Harry Potter and the Streak of Insanity

"Oh Luna, they're so cute!" Harry squealed, hugging a baby thestral close to his chest. "I want to keep him! I think I should call him Keith."

"He doesn't look like a Keith." Luna said dreamily, scratching another one behind the ear. "I think he looks more like a William."

Harry caught on immediately. Honestly, Luna could be such a prankster sometimes!  "And this one looks like a Percy, wouldn't you say so?" Harry added conversationally.

Luna nodded. "Yes, very much, and this lovely girl here could be a Ginevra, what do you think?"

"Oh yes, definitely. These two here are almost identical, aren't they?"

Two hours later, Harry and Luna skipped out of the forest. Harry entered his DADA lesson, very late.

"Sorry, Professor Pink, I was busy braiding Percy's hair." Harry said earnestly, skipping to his chair next to Ron, who gave him a horrified look.

"You were doing what?" He asked faintly, looking a bit sick. Harry repeated the statement, stifling a giggle at Ron's expression. 

"Don't worry, Ron, I made sure to tickle Charlie's feet, too. We don't show favouritism." Hermione coughed quietly as Ron grew ever-paler.  "And Luna made sure to give Ginny lots of cuddles. We wouldn't want her to feel lonely, you see. She is the only girl after all. You could always come with us to see them later, I'm sure Fred would love a tummy rub!"

Ron gagged and fled the room. Snape gave Harry a hard look, but continued on as if nothing had happened. His only acknowledgement of the entire situation was to give Harry detention.

"What's up with you?" Daphne asked Ron bluntly later, as he pushed food around his plate without eating it. "You never hesitate to eat."

"Ask Potter." Ron growled before lifting his fork to his mouth.

"And weren't George's ears so soft? It was like stroking velvet!" Ron's fork fell back to his plate with a loud clatter. Hermione couldn't hold it in anymore, laughing silently with tears streaming down her face.

"Make it stop." Ron whispered. "Please make it stop."

"-Ginny fell asleep on Luna's lap, the cutie. Percy, bless him, was much more shy, but did eventually lick my had. Took a lot of persuading though-"

Harry didn't look at Ron, focusing instead on Susan as he continued to babble on, Ron looking more and more ill by the second.

Then, finally, Harry played his trump card. "-William, but we call him Bill for short, thoroughly licked my face." Ron blanched. "I thought about doing it back-" Ron went very, very green. "-but decided it would be a bit weird to lick a baby thestral."

Ron went from sick to betrayed in a second. "HARRY POTTER!" He yelled furiously. Harry got to his feel, holding his hands up defensively. "I WILL KILL YOU, I SWEAR TO MERLIN. YOU WILL WISH IT WAS MOLDY THAT GOT TO YOU WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH-" A single, green pea soared through the air and hit Ron directly on the nose. Luna discreetly lowered her spoon back to her plate and Harry smiled innocently at Ron.

Before anyone could so much as blink, Harry was hit with a chicken leg. Laughing, he grabbed a slice of ham and purposefully missed, hitting Draco on the shoulder. He scowled and launched a piece of pie at Harry, only missing by an inch. Hermione screeched as the stray slice of pie hit Harry's potions textbook and she tackled Draco to the ground, knife in hand.

"FOOD FIGHT!" Harry yelled and began tossing sausages at anyone and everyone. The teachers watched in horror as the hall quickly became a battlefield, students launching food at each other and yelling, laughter echoing around the hall.

Albus Dumbledore chuckled and as he did so 'accidently' flicked his fork at Minerva, who frowned when she felt the splatter of gravy hit her cheek. Eyes glinting dangerously, she retaliated with a well-timed jerk of her spoon, hitting both Severus and Albus with stuffing. Without so much as looking up, Severus wandlessly and wordlessly flung a spoonful of peas right back. Soon enough, all the staff were discreetly chucking food at each other, faces betraying nothing to the students as the chaos reigned on in the hall. 

Eventually Albus called for silence and dismissed all the students to their dormitories, gravy dripping down his beard and a piece of carrot dangling from his ear.

Once all the students were gone, the staff stayed for another hour or so. Throwing food was apparently a really good stress relief. Dumbledore seemed much worse for wear than the others, but considering he was the cause of most of their stress (especially for Minerva and Severus), it was only to be expected. 

~

Snape hated patrol. He stormed through the corridors, scowling at the portraits that complained about the light from his wand.

"What do you want me to do, walk in the dark?" He grumbled, stopping in his tracks when he heard soft giggling.

He extinguished the light from his wand and crept forwards, the sound of whispers getting louder and louder. He reached out slowly with his hand and triumphantly yanked at thin air.

"Potter, Greengrass, what are you doing out after curfew?" Severus smirked at the two children he'd caught red-handed, far from either of their common rooms. He tucked the invisibility cloak that had been hiding the two sixth years under his arm. 

"Smuggling a dragon out of the castle." Potter said, unashamed. He pulled out a small figure of a Hungarian Horntail from his pocket and it roared at Severus ferociously. As loathe as he was to admit it, Severus thought it was rather... cute.

"Liar." He said instead. "You have exactly thirty seconds to tell me what you two are up to." He crossed his arms and raised a brow expectantly. Greengrass at least looked a tiny bit guilty, but Potter just smiled, unrepentant.

