My Very Unordinary Life
???: “…”
???: “……”
???: “Where the hell am I?”
Monokuma stood, looking around. Where was he? Last he remembered, he was hosting a killing game. But now…
Monokuma: “Goddamnit, they must’ve found a way to disable me! Well, I’ll show them!”
Monokuma sprang up and started stumbling through the darkness. He found a doorknob and twisted it. As he opened the door, light filled the room. He looked around and squinted. Was this…a camp? He blinked before wandering out of what appeared to be a changing room. He was met with the outdoors. He then saw a sticky note taped to his arm. He tore it off and looked at it.
“Monokuma, the Ultimate Headmaster.”
Monokuma: “What the hell?”
He wandered away from the building as he scratched his head. He was confused. Why was he in a camp? He looked at the surrounding trees, and that’s when he noticed a silhouette. He balled his fists and stormed towards it. It was probably one of his students, and he was ready to punish them. He wanted to punish all of them. He lunged towards it, and it screamed. He paused. It sounded like a grown man.
???: “What the hell are you?!”
Monokuma stared at the man, who yelped in fear. He looked to be in his mid-thirties to early forties. Definitely not one of his students.
Monokuma: “I’m Monokuma, the Ultimate Headmaster apparently."
Monokuma: "Don’t know why I’m getting an Ultimate, I’m the host. Anywhos, I’m wondering who the hell you are, and why we’re here.”
The man stared at him and took in a deep, shaky breath.
???: “I’m Felix Kranken, the Ultimate Business Man.”
Monokuma hummed and scratched his chin.
Monokuma: “Interesting. Now, riddle me this. Where are we? And why are we?”
Monokuma narrowed his eyes at Felix, who shuddered.
Felix: “I don’t know, honestly. All I remember was…”
Felix trailed off and he stared at the ground.
Felix: “Nevermind.”
Monokuma: “Alright then…Well, how about we team up? Explore together. I don’t know if I can punish anyone here.”
Felix: “Yeah…”
Felix stood and the two started to walk together. They stayed silent for the most part, other than the times Felix would point out little things, or ask if Monokuma had ever heard of ‘Bon’s Burgers,’ which was always a no.
???: “Come on, let’s go explore.”
???: “I think we should stay put, there could be creeps out there!”
Monokuma peered and saw two girls standing in front of a building. One had long brown hair, while the other had short pink hair. The two girls turned their heads towards them and the shorter one tensed.
???: “Who are you?”
She hugged herself, and the taller one chuckled.
???: “Sorry about her, she can be a bit paranoid!”
Felix: “That’s okay, um, how about we introduce ourselves. I’m Felix Kranken, the Ultimate Business Man, and this is Monokuma, the Ultimate Headmaster.”
The pink-haired girl looked down at the bear and furrowed her brows, though the brunette just smiled.
???: “I’m Monika, the Ultimate Club President!”
???: “Well, I guess introductions won’t hurt. I’m Natsuki, the Ultimate Baker.”
Monokuma put his hands on his hips and studied them. They were much younger than he and Felix. They could be one of his students, though he still didn’t understand. Why was he given an Ultimate? And why couldn’t he remember anything?
Felix: “Well, I don’t assume you two know where we are, so we should get going. You’re free to join us, though.”
Monika shook her head.
Monika: “No thank you, I don’t trust Natsuki to not bite.”
Natsuki huffed and rolled her eyes while Monika smiled at her.
Monokuma: (“It seems like they’re close. They’d be fun to separate during a killing game. It would be so despairful~”)
Felix nodded and grabbed Monokuma’s paw, dragging him along into the building. Monokuma attempted to wiggle his hand out of Felix’s grasp but to no avail. He sighed and allowed himself to be dragged.
Felix: “Do you think we were kidnapped?”
Monokuma: “It’s a possibility.”
Felix: “Heh…”
Monokuma: “Hey, you asked. I just gave an honest answer. Puhuhuhu…”
They reached what appeared to be a mess hall. Felix dragged him into it, and they were met with three people. One had a green cap and black hair, while the other two were children, both blonde, though different shades. One, the one with the lighter hair, had a scar over their eye.
