirius, nodding his head at Sirius’ empty glass. Sirius didn’t smile back, but he nodded, and Remus filled his glass for him.
After that, James, the boy with the glasses and messy hair, struck up a conversation with Remus, and he managed to think of things to answer back, making the butterflies in his stomach settle down. Eventfully, after a sip from his juice, Sirius joined in with their conversation too.
April 1974
And it's almost perfect tonight
As the storm is raging outside
One kiss and I open my eyes
The first thing he always noticed when he first woke up after a full moon was how dry his throat was – then the pain always quickly set in. This time though the pain was far worse than normal, and that was saying something.
The older Remus got the worst the aftermath of the change had been.
But this was a huge jump from the pain of the last moon when he had managed to nearly blind himself by scratching a great big cut across his face. His eye slight had ended up being fine, but he now had one scar he could never hide. James had managed to convince the whole school somehow that he had finally got Remus to play Quidditch with him, and he had taken a nasty fall off into some branches.
But, after a few weeks when the scar was still there, Remus had heard the whispers begin up again. Severus Snape, Lily’s unbearable friend in Slytherin, had been at the heart of these whispers. He didn’t like James and Sirius, and if Remus was being honest, he had full right to. Snape was a dick, but Remus and Peter sometimes thought of the other two boys in the same light on their particularity bad days. His dislike of James and Sirius however, also had leaked out into how he thought of Remus and Peter, and it made Remus uncomfortable how much time Snape seemed to use to focus in on his monthly disappearances.
Remus groaned, as he tried to shift in his bed, the whole of his left side screaming out at him.
‘Oh, love’, a familiar voice said, and he tried to open his eyes quickly, but he could only get the right one to open. But there was no doubt, there was his mam sat leaning over him, with a face full on worry.
‘What are you doing here?’, he managed to croak out.
‘You had a bad moon’, she said simply, but that didn’t make sense, his parents had never come before when he had had a bad one.
‘Is Dad here?’, he asked. His mam’s eyes danced around the room, as if she was looking for somebody, and Remus knew his gut instinct had been right – something was wrong.
‘No, your dad has had to stay for work’, and Remus heard footsteps from outside of the curtain that was pulled about his hospital bed.
Professor McGonagall pushed open the curtain and stood beside Remus’ mother.
‘How are you feeling Remus?’, she asked.
‘What has happened?’, he said. His breath came out hitched.
His mam reached out to him, running her fingers through his hair like he was still a little boy, and not fourteen.
‘What happened?’, he said again with more volume.
‘Hope, would you like to tell him?’, McGonagall said, but his mam just shut her eyes tight and shook her head, her fingers still in Remus’ hair.
‘Well Remus, I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but it seems a trick was played last night. A prank, if you may, played by Mr Black, though on what planet he thought it would be deemed funny I do not know’. Remus’ stomach begun to churn, and he was sure if he had some food inside of him, it would quickly be coming back up. ‘It seems that Sirius told Severus Snape about how to get into the Shack’. Remus hated the term, hated how the house he had to be put into once a month, had got such a foul nickname, though Dumbledore explained again and again how this was a good thing - keep the rumours going to hide the truth.
‘Please don’t worry Remus’, McGonagall carried on, ‘Nobody got hurt’.
His mam let out a loud huff at that, as she opened her eyes to look at McGonagall.
‘Well, nobody, besides yourself, got hurt. Mr Potter managed to arrive and pull Snape back before anything could happen’.
Remus’ first thought was well at least I know why Dad isn’t here. This was his father’s nightmare, the idea that Remus’ secret would get out, that he would hurt somebody, become truly one of the dark creatures he had once hated so much, and no longer be his son. But also, that Remus would be betrayed by his so-called friends. The first Christmas break when Remus had shyly explained to his parents how he had become close with Peter, his father had given him a forced smile, but after a few brandies had reminded Remus that if he got too close to people it could be dangerous. In the summer holidays just gone, between second and third year, when Remus had stupidly left a letter from James lying about in which James had said he hoped the last full moon hadn’t been too bad, his father had nearly exploded.
‘How can you be so stupid?’, he screamed at Remus.
‘They guessed! I tried to tell them they were wrong, but they had everything, the moons tracked, the lot!’, he shouted back.