"Well, you know how after fourth year you made me promise not to place any more bets?" Severus groaned inwardly, his frustration rising at the bet he had been cheated out of. 

"All too well, Potter. Continue."

"Well, I sort of made another one!"

Severus sighed, and pinched his nose. He was fairly certain he had permanent indents from pinching the bridge of his nose as often as he did. He almost envied the Dark Lord for not being able to partake in that specific form of venting frustration. Almost.

"Explain."

Three days ago

"So, I know we already established who won the title of best common room ever..." Harry trailed off, peering into his telescope as he felt the rest of the year groups eyes fall upon him. He heard Sinistra's soft chuckle and smirked. "But much can change in a few years, don't you think?"

"Absolutely not, Potter." Padma said sternly. "You will not take this title from us, not ever. It's our right."

"Is it, though?" Daphne asked sweetly. "Is it really?"

"Oh shove off, Greengrass." Lisa Turpin scowled. "You're just salty that we won. Honestly, it's time to get over it. You too, Potter." 

"Afraid not!" Harry exclaimed brightly. "See, what you don't know is that this very second, Pipsqueak has stolen the trophy you were given as evidence of your victory! Stealing must just be a species thing." Harry mostly said the last part to himself. Hm, maybe there wasn't just a gossip ring amongst the house elves... it wasn't a completely invalid theory, considering how many students lost things on a daily basis. Maybe they just stole from Neville more than others because he was an easy target.

"Who is Pipsqueak?" Lavender asked. "You haven't gotten a fourth house elf, surely?"

"No, Pipsqueak is a Hogwarts elf. Kreacher, Dobby and Winky are only allowed access to the common rooms for non-nefarious purposes. But if you do discover any missing items, let me or Susan know. Apparently low-level thievery isn't considered nefarious. Mind you, the person who set that rule stole my dad's most precious heirloom, so do with that what you will." Harry waved a hand dismissively, but mouthed 'Gandalf' very obviously. 

Ernie Macmillan gave Harry a look. "You are very strange, Potter. So, why did you steal the trophy?"

"Because, I want to make a bet!" Harry said. "Sort of. Pipsqueak has hidden the trophy in an unknown location."

"And how do we know you don't already know said location?"

"Because I will swear on my life and magic once I finish explaining, if you would shut up and let me." Harry said to Theo Nott, who scowled but nodded. "Now, even if you find out the location of said trophy, you will not be able to physically touch it until you have personally stepped foot in all four common rooms!"

"But that's-"

"Awesome!" Hannah said, eyes shining. "So, the person who gets the trophy wins the title for their common room?"

"Not exactly." Harry grinned. "The trophy is actually the sorting hat in disguise. He got bored halfway through fifth year so Dobby kidnapped him and the trophy and transfigured them. Kreacher put him back just in time for the sorting. He much preferred living in Ravenclaw to Gandalf's office, by the way. You guys are way more interesting apparently."

"Get to the point, Potter." Pansy sneered. Harry winked at her.

"So once you find the trophy who is also the sorting hat, you have to put it on your head. It will read your mind and shout out the name of the common room the wearer secretly thinks is the best."

"WHAT!" Seamus shouted. "That is so unfair!" 

"No it isn't." Hermione frowned crossly. "The wearer will have seen all four common rooms and therefore have subconsciously made a decision, even if they buried it under their own house pride."

"The person who reaches the hat first will get 20 galleons from me personally." Harry added. "Why are you giving me that look, Draco? It isn't a bet without money involved!"

~

Well, that explained a lot. Severus fought the urge to just walk away and pretend he'd never seen Greengrass or Potter in the first place. He, along with the rest of the staff, had been wondering why the sixth years had all seemed so distracted. Many sat scribbling on parchment at mealtimes, and the whole school's inter-house interactions were fewer than even before Potter began to make things more friendly two years ago .

"If it's house against house, why are you two together?" Severus asked, raising a brow. 

"Well, sir, as you found out last year, the hat wanted me in Slytherin! So I decided I wouldn't mind too much if they won instead." Harry said innocently. "And Daphne had a Ravenclaw boyfriend in third year who showed her the entrance to their common room. I went in Slytherin common room in my second year, Daphne and Draco have been in Gryffindor common room, and Cedric hinted to me where Hufflepuff common room is. So statistically, by working together we are more likely to win."

Daphne nodded vigorously. Snape sneered at them both.

"I didn't know you cared for statistics, Potter."

"I don't, but Daphne loves a bit of maths." Potter grinned. "Draco and Hermione also bet us ten galleons that Ravenclaw would win again and I feel like when I die, my mum will tell me off if I spend my entire inheritance on betting."

"Indeed she would." Severus found himself smirking. "Well, I will be keeping this invisibility cloak for the time being. Detention for a week for both of you for being out after curfew. My office tomorrow, Seven Pm sharp. Do not be late." Severus waved his wand and the corridor was once again shrouded in darkness. 

"Wait, Potter, what do you mean you entered Slytherin common room in your second year?"

~

Naturally, Harry had Kreacher steal the invisibility cloak right back. Snape was not happy.