???: “So, kiddo, what’s your name?”
???: “I’m sorry, my momma told me not to talk to strangers!”
The other kid stayed quiet, though he stared at Monokuma and Felix.
Monokuma: (“Creepy kid…”)
???: “It’s alright, I’m trying to help!”
As the black-haired man spoke, he looked where the kid in the parka was looking and froze.
???: “Who are you?”
Felix introduced himself and Monokuma. The black-haired man stayed in front of the kids and eyed them.
???: “Well, I’m Max, the Ultimate Worker.”
Max turned to the two kids and whispered something to them. The one with the turquoise jacket and blind eye peeked out from behind Max, pulling the one wearing the orange parka along with him.
???: “Heya, I’m Butters Stotch, the Ultimate Troublemaker! And this is my friend Kenny McCormick, the Ultimate Survivor!”
Max looked at Butters and ruffled his head.
Max: “You sure that’s your ultimate, kiddo?”
Butters: “Yup! My parents are always grounding me for something. I deserve it, though, so it’s okay!”
Monokuma looked up at Felix, who had a distant look on his face. Monokuma quirked a brow but looked at the others.
Monokuma: “Well, I’m going to assume you three don’t know where we are, so we’ll be going now.”
Monokuma turned and left, Felix following without complaint.
Monokuma: (“So far we’ve met five people. I wonder if there’s any more. Probably, if this is a killing game, then there should be at least 16 people. I’m still confused as to why I have an Ultimate. Well, it’ll be fine. It’s probably so once they find out what this is, no one will attack me because they’ll think of me as a friend!”)
Monokuma looked back at Felix, who looked down at him and gave him a small smile before looking away.
Monokuma: (“So gullible, thinking of me as a friend. Puhuhuhu…”)
After more wandering, they came across what looked to be bathrooms. They heard sounds coming from the men’s and approached.
???: “ I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive… ”
The mumbling continued, and Felix and Monokuma exchanged glances.
???: “Uh, dude…You okay?”
Felix pushed the door open, and they were met with two people. One was an older man with combed-back dirty blonde and gray hair, while the other appeared to be a teenager with messy black hair. The teenager looked at the man awkwardly, and Felix knocked on the wall. The man’s head snapped up, while the teenager turned with furrowed brows.
Felix: “Uh, hello?”
The teenager squinted.
???: “Are you a teddy bear?”
Monokuma crossed his arms and growled.
Monokuma: “I am Monokuma, the Ultimate Headmaster. And this is Felix, the Ultimate Business Man. Let me guess, you’re the Ultimate Brat?”
The teenager smirked.
???: “What, is the little teddy bear mad?”
Monokuma balled his paws into fists and started to storm towards the boy when Felix grabbed him. He struggled in Felix’s arms, kicking and shouting curses.
Felix: “Well, what are your names?”
He held Monokuma tightly, though far from his chest. Monokuma continued to yell, though it died down when Felix shook him a bit. He smiled apologetically at the two.
???: “I’m Rodrick Heffley, the Ultimate Drummer.”
Rodrick turned towards the older man.
Rodrick: “You?”
The man was still in the corner, hugging his knees. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
???: “I’m Julian Fawcett, the Ultimate MP.”
Rodrick: “What does MP stand for? Micro Penis?”
Felix snorted, and Julian looked up at Rodrick, appalled.
Julian: “How dare you? I am a respected politician and diplomat, and I will not tolerate being insulted by a 16-year-old American brat!”
Monokuma: “Jeez, calm down Micro Penis. Now, why were you freaking out earlier?”
Julian sighed and hung his head.
Julian: “Because I’m alive.”
Everyone eyed each other, tension filling the room.
Rodrick: “Uh, you need a number to call or something? I could find you one once I get home…”
Julian: “Not in that way! What I mean is, I was dead. I was dead with a bunch of other dead people. I could walk through walls. I was dead. But now I’m not. Now I’m surrounded by a bunch of Americans.”
Monokuma: “I’m Japanese, thank you very much.”
