September 1 1972
Sirius and I still have barely spoken. It feels terrible to say, but I almost hope that it’s due to our mothers orders, threats, and hopefully no more than a few silencing spells. I know that’s wishful thinking, but still wish that he would talk to me. The most he has said was a polite and forced hello at various gatherings we were forced to attend.
We are leaving tomorrow for Hogwarts. I am hopeful that on the train we’ll be able to talk at the very least a little bit. He might not want to say anything to me and just go sit with his friends and leave me as an afterthought. It’s horrid that tomorrow is the last chance that I have before our relationship is over for good. That sounds so pessimistic, and yet it’s the truth. Once the sorting happens and I land myself in Slytherin Sirius will never want to speak with me again. I had once hoped that he would manage to get into Slytherin as well so that we could be together and united in a house that would hate us for our power, but want us for our power as well. Although that has all shifted, he is in Gryffindor and although he would never outright say it even if he was speaking to me I know that if I end up anywhere but Slytherin he will be ecstatic, however the more likely outcome is that I end up in Slytherin he will never be able to forgive me, he will never speak to me again unless it is to insult or yell at me. It’s even sadder that the reality of it all is that we will both always love each other dearly and there is nothing that we can do about it. It’s sad that I know what will happen and yet I can’t think of any possible way to change anything.
However any of this goes, tomorrow I will board that train and I will not have to see my parents for months. That is the only positive thing that I can think of at the moment, and that frightens me more than starting school for the first time in everything. I am horrified that my whole relationship with my brother relies on my getting into a house that out of fear of our parents I can’t imagine being in. All I want is for my favorite person in the world to come back to me.
I need to think about something else, anything else. Who am I going to sit with on the train. I don’t think that Sirius will want me to sit with him and his friends. Bellatrix is crazy so I don’t really want to sit with her, and of course Narcissa will be sitting with her so she’s ruled out as well. That’s even if they would want to sit with a silly little first year who is practically shitting themselves over silly little things like the sorting. Even past that, who will I sit with on the boats to the castle? I mean the options are then limited to the first years and I’m not too worried about sitting with the wrong people especially because I doubt that mother will have anyone spying on me to report who I was sitting with. Perhaps I’ll sit with the Crouch boy, he would be a neutral choice, pureblood but not the power that the sacred 28 has. I can’t think about this any more, I just can't think about it too much.
-RAB