‘They’re going to tell somebody and that’s it, it’s all up, do you understand that?’, his father yelled back.
‘They’re my friends!’.
‘Friends?’, his dad said, his voice much calmer, ‘You have no idea what they might do. You cannot afford friends. I mean one is a Potter and the other a Black, and you expect that they’re going to be your friends forever?’.
‘Lyall!’, Remus’ mother had said sharply, and he looked at Remus where he was stood shaking.
‘I’m sorry son’, he said, walking across the room, and putting his hand on Remus’ shoulder, trying to steady him. ‘I just don’t want you getting your hopes up’.
But now it turned out his dad had been right. What had Sirius done?
*
He had gone home that night with his mam. They flooed back to the place in Yorkshire where his mam and dad had now been settled for the past three years or so. His father hadn’t had any words of I told you so, like Remus had expected, but instead as soon as he saw him, had given him an unexpected hug – something that hadn’t happened since the bite.
‘I’m sorry’, he whispered in Remus’ ear.
Like normal as well, even though he had been badly broken and bruised, his body quickly healed itself, though he now had two scars running across his face. The one before across his right cheek, and another now running from the top of his right eyebrow to the crook of his nose.
He had thought he would never want to go back to Hogwarts, but after a week, and with endless letters from Peter and James, he knew he had to. His dad was right to be cautious, but he didn’t want to live hidden away forever, and after Dumbledore had managed to convince his parents that Snape wasn’t going to tell anybody, a week later he flooed back alone.
McGonagall was waiting for him in her office.
‘Welcome back Remus’, she said, still using his first name. ‘How are you?’.
‘Okay’, he replied stiffly, ‘I’m sorry about all this mess’.
‘Remus Lupin, don’t you dare apologise for this. I want you to know that nobody at this school thinks any of this is your fault. Mr Black will be serving detentions for the foreseeable future, and is on strict instructions to leave and Mr Snape alone’.
‘Leave me alone?’, Remus said.
‘Unless you should want otherwise, then yes. He needs to understand the level of danger he choose to put you in’.
‘Professor, I think you’re mistaken. It wasn’t me that was in danger. It was Snape’. McGonagall looked at him firmly.
‘Remus, you are a fourteen-year-old boy. Not a monster, as you may see yourself. You are worth protecting as much as any other of my students, do you understand?’.
‘I guess’, he replied, but he didn’t really.
After McGonagall had dismissed him, he took his time making his way to Gryffindor tower. He didn’t even really know how he felt about everything that had happened. What was he going to say to Sirius?
He couldn’t put it off forever, but he was glad it was late as he made his way into the common room. It was empty, everybody having gone to bed. It was beginning to get warmer in the daytime now, spring firmly having begun, but the nights were still chilly, and so the fire was burning away to itself.
He stood in front of it, the flames memorising. He was trying to pluck up the courage to go upstairs when he heard the common room door swing open behind him.
‘Remus?’, a small voice said.
Remus turned. Sirius was stood there, the door still open to the corridor outside. He looked terrible. His hair was greasy, and he had bangs under his eyes.
They stared at each other for what felt like forever, until it was Sirius who made the first move. He rushed over to Remus, and Remus could see he was crying, as Sirius grabbed a hold of him, pulling him close, and kissing him hard on the cheek. Remus had thought of various ways their first meeting was going to go, but none had been like this.
Sirius pulled back, openly sobbing now.
‘I’m sorry’, he said, ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise I will. I’ll never stop trying’, and he hugged into Remus again. Without realising it, though still rigid, Remus cupped his left arm pulling Sirius closer.
‘Okay’, he said.
1975
Yeah, you know love songs ain't for us
Nothing could explain about the way it hurts so much
But at the same time it's
Perfect nights, it's open doors
It's feeling safe, it's being sure
It's a deep cut, crazy rush
To feel like us
And Sirius did try to be better, though they never spoke about what he done throughout the rest of their third and fourth years at Hogwarts.
‘Moony can do’, James said, and Remus rolled his eyes.
‘Stop calling me that, it’s daft’, he replied.
‘Oh, you love it, Mooooooony’, Sirius sing-songed at him, before sending him a quick wink when Remus looked up from his book.
‘Dorcas Meadowes called him it the other day in chess club!’, Peter said.