Felix: “That’s…odd.”
Monokuma: (“He thinks he’s crazy! I mean, I think he is, too, but you’d think Felix would believe him and his delusions.”)
Felix: “I think we should be going.”
Felix carried Monokuma away and continued to hold him. Monokuma pouted.
Monokuma: “You’re not going to put me down, are you?”
Felix: “Nope.”
Felix laughed and moved him to under his armpit.
???: “Your tentacles are so cool! Can I take a picture?”
???: “Oh, um, yeah.”
Felix stopped and Monokuma turned his head.
Monokuma: (“Does he have tentacles?”)
They watched as the child snapped a photo, and the man with tentacles smiled down at him. The boy turned his head and waved.
???: “Hello!”
The man looked as well. He furrowed his brows and put one of his tentacles in front of the kid. Monokuma squinted.
Monokuma: (“They’re robotic. So he’s not an actual octopus. Good to know.”)
Felix smiled and waved with his free hand. He introduced himself and Monokuma, and the boy snapped a picture, which made the two squint their eyes.
???: “I’m Colin Creevey, the Ultimate Photographer!”
Colin turned towards the man expectantly, who clasped his hands together.
???: “I’m Otto Octavius, the Ultimate Nuclear Physicist.”
Colin tilted his head to the side.
Colin: “What’s that?”
Otto: “You don’t know what that is?”
Colin thought hard before looking back up at Otto.
Colin: “Are you a Muggle?”
Otto: “...What?”
Colin nodded and smiled apologetically.
Colin: “I’m a wizard, sorry about that.”
Otto: “I’ve met a wizard before, didn’t really like him, though…”
Colin perked up with wide eyes.
Colin: “Was it ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?’”
Otto blinked.
Otto: “No, it was Stephen.”
Felix and Monokuma looked at each other in pure confusion. Felix slipped away with Monokuma as the two spoke.
Felix: “So either wizards exist, or the kid’s delusional. Also, how does Otto have metal tentacles?”
Monokuma: “Well, I mean, how am I talking? Maybe you’re delusional, puhuhuhu…”
Felix looked down at Monokuma and smiled.
Felix: “Well, I’m not quite sure how you’re sentient, but I do trust you, so…”
Monokuma: “...Trust me?”
Felix: “Yeah! I mean, you haven’t done anything to me, and you seem just as lost as all of us. You’re trustworthy!”
Monokuma stared at the ground.
Monokuma: “Um…”
Felix’s smile faded slowly as Monokuma stayed quiet.
Felix: “Right?”
Monokuma scrunched up his muzzle, not knowing what to say. Felix stopped walking and stared at him. He took him from his armpit and held him with both hands, in front of his face. He looked desperate. Monokuma stared at him before faking a smile.
Monokuma: “Ha, gotcha! Of course I’m trustworthy, sorry if I scared ya there!”
Felix let out a sigh of relief and gave a faint smile.
Felix: “You almost gave me a heart attack…”
The two laughed, though Monokuma’s wasn’t of amusement. It was of nervousness with just a slight hint of shame.
Felix continued on, now holding Monokuma like a toddler. Monokuma was embarrassed, though he didn’t complain. He was going to betray Felix, so the least he could do was let Felix carry him. Monokuma froze.
Monokuma: (“I’m not attached…I’m just showing a bit of empathy! Yeah, that’s it.”)
Felix froze and turned Monokuma around. He saw another kid, though he dressed weirdly. Like Shakespeare, almost. No, not almost. He did dress like Shakespeare. He turned towards the two and ran towards them.
???: “You two!”
Monokuma: “Uh, hey?”
The boy gathered his breath before looking up at him.
???: “Do you two happen to know where we are?”
Felix gave an apologetic smile.
Felix: “No, sorry.”
The kid huffed and stared at them. They stared back. He crossed his arms with a quirked brow.
???: “So are you going to introduce yourselves or not?”
Felix’s eyes widened, and Monokuma glared at the kid.
Monokuma: (“Brat.”)
Felix: “Oh, uh, I’m Felix, the Ultimate Business Man, and he’s Monokuma, the Ultimate Headmaster.”
???: “I’m Preston Goodplay, the Ultimate Actor.”
Felix: “Oh, well, do you want to join us.
Preston: “In doing what, exactly?”
Monokuma: “Exploring. Though I will warn you, it’s very boring. Because we’re old.”
Preston stared at the two before shaking his head.
Preston: “No, I have better things to do.”
And with that, he walked off. Felix looked at Monokuma and rolled his eyes, though he had a faint smile. Felix continued on, and Monokuma looked around.
Monokuma: “So this place is most definitely a camp.”
Felix quirked a brow and looked up. There was a pole with a black flag on it. It had words, but they couldn’t see them due to it hanging instead of waving.
???: “I wish I had my broom.”
Felix whipped around, and there they saw a ginger teenager. He was wearing the same outfit as Colin Creevey, and Monokuma wondered if they knew each other.
???: “So, I’m Fred Weasley, the Ultimate Prankster. Might as well get that out there.”
Fred laughed, and Felix introduced Monokuma and himself. Fred crossed his arms.
Fred: “You’re the Ultimate Headmaster? I’d consider that to be Dumbledore but to each their own.”
Monokuma quirked a brow.
Monokuma: “Oh, really? Well, that can’t be because if he’s so good why haven’t I heard of him?”
Fred grinned.
Fred: “Why haven’t I heard of you?”
Monokuma paused and stared at Fred. Then he started to kick and shout curse words at him. Fred laughed, and Felix narrowed his eyes.
Felix: “We’d best be going.”
He whipped around and went back to holding Monokuma over his shoulder. Monokuma stuck his tongue out at Fred as they walked away, and Fred cackled.
Felix: “What’s with all these brats today?”
Monokuma shrugged.
Monokuma: “I don’t know, but they’re really getting on my nerves!”
Felix paused as they chatted about random things and turned Monokuma around. There were three people. One’s skin looked almost goopy for some reason. Another one was extremely short, while the last one looked like he was going through his midlife crisis. They all looked at Felix and Monokuma, and the one with the weird skin waved excitedly.
???: “Hello, fellow meat brother! And a bear, for some reason!”
Monokuma stayed quiet, staring at the short one with wide eyes. The short one looked at him and narrowed his eyes.
Felix quickly introduced him and Monokuma.
???: “Well, I’m Ryoma Hoshi, the Ultimate Tennis Pro.”
Monokuma and Ryoma stared at each other, but Ryoma said nothing. He just looked away and pulled his hat down slightly. The one with the weird skin stepped up and beamed at them.
???: “Me next! I’m Charlie, the Ultimate Human!”
Felix: “…What?”
Charlie looked at Felix.
Charlie: “I’m the Ultimate Human!”
Felix: “Okay...? Well, if you don’t mind me asking, why is your skin like that?”
Charlie: “Skin condition!”
Charlie then turned his head to the last man. The man looked away awkwardly.
???: “Toby Flenderson, the Ultimate Author.”
Charlie: “That’s an amazing talent!”
Toby offered him an awkward smile before looking away and sighing. Monokume eyed Ryoma.
Monokuma: “Well, we should really be going!”
He kicked Felix, and Felix looked at him in confusion before carrying him elsewhere.
Felix: “Do you think there’s anyone else?”
Monokuma thought and shrugged.
Monokuma: “I dunno, wouldn’t hurt to look!”
It wasn’t long before they found somebody. He looked to be a chimney sweep, which confused Monokuma. Maybe be was just cosplaying?
The man turned to them and smiled. He waved at them, and Felix approached, Monokuma still in his arms.
???: “Hello, might I ask, where are we?”
Felix shrugged, and the man chuckled.
???: “Well, since I waved you over here, I might as well introduce myself. I’m Bert, and, well I’ll be honest, I didn’t wake up with one of them notes!”
Felix: “Well, you look a lot like a chimney sweep to me. So maybe that’s your ultimate?”
Bert laughed and shrugged.
Bert: “Dunno, I’m good at a lot of things!”