‘Dorcas Meadowes?’, James asked, ‘Isn’t she the Slytherin in third year?’.
‘Yeah, she’s good at chess though. Plus, Lily and her are friends’, Peter said.
‘Yeah, well Evans does always seem to have an odd taste in friends’, Sirius said, as James threw a pillow across the dormitory at him. Remus suddenly became very interested in his book.
‘Anyway, how the hell did Meadowes know we call you Moony?’, Sirius asked. Remus looked up and caught Sirius’ eye. He noticed Peter was also looking at him too.
‘Because Lily always calls it him’, Peter said kindly, and Remus gave him a smile in thanks.
‘Maybe we should start going to chess club Sirius’, James said.
‘Get stuffed Potter’, Sirius said, standing up and stretching, ‘Anyway, we already know Moony is the best, don’t need to go to learn that’.
‘Peter always wins me’, Remus said, putting his book back and raising his eyebrows at Sirius.
‘I never just said at chess, did I?’, Sirius said, winking at Remus again.
‘Huh’, James said, ‘I’m confused, what is going on?’. Peter shrugged his shoulders at him.
*
‘Remus’, Sirius whispered, his hands crawling through the curtains on Remus’ bed, ‘You still awake?’.
‘Yeah’, Remus said, sitting up, as Sirius climbed onto the top of his bed to sit across from him.
‘Good. I can’t sleep’, he said. Remus wasn’t sure if that was true. Sirius never came to disturb him any other time of the month. Only just before the moon when Remus also could not sleep.
‘Hey’, he said, yawning just after. Remus raised an eyebrow.
‘You can go sleep you know Sirius’, he said.
‘Yeah, yeah, I know. But like I said I can’t sleep’.
‘Hm’, Remus replied.
‘You excited for the match tomorrow?’, Sirius said. It was the first time Sirius had been allowed to attend since everything had gone down with Snape. McGonagall had not been lying when she said Sirius would be in detention for the foreseeable future.
‘Ecstatic’, Remus dead-panned, and Sirius froze.
‘Sorry, I don’t have to go’, Sirius began.
‘Don’t be silly Sirius, I don’t mean, well you know. I just mean when have I ever looked forward to a Quidditch match? Just don’t tell James that’. Sirius laughed.
‘I won’t, our secret’, he said, and Remus suddenly felt warm inside. ‘Plus, I’m going to make sure you enjoy tomorrow, you wait and see!’. He yawned again.
‘Yeah, we’ll see’, Remus said. ‘You can go to sleep you know. I don’t want you drooling on me during the match’.
‘Not tired’, Sirius said, but couldn’t help yawning again. Remus shoved him and they both laughed. ‘Okay, okay, maybe I’m a little tired, budge up then’.
‘Huh?’, Remus said.
‘Budge up, if you’re going to play mother I’ll lie down’, he said, moving into the spot next to Remus, as Remus moved over.
‘This is weird’, Remus said to him.
‘You’re weird’, Sirius replied, poking his tongue out at Remus. ‘Anyway, you’re not going to sleep cause of the moon so it’s not. We’re not sleeping together. We’re not girls at a sleepover’.
‘Yeah, okay’, Remus said, but he didn’t sound convinced. ‘I need the toilet, I’ll be one minute’, and he got out of the bed.
When he got back Sirius had gone, and the curtains around his bed were pulled shut.
*
‘Moony!’, Sirius called out, and Remus turned to look back. Sirius was running down the corridor, his Gryffindor scarf frantic behind him, and a bulging backpack jumping up and down on his back. More than one girl was looking at Remus with envy. ‘Where’s Peter?’
‘He went down with James, something about helping to set up’.
‘He’s such a suck-up’, Sirius said. Remus frowned.
‘No, he’s not’, he said, starting to walk at a much quicker pace.
‘Oh Moony, I’m sorry. I know he’s your best friend, but he is’. Remus didn’t reply but just kept walking. ‘Okay, okay. He’s not a suck-up! I’m sorry! It’s just he’s very keen when it comes to James, he needs to be careful, or people are going to start thinking he fancies him or something’. Remus scoffed.
‘I think you and James should be more worried about people thinking you two fancy each’.