Felix tilted his head but shrugged it off.
Felix: “Well, I’m Felix, the Ultimate Business Man, and this is Monokuma, the Ultimate Headmaster.”
Bert nodded and extended his hand towards Felix. Felix grabbed it with his free hand and shook it. Bert then shook Monokuma’s paw.
Bert: “It’s a pleasure to meet the two of ya.”
He tipped his hat at them, and Monokuma noticed Felix wipe the grime from Bert off of his hand.
Monokuma: (“Puhuhuhu…”)
A buzzing sound filled the air, and the three looked around before noticing what appeared to be a speaker. Bert scratched his head in confusion.
Bert: “What is that?”
Felix squinted at it, adjusting his glasses.
Felix: “Looks like a speaker, I think?”
Monokuma: “Yeah, which makes sense, we are in a camp. At least I think we are.”
???: “Ahem, testing! Oh, goody, it works! Well, hello there! Please make your way to the main area! If you don’t know where that is…good luck! Hehe!”
Monokuma: (“So my partner is a girl, good to know! Well, might as well act innocent for now.”) “Where is the main area? I think it’s where I woke up?”
Felix: “Would you mind leading us?”
Monokuma: “Not at all! But first, you have to put me down.”
Felix chuckled and sat him on the ground. Monokuma started leading the two, Bert and Felix chatting along the way. Eventually, they reached the area. They saw a fountain that Monokuma hadn’t noticed before. There, everyone was gathered, looking confused. Colin turned to them and waved. It was then Monokuma noticed how dark it had gotten.
Colin: “Hello, Felix! Hello, Monokuma!”
Felix waved back. Bert joined the crowd, curious, and Monokuma followed.
Felix: “Wait up!”
Felix followed quickly. Monokuma pushed his way to the front and looked up at the fountain. There was a podium at the top, though it wasn’t big enough for Monokuma and the other one.
Monokuma: (“Damn, they must be tiny!”)
Julian: “Why the hell were we called here? All it is is a fountain.”
Natsuki: “Yeah, this is stupid. I’m leaving!”
Natsuki whipped around, and, though she tried to hide it, it was obvious that she was scared. Monika watched her as she started to storm off.
???: “ Hehehehe… ”
Max: “What was that?”
???: “ Hehehehe…… ”
Natsuki stared at the fountain before whipping her head back around and quickening her pace. Monika opened her mouth to call for her but paused.
???: “ I wouldn’t suggest that if I were you…~ ”
But before anyone could say anything, something popped out from the podium. Otto launched himself in front of everyone and extended his tentacles to shield them.
???: "Hello! I might as well introduce myself. I am Kirameka, and I am your camp counselor!"
Monokuma: "So this is a camp!"
Kirameka: "Correct!"
She giggled, putting her hoof to her muzzle. She looked the group over and stood.
Kirameka: "Well, you might be wondering, 'Where am I? When can I go home?' Well, my campers, you are at Camp...Despair! And well...Never!"
Shouts from the crows arose, but Monokuma snickered. He was going to get along with her. He looked around and noticed that Ryoma remained calm. He blinked before looking back up at Kirameka.
Kirameka: "Before any of you say anything about Winter and Autumn, we have heating. We're not barbaric! Now-"
Julian: "What do you mean we can't leave?"
He took a step forward. Otto looked back at him and shook his head. He turned his head back to Monokuma and narrowed his eyes.
Otto: "What he said."
Kirameka: "Oops, I guess I forgot to explain that part! Well, you see, this is your camp life! And it lasts forever, with me as your camp counselor, hehe~"
Otto: "So you really expect us to just allow you to hold us hostage? What stops us from attacking you?"
Kirameka stared at him before giggling.
Kirameka: "This does~"
And with that, a spear shot from an opening in the ground. Otto moved quickly, though it grazed his face. It kept going, heading straight for Natsuki. He noticed and sent a tentacle flying towards it, knocking it away before it could hit her.
Rodrick: "What the hell?"
Natsuki: "I-"
Colin: "Otto!"
Kirameka looked at Otto, who glared at her while he wiped the blood off of his face. Felix quickly dug into his pocket, grabbing a handkerchief and handing it to Otto. He took it and held it to the cut.
Monokuma: ("Wow! She didn't even give him a warning, sounds like something I should do, puhuhuhu...")
Kirameka: "Now do you see?"
Butters: "Hey, that was real rude of you! You oughta be ashamed of yourself!"
Max: "Yeah, you didn't have to endanger Otto and Natsuki!"
Kenny: "Mrph mrph mrph!"
Kirameka just simply giggled and kicked a leg innocently, putting her hooves behind her back.
Felix: "So there's no way out, is there?"
Kirameka: "Nope~ Well, there is one way, but I don't know how y'all would feel about it..."
Toby: "Tell us."
Kirameka: "Hmmm...I dunno..."
Monika: "You're obviously going to tell us, so quit wasting time."
Ryoma pulled his hat over his eyes, and Charlie glanced at him.
Charlie: "Are you okay, Meat Brother?"
Ryoma: "Yeah..."
Kirameka sighed.
Kirameka: "Poor Ryoma, he's just so filled with suspense...Well, I might as well tell you so he can know! Even if he already knows, hehe..."
She coughed as people whipped their heads towards Ryoma, who lowered his head.
Kirameka: "Well, you see, the 17 of you are stuck here forever and ever! Unless, someone can disturb the peace~ And what better way to do that than to kill!"
Shouts echoed through the camp as soon as she finished her sentence.
Butters: "Kill!?!"
Kirameka: "Mhm! Stabbing, strangling, bludgeoning, poisoning... Doesn't matter. If you want to leave, you must kill! Hehe!"
Max: "But to kill is-"
Kirameka: "To kill is just that, Max, to kill."
Monika: "So, hypothetically, if a murder did happen...What would happen after that?"
Preston: "What the fuck is wrong with you, woman!?!"
Kirameka: "Ooh, I'm glad you asked! If people were allowed to just murder and leave, it would be so boring, so instead of just leaving without any consequences, you will investigate the murder, and then be put into a camp trial!"
Julian: "Camp trial? What the hell is that?"
Kirameka: "Oh, hehe, well, during the class trial, you will present your evidence for who you think the killer is. If the culprit is successfully found out, then they'll receive punishment. However, if you pick the wrong person, then they get to leave the school and the rest of you will be punished! Exciting isn't it?"
Bert: "And by punished you mean..."
Kirameka: "Executed!"
Bert: "...Oh."
Rodrick: "You're sick, I'm getting out of here!"
Rodrick whipped around and bolted. Otto's eyes widened as they heard a Kirameka laugh. He quickly grabbed him with a tentacle and flung him to the ground. Rodrick let out a yelp as he hit the ground, and Otto sighed as Kirameka stopped laughing.
Kirameka: "Dang, that would've been fun..."
Fred helped Rodrick up, who glared at Otto.
Kirameka: "Welp, now that that was ruined, here's some Kirapads. They show the map, give people a way to message and track each other, and most importantly, show the rules. Oh, and the Kirameka Files! And information on each of your fellow campers. Now, I'm beat! Nighttime's coming up soon anyway, so, nighty night!"
She tossed them out, and Monokuma caught one.
Monokuma: "Wait, why did I get one? Aren't I supposed to be helping you?"
Kirameka stared at him before laughing.
Kirameka: "No, Monokuma, you're one of my campers! You're so silly!"
Felix: "Wait, why would he even be..."
Before Felix could finish his sentence, Kirameka sprang into the podium and was gone. Felix turned his head towards Monokuma, a look of confusion plastered on his face.
Felix: "Monokuma...?"
Monokuma sat there, dazed. He didn't know what to say. He was a camper. He was an active participant. He could be a...victim.
Ryoma sighed and shook his head.
Ryoma: "Monokuma has hosted many killing games in the past. I was in one. Woke up here."
Everyone stared at Monokuma before gazing at the podium. They could cover that later. Right now, they were in an active killing game. They couldn't focus on the past.
And that's when Monokuma realized...
He could literally trust nobody...