‘Yuck!’, Sirius replied, ‘James! Who on earth would fancy James?’.
‘Hear, hear’, a voice said from behind then, and Remus turned to see Lily and Marlene.
‘Aw Evans, leave my boy alone’, Sirius said, but he was smiling.
‘I quote “Who on earth would fancy James?”’, Lily said, doing bunny-ears with her fingers as she mocked Sirius’ posh accent. Marlene and Remus laughed.
Lily and Sirius began to play-bicker, as Remus fell into line with Marlene.
‘Have you done the Ancient Runes homework yet?’, Marlene said, ‘I honestly haven’t got a clue. Mary said she would help me, but she’s got detention today, and I really wanted to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow’.
‘No, I haven’t, but we can do it together if you like? After the match? Even if we win celebrations won’t start till later’.
‘Oh, would you actually? That would be perfect!’, Marlene said, and moved on to tell him about how she wished she had chosen another subject, like divination or Muggle Studies, then ancient runes.
They reached the end of the corridor, and Remus was just about to push open the heavy oak door for them to go outside, and make their way down to the pitch, when Sirius was suddenly in front of him, pushing the door open, and signalling with his hand.
‘After you’, he said to Remus. Remus rolled his eyes but walked through.
‘Hey!’, Marlene said, as Sirius let go out the door, letting it swing slowly back as she and Lily followed them through.
Once they were in the crowd and had found Peter who was saving them a seat, Sirius put down the leather backpack he had been carrying. The girls had found some seats behind them.
‘Everything go okay this morning?’, Remus asked Peter, who nodded, and began to tell Remus what he had been up to, when the rich smell of chocolate was suddenly heavy in the air.
‘What is that?’, he said, turning around to see three levitating mugs, filled to the brim with hot chocolate, floating in front of Sirius.
‘Told you I was going to make you enjoy the match!’, he said, as he mumbled a spell under his breath and marshmallows appeared on top of the mugs. ‘Here Peter, I made one for you to’.
‘Where did you learn to do this?’, Remus said, astonished.
‘I think McGonagall ran out of ideas for detentions, and she just sort of started teaching me things. She said if I’m going to waste my time in her classes, she will make me learn in my own time’.
‘That’s impressive magic, though Sirius’, Peter said.
‘Thanks Peter’, Sirius said, ‘But, it’s just a summoning spell really’.
‘Is that hot chocolate I smell?’, Mary MacDonald said, as she sat down behind the boys with Emmeline, next to Lily and Marlene.
‘Sure is, MacDonald’, Sirius replied, beaming up at the girls, ‘Sadly, there’s only three mugs though and they’re all taken’.
‘Eugh, you’re going to make a great boyfriend’, Emmeline said, and then blushed furiously as she realised what she’d said.
‘Yeah, yeah, one day’, Sirius said, winking at her, ‘At the moment unfortunately I’ve got the fulltime job of looking after these guys!’.
The commentor started up, and the players came out, and Remus couldn’t stop himself from looking at Sirius. The other boy looked so excited, and even though Remus knew he had deserved to miss out on the matches before – he still couldn’t look Snape in the eye – he was glad he was here now enjoying himself.
About fifteen minutes into the match when Remus had finished with his hot chocolate Sirius vanished them away with his wand.
‘The second part of making you enjoy the match’, he said to Remus, and he reached down to his overpacked backpack. ‘I thought you might prefer something to read’, and he began to pull out book after book from inside the bag. These weren’t books out of the library neither, but muggle books, fictional books, and all brand new.
‘Sirius, where the hell did you get all these from?’, Remus said.
‘Oh, you know, Mother dearest give me some money to order some new dress robes for Narcissa’s wedding. As if I’m going – going to sneak off to James. So, I converted it into muggle money and voila!’.
‘She’s going to be furious!’, Remus hissed at him.
‘Yeah, yeah, who cares?’, Sirius said, but his eyes had lost a bit of their sparkle.
‘Oh Merlin, give me that one’, Remus said, grabbing the first book from the pile – The Princess Bride by William Goldman.
‘I got you that one cause I know you like fairy tales, and even though that is very soppy I thought well if it’s what my…’, but Remus cut him off.
‘Okay, okay’, he laughed, ‘Shush, I’m going to read now and you’re going to enjoy the match